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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

My 10 year old just told me he is gay

138 replies

Didifuckitup · 14/08/2021 22:00

Did I fuck it up. I don’t know if I responded wrong.
This has come from nowhere. He hasn’t hit puberty yet. He’s so young. He’s had the usual little girlfriends at school and crushes on girls.
And like a bolt out of the blue told me today , mum I don’t know how to tell you this. I’m gay.

It came out of nowhere at all . He’s the most boy ish boy and totally unexpected.

Can you really know if you are gay as young as ten? He has had sex Ed type stuff lately at school and he said he “knows all about gay/bi and alllll the genders now.. “
I don’t know if those lessons have made him feel like he needs to “tick a box” or “fit” or if he’s just sure he’s gay.

I basically said, “ oh that’s fine, no biggie. It makes no difference to me and dad if you are gay or straight as long as you are confident and happy. You will hit puberty soon and hormones will be raging, and you will fancy all kinds of people. You may fancy girls down the line, or boys, or both. And don’t be confused by that if you do. It’s all normal . You are only ten and that’s really young , please don’t feel like you have to pick a sexuality at your age, these things will all figure themselves out in time”

And then I thought shit was that the wrong thing to say. I don’t know. He suffers with anxiety and a few other health issues and I don’t want to mess this up but maybe I already did. Can you know you are gay so young? Can these school chats confuse kids these days? Should I say anything else ?

Hope I haven’t confused him more

OP posts:

LozzaChops101 · 15/08/2021 07:22

I think you've done really really well even before saying anything. I never ever felt comfortable talking to my mother about it, let alone at 10, so you're clearly a great mum if he's happy to bring it up with you.

As for whether or not you can know at 10 - I think I sort of knew at 10. I remember writing a very long letter to an actress on TV that was, I realised a few years later, definitely the kind of letter a ten year old with a huge crush would write. Obviously times were different then because I didn't really know what it meant and certainly wouldn't have had the words or confidence to tell anyone at 10. I barely did at 20. That said I think schools are getting a bit full on with sexuality and gender education, and I don't think the two should be discussed in tandem, but that's another matter.

So whether he is or isn't actually gay, I don't think you fucked it up at all, I think you were brilliant.

SarahAndQuack · 15/08/2021 12:23

@FortunesFave

SarahAndQuack

How dare you call me homophobic!? You don't even know me. What I said is perfectly valid...and when DD came out we accepted it. However now that she's straight again, it's natural to assume she said she was gay in order to be fashionable.

She's not the only one either...MN is full of similar stories...kids coming out, going in, chopping and changing.

It's fashion without a doubt. And it DOES invalidate the kids who are actually gay!

No, it's homophobic to assume she said she was gay to be fashionable.

It is a very well-known homophobic trope.

That's why there are countless adults who went back into the closet in their teens. It's a miserable thing to do to a child.

Roundearth · 15/08/2021 13:05

*So what if I did think she was doing it to be fashionable? That doesn't make me bloody homophobic!
I don't care what she is...I DO care that multiple children in her class and in other Mumsnetter's kid's classes are chopping and changing their sexuality.

It's odd and concerning.

There should always be a culture of acceptance so children feel they can be accepted...it's this changing back and forth that's weird*

all of the above is awful..
"fashionable, odd and concerning and weird."

not sure how much more clearly homophobic you think you would need to be before it's called out as what it is. disgusting.

Eggfriedpower · 15/08/2021 18:32

@FortunesFave
How dare you call me homophobic!?

If the shoe fits...

Crayfishforyou · 15/08/2021 18:45

You said 100% the right thing.
The important thing is that he knows he is loved and supported.

Boogiethebeat · 15/08/2021 19:00

All he needs to know is that he's loved as is. Being gay doesn't need to be an enormous announcement, just like being straight (unless he prefers doing it that way). It's just a part of who he is and it's completely personal to him.
However, I'd be very concerned about my child coming home from school and talking about "allll the genders". There are 2 immutable sexes and everything else is stereotypes, prejudice and boxes to confine us to. There's absolutely no need to allow this agenda to continue harming children.

Inthesameboatatmo · 15/08/2021 19:08

My ten year old daughter told me she was at 9 .
I said as long as you are happy that is the main thing, she knows she can tell me anything without judgement.

Stellaroses · 15/08/2021 19:21

This makes me cringe. What do you know about people "chopping and changing" - sexuality and attraction is personal and perhaps they're experimenting and are bi or pan..? I know SO many people who would have loved the opportunity to explore without judgement in teen years!
You sound really ignorant and also relieved that your daughter is back "in"

Original poster

Didifuckitup · 15/08/2021 19:40

@DeflatedGinDrinker

Why think gay people can't be masculine

your answer was spot on though OP. Lucky boy to have you.

I don’t think gay people can’t be masculine. I was trying to say that it came as a shock and like I read other people saying “they just knew” or “it was so obvious” etc that there child was gay, I had zero idea.

OP posts:

Original poster

Didifuckitup · 15/08/2021 19:43

@Earlydancing

Op, you and your husband sound like brilliant, caring parents. Heterosexuality is the norm and it's easy to be taken unawares when you're peeling the spuds and your child out of the blue announces they are gay. Ignore people who nitpick your response, because, unlike most of us, they're obviously superhuman and are prepared with a pat answer for every occasion and have perfect reactions. It's clear your child feels loved and supported by the both of you and you couldn't do more than that.

Thank you I really appreciate this

OP posts:

Original poster

Didifuckitup · 15/08/2021 19:49

@Boogiethebeat

All he needs to know is that he's loved as is. Being gay doesn't need to be an enormous announcement, just like being straight (unless he prefers doing it that way). It's just a part of who he is and it's completely personal to him. However, I'd be very concerned about my child coming home from school and talking about "allll the genders". There are 2 immutable sexes and everything else is stereotypes, prejudice and boxes to confine us to. There's absolutely no need to allow this agenda to continue harming children.

Thanks, yes I’m not sure why it’s necessary to talk to kids about anything other than male /female / straight / gay / when it comes to sexuality at this age . I wasn’t made aware these lessons were happening. He is incredibly intelligent and when he is taught bee things he tends to go overboard for information and wants every detail, loved a good project etc. And since this was his first word of “sex Ed” at school he will have been fascinated and that’s what I meant when I said, that he may be trying to tick a box. I worry that he maybe heard it all and thought , well who AM I. Which is why I told him he doesn’t need to worry if his feelings change, not because I don’t believe him. The timing was just strange.

OP posts:

Acarp · 16/08/2021 13:59

How can it be fashionable to be gay when homophobic bullying very much exists.

chalamet · 16/08/2021 14:01

It’s impossible to know if he is gay or if he will change his mind once, or multiple times in his life. All are ok! I think you handled it fine!

Original poster

Didifuckitup · 17/08/2021 01:39

@chalamet

It’s impossible to know if he is gay or if he will change his mind once, or multiple times in his life. All are ok! I think you handled it fine!

Thank you. I just wonder why he felt the need to let it out if it’s just due to a crush or whatever.

OP posts:

VanillaAndOrange · 17/08/2021 10:02

Can you really know if you are gay as young as ten?

I'm not gay, but I think I realised I was straight (although I wouldn't have described it as that then) when I was 8 or 9.

I really like your response.

SarahAndQuack · 17/08/2021 10:24

'Just a crush or whatever'.

Yes, he should definitely hide it from you if it's 'just a crush or whatever'.

There are also people wondering why two men in their 30s 'felt the need' to 'let out' their feelings. Some of those people did this: www.theguardian.com/uk-news/2021/aug/17/men-injured-in-homophobic-attack-in-birminghams-gay-village

Eggfriedpower · 17/08/2021 10:49

Maybe those men were just trying to be fashionable...

SarahAndQuack · 17/08/2021 10:58

I expect so.

Or maybe the men who beat them up were given the message, when they were little boys, that there's no need to 'let it out' to anyone.

Lucillegoldenring · 17/08/2021 11:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Helendee · 17/08/2021 11:13

The more I’ve thought about it the more being ‘Pansexual’ makes more sense to me… being attracted to a person regardless of their biology.
Aren’t we all like this to a certain extent? We admire and feel strong attractions to some people and sexual attraction towards others.

diamondpony80 · 17/08/2021 12:03

I had a highly inappropriate crush on Captain Kirk from Star Trek at about 8 or 9 so I definitely knew I was straight. Inappropriate because William Shatner is about 50 years older than me. In my defence it was re runs of the original series & I had zero clue about sex or anything like that. I knew I was attracted to him in a “girl boy” way though. I recently watched a few episodes of Star Trek and wondered what I was thinking!

Darthwader · 17/08/2021 12:23

Diamond pony - In the first series he is attractive. I saw it recently.

anonforamo · 17/08/2021 12:52

You did so well @Didifuckitup and all you said is true. Sexuality is far more fluid than people realize.

I think you should be so pleased he confided in you and that you gave a message of acceptance. I'd let him know he can talk to you about his thoughts/feelings/questions, or you can also find someone else he can talk to if he'd like.

Well done!

anonforamo · 17/08/2021 12:55

Regarding your question, I have many LGBTQ family, friends and students, as well as a teen I raised who is currently in a same sex relationship though doesn't identify as gay and is working out feelings which I always give reminders that there's time and no rush.I don't think it so much as 'a need to let it out' as the fact it's part of their identity.

I think at 10 he may be frightened it wasn't okay with you and so maybe he needed that reassurance. He also may needed that good messaging that whatever he is feeling is normal.

There are some wonderful support groups for parents. I found them very helpful.

Blessex · 17/08/2021 12:56

You did great!

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