Right I've got a dilemma.

[catsatonmymat]

Anyone looking back will see that I've had back issues, family issues etc. Well, this is something different. My son recently had a big birthday and moved into a new flat. I have a few people I would call best friends, but especially two, we will call friend a and b. Friend b bought my son present for new flat and gave money for his birthday (as I had done for her son), friend a gave nothing, even though she gave friend b's son a card and money for his special birthday last year. For perspective i have know friend b since i was at school and friend a for over 20 years. They only know each other through me and wouldn't socialise without me. For friend a i have given money for every special birthday, gone over and above, even buying her DD things for her bedroom and decorating. Friend a has been asked out the last few weeks as part of couples and says she will let me know but doesn't and comes back to me and the next day to ask how it was. I am so hurt? What is going on? DH thinks i shouldn't rock the boat, but what do i do? I want to confront her but he thinks i will lose friends (we are part of a separate group of friends that very occasionally have nights out and have been on holiday a few times. What do i do? For perspective Friend A had a major beef with these friends only a few months ago and was slagging them off. I am so confused. Advice please

MsHedgehog oh God that's petty. I just want to start with a new user name - is that so unusual - will i look back your history? You don't exactly have to be Columbo and it ain't rocket science1

Goodnight OP try and get some rest. You do sound kind and want the best for people but sometimes they have to work their own lives out. Step away and let her come to you. If you were my friend your very generous help and gift giving would frighten me a bit. I know it’s well meant but I think I’d find it a bit overbearing, I don’t know your pal of course or you IRL but that’s how I feel reading your posts. You’ve got surgery coming up, keep your energy reserves for you, your friends will come to you, be gentle don’t push and it’ll be fine

@catsatonmybedagain

MsHedgehog oh God that's petty. I just want to start with a new user name - is that so unusual - will i look back your history? You don't exactly have to be Columbo and it ain't rocket science1

What is petty? That I was being helpful by warning you that you’re posting under a different name? How am I supposed to know that’s deliberate and what are you on about re posting history?!!

It isn’t right that your friends put £150 into a “girlie” holiday if one of your friends had a husband with such a serious gambling problem that he almost lost their home.
Surely you can see that?
You can be as upset as you like that people think it’s OTT about your son not getting a card and £20 but if it’s such a mechanical friendship group I doubt any of you are getting what you want from it.
Celebrating milestone birthdays are for the individual- if at all - to celebrate. Not for extended family or friends of that person’s parents to have such constricted obligations.
OP - I hope your surgery goes well.
It doesn’t immediately have resonance with the other issues you have but if you are so hurt by this friend not doing something… a wise person once told me - instead of berating someone for what they haven’t done think about what they have done.
If she’s been a good friend- to you - remember that.

You say that your son is 30. Must people stop giving their friends' offspring birthday presents long before that. An 18th or 21st is usually the last of the birthdays that one could expect to result in a gift.

Stop buying Friend A anything and stop the presents!

She sounds like a CF!

@catsatonmymat

I would like to see how many of you who had given so much for birthdays, Christmas, paying extra for decorating for bedrooms and knowing that you friend gave your other son's friend money and a card last year wouldn't hurt you. Stop this scoring points and saying you are not entitled to anything, I know that but I feel i have a right to feel hurt that my BF has not given him even a card and has shown no interest in his new flat. If table were turned i would have been down there like a shot if i could. So so hurt, I just can't tell you how much.

It is hard to imagine a scenario in which I would be paying for a friends child’s bedroom decoration. That is just a really odd thing to do. Stop paying for everything?

I don’t expect to have to buy presents for my friends adult children either, I am friends with their mother, not them.

@catsatonmybedagain

MsHedgehog oh God that's petty. I just want to start with a new user name - is that so unusual - will i look back your history? You don't exactly have to be Columbo and it ain't rocket science1

She was being helpful not petty. People do change user name, but not usually on their own thread. It is helpful to keep your original username on the thread so your posts can be highlighted.

You are way too invested in these relationships and in all honesty you’re coming across like a martyr.

You do not give to receive. Also, giving a grown man of 30 a card and money seems really weird to me. Children fine and even young adults with significant 18/21 birthdays. Fine. But 30?! That’s really weird.

You have latched on to this lack of cars/money and it’s really unhealthy.

*cards

It's not all about reciprocating presents and gifts of money. You seem to be counting and expecting a balance with what you have given to be given back to you. Where will that end?

@catsatonmymat

HalzTangz no chance of that happening - he had a gambling addiction and nearly lost them the house. He only gets pocket money now and has no clue about finances.

So clearly they do have financial issues then, and debt if he gambles.

Stop frigging whinging, the women is clearly skint

It all sounds a bit odd to me. Step away and stop being offended by nothing. Keeping score like this is not good for you.

Thank you Aprilx. Took me a few seconds to understand why she was calling me petty!

She messaged me to wish him Happy Birthday and anyway it was all over facebook!

I don't understand. Why would she message you to wish him happy birthday? He's an adult with his own phone? Nobody rings me to wish my kids happy birthday cos they're adults and they don't live here.

OP, if you set this all out, you’re mad at your long time friend because she didn’t give your 30 year old son a birthday card with £20 in it.

Seeing it written down, does it show how silly it is to be so upset? You seem to have a lot going on in your life so maybe fixating on the small things is helping distract you from your upcoming surgery.

Wishing you well with the surgery but for now i’d forget the birthday card, £20 is not worth this level of upset.

This thread is really bizarre.
OP you clearly have a lot going on and I'm not going to comment on if YABU or not, as I'm quite worried about the state you are in.

Your comments are really difficult to reason with. As a pp said - you've "warned" people not to say anything that might tip you over the edge, but if you aren't willing to hear what other people think, why have you asked if YABU ?

The relationship you have with this friend, at my kindest, would be 'unusual'.

The whole standing order of £150 going into your bank account every month is really, really strange. Can you imagine the response if a poster had come on here and just said "I've just found out my dh has been paying £150pm into a mate's bank account, and he isn't even a signature on it / doesn't have a card. I knew nothing about this" ? It's just way outside the boundaries on a normal friendship.

As is going round to decorate your friend's daughter's flat. can you not see, this is odd?
Or your friend's daughter "insisting" you come and meet her in town and buy her a McD's ?
Or giving adults - adults you aren't even related to - money ?

There are so many things about this that are not within the norms of most people's friendships.