Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed DH did a big shop & made this meal?

414 replies

lechatnoir · 14/08/2021 19:55

I've been at an event all day with one of my dc and asked DH to get a few bits from the shops. I asked him just get the basics to tide us over until the food order comes on Monday evening plus gave him the ingredients needed for a specific pasta salad dish my friend asked me to make for her bbq tomorrow.

So first AIBU: to be annoyed he did a massive shop - cupboards & fridge are full so I'm going to have to cancel the order I spent a good hour doing last night and then faff around working out whether we've actually got any meals for the week in the £180 shop he did Angry

And 2nd AIBU: to be really pissed off he's made some other completely random pasta salad dish. It does sounds lovely BUT it is neither what was requested by me/the host and won't be touched by the kids which was the whole point of mine! I can't work out if he was doing it to save me a job (in which case I look like a bitch) or to show-off his cooking he is a keen amateur chef convinced he'll win master chef one day Hmm

DH is always saying he feels he can't say or do anything without me criticising so I really really don't want to moan but FFS how hard is it to just get what I asked!

So AIBU and a negative, moaning old nag who needs to let it go or AINBU and he's a knob who ignores instructions & requests,, goes off piste then gets cross when criticised.

OP posts:
frazzledasarock · 14/08/2021 21:50

Well however the meal planning went OP was the one expected to do the cooking.

I’d say nope if DH suggested I do a five course cordon bleu thing that my kids wouldn’t eat, after a day at work. Nope not happening. Chicken in pasta pesto yep sure I’ll do it.

After work I want to cook super fast eat and crash.

ViceLikeBlip · 14/08/2021 21:51

Also, it makes a huge difference which of you will deal with any consequences. Is he cooking all the meals for the week, and will he automatically sort out any gaps in his shop? Or will it fall to you?

If you already had it all under control (because you're always the one who has to have it under control) and he's actually made your life MORE difficult, then that's not helping, is it?! The fact that he thinks this WOULD be helpful just shows that this is something he never normally helps out with, never mind takes charge of. What would be useful: "it's my turn to sort out the food this week. I will take full responsibility for every item of food this week so you can actually put it out of your mind for a change"

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 14/08/2021 21:53

@Bookaholic73

Honestly, I’d just be grateful that he did a shop and made some dinner. Maybe it wasn’t what you asked, but at least he tried.
This is the problem with a lot of men, they "try". It isn't good enough. I have to get things done not just try otherwise my life would be in chaos. I can't just try at work or try to do a decent budget or try to pay the bills - I have to actually do them well and on time and follow the instructions I am given. 2 crappy ex husbands have convinced me there aren't going to be anymore who try and don't do.
Longdistance · 14/08/2021 21:55

Replace the food on your online shop with wine. If you pm I’ll give you my address Grin
In seriousness, I cannot take me dh food shopping. He puts any shit into the trolley, goes off the shopping list and costs us a bloody fortune. That’s why I do all the food shopping.

Spanielstail · 14/08/2021 21:55

Just change the date on your online shop and next week's shopping is sorted?

Be grateful. He sounds lovely and you do sound critical.

ViceLikeBlip · 14/08/2021 21:57

@Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g

Those are nice things. Doing something that actually makes a lot more work when the OP thought the work was already done is not a nice thing. I find it odd that so many people can't see this.
Yes! Exactly this! If he didn't think it through as far as the point where it actually started to affect the OP, then how can that be construed as him doing a nice thing for her?
Purpleweeks · 14/08/2021 21:59

Ynbu

Original poster
lechatnoir · 14/08/2021 22:00

@Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g

I suspect doing it together amounted to OP doing it and husband saying 'Mmm, yes, good idea' every so often without really listening.
Meal planning involves me at some point saying right, I'm doing a food shop what do we want to eat next week? In a normal week DH & I choose & cook 2-3 meals each & DC choose & cook 1 each or together depending on complexity or other commitments. sometimes DH cooks more sometimes I do but we do need to plan or we end up ordering takeaways or eating rubbish.
OP posts:
Hankunamatata · 14/08/2021 22:03

He is a twat. He knew you had ordered a big shop and chose to then do a big shop rather than nipping to local corner shop.

VladmirsPoutine · 14/08/2021 22:13

Do people really consider making and / or cancelling an online shopping order a 'job'?

Shadedog · 14/08/2021 22:15

Why can’t he mealplan with what he’s bought? I don’t really get how a keen chef can buy £180 worth of perishable food that fills the fridge and cupboards but can’t make a meal out of it. I’m an adult, I buy what I want at the shops and I would think DH was an absolute bellend if he asked me to get something and then went in a strop because I bought extra. I can’t see how a barbecue can be spoiled by excess pasta salad either.
You can reschedule food deliveries. No need to cancel and re-add everything.

Gordonsgrin · 14/08/2021 22:17

I admit I haven’t read the whole thread, spoils. However, I don’t see why your DP didn’t do the event thing with your dc and you do the stuff you wanted done so specifically?

Italiangreyhound · 14/08/2021 22:17

I'd be pissed off.

Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g · 14/08/2021 22:18

So does he say 'I'll make X, Y and Z, so please add [reels off long list of things] to order, or do you say 'How about you make X, Y and Z?' and you add long list of things to order so all he has to do is cook it? There's a considerable difference in time, thought and effort between those.

Graphista · 14/08/2021 22:19

Soooo many handmaidens and so so many nasty personal attacks!

This is not "help" it's arrogant, undermining and disrespectful and has and will cause the op MORE work this week not less.

He knew what the situation was and has ignored not only op but everyone involved.

Stupid, wasteful and ignorant.

Not a miscommunication as he knew exactly what was happening.

He needs to at the very least do the meal planning for the week, actually taking into consideration (which he clearly hasn't yet) the family's needs and ops schedule and how long she normally spends on cooking (as I'm sure she still had plenty else to do!)

He sounds the type of arrogant arse who is a "for show chef" who makes an unholy mess in the kitchen and expects a medal every time he cooks!

He needs to feel the consequences of HIS actions. He's totally out of order.

lastcall · 14/08/2021 22:21

Tell him HE will be cooking all the meals this week without input from you using the items he felt compelled in a big shop (that wasted your time/planning as that has had to be cancelled).

Tell him he'll have to make a second pasta salad for the DCs as well as that is what you committed to bring; he needs to listen and stop going off piste.

Don't criticize; just sit back and have him sort the problems he's created.

bizboz · 14/08/2021 22:23

This would make me annoyed too and my DH would also complain about how he was trying to help and do a nice thing. He doesn't ever plan and think about the consequences though. I can be a bit controlling, I fully admit, but this situation sounded like it needed some planning and forethought rather than a nice "in the moment" gesture.

Doodlebug71 · 14/08/2021 22:25

"OP has done all the wife work involved in meal planning and ordering the shopping for the week. He only needed to get a few bits. Instead he completely ignores this because ‘he knows best?’"

Why is meal planning "wife work"? That's just adult work.

CurryLover55 · 14/08/2021 22:26

OP isn’t controlling at all! I would be really annoyed if I’d asked DH to just get a few bits plus specific salad ingredients & he went & did a massive shop! £180! Plus OP says her DH has form for similar behaviour. I think it’s lack of respect in a way as he obviously doesn’t listen.

Lucia574 · 14/08/2021 22:26

I’d have been pleased snd just changed the date of my delivery.

Frugblie · 14/08/2021 22:26

@Graphista

Soooo many handmaidens and so so many nasty personal attacks!

This is not "help" it's arrogant, undermining and disrespectful and has and will cause the op MORE work this week not less.

He knew what the situation was and has ignored not only op but everyone involved.

Stupid, wasteful and ignorant.

Not a miscommunication as he knew exactly what was happening.

He needs to at the very least do the meal planning for the week, actually taking into consideration (which he clearly hasn't yet) the family's needs and ops schedule and how long she normally spends on cooking (as I'm sure she still had plenty else to do!)

He sounds the type of arrogant arse who is a "for show chef" who makes an unholy mess in the kitchen and expects a medal every time he cooks!

He needs to feel the consequences of HIS actions. He's totally out of order.

They usually do an equal amount of cooking and input into meal planning by the latest post (as it should be)- so perhaps read the thread before posting? Is handmaiden another word like cool girl mindlessly posted by other women to judge others? Goody.
Nanny0gg · 14/08/2021 22:27

@Bookaholic73

Honestly, I’d just be grateful that he did a shop and made some dinner. Maybe it wasn’t what you asked, but at least he tried.
Did he? If its not what was asked or wanted it's not helpful.
Blossomtoes · 14/08/2021 22:28

Is handmaiden another word like cool girl mindlessly posted by other women to judge others?

It seems to be. I’ve been called both which feels a bit counterintuitive.

Branster · 14/08/2021 22:28

I'd suggest to change delivery date for your big online order and use it the following week for the meals already planned last night.
For this week, use what DH bought and you both cook whatever comes easiest with what you have.
Don't waste time making your own pasta dish, take DH's as it's already available.
Kids will not starve at the bbq because of it - in my experience they're like termites and eat anything going in the context of a bbq or any outdoor gathering.
OP, I admire your awareness of your tendency at being critical. In my head I criticise a lot and have to try really, really hard not to comment but I can't keep quiet as much as I should.

Mateypotatey · 14/08/2021 22:33

Agree with a @Shehasadiamondinthesky . Strategic incompetence also boils my piss. I can't decide if my DP just doesn't notice things or if he expects me to do things because I'm a woman... but it seems to be a common problem. OP I'd be a annoyed too, depending on what was in the shopping would depend on how annoyed.