To be annoyed DH did a big shop & made this meal?

[lechatnoir]

I've been at an event all day with one of my dc and asked DH to get a few bits from the shops. I asked him just get the basics to tide us over until the food order comes on Monday evening plus gave him the ingredients needed for a specific pasta salad dish my friend asked me to make for her bbq tomorrow.

So first AIBU: to be annoyed he did a massive shop - cupboards & fridge are full so I'm going to have to cancel the order I spent a good hour doing last night and then faff around working out whether we've actually got any meals for the week in the £180 shop he did

And 2nd AIBU: to be really pissed off he's made some other completely random pasta salad dish. It does sounds lovely BUT it is neither what was requested by me/the host and won't be touched by the kids which was the whole point of mine! I can't work out if he was doing it to save me a job (in which case I look like a bitch) or to show-off his cooking he is a keen amateur chef convinced he'll win master chef one day

DH is always saying he feels he can't say or do anything without me criticising so I really really don't want to moan but FFS how hard is it to just get what I asked!

So AIBU and a negative, moaning old nag who needs to let it go or AINBU and he's a knob who ignores instructions & requests,, goes off piste then gets cross when criticised.

If you're going to a BBQ, I'm pretty sure the kids will be more interested in burgers and sausages than a blooming pasta salad!

It sounds as if he was trying to help but got it wrong. It's no bother to cancel the online order.

My sister is like this. Moans about having to do 'everything' herself, but as soon as anyone offers to help (including her DH, myself or our Mum), we're just 'doing it wrong'.

In the end we all gave up trying to help. It wasn't worth it for the fury, the passive aggressiveness etc.

Maybe you need to have a rethink.

It would annoy me too as I generally do all the shopping and meal planning myself. However you’ve got to give the guy points for trying. He took the initiative and did something to help, which is more than a lot of men do. So I’d just thank him, be grateful that he tried, meal plan around what he bought, and then adjust my online shop accordingly.

I’m also bewildered by the ‘ be grateful’ posts. Your communication to him is fine. He knew the weekly food shop had been ordered after the meal plan which he contributed to had been done. He knew the salad had been specifically requested by the host for a specific reason. He chose to ignore all this.

I don’t think you are bossy and critical. I think he pulls this shit all the time and says you are critical rather than accepting responsibility for being a twat.
His actions are making your life harder. I’m betting it’s not even possible to make the salad the host requested because he didn’t buy the ingredients for it.
I agree with everyone saying ask him to do a meal plan for the week based on the shop that he bought, move your order delivery date and he needs to let the host know about the pasta salad. He has been massively disrespectful to you both.
Have you asked him to explain how what he did was helpful?

gave him the ingredients needed for a specific pasta salad dish my friend asked me to make for her bbq tomorrow.

The fellow has gone his own way and made a dish that isn't what was requested.

It doesn't matter why the dish was requested, and agreed on. He decided to do something else, because he did. Then spent £180 on other stuff. WTAF??

Agree this is annoying, but as previous posters have said, let him resolve the problems he has caused. Let him explain to the host and make something separate for the kids, plus adapt the meal plan to fit what he bought. He’ll listen next time.

The trouble with men who do this (and women who think it’s ok) is that they think it’s just you laying down the law according to your own preferences - not that there will be reasons why you wanted it done a certain way (what the kids will and won’t eat, etc) and that failing to take those reasons into account will cause more hassle further down the line. Don’t do the extra work to mop up after him. Let him do it.

@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy

If you're going to a BBQ, I'm pretty sure the kids will be more interested in burgers and sausages than a blooming pasta salad!

It sounds as if he was trying to help but got it wrong. It's no bother to cancel the online order.

My sister is like this. Moans about having to do 'everything' herself, but as soon as anyone offers to help (including her DH, myself or our Mum), we're just 'doing it wrong'.

In the end we all gave up trying to help. It wasn't worth it for the fury, the passive aggressiveness etc.

Maybe you need to have a rethink.

Really? Do fuck off.

The host specifically requested a pasta dish. OP was doing that. OP's husband decided he knew better. How is that helpful? it's not.

Whats wrong with feeling grateful when someone does the dinner or the shopping.
Are we all supposed to take our spouses for granted now?

I haven’t even had so much as a shag in a year an people moaning about stuff like this 😂

@diamondpony80

It would annoy me too as I generally do all the shopping and meal planning myself. However you’ve got to give the guy points for trying. He took the initiative and did something to help, which is more than a lot of men do. So I’d just thank him, be grateful that he tried, meal plan around what he bought, and then adjust my online shop accordingly.

"Give the guy points for trying"?? Why??

"He tried".. to do what? He specifically ignored the request, and thought he knew better. ffs.

"more than a lot of men do" So teach your men and boys to do better. Every time. Teach them better. Stop generalising, and teach them to do better.

What was pasta salad requested versus what was made.

I am totally curious to compare the online shop and the spontaneous £180 shop

@Doodlebug71

No need to be so rude.

@Changemaname1

I haven’t even had so much as a shag in a year an people moaning about stuff like this 😂

People are mentioning how much the food shop cost.
So is that what’s bothering people more, that t cost a lot of money?

What was pasta salad requested versus what was made

I’m unreasonably intrigued by this. The made pasta salad “sounds lovely” but also “won’t be touched by kids”. Schrodingers pasta salad.

I am also disproportionately invested is whether the ingredients for Pasta Salad A are available in the bulging fridge and cupboards.

I don’t even like pasta salad

I always think posters are unreasonable when they say 'DH ignored my instructions 'or 'DH didn't follow my instructions '

This. Who are these people? He's not wonderful. He couldn't follow simple instructions.*

This is a grown adult not a dog. It’s his house and money too.
If he wants to do the food shopping and cooking for a change then he can.
If him doing a big shop interferes with the big shop OP has coming then he can rearrange it for another time.

I feel like this is being made out to be a way bigger issue than it needs to be.

Am I the only one curious to hear the OP’s pasta salad recipe? I just can’t imagine one so special for the friend to request it specifically, or that an alternative could cause any meaningful issue

Schrodingers pasta salad

@Branleuse

Whats wrong with feeling grateful when someone does the dinner or the shopping. Are we all supposed to take our spouses for granted now?

Because its not what was required? Can you imagine asking for a specific dish and being given something else because someone else decides that is what YOU REALLY WANT The shopping is just idiotic its already been done why do it twice do you have money to burn?

@Unsubscribed

I always think posters are unreasonable when they say 'DH ignored my instructions 'or 'DH didn't follow my instructions '

I agree. Particularly when you then get threads with people complaining that they have to give instructions, write lists and “Why do I have to shoulder all the mental load? Why can’t he just see what needs doing.” It seems to me that 21st century man can’t do right for doing wrong.

I’m with you OP. My partner occasionally does stuff like this and it drives me crazy. And yes, I also get accused of criticising all the time, think this is a standard male response as a defensive mechanism.

What is this you say? Someone with a penis has been in a shop AND made pasta? I have heard of such things and this is known as "help" and he must be thanked, even if he bought 12 dozen packs of sponge fingers, some scouring pads and a magnum of Bollinger. Have some respect ladies.

When a woman goes to the shops and makes pasta its called living and they must not be thanked for these two things as who-do-they-think-they-fucking-are.

Also I literally can't wait for my list with instructions as I too want to go to the shops but blame my husband for being ungrateful if I get it wrong.

I don't have to think, and he's immediately labelled a nag. This sounds brilliant. I wonder why it hasn't caught on? Oh. Hang on ...

It's a week's worth of shopping. Hardly the end of the world?! Just cancel the order and move on FFS. Imagine getting grief from your DH for "messing up a food shop". Controlling? Belittling? I guess so! It's food. All edible I presume? It's only a week. Make do and do your online order next week FFS. At least this week he got to buy what he wanted to eat 😅