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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed DH did a big shop & made this meal?

414 replies

lechatnoir · 14/08/2021 19:55

I've been at an event all day with one of my dc and asked DH to get a few bits from the shops. I asked him just get the basics to tide us over until the food order comes on Monday evening plus gave him the ingredients needed for a specific pasta salad dish my friend asked me to make for her bbq tomorrow.

So first AIBU: to be annoyed he did a massive shop - cupboards & fridge are full so I'm going to have to cancel the order I spent a good hour doing last night and then faff around working out whether we've actually got any meals for the week in the £180 shop he did Angry

And 2nd AIBU: to be really pissed off he's made some other completely random pasta salad dish. It does sounds lovely BUT it is neither what was requested by me/the host and won't be touched by the kids which was the whole point of mine! I can't work out if he was doing it to save me a job (in which case I look like a bitch) or to show-off his cooking he is a keen amateur chef convinced he'll win master chef one day Hmm

DH is always saying he feels he can't say or do anything without me criticising so I really really don't want to moan but FFS how hard is it to just get what I asked!

So AIBU and a negative, moaning old nag who needs to let it go or AINBU and he's a knob who ignores instructions & requests,, goes off piste then gets cross when criticised.

OP posts:
gingercat81 · 14/08/2021 23:15

YABU- I would be super happy if my DH did that. I have the opposite problem where everything is always left to me. I would be over the moon if he took the initiative to do this and made the pasta salad too.

AnneLovesGilbert · 14/08/2021 23:18

@gingercat81

YABU- I would be super happy if my DH did that. I have the opposite problem where everything is always left to me. I would be over the moon if he took the initiative to do this and made the pasta salad too.
She’s NBU because you have low standards and have chosen to put up with a man who is lazy and doesn’t take an equal part in your life together.

He’s your problem, not other women expecting more from their husbands.

JaspertheKitten · 14/08/2021 23:20

No clue how so many people can read your post and from that conclude that your DH is a manipulating sociopath that intentionally does bad things to you to spite you. Last time I checked it's not uncommon for men (or any human being) to make mistakes. But reading these comments would have you believe that your man will go through the effort of doing a huge shop and making a meal with the sole intention of belittling you.

The world doesn't revolve around you and the people that love you don't have time in the day to spend so much effort competing with your ego.

SoftSheen · 14/08/2021 23:21

YABU

poppymaewrite · 14/08/2021 23:23

You might want to explain to him what the problem is with him doing a big shop. Maybe something like "thank you for doing the shop and buying nice things. But I asked for those things because of planned meals, and I need to take into account everyone's preferences and what the kids will/won't eat. So it would be really helpful if we stick to the shopping list in the future, because it otherwise makes things more difficult for me. And thanks for the pasta salad- it's (was?) lovely, but I wanted to make a cerayin salad for X reasons. Maybe if you want to cook in the future, we can plan a meal together and you can do the cooking".

Theunamedcat · 14/08/2021 23:25

@poppymaewrite

You might want to explain to him what the problem is with him doing a big shop. Maybe something like "thank you for doing the shop and buying nice things. But I asked for those things because of planned meals, and I need to take into account everyone's preferences and what the kids will/won't eat. So it would be really helpful if we stick to the shopping list in the future, because it otherwise makes things more difficult for me. And thanks for the pasta salad- it's (was?) lovely, but I wanted to make a cerayin salad for X reasons. Maybe if you want to cook in the future, we can plan a meal together and you can do the cooking".
They already do this meal plan and share the cooking
OnceUponAMidnightBeery · 14/08/2021 23:25

@Doodlebug71

"OP has done all the wife work involved in meal planning and ordering the shopping for the week. He only needed to get a few bits. Instead he completely ignores this because ‘he knows best?’"

Why is meal planning "wife work"? That's just adult work.

Exactly right, it should be.

Sorry, I should have just said ‘work’ or ‘planning’ or ‘mental load’. Or put it in quotation marks which was how I intended it.

I’m too quick to post in irritation sometimes, apologies.

CuddlyDudley71 · 14/08/2021 23:26

'He did his best'...fuck me.
He's an adult not a toddler.
His best was shit.

Unhomme · 14/08/2021 23:26

Gosh OP, you sound like hard work

Just say thanks DH andcritical count to ten next time you feel like saying something critical

MouseholeCat · 14/08/2021 23:27

YABU. He's just done things differently to how you would.

I'd love my DH to sort out either of these things- cooking and food shopping are his achilles heels.

Cancel your order, thank him for making the pasta salad, and ask him if he had any meals in mind from the shop.

OnceUponAMidnightBeery · 14/08/2021 23:31

@VladmirsPoutine

Do people really consider making and / or cancelling an online shopping order a 'job'?
Well it doesn’t do itself does it? Hmm

Meal planning for the week, making sure you order everything you need for each meal, checking what basic store cupboard staples you’ve run out of... it’s certainly a job here, maybe I’m doing it wrong!

toocold54 · 14/08/2021 23:34

'He did his best'...fuck me.
He's an adult not a toddler.
His best was shit.

Why was his best shit because he didn’t do exactly what OP instructed him to do?
Maybe what she does is usually shit so he decided to do a better job.

Terhou · 14/08/2021 23:36

If he's used to cooking, presumably he planned what he bought with specific meals in mind. Just ask him what his plans were and, indeed, ask him to do the cooking this week. Check with him whether he got the staples and, if he missed anything out, order it. Job done.

justjuggling · 14/08/2021 23:47

As a single parent I’d be thrilled to have someone do a big shop and make a pasta salad (even the ‘wrong’ one). It really doesn’t seem like something to get stressed about.

Ireolu · 14/08/2021 23:49

Sounds like the one I have at home. What to do huh...

CorianderBee · 14/08/2021 23:49

I'd be annoyed but I'd let it go if he feels over criticised. You have food and you have pasta salad - not the end of the world so let it go.

Even if secretly you're rolling your eyes

CorianderBee · 14/08/2021 23:52

@GeorgiaGirl52 God how incompetent is your husband that you think OP is incredibly lucky that her husband went to the shop, bought more than necessary and then made a dish incorrectly?

frazzledasarock · 14/08/2021 23:57

Seriously people can’t figure out that if OP’s friend asked OP for a cheese pasta salad and her husband made something with peppers and tuna and bits a fussy child wouldn’t eat, the host might be annoyed?

Why go off piste with food specifically requested by someone else?

Why?

And I’ll never be pathetically grateful for DH doing the shopping and omg putting it away all by himself. Until he starts worshipping me for running the dishwasher or hoovering all by myself🙄

OnceUponAMidnightBeery · 15/08/2021 00:11

Seriously, what? Is this a DM article with various sock puppets?Hmm If so I hope you quote me accurately instead of paraphrasing to suit your own twist on the ‘story’

If PPs are genuinely so grateful for their DPs ever doing anything remotely related to adulthood then I’m starting to understand the problem.

Meal plan was made. DH and DC both had input (but it was still OPs job) It’s not like they weren’t able to order what they needed/liked.

DH decided that rather than acknowledge the (previously agreed and suggested by him) plan, he’d just do whatever he wanted.

Leaving OP to fill in the gaps.

But ‘he tried to do a good thing’ Really? I hate to use an extremely sexist stereotype but if you volunteered to make the requested sandwiches for his cricket club (or whatever, DH plays cricket so that was the first example to come to mind. He makes his own sandwiches btw 😂) but you made BLTs instead of the specifically asked for cheese and pickle/cheese and tomato/ ploughman’s cheese sandwiches?

So now the vegetarians have nothing to eat, and he has to start again with not enough bread, lettuce, tomato, etc because you thought you knew better?

I realise this is an extreme example, but please!

Sewannoying · 15/08/2021 00:14

What is all this ‘you should be grateful’ bullshit?

My DH does the cooking and online shop. I know it takes effort and a while to do this, as he often does it while sat next to me on the sofa (as happened according to the OP). If I was asked to do a basic shop the day after and randomly did a massive shop, DH would be quite rightly pissed off at the wasted time and the hassle of extra meal planning for the week. It’s not controlling to expect the other adult to do something that helps the family, rather than add extra work.

I am very grateful that DH shoulders all the effort of keeping us fed, and if he asks me to do something to assist, I would make sure to follow his instructions. To do otherwise is disrespectful of the effort he makes.

And not all pasta salads are equal. I have more basic tastes (not unlike some children) and there are many types of pasta salad I would not eat. And if I was having a BBQ, I wouldn’t be too impressed if someone agreed to do a basic pasta salad for the fussy people/kids, and brought a more complex dish that fewer people would eat.

OnceUponAMidnightBeery · 15/08/2021 00:18

@Terhou

If he's used to cooking, presumably he planned what he bought with specific meals in mind. Just ask him what his plans were and, indeed, ask him to do the cooking this week. Check with him whether he got the staples and, if he missed anything out, order it. Job done.
Er, if he missed the staples by ignoring OPs plan he can order them/get his ass down the shop and buy them himself surely?
PickAChew · 15/08/2021 00:20

@Lovemusic33

I’m kind of jealous that you have a man who does the shopping and can cook 😬
I would be jealous if a man who would buy food and cook nutritious food that his family will eat.

Any idiot can throw £180.of random shit into a trolley with no idea how it would be used.

PickAChew · 15/08/2021 00:24

@Doodlebug71

"OP has done all the wife work involved in meal planning and ordering the shopping for the week. He only needed to get a few bits. Instead he completely ignores this because ‘he knows best?’"

Why is meal planning "wife work"? That's just adult work.

Adult work that the male adults often completely overlook.
OnceUponAMidnightBeery · 15/08/2021 00:28

Mind you, I may understand this a little too well. £180 in DHs hands may feed us for a week. Possibly.

I could make it last for at least a month/6 weeks by planning and doing a bulk monthly shop at the nearest Aldi rather than a daily top up in our local expensive as only supermarket in a high tourist area co-op.

RantyAunty · 15/08/2021 01:13

It wasn't quite what you wanted but so what?
It really isn't that big of a deal.

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