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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed DH did a big shop & made this meal?

414 replies

lechatnoir · 14/08/2021 19:55

I've been at an event all day with one of my dc and asked DH to get a few bits from the shops. I asked him just get the basics to tide us over until the food order comes on Monday evening plus gave him the ingredients needed for a specific pasta salad dish my friend asked me to make for her bbq tomorrow.

So first AIBU: to be annoyed he did a massive shop - cupboards & fridge are full so I'm going to have to cancel the order I spent a good hour doing last night and then faff around working out whether we've actually got any meals for the week in the £180 shop he did Angry

And 2nd AIBU: to be really pissed off he's made some other completely random pasta salad dish. It does sounds lovely BUT it is neither what was requested by me/the host and won't be touched by the kids which was the whole point of mine! I can't work out if he was doing it to save me a job (in which case I look like a bitch) or to show-off his cooking he is a keen amateur chef convinced he'll win master chef one day Hmm

DH is always saying he feels he can't say or do anything without me criticising so I really really don't want to moan but FFS how hard is it to just get what I asked!

So AIBU and a negative, moaning old nag who needs to let it go or AINBU and he's a knob who ignores instructions & requests,, goes off piste then gets cross when criticised.

OP posts:
Itreallytiedtheroomtogether · 14/08/2021 21:23

Handmaiden and rather typical male responses - not appreciating the mental workload, creating work rather than contributing to it...and then accusing the woman of nagging when they point this out. We are still stuck in the dark ages Confused

NannyAndJohn · 14/08/2021 21:23

Bin his salad, get him to make the one he was asked to.

It's deliberate. It's controlling.

lottiegarbanzo · 14/08/2021 21:24

I think MN has been steadily invaded by incel trolls in the last few years. All this 'be grateful', 'he's helping' and 'isn't he wonderful' shite. Ignore them OP.

JaspertheKitten · 14/08/2021 21:25

I think you have a valid reason to talk to him about it. His actions had negatives consequences for you. The way you are feeling is justified.

The problem is likely that the size of scrutiny he often receives is disproportionate to the size of the mistake.

It sounds like; even if his decision to make the pasta salad himself was ego-driven, his act intended to help you.

You can acknowledge his efforts, even show appreciation and explain how his rashness has negatively affected you.

Speaking from my personal experience. If he did all this without telling you first, he thought it would be a nice surprise and was looking forward to your reaction.

As long as you are considerate of his feelings, you have every right to give criticism.

Communication is key in every relationship, but sometimes it's the quality of the communication rather than the quantity of it.

SillyYak · 14/08/2021 21:25

@Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g

Can you rearrange the delivery date rather than cancel?
This ^^
Doodlebug71 · 14/08/2021 21:26

@Blossomtoes

Well, the hand maidens are out in force tonight!

Hardly. Just people who appreciate their spouse’s efforts. The quickest way to make sure someone stops pulling their weight is to criticise. In this house if either of us criticised like that the response would be “Fuck off and do it yourself then”.

"Fuck off and do it yourself" is the mark of someone who can't be arsed.

Washing up "done": bits of food welded to the crocks (my mother was expert at this) "do it yourself, then..." that and other examples: vacumming, laundry not clean. "Do it yourself, then" meant, "I can't be arsed.. you can do it." It's passing the buck to the other person. That's shit.

gogohm · 14/08/2021 21:27

Be grateful he cooks!

Blossomtoes · 14/08/2021 21:27

@Itreallytiedtheroomtogether

Handmaiden and rather typical male responses - not appreciating the mental workload, creating work rather than contributing to it...and then accusing the woman of nagging when they point this out. We are still stuck in the dark ages Confused
He’s taken the “mental workload”. If there’s not a week’s worth of meals in £180 worth of food there’s something badly wrong. She can push her food delivery back a week and save herself a job for next week and ask him to meal plan for this week.

In the meantime he’s made the pasta salad and saved her another job - how different can pasta salads be?

Theunamedcat · 14/08/2021 21:28

@Blossomtoes

Well, the hand maidens are out in force tonight!

Hardly. Just people who appreciate their spouse’s efforts. The quickest way to make sure someone stops pulling their weight is to criticise. In this house if either of us criticised like that the response would be “Fuck off and do it yourself then”.

Like he appreciated hers?
KarmaStar · 14/08/2021 21:28

Think you two don't communicate very well from reading your post.
Sit down and do the thing where whilst one of you holds a small item,key,stone,etc,the other person has to listen,not sit formulating a reply/rebuff/defence but completely listen,then take hold of the object and talk whilst partner listens.
Both of you here have been a bit unreasonable .Both it seems because neither of you actually thought about the other.

PurpleMustang · 14/08/2021 21:28

Surely its a lack of communication on both sides. He probably should of mentioned beforehand he was going to do a big shop, so you could discuss meals that need buying and that the pasta was for kids. Or as he has done it ask him what meals he has bought for. Assuming he had a plan rather than randomly bought stuff, before changingyour order. And he should of really called and said I was thinking of changing the pasta to this, who is it for?

NumberTheory · 14/08/2021 21:29

@Blossomtoes

Well, the hand maidens are out in force tonight!

Hardly. Just people who appreciate their spouse’s efforts. The quickest way to make sure someone stops pulling their weight is to criticise. In this house if either of us criticised like that the response would be “Fuck off and do it yourself then”.

She was planning on doing it herself.

The online shopping and the salad plans both included additional work - meal planning for the shopping and collaboration with the host for the salad. Things the husband has failed to do with his substitute efforts. His actions pretty clearly signal to the OP that he does not value her time and effort by riding roughshod over it. Why should OP be okay with that?

PlanDeRaccordement · 14/08/2021 21:29

I’d not be upset, cancelling an online shop takes 1/100th of the time it took you to write this bitchy post. If you criticise everything he does, eventually he will stop doing anything, then you’ll be on here bitching about your lazy man child....that you created.

Doodlebug71 · 14/08/2021 21:29

@lottiegarbanzo

I think MN has been steadily invaded by incel trolls in the last few years. All this 'be grateful', 'he's helping' and 'isn't he wonderful' shite. Ignore them OP.
This. Who *are these people? He's not wonderful. He couldn't follow simple instructions.
doitwithlove · 14/08/2021 21:29

I'd be very happy he had done a shop and put it away. That is a chore in itself

Make a version of your pasta for the kids at the bbq and cancel the food order

5128gap · 14/08/2021 21:31

Those people who think OP is in the wrong, if someone asked you to pick up a few things for them would you completely ignore their request and buy £180 of random stuff? If they asked you to buy ingredients for a meal would you instead make them a different meal?

rubbletrouble · 14/08/2021 21:32

You do sound like very hard work OP.
Just move your delivery slot. Save the shop and place it again for next week.
Take the pasta he made although it's not exactly the specific dish your friend requested, it's a pasta dish.
All seems very intense.

TractorAndHeadphones · 14/08/2021 21:32

I’m genuinely curious as to what was going through his head when he did a big shop - seeing as he watched you do it already! What’s his defence?

Also it’s not just this incident but probably a history of doing as he liked that would set me off.

MrsTophamHat · 14/08/2021 21:33

She can push her food delivery back a week and save herself a job for next week and ask him to meal plan for this week.

They did the food order together and discussed it. I can't fathom why he would go out and buy a full shop when he knew it was already coming. Basics to me is bread and milk, topping up supplies etc.

The pasta salad is annoying but the shopping is just bizarre.

Moutainwoman · 14/08/2021 21:33

Your dp sounds lovely !

NumberTheory · 14/08/2021 21:34

@PlanDeRaccordement

I’d not be upset, cancelling an online shop takes 1/100th of the time it took you to write this bitchy post. If you criticise everything he does, eventually he will stop doing anything, then you’ll be on here bitching about your lazy man child....that you created.
Cancelling the order isn’t the only thing that needs doing. OP has already said the big shop didn’t mirror the online order so now the meal planning they’ve done won’t work. They’ll need to meal plan again, taking into account what was bought and then, potentially, do another shop to make sure they have what they need for that.
Bookaholic73 · 14/08/2021 21:36

@NannyAndJohn

Bin his salad, get him to make the one he was asked to.

It's deliberate. It's controlling.

What the hell?

Doing a good shop and making pasta is controlling? Since when?

OnceUponAMidnightBeery · 14/08/2021 21:36

@Notlostjustexploring

I'm on your side here. This would do my head in. I would definitely declare that meal planning is his issue for the week.

And I'm sorry, but for every husband who complains about the fact nothing he can do is good enough there is usually a bloke who's just washed his jeans in with his wife's white tops and looks hurt when she's pissed off because "he was just trying to help".
I have no patience with incompetent, thoughtless men, and to be constantly
told to "be grateful, they're trying to help."
It shouldn't be "helping". Or "trying". It should be "just do it properly, without fanfare". "Properly" in this case being ensuring that his kids get fed, which doesn't like like he's considered that at all!

This! Good grief posters on here have a low bar sometimes.

OP has done all the wife work involved in meal planning and ordering the shopping for the week. He only needed to get a few bits. Instead he completely ignores this because ‘he knows best?’

He didn’t have to make any pasta salad, but rather than make the one OP actually requested he made a completely different one because ‘he knows best?’

He could have been actually helpful but instead has created more work for OP. Is he always a ‘he knows best’ type who ignores what actually NEEDS doing in favour of what he WANTS to do OP?

PlanDeRaccordement · 14/08/2021 21:36

@NumberTheory
Blah blah blah. Whose to say the DP didn’t meal plan when he did the big shop. Youre all assuming he bought £150 of beer and £30 of cheese puffs to spite the OP.

Are you often so controlling in your life? I suggest being a bit more flexible.

MzHz · 14/08/2021 21:37

What did he cook, vs what did guest want?

Who requests someone cook them something specific??!!

I’d style it out, tell guest that h made it specially … then smile sweetly as the chips fall as they may… 🙂😇