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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Right I've got a dilemma.

118 replies

catsatonmymat · 14/08/2021 21:43

Anyone looking back will see that I've had back issues, family issues etc. Well, this is something different. My son recently had a big birthday and moved into a new flat. I have a few people I would call best friends, but especially two, we will call friend a and b. Friend b bought my son present for new flat and gave money for his birthday (as I had done for her son), friend a gave nothing, even though she gave friend b's son a card and money for his special birthday last year. For perspective i have know friend b since i was at school and friend a for over 20 years. They only know each other through me and wouldn't socialise without me. For friend a i have given money for every special birthday, gone over and above, even buying her DD things for her bedroom and decorating. Friend a has been asked out the last few weeks as part of couples and says she will let me know but doesn't and comes back to me and the next day to ask how it was. I am so hurt? What is going on? DH thinks i shouldn't rock the boat, but what do i do? I want to confront her but he thinks i will lose friends (we are part of a separate group of friends that very occasionally have nights out and have been on holiday a few times. What do i do? For perspective Friend A had a major beef with these friends only a few months ago and was slagging them off. I am so confused. Advice please

OP posts:
MsHedgehog · 15/08/2021 00:00

@MsHedgehog

How old is your son, Friend B’s son and Friend A’s daughter?
Can you answer this?
beigebrownblue · 15/08/2021 00:02

@catsatonmymat

beigebrownblue She messaged me to wish him Happy Birthday and anyway it was all over facebook!
Don't get it. Sorry. Why would that be all over Facebook. Or why would she message you. As I said she is your friend and not his. Don't get it. Why would you be bothered at all.
Original poster
catsatonmymat · 15/08/2021 00:03

22 and almost 21

OP posts:
MsHedgehog · 15/08/2021 00:05

@catsatonmymat

22 and almost 21
Who is?

How old are all 3 children? They’re all 21/22 years old?

Thatstheway · 15/08/2021 00:05

If your Invites to go out are as garbled & confusing as your thread maybe she doesn't have a clue what you're actually asking her.

HalzTangz · 15/08/2021 00:05

@catsatonmymat

Mydogmylife unfortunately not the case - it is a sizeable direct debit into the account. She works term time and has had three holidays, albeit here. You figure it out!
Just because she been on holiday doesnt mean she's not got money problems, no one knows what goes on behind closed doors

For all you know she may have been spending bills money on luxuries and is now skint and unable to do stuff to manage the bills.

Original poster
catsatonmymat · 15/08/2021 00:05

XelaM thank you very much for your very constructive criticism. I have thought for a while I may be unhinged and what you have said has now confirm this. Thank you again.

OP posts:
RomainingCalm · 15/08/2021 00:05

I mean this really kindly but maybe it's time to reset this friendship and look after yourself, your family and your health.

Go back to meeting for a simple coffee/lunch/dinner and step away from some of the joint holidays, savings accounts and complicated arrangements. By all means give her daughter a card and £20 for her birthday - it really doesn't need to be extravagant- if she's not happy with that it says far more about her than you.

You don't have to ditch the friendship and hopefully your friend will open up if there are some problems. Friendships change over the years and from everything you've posted this evening I would suggest that a bit of space might be good for you both.

saraclara · 15/08/2021 00:05

Nothing good will ever come of keeping a mental tally of who's given what.

Exactly

This all sounds incredibly chaotic and intertwined. Nothing like any friendship I've known. This 'shared' account is madness.
To be honest, I think she's wise to step back.

Original poster
catsatonmymat · 15/08/2021 00:07

RomainingCalm thank you for being so kind.

OP posts:
Original poster
catsatonmymat · 15/08/2021 00:09

saraclara you may be right - it was her that suggested the account but I think the best think i can do is transfer all her money to her. Thank you for your suggestion that she should step away from me - maybe you have a point.

OP posts:
MsHedgehog · 15/08/2021 00:11

Your reluctance to answer the question about ages makes me wonder that Friend A’s daughter and Friend B’s son are younger, but your son is older. If that’s the case, then it’s not really surprising that the younger children get gifts but the older one doesn’t?

Original poster
catsatonmymat · 15/08/2021 00:13

Sorry meant to mention that I am going in for major neurological surgery soon ( not cancer) and my feeling might be slightly skewed by all this. Bit scared to be honest but haven't told anyone the date yet.

OP posts:
Original poster
catsatonmymat · 15/08/2021 00:15

MsHedgehog sorry, friend A's son is 22 and her DD is 22 - friend B's sons is 31 and my Ds was 30 last week. my friend gave my friend's sons £20 in an envelop - I know because I was there and gave him the same.

OP posts:
HalzTangz · 15/08/2021 00:15

@catsatonmymat

50ShadesOfCatholic eh you've got the completely wrong end of the stick - she pays £150 into the account every month by direct debit which her DH knows nothing about!
Maybe husband found out, maybe that created an argument, maybe that resulted on him moving money around due to not trusting her after finding out. So maybe she couldn't buy a card, give cash or come out, because the money wasn't there for her to do it.

We can all summarise and predict theories, but the only way you will find out is too talk to her.

FWIW - you asked if people would be hurt if this happened to them, for me, no I wouldn't be hurt, I was judge the friendship on how's it's been overall rather than judge on one missed birthday and one missed night out in 20 years

Original poster
catsatonmymat · 15/08/2021 00:20

HalzTangz no chance of that happening - he had a gambling addiction and nearly lost them the house. He only gets pocket money now and has no clue about finances.

OP posts:
Original poster
catsatonmymat · 15/08/2021 00:24

Thank you all very much for your advice - I'm off to bed now and will consider all your answers.

OP posts:
XelaM · 15/08/2021 00:25

OP - you clearly have a lot of serious problems, with which we all wish you well, but this situation and expectations you are putting on yourself and your friends when it comes to each other’s kids is not healthy or normal!

I have known my best friend since school (over 25 years) and we are very close. She is also very close to my daughter (11). They message each other without me and get on extremely well, but... on my daughter’s birthday my friend will text “Happy birthday” and send a funny video, no crazy card/money expectations or any such complications. If she comes over to ours, she sometimes brings a small token gift for my daughter. That’s normal level of involvement with your friends’s kids. What you do is way over the top!

MsHedgehog · 15/08/2021 00:26

You’re getting upset over a £20 gift? Is that all?

Please don’t take this the wrong way, as it’s obvious you’re fragile right now with everything you have going on, but your stress and upset, and also the end of your friendship, is not worth £20.

Sweettea1 · 15/08/2021 00:26

So your annoyed with your friend for not giving your grown son money for his birthday?
I would not bring it up with her and I would not try to embarrass her by telling other friends friend b give money they don't need to know who he has received money from.
Sounds like friend a is having money troubles not going out not paying In to holiday club and not sending gifts.

XelaM · 15/08/2021 00:31

I just read that all of this is over £20!!

Sorry OP - let it go!

catsatonmybedagain · 15/08/2021 00:31

Sweettea1 sorry if i wasn't clear - the wages come out of her account every month into our holiday account - that has never changed.

catsatonmybedagain · 15/08/2021 00:32

In fact only a few weeks ago she was talking of upping the money because it's the only way she can't get at the money.

Plumtree391 · 15/08/2021 00:33

@XelaM

OP - you need go calm the heck down. It’s your own fault you’re decorating her kids’ bedrooms - that’s not normal behaviour! I also have friends I have known since school and I don’t do any of that and would “not be there like a shot” if one of their kids moved into a new flat. What is that all about?! Buying your friend’s kid a meal at McDonalds, on the the other hand, is not a big deal and not something you should keep score about.

Sorry, but you sound unhinged.

I wouldn't go as far as to say "Unhinged", but doing things for others should be unconditional. You don't keep tabs.

Some people are naturally more generous than others; presumably you enjoyed what you did for them and they were appreciative at the time. End of.

It's disappointing that friend didn't acknowledge your son's special birthday but I'm afraid that is life, op.

I still think she may have something going on in her life that she isn't talking about at the moment. It may resolve itself, if it doesn't you'll find out eventually.

MsHedgehog · 15/08/2021 00:33

Name change fail OP.