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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Right I've got a dilemma.

118 replies

catsatonmymat · 14/08/2021 21:43

Anyone looking back will see that I've had back issues, family issues etc. Well, this is something different. My son recently had a big birthday and moved into a new flat. I have a few people I would call best friends, but especially two, we will call friend a and b. Friend b bought my son present for new flat and gave money for his birthday (as I had done for her son), friend a gave nothing, even though she gave friend b's son a card and money for his special birthday last year. For perspective i have know friend b since i was at school and friend a for over 20 years. They only know each other through me and wouldn't socialise without me. For friend a i have given money for every special birthday, gone over and above, even buying her DD things for her bedroom and decorating. Friend a has been asked out the last few weeks as part of couples and says she will let me know but doesn't and comes back to me and the next day to ask how it was. I am so hurt? What is going on? DH thinks i shouldn't rock the boat, but what do i do? I want to confront her but he thinks i will lose friends (we are part of a separate group of friends that very occasionally have nights out and have been on holiday a few times. What do i do? For perspective Friend A had a major beef with these friends only a few months ago and was slagging them off. I am so confused. Advice please

OP posts:

Original poster

catsatonmymat · 14/08/2021 22:39

I would like to see how many of you who had given so much for birthdays, Christmas, paying extra for decorating for bedrooms and knowing that you friend gave your other son's friend money and a card last year wouldn't hurt you. Stop this scoring points and saying you are not entitled to anything, I know that but I feel i have a right to feel hurt that my BF has not given him even a card and has shown no interest in his new flat. If table were turned i would have been down there like a shot if i could. So so hurt, I just can't tell you how much.

OP posts:

soupforbrains · 14/08/2021 22:40

It’s sounds like she is distancing herself from you/the group a bit.

Her reasons why could be complex. You said it was couples things you invited her to. It may be that her other half doesn’t want to and she didn’t want to /doesn’t enjoy the social group and she didn’t want to tell you that. Or it could be that she and her partner are having relationship problems and doing couple-y meet ups aren’t great for them at the moment. Or it could be that she’s having some reopening anxiety and is limiting her social contact because it’s making her anxious/exhausting her.

There are SO many potential reasons beyond money which it could be. I think it’s fine to have a chat with her. Necessary in fact, unless you’re happy for her to just drift away.

But I wouldn’t raise the gift thing. It’s obvious you’re disappointed. But gifts are just that. You should be giving to give, not giving to receive. So should never expect anything, whether on your behalf or your sons.

Original poster

catsatonmymat · 14/08/2021 22:41

nimbuscloud They would spend it otherwise and trust me to keep it. I have to have relative serious neurological surgery soon and my DF mentioned to DH that we had a joint account - oh well - cut up much!

OP posts:

Feedingthebirds1 · 14/08/2021 22:42

Let it go and just gradually cool off with her. It sounds like you are very much more invested in the friendship than she is. It's fine to have different styles and approaches, and I get that part of your hurt is that she gave a card and money to b's son.

Given what she said about going for lunch with her DH, it sounds like she thought that was a better offer than going out with you, nothing to do with money - that was maybe an excuse. Take a step back and loosen the friendship.

5128gap · 14/08/2021 22:44

I would just say 'is everything ok? When you didn't say anything about coming out the other night and didn't come, I was worried something was the matter, because its not like you' and take it from there.

50ShadesOfCatholic · 14/08/2021 22:44

I find this so odd.

The money thing - she hasn't paid into joint holiday account, she's turning down invites involving cost and she isn't givingoney as gifts. It's hardly rocket science to deduce that she is having money problems.

That she doesn't prioritise spending on occasions involving you and your family over her own does not mean she has plenty of money. It must be awful for her having the pressure of your expectations.

Try to listen to what she's telling you. She doesn't want to go to your social events. She has chosen not to give your child a gift. She doesn't want or isn't able to go on holiday with you.

You need to back off.

If you have a genuine friendship, she will be in touch when she is ready.

Definitely do not "confront" her!

And it isn't cool the way you judge her for how she chooses to spend her money.

Original poster

catsatonmymat · 14/08/2021 22:46

soupforbrains first sensible answer. I did think of this - he can be an arse - excuse my French - but he would never stop her putting money in a card or doing anything. Usually she will confide in me but i appreciate if it was a couples situation she might not be able to. She won't either with the other two girls we are meeting so I might try and get her on her own to ask. I don't care about the money but you have given me food for thought. Thank you.

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Original poster

catsatonmymat · 14/08/2021 22:48

50ShadesOfCatholic eh you've got the completely wrong end of the stick - she pays £150 into the account every month by direct debit which her DH knows nothing about!

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RomainingCalm · 14/08/2021 22:50

Honestly, step away for a bit and let things cool down. Nothing good will ever come of keeping a mental tally of who's given what.

No, you don't give to receive and shouldn't have expectations but I do understand why you might feel hurt when you feel that you've done so much. That said, you sound over-involved in friend's daughter's life and maybe it's starting to feel uncomfortable. Friend may have money issues or other problems that she doesn't want to discuss and that's fine.

I don't understand the joint account thing, it's just not something I'd ever do with friends, but I'd be tempted to give everyone back their share and let adults save for themselves.

Original poster

catsatonmymat · 14/08/2021 22:50

50ShadesOfCatholic that's what i was thinking because you just never know what someone is going through and she knows I've been extremely low - I mean extremely as in suicidal - but the last few weeks i have picked up a bit and wanted to go out.

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LitPearl · 14/08/2021 22:51

@VenusTiger

Sounds like you all need to knock this present money giving mallarkey on the head - they're older "kids" right? your DS has a flat - so he's an adult, yes? You all need to stop doing it - a card is enough. Look at how the friend's DD behaved in McDs - expecting you to pay - it's not a great lesson for these young adults is it.

Yes. This.

I can't afford the type of house I would like. It's too small, it's not big enough, it's a bit shabby, it's too far from the station and it's in a suburb that's a bit too far out of the city but I know I'm lucky to have it......... but if I were expected to give money to my friends' adult sons

Original poster

catsatonmymat · 14/08/2021 22:53

RomainingCalm certainly not uncomfortable for daughter's friend - she is super confident and phones me up at the drop of a hat. She want on and on until I took her shopping! When I took her to Macdonalds she said aw cat are you paying for me. I told her she was a cheeky so and so but still paid. I drove her there and back - about 45 mins.

OP posts:

nimbuscloud · 14/08/2021 22:55

Stop being a doormat !!!

50ShadesOfCatholic · 14/08/2021 22:57

Even your updates are contradictory and confusing. I'm guessing your friend finds you equally difficult to follow!

Original poster

catsatonmymat · 14/08/2021 22:58

RomainingCalm really, so someone you have known since a baby and you wouldn't give a milestone birthday present, even a token? Would you give a friend a present on a milestone present? My friend A had a big birthday this year - i spend a fortune, paid for an afternoon tea, had this outside to meet covid restrictions, paid for all the drink and decorations but yeah don't bother with my DS getting a card a few months later.

OP posts:

LitPearl · 14/08/2021 23:00

Is there a chance her husband found out about the 150 she's been putting in to an account that you have control over every month? He could have said ''not another cent goes to @catsatonmymat because from his pov she's been putting 150 in to ''your'' account every month??

The whole situation with sums of money being given to adult children is a bit hard to understand.

beigebrownblue · 14/08/2021 23:00

I'm really sorry if this sounds harsh but she is your friend not anyone's sons friend.

I wouldn't feel offended if a friend of mine forgot my DD's birthday.
I just wouldn't expect them to remember.

She would be my friend and not my DD's
Even if she forgot my birthday I don't think I would make a big deal of it, my memory is not great either.

RomainingCalm · 14/08/2021 23:00

Sorry, I didn't mean that the daughter was uncomfortable- it sounds as if she gets a lot from your relationship - but maybe the Friend feels a bit uncomfortable that you are so involved and do so much.

I have some very close friends but can't imagine a scenario where I'd be decorating their DC's bedrooms for example.

LitPearl · 14/08/2021 23:03

@catsatonmymat tell me about the account will you.
Have I understood this correctly, your friend's husband doesn't/didn't know that she puts 150 in to an account every month. And who can access this account? who can withdraw money from this account? Is it in joint names or your name?

Would her husband be a bit like what. the. hell................. if he found out that she'd been putting 150 pm in to ''your'' account??

Because if the money just stopped, I'd guess that her husband found out and asked her why on earth is she doing this?

Plumtree391 · 14/08/2021 23:04

I wonder if friend a is having some personal difficulties which she doesn't want to share at the moment but may reveal in time if they are not resolved.

Just watch and wait, play it by ear and get on with your life.

Ireolu · 14/08/2021 23:04

The whole thing is confusing me and quid pro quo relationships always make me uncomfortable. I'm sorry OP it sounds like you give specifically to receive and that's not the spirit of giving to me so you are disappointed when you don't get what you think you are owed. I would not for one second question why a friend has or has not given me or someone else something. It's none of my business what they choose to do with their money.

If you are concerned she is drifting away from you have a conversation to clarify if you have done something to upset her. If you haven't and she continues to distance herself there isn't much you can do. I learnt the hard way that you can't force people to be your friend.

Thesearmsofmine · 14/08/2021 23:04

This all sounds a bit full on and keeping rallies over how much you have done for her and how much each person gives to your adult son is a bit odd.

If she is actually your friend you would be worried if she acts out of character and asking her if she ok, not asking on mumsnet if you should confront her because she didn’t give your adult son any money.

RomainingCalm · 14/08/2021 23:05

@catsatonmymat

I don't think I ever said that I wouldn't give a gift - token or otherwise.

Original poster

catsatonmymat · 14/08/2021 23:05

beigebrownblue She messaged me to wish him Happy Birthday and anyway it was all over facebook!

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 14/08/2021 23:05

This is all so unnecessarily complicated.

Make the friendships simple by keeping your hands out of each other's purses and just be normal friends.

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