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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Right I've got a dilemma.

118 replies

catsatonmymat · 14/08/2021 21:43

Anyone looking back will see that I've had back issues, family issues etc. Well, this is something different. My son recently had a big birthday and moved into a new flat. I have a few people I would call best friends, but especially two, we will call friend a and b. Friend b bought my son present for new flat and gave money for his birthday (as I had done for her son), friend a gave nothing, even though she gave friend b's son a card and money for his special birthday last year. For perspective i have know friend b since i was at school and friend a for over 20 years. They only know each other through me and wouldn't socialise without me. For friend a i have given money for every special birthday, gone over and above, even buying her DD things for her bedroom and decorating. Friend a has been asked out the last few weeks as part of couples and says she will let me know but doesn't and comes back to me and the next day to ask how it was. I am so hurt? What is going on? DH thinks i shouldn't rock the boat, but what do i do? I want to confront her but he thinks i will lose friends (we are part of a separate group of friends that very occasionally have nights out and have been on holiday a few times. What do i do? For perspective Friend A had a major beef with these friends only a few months ago and was slagging them off. I am so confused. Advice please

OP posts:

Lemonsyellow · 14/08/2021 23:06

@catsatonmymat

RomainingCalm really, so someone you have known since a baby and you wouldn't give a milestone birthday present, even a token? Would you give a friend a present on a milestone present? My friend A had a big birthday this year - i spend a fortune, paid for an afternoon tea, had this outside to meet covid restrictions, paid for all the drink and decorations but yeah don't bother with my DS getting a card a few months later.

Well, no, I wouldn’t give a present to my friend’s adult child for their birthday. It wouldn’t occur to me. Or send a card.

Original poster

catsatonmymat · 14/08/2021 23:10

LitPearl this has been going on for years - neither of them can save - he is a bit of a gambler and we usually go couples holidays so we save this money. If she acts for money out i send it straight away and send myself the same amount. I personally wouldn't do this but she seems to like the arrangement, although I sometimes think she thinks it's a money tree and there's more in there than there is. I would never take any money out without her say so and last week I framed it to say i was was bit skint as well and it would also help me to take some money out to out out (not true) - that's wny I know the lack of money as an excuse. i saw messages of her all week going out for lunch, breakfast etc. (she works term time) so she's not short!

OP posts:

AColdDuncanGoodhew · 14/08/2021 23:12

What age are you all? I’m in my 30’s, a lot of my friends have primary school aged kids and I don’t buy any of them presents. I’ll message to say happy birthday but that’s all.

If you’re happy to spend money and time on friends kids that’s lovely but you shouldn’t expect anything in return. Surely you’re doing it because you want to, not because you feel you need to?

I’ve given a few of my friends things over the years but certainly wouldn’t expect anything in return and I don’t keep a tally of who bought what for who and when, that’s really odd.

nimbuscloud · 14/08/2021 23:16

Do you send copies of bank statements to her so that she sees exactly what’s in the account?

Original poster

catsatonmymat · 14/08/2021 23:16

Some very sensible advice on her - some others as expected by Mumsnet - put yourself in another person's shoes. If my DF is struggling i would so anything to help her as I have in the past but I have had my own demons this year and it is probably the straw that broke the camel's back. All i would say is be nice and constructive with your replies - read above and my previous posts - you never know how the poster is feeling. Just a word of warning - i have had experience of a colleague killing herself in the most horrific manner so be kind when someone has a genuine question or issue, even on AIBU.

OP posts:

Mantlemoose · 14/08/2021 23:19

Why don't you just ask her if there's something wrong, have you done something to upset her (even tho you are sure you haven't). Where you said you've been suicidal and she's know but you've picked up and wanted to go out, perhaps she doesn't feel valued unless you want her for something. You seem to be very money orientated and quite condescending although you probably don't mean to be decorated her daughter's bedroom, took her to the store myself and paid for a lot of extras that she couldn't afford

If they ask what DS got for his birthday (by the way didn't expect anything from them) do i mention friend b's money or just forget it?
Em you say he got money, clothing, a picture - you don't really need to be specific, it's a polite question, no one wants an itemised list.

it's a savings account for girlie holidays etc. If anyone needs money they can ask to take it out and i just pay the same to myself. You should all have cards to this account surely?

LitPearl · 14/08/2021 23:25

@catsatonmymat

Oh wow, you're an extremely defensive person. What I'm hearing from you is ''say what I want to hear, validate my interpretation of events because if you don't that's cruel.

So you define cruelty as somebody not having the same interpretation of events as you have.

Nobody here has been cruel to you but you are being dramatic suggesting that any poster here could push somebody to suicide by asking questions. Asking questions is cruel...........?

Dita73 · 14/08/2021 23:29

It’s obvious what’s going on. Your friend is in financial trouble. The reason she’s still letting you get money from her account is because she doesn’t want you to know what’s going on. She’s embarrassed. The messages you say you’ve seen of her at lunch,etc are probably paid for by someone else or if not you can bet she’s ordered something very small. She’s not going to put pictures on Facebook that show how crap her financial situation is. She’s trying to keep up the pretence so no one finds out. Just let it go. She’s probably worried sick. Also in the future don’t send gifts,etc to her children. It sounds like you’re only doing it to make yourself look good and get something back in return. Are you sure you’re her friend?

LitPearl · 14/08/2021 23:31

In all seriousness, having read this thread now and your responses I think you have fallen out with your friend because you are not open to another perception of events. There is your perception. If that's challenged even gently you assume that mumsnetters are unable to put themselves in your shoes.

I'm not trying to upset you but perhaps you do need to be challenged very gently, just with a reminder that two people can experience the same set of events and have a very, very different perception.

So if you stop assuming that your perception is the ONLY one then possibly it will seem less like there is ONE piece of the puzzle missing.

There could be many reasons your friend has backed away. Would you be open to hearing her experience of the last few years? Or would you think that the only normal reaction / behaviour is to spend money on children's friends/ share an account etc.

If your friend said to you that she had found it enmeshed and unworkable and embarrassing, would you be able to HEAR that or would you get cross with her for not seeing it from your shoes?

MsHedgehog · 14/08/2021 23:33

How old is your son, Friend B’s son and Friend A’s daughter?

nanbread · 14/08/2021 23:35

My guess is - if she's usually reliable - that something is up / she's distracted by something and doesn't want to tell you because of your own issues.

I'm pretty disorganised when it comes to presents etc. I quite possibly have ADHD and struggle to organise myself, is she quite often scatty? She may just not have got around to it x

Original poster

catsatonmymat · 14/08/2021 23:36

Mantlemoose What do you mean, it's all online. If she wanted bank statements she could ask for them. I don't give a toss what I have spent on her children in the past, haven't kept count. I'm just hurt and if I don't know why anyone can't see that. I've had a shit year, major depression, two back fractures, major work issues and to be fair I really didn't want to do a birthday bash but i said i would before I hurt my back and I carried through. My son doesnt care about the money and neither do I reallly it's just the thought - I'm hurt - haven't I a right to be? I just feel as if because I am still suffering with my back and having mental health issues (which I do not mention and have not for weeks) that i am a burden to people. Her DH even said while he was drunk to stop moaning about my back because no one wanted to listen - I had only asked for a comfy chair!

OP posts:

Original poster

catsatonmymat · 14/08/2021 23:41

LitPearl completely sensible advice. I think I will perhaps message her and ask if everything is ok? To be fair she know how I have been feeling and has said that she would be open for a walk, cup of tea, whatever. She usually confides any problems straight way - i know far more about her than even her mother. i will try and message her tomorrow and see if she is ok.

OP posts:

LitPearl · 14/08/2021 23:43

That sounds like a really good idea. Approach her with gentle curiosity and concern.

Good luck xx

Dita73 · 14/08/2021 23:43

Sorry but I don’t think you have a right to be hurt especially as you don’t really know what’s going on. You may never know what’s going on. You just need to decide if you’re friends or not. I appreciate you’ve had a bad year but hasn’t everyone? I don’t know anyone who hasn’t been strongly affected in some way over the last 18 months.

54321nought · 14/08/2021 23:45

@catsatonmymat

Notaroadrunner I know what you mean but I have gone over and above for her kids - they are a bit younger and treat me like an aunt so I have taken them for days out, swimming etc. back in the day. That day with her daughter I took her to Macdonalds and paid for her lunch, she was cheeky enough to say, well i suppose you;re paying. Don't get me wrong, i love the kids and because my kids are slightly older she hasn't had that relationship with them but surely she would have thought well i gave to friend b who she has know for a few years as opposed to me who she has know well over 20 years.

you chose to "go over and above" for her children. This does not place any obligation on her. In fact, if you think it does, then you have not gone "over and above" at all, have you. YOu have done what you think your are required to, and require the same of her.

What if you have different ideas about what is required?

She is not obliged to do anything for your children, just becasue you have done things for hers.

Sorry, your AIBU makes no sense to me, because I annot see what grounds you have to put these expectations on her.

so I say YABU

Original poster

catsatonmymat · 14/08/2021 23:45

nanbread she's not always reliable - this has happened before - she gets caught up in her family and would rather spend time with them - in fact she has brought her son or daughter to a girlie lunch (i'm talking 18/19 at the time) which seemed really odd but she did it every time. This meant the conversations was stilted and focused solely on the teen. What really annoyed me last week was that she was all for going to friend b's house for her tea and drinks and when she found out we were going out she said she was skint and they would give it a miss. They then went out for lunch and he went for drinks. I sent her money and she never even replied until the next day when she asked how our night was.

OP posts:

FallingStar21 · 14/08/2021 23:48

You may have given a lot to her children, but has she asked you to do any of this? I have a relative who always insists on taking my DC out to expensive places, I agree as I know it's fun for DC and relative obviously can afford it. But that's her choice, I have never asked or expected her to do this.

Your friend may have been able to afford money and card for another child last year but may be unable to afford the same for your son this year.

She may be able to afford only one lunch out and she chose to go with her DH.
Lastly, echoing PP, you can't accuse people of pushing someone to suicide just because they gave a different perspective. Please take your own advice, put yourself in someone else's (your friend's) shoes.

Original poster

catsatonmymat · 14/08/2021 23:48

54321nought God no I would never ask her to do anything for my children - they wouldn't want her to. It was her DD who kept phoning me asking when I was taking her shopping. My DF asked for help with decorating whilst her daughter was away on holiday and me and my DH spend a whole night there after work trying to get it finished. Did not bother me in the slightest.

OP posts:

AColdDuncanGoodhew · 14/08/2021 23:50

“She gets caught up with her family and would rather spend time with them”

Wtf.

Original poster

catsatonmymat · 14/08/2021 23:53

FallingStar21 you don't know how wrong you are - i took her kids to the pool, the beach, the local park - all things that cost nothing. I had no money to spare at all when my kids were young - I was absolutely skint. My DF went on two to three foreign holidays a year - I was lucky to have a staycation every second or third year. Don't try to throw the money card - her daughter's birthday is coming up and as well as a very lavish party she is spending £1000 on her present - not a poor wee person I don't think!

OP posts:

Original poster

catsatonmymat · 14/08/2021 23:54

AColdDuncanGoodhew eh I'm talking about her extended family - not her kids, they have better fish to fry!

OP posts:

AColdDuncanGoodhew · 14/08/2021 23:55

She can spend £1000 on her daughter because she’s HER daughter. She doesn’t owe you a single thing let alone your son.

Original poster

catsatonmymat · 14/08/2021 23:59

AColdDuncanGoodhew totally agree. Thank you very much for your advice.

OP posts:

XelaM · 14/08/2021 23:59

OP - you need go calm the heck down. It’s your own fault you’re decorating her kids’ bedrooms - that’s not normal behaviour! I also have friends I have known since school and I don’t do any of that and would “not be there like a shot” if one of their kids moved into a new flat. What is that all about?! Buying your friend’s kid a meal at McDonalds, on the the other hand, is not a big deal and not something you should keep score about.

Sorry, but you sound unhinged.

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