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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Right I've got a dilemma.

118 replies

catsatonmymat · 14/08/2021 21:43

Anyone looking back will see that I've had back issues, family issues etc. Well, this is something different. My son recently had a big birthday and moved into a new flat. I have a few people I would call best friends, but especially two, we will call friend a and b. Friend b bought my son present for new flat and gave money for his birthday (as I had done for her son), friend a gave nothing, even though she gave friend b's son a card and money for his special birthday last year. For perspective i have know friend b since i was at school and friend a for over 20 years. They only know each other through me and wouldn't socialise without me. For friend a i have given money for every special birthday, gone over and above, even buying her DD things for her bedroom and decorating. Friend a has been asked out the last few weeks as part of couples and says she will let me know but doesn't and comes back to me and the next day to ask how it was. I am so hurt? What is going on? DH thinks i shouldn't rock the boat, but what do i do? I want to confront her but he thinks i will lose friends (we are part of a separate group of friends that very occasionally have nights out and have been on holiday a few times. What do i do? For perspective Friend A had a major beef with these friends only a few months ago and was slagging them off. I am so confused. Advice please

OP posts:

Lovelybottom · 14/08/2021 21:49

I got a bit lost about what your aibu is? To approach her about this?

I think if you are going to approach her you need to limit it to a certain incident not a general attack. It's irrelevant how she knows friend B or what she bought for friend b's child. I don't think you can complain about her not getting a gift for your child even if you are unimpressed.

The ignoring invitations is valid grounds for a conversation but I wouldn't make a big deal out of it or assume it's anything personal. Maybe she is having her own struggles.

Notaroadrunner · 14/08/2021 21:50

Is it possible that friend A could be having money problems and can't afford to give your kids money, and can't afford to go out?

CoffeeRunner · 14/08/2021 21:54

You think friend A has a problem with you?

Maybe just back off a bit & let her do the running?

Original poster

catsatonmymat · 14/08/2021 21:58

She isn't having struggles that I don't know about - i have heard everything about them I have given advice, support and help over the years - I can't deny she hasn't been sympathetic about my back accident, even given me flowers but i am just hurt on behalf of my son, maybe she doesn't remember giving to my other son's son or do i say anything? Meant to be going out with her and the two other friends - not the first friend in a few weeks -they haven't exactly shown with sympathy (you would need to read back). Just think I'm not the usual fun sarcastic mats that they know ! Really hurt xx

OP posts:

Notaroadrunner · 14/08/2021 22:01

Whatever about mentioning that she hasn't been meeting up, I definitely would not mention that she didn't give your son a card/money.

Original poster

catsatonmymat · 14/08/2021 22:03

Notaroadrunner no it's kind of weird but we have a holiday account that we pay quite a lot of money into every month. I hold all the money and her excuse was she was skint. I sent her money unprompted. She still never came or gave an explanation. If she said she couldn't be bothered i would have accepted that - been there and just come clean!

OP posts:

Skiptheheartsandflowers · 14/08/2021 22:05

Everyone makes mistakes and maybe this was one - perhaps something happened that made her forget at the time. If she's always been a good friend otherwise, and has supported you with your back problem, can't you let this go? Otherwise you sound a bit 'one strike and you're out'.

Skiptheheartsandflowers · 14/08/2021 22:07

So the things she's done are 1) not give your son money as a new flat present, and 2) not reply about coming to a meet up? It's a bit garbled in your first post.

Original poster

catsatonmymat · 14/08/2021 22:08

Notaroadrunner I know what you mean but I have gone over and above for her kids - they are a bit younger and treat me like an aunt so I have taken them for days out, swimming etc. back in the day. That day with her daughter I took her to Macdonalds and paid for her lunch, she was cheeky enough to say, well i suppose you;re paying. Don't get me wrong, i love the kids and because my kids are slightly older she hasn't had that relationship with them but surely she would have thought well i gave to friend b who she has know for a few years as opposed to me who she has know well over 20 years.

OP posts:

SamVimes6 · 14/08/2021 22:13

Your friend didn’t give a birthday gift or a new home gift, or come out with you when invited, she’s clearly having money issues!

Original poster

catsatonmymat · 14/08/2021 22:14

Notaroadrunner might do that but we are supposed to have a day out with the other friendship group in a couple of weeks. If they ask what DS got for his birthday (by the way didn't expect anything from them) do i mention friend b's money or just forget it? Her DD has a very special birthday coming up soon - so what do I do, be mean and just giver her nothing (not going to happen, couldn't do it) For clarification when her own proper Nephew turned the same age she gave him a lot of money - I'm only looking for a token acknowledgement!

OP posts:

Original poster

catsatonmymat · 14/08/2021 22:19

SamVimes6 not true, she has been away quite a few times and when i asked her what had happened to her that last time she said she and her DH had gone out for lunch. She said she was skint and couldn't go out but if you read above I sent her money from our joint account so not that! If I've done something I would rather she just let me know! She knows since my back issues and work issues I've had severe mental health problems but was finally feel better last week and now my head is in overdrive again. So fed up with it all!

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Hankunamatata · 14/08/2021 22:19

Stop keeping score. Your like my mums friend who rang her and asked where her dd money was as mum hadn't sent it. Totally grabby

Mydogmylife · 14/08/2021 22:19

I would go with money issues - maybe she's just ashamed ( not that need be) to tell you - not buying gifts, not going out and if I understand rightly , not paying into the holiday fund.

Original poster

catsatonmymat · 14/08/2021 22:21

Skiptheheartsandflowers not true at all - I would never do that - just a wee bit hurt and feeling as if she really couldn't care about me. There's two sides to every coin and i have been very good to her children.

OP posts:

Cherrysoup · 14/08/2021 22:22

Don’t give presents/money any more. If she says anything, just remind her she got nothing for your son and you thought you were no longer doing gifts for each other’s kids. She sounds like she’s expectant of you but reluctant to put out for your lot.

Original poster

catsatonmymat · 14/08/2021 22:23

Mydogmylife unfortunately not the case - it is a sizeable direct debit into the account. She works term time and has had three holidays, albeit here. You figure it out!

OP posts:

VenusTiger · 14/08/2021 22:25

Sounds like you all need to knock this present money giving mallarkey on the head - they're older "kids" right? your DS has a flat - so he's an adult, yes?
You all need to stop doing it - a card is enough.
Look at how the friend's DD behaved in McDs - expecting you to pay - it's not a great lesson for these young adults is it.

FawnFrenchieMum · 14/08/2021 22:26

I’m totally confused, you have a joint account with the friend? Sent her money for what?

Original poster

catsatonmymat · 14/08/2021 22:27

Mydogmylife yeah that's it I'm grabby, decorated her daughter's bedroom, took her to the store myself and paid for a lot of extras that she couldn't afford, me and my DH decorated her bedroom. I also decorated the comminity hall for her birthday taking up most of a weekend day. My DH also printed out all the pictures. Yeah, I'm totally grabby!

OP posts:

Original poster

catsatonmymat · 14/08/2021 22:29

FawnFrenchieMum it's a savings account for girlie holidays etc. If anyone needs money they can ask to take it out and i just pay the same to myself. She said she was skint and couldn't come out (even thought she want for lunch for DH) and i sent her money so she could accord to come out. She doesn't trust herself to save so I save it for her.

OP posts:

Kite22 · 14/08/2021 22:29

Whether or not anyone gives your adult ds a birthday car, present, or a flat warming present is absolutely none of your business.

I'd find it quite odd if they did tbh, but as I say, it wouldn't be any of my business.

If they say "What did ds get for his birthday" - it is a general chatty conversation - she doesn't want an itemised inventory, no. You mention something nice he had from you, or grandparents, or something sweet from his gf or something and move on.

I'm completely confused about the not replying, but then asking you about your night out, and then the 'holiday fund', so can't help there.

Original poster

catsatonmymat · 14/08/2021 22:31

VenusTiger I totally agree but friend b's son who has had a flat for at least five years and was the same age as my DS got a card and money . Do you see why i would be upset?

OP posts:

Original poster

catsatonmymat · 14/08/2021 22:33

I know I have no right to expect anything, just hurt she did it last year for friend b but not for her best friend. I'm very hurt.

OP posts:

nimbuscloud · 14/08/2021 22:39

They give you money to save for holidays? Why can’t they save their own money?

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