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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed DH did a big shop & made this meal?

414 replies

lechatnoir · 14/08/2021 19:55

I've been at an event all day with one of my dc and asked DH to get a few bits from the shops. I asked him just get the basics to tide us over until the food order comes on Monday evening plus gave him the ingredients needed for a specific pasta salad dish my friend asked me to make for her bbq tomorrow.

So first AIBU: to be annoyed he did a massive shop - cupboards & fridge are full so I'm going to have to cancel the order I spent a good hour doing last night and then faff around working out whether we've actually got any meals for the week in the £180 shop he did Angry

And 2nd AIBU: to be really pissed off he's made some other completely random pasta salad dish. It does sounds lovely BUT it is neither what was requested by me/the host and won't be touched by the kids which was the whole point of mine! I can't work out if he was doing it to save me a job (in which case I look like a bitch) or to show-off his cooking he is a keen amateur chef convinced he'll win master chef one day Hmm

DH is always saying he feels he can't say or do anything without me criticising so I really really don't want to moan but FFS how hard is it to just get what I asked!

So AIBU and a negative, moaning old nag who needs to let it go or AINBU and he's a knob who ignores instructions & requests,, goes off piste then gets cross when criticised.

OP posts:
Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g · 14/08/2021 21:37

It all depends. OP's husband might have gone to the supermarket and spent £180 on sensible stuff that will all get used up and can be put together to make full meals of a type that all the family will eat. Or he might have wandered around in a dream putting any old thing in the trolley because he thought it might be nice, with little thought about what it would go with.

E.g. 1: he bought mince with a specific plan of making chilli, so also bought red kidney beans, onions, tinned tomatoes etc, and also bought a good selection of basics - maybe not specifically what OP asked for, but all basics are now there for the next few days.

E.g. 2: he bought lots and lots of crisps, biscuits, booze and soft drinks, a box of quail's eggs to see what they're like, 3l of milk in case you're running low (when you actually have 9l in already) and no cereal, teabags, bread, fruit or vegetables, which you actually needed.

1 is helpful and OP needs to learn to let go a bit.

2 is not helpful in the slightest and OP is right.

Only she knows which is which.

rubbletrouble · 14/08/2021 21:37

@PlanDeRaccordement

I’d not be upset, cancelling an online shop takes 1/100th of the time it took you to write this bitchy post. If you criticise everything he does, eventually he will stop doing anything, then you’ll be on here bitching about your lazy man child....that you created.
I do have to agree with this a bit. The OP acknowledges she is bossy, that's not an attractive traits in a partnership, and the DH has voiced this.
Blossomtoes · 14/08/2021 21:37

@NannyAndJohn

Bin his salad, get him to make the one he was asked to.

It's deliberate. It's controlling.

Don’t be ridiculous. Bin a perfectly good dish and waste food to satisfy a fit of pique?
Itreallytiedtheroomtogether · 14/08/2021 21:38

blossomtoes 'He’s taken the “mental workload”. If there’s not a week’s worth of meals in £180 worth of food there’s something badly wrong. She can push her food delivery back a week and save herself a job for next week and ask him to meal plan for this week.

In the meantime he’s made the pasta salad and saved her another job - how different can pasta salads be?'

But how has any of that helped? He's created work for the OP - chances are there will be things for next week needed that he didn't get, even if not it's more work to move it and replan. And she has to make a new pasta dish.

Everyone falling over themselves to praise him - was it you that said you'd be on your knees in gratitude??! - should be embarrassed.

LovePoppy · 14/08/2021 21:38

@Bookaholic73

Honestly, I’d just be grateful that he did a shop and made some dinner. Maybe it wasn’t what you asked, but at least he tried.
This is exactly why standards are so low for men and so high for women

“At least he tried” is bullshit when he deliberately did the opposite of what was asked.

My ex would do this, make me look crazy, then complain that he was just trying to help

LadyTiredWinterBottom2 · 14/08/2021 21:38

Well maybe he pays for half the shopping so thought he would buy things that he wants to eat for a change rather than being told.

He can't follow simple instructions...stop thinking for him then, he has a brain! If he was allowed to engage it at home maybe he would actually make better decisions....!

Stop being a martyr!!

ViceLikeBlip · 14/08/2021 21:38

I hardly ever ask my husband to do anything specific (well, I'll tell him if I'm going out and he needs to look after the kids, but that's it). But on the very rare occasion that I DO ask him to do something specific, he absolutely won't do it how I asked. It feels like a weird power thing, like it would be weak and subservient or something if he lowered himself to actually doing what I asked?! And I know I'm going to be roasted here on MN for saying that, but I know him and you guys don't!

(he also refuses to ever rush for anything. If he's a bit late he'll go deliberately slower, because he works on his own schedule and he doesn't dance to the beat of anyone else's drum. I have wondered before about pathological demand avoidance)

TractorAndHeadphones · 14/08/2021 21:38

[quote PlanDeRaccordement]@NumberTheory
Blah blah blah. Whose to say the DP didn’t meal plan when he did the big shop. Youre all assuming he bought £150 of beer and £30 of cheese puffs to spite the OP.

Are you often so controlling in your life? I suggest being a bit more flexible.[/quote]
It clearly didn’t mirror the online shop (as the OP said she’d need to figure out meals) - and they’d already meal planned together. How is it respectful to unilaterally change things for no good reason?

Jasmine11 · 14/08/2021 21:40

He's taken care of the big food shop and made the pasta salad? Sorry you are coming across as a bit of an ungrateful control freak. Cancelling the online order will literally take 30 secs to do, or just reschedule it for next week so you haven't wasted the half hour you took to do it.

dudsville · 14/08/2021 21:40

I didn't see a voting button so I'm saying here yabu.

I don't think either of you are right or wrong based on your op, I just think you need to communicate better, both of you.

Sillysuzie · 14/08/2021 21:41

Yabvu

Frugblie · 14/08/2021 21:41

@5128gap

Those people who think OP is in the wrong, if someone asked you to pick up a few things for them would you completely ignore their request and buy £180 of random stuff? If they asked you to buy ingredients for a meal would you instead make them a different meal?
But when you say pick a few bits up for them, its for the household surely, unless OP has decided to take on the entire role of buying food when also saying that DH likes to think of himself as a bit of a chef in which case sure it's for her. We don't know if it's random stuff or not, OP hasn't said, it's very unlikely if he knows his way around a kitchen that it's just 30 packs of mackrel or nothing of use. It just sounds an exhausting way to live for both of them in honesty, the big shop is done, he can meal plan for the next week and some pasta has been made for the bbq. Relax.
MrsTophamHat · 14/08/2021 21:42

@Jasmine11

He's taken care of the big food shop and made the pasta salad? Sorry you are coming across as a bit of an ungrateful control freak. Cancelling the online order will literally take 30 secs to do, or just reschedule it for next week so you haven't wasted the half hour you took to do it.
The half hour THEY took to do it. THEY discussed the meal plan and did it TOGETHER.

If she had just done it and not told him, then this would be a simple miscommunication but he KNEW a full food shop was coming on Monday because he had contributed to it. What is the rational thought process?

Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g · 14/08/2021 21:43

Pasta salads come in many forms. Maybe there are going to be lots of children at the BBQ who won't touch anything except very plain food. The cheffy pasta salad might be stuffed with olives, capers, sundried tomatoes, aubergines, preserved lemons, all sorts of glorious things that these poor kids haven't yet learned to enjoy.

Bookaholic73 · 14/08/2021 21:43

I don’t understand why so many women on this thread have equated ‘grateful’ with setting a low bar.

My DH is grateful when I cook or clean..does that mean he has a low bar for women?

I’m grateful if he does out and buys me flowers or pits the bins out every week. Does that mean I’ve set a low bar for men?

No!
It just means that I appreciate he has tried to do something nice.

frazzledasarock · 14/08/2021 21:44

@LadyTiredWinterBottom2

Well maybe he pays for half the shopping so thought he would buy things that he wants to eat for a change rather than being told.

He can't follow simple instructions...stop thinking for him then, he has a brain! If he was allowed to engage it at home maybe he would actually make better decisions....!

Stop being a martyr!!

The shop OP did for Monday’s delivery was done together with the H. They discussed and meal planned and placed the order together.

OP wasn’t controlling of the shopping. It was done together.

Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g · 14/08/2021 21:45

Those are nice things. Doing something that actually makes a lot more work when the OP thought the work was already done is not a nice thing. I find it odd that so many people can't see this.

TractorAndHeadphones · 14/08/2021 21:45

@mrstophamthis is one of the biggest mysteries in my boring life now : @lechatnoir please answer

snowspider · 14/08/2021 21:46

I am curious as to how the 'meal planning together' went. In the initial post the OP said she spent an hour doing the online shop. Later she said they did it together.

So how much input did he have? Or were his thoughts turned down on the grounds of too fancy, too expensive, too risky as kids wouldn't like it etc etc Both adults are paying for the food both have autonomy, but they need to sort out their differences and not let what is really a non problem blow out of proportion. Life is too short to row over some ingredients in a pasta salad and having plenty of food in the house.

mumofblueeyes · 14/08/2021 21:47

He went shopping and made the salad for the BBQ whilst you were busy at work. Surely that's a good thing?'n

Bookaholic73 · 14/08/2021 21:47

@Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g

Those are nice things. Doing something that actually makes a lot more work when the OP thought the work was already done is not a nice thing. I find it odd that so many people can't see this.
But is it really the end of the world though??

OPs DH has already pointed out a few times that OP is critical of everything, and she herself has admitted it too.
She needs to just bite her tongue and get past it.

Frugblie · 14/08/2021 21:47

@snowspider

I am curious as to how the 'meal planning together' went. In the initial post the OP said she spent an hour doing the online shop. Later she said they did it together.

So how much input did he have? Or were his thoughts turned down on the grounds of too fancy, too expensive, too risky as kids wouldn't like it etc etc Both adults are paying for the food both have autonomy, but they need to sort out their differences and not let what is really a non problem blow out of proportion. Life is too short to row over some ingredients in a pasta salad and having plenty of food in the house.

It was a drip feed for a start which kind of mitigates the original post about taking on doing the online order seemingly alone. But yes, I did wonder if it was a chance to actually buy food he wanted for once hah.
Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g · 14/08/2021 21:48

I suspect doing it together amounted to OP doing it and husband saying 'Mmm, yes, good idea' every so often without really listening.

TractorAndHeadphones · 14/08/2021 21:49

@Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g

Those are nice things. Doing something that actually makes a lot more work when the OP thought the work was already done is not a nice thing. I find it odd that so many people can't see this.
I wonder if the people who thinks it’s ‘nice’ would be happy if they’d done a presentation- passed it to a teammate to tidy up - and teammate decided to rewrite the entire thing…
grapewine · 14/08/2021 21:49

@ExtraOnions

If I were him I would be telling you to do your own shopping and cooking in future ….

So he’s done the shopping, put it away and then made pasta salad, and none of these are up to your standard. Are you this critical in the rest of your relationship, or just when it comes to food ?

All of this.
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