To think life is not worth living

[Omgthatssointeresting]

I know that sounds dramatic and don't worry I am not suicidal but I just cannot understand how people enjoy life.

Life has some positives but so many more negatives. I'm either working or too tired from working to do anything most days. It's such a relentless slog and I don't see the point in living if 90% of my life is doing things I don't want to do. And the other 10% is just ok.

I have an objectively good life - lovely partner, a.job that is better than most jobs out there, a wonderful dd, etc. And I hate my life. It's not intolerably awful it's just so repetitive with no enjoyment. I've been keeping track of whether I was happy that I woke up and lived that day and 47 days in a row now the answer is no. I wish I never even woke up. Nothing bad happened it's.just what is the point? What is the point in dealing with all the irritation and difficulty of everyday life?

I work so hard. Everyone does. Lots work even harder than me in tougher jobs. But for.what? To go.shppping on Saturday and to the dump on Sunday then try and recover for more work on Monday. Why? Why keep going?

It's insanity. To spend your whole life doing things you don't enjoy. I feel so guilty for bringing my daughter into this world. That one day she's going to have to do this. That when she's 29.she might also be counting down the years until she is 70 and can finally.retire. That maybe she too secretly hopes to get a serious illness or die in a car accident so that she can stop living without feeling guilty for abandoning her loved ones. I have to resist the desire to apologise for creating her life almost daily.

So I think there are 3 possible answers to why people bother to live their lives despite it making no sense to me.

1. They actually enjoy everyday life. I find this unbelievable. What is enjoyable about emptying bins, commutes to work, washing dishes, dealing with people in HR, etc. Most people don't enjoy their job either so I find this option implausible.

2. The good of special days make up for all that work. It would have to be 50x better than everyday life so again not likely.

3. People just bury their head in the sand. They delude themselves that their life is good and that they enjoy it and lie to themselves to keep themselves same. I think this must be what most people are doing.

So sorry for the long winded question. Basically, aibu to have this attitude and if so why? My dp says he is option 3.

Thanks for your insight.

I think what makes life worthwhile isn't 'the whole thing', it's the moments or occasionally longer than moment, like when you have a really amazing day out or a lovely evening.

I don't really think about the proportion of life I spend doing dull repetitive things to the proportion of the above as it doesn't seem helpful. I suppose it's finding the meaning in things that makes life meaningful.

But totally appreciate I have the privilege of having those lovely moments - many less materially fortunate people do not have that luxury.

@VladmirsPoutine

I see your point but what's the alternative? Death? We might as well make the most of our lot in life.

This.

peachgreen, good to hear you are finding joy in life.

I would be a 1
I really enjoy my job as a secondary science teacher. The kids are great, funny, interesting. I like planning good lessons for them, I am interested in continually improving my teaching.
I am a career changer though and have only been teaching for about 14 years.
I love my house, and enjoy gardening and chilling there, i love my hobbies and have a love hate relationship with running to keep fit and keep weight off.
I take great pleasure in my adult kids achievements ( and great sadness in their problems)
I do the bare minimum of housework but since we tidy up after ourselves it doesn’t take too long - bin emptying under 1 min, emptying dishwasher, both work together leas than 5 mins.
I suspect you are depressed OP, and really suggest you seek help, that is not a weakness

I'm probably (1) since I do enjoy my job, and have a loving husband who I can have lots of fun with.

Re enjoying my job, for me it's to do with feeling competent, taking pride in my work, and doing it with love, knowing that it will make life easier for people. I'm freelance, so genuinely happy clients always gives me pleasure.

All this said, feeling happy in life is not as easy as all that, even when the boxes are all ticked. I often feel trapped and gloomy, and stuck in repetitive cycles. This is, of course, because a lot of us ARE stuck in repetitive cycles, more than usual: I think the whole COVID/lockdown situation has been bleak and dreary and made a lot of us focus on our worries.

I haven't read the full thread but have you considered the possibility that you might be depressed OP? For what it is worth I am number 1 -a lot of my days are very long and very challenging, frequently completely exhausting to the point where I can't even speak! But I get a lot of pleasure out of a lot of things, small things probably. I have two beautiful children, I enjoy my work and the subject I am studying, I live in an area where there is a great sense of community and lots of little events in the village, We make the most of any available time to go to the beach or take the children nice places. I really enjoy cooking and gardening and feel very grateful for what I have.

I wouldn't say I find taking the bins out or washing up particularly depressing, I'm normally listening to something nice on the radio while I do this sort of thing, so just sort of zone out and focus on the nice bit…

You do sound depressed OP.

I totally hear you and agree OP. Mental gymnastics to make this life work, happily. Mental gymnastics I don’t really have the energy for.

I'm similar to you, OP. I cannot understand why or how people find life interesting or exciting.
I've been this way all my life and am completely pessimistic. When I had my daughter my first thought was 'great, now I'm obliged to get treatment if I get a life threatening illness'.

I'm absolutely shattered all the time. I barely sleep which makes me grumpier and more irritable every day. I despise pretty much everyone and find everything and everyone irritating.
The world is turning to shit and I'd be more than happy if it imploded tomorrow. My DP is also a miserable sod and thinks the same way I do.

My brother couldn't be more different. He's probably a 1 on your list. He's always laughing and joking and doesn't let anything get him down. He has had a much easier and less stressful life than I've had though.

I feel the same way. I've been having depression and one of my comforts is to do my front garden, but the neighbours opposite always come out and try to talk to me and she's very nosey and I can't talk to anyone. He was watching me one day, waiting to catch me so he could keep me there for ages talking at me. He got dh three days ago and the streetlight person last week (half an hour he had him) I can't do my gardening now and I just sit indoors wishing I was dead. I'm just sitting waiting for it to be over. I often wish I could get sick and die. All I want to do is my fucking garden and I can't. What's the point?

Perhaps some antidepressants might help you OP as it does sound like depression.

I’m 46 and have been thinking the same things recently. I have no children, and I’m thinkIn that I’m mad to be saving pensions etc. My idea is to cash everything in early and go travelling....really enjoy life for a bit. I want an equity release when older and spend that too. I just wish I could do it now.

@whataboutbob

I’m intrigued that you go to the dump every Sunday.

Yes, that intrigued me. I think I’ve been to the dump about three times in my life.

In general, though, I agree with @Wroxie’S post. Get help, OP. You don’t have to go on feeling like this.

I also want to add - I don't spend my free time in supermarkets or doing much cleaning. I do as little cleaning as I can get away with and do all my shopping online . We prioritise family / fun time at least one day a week.

I agree with you, there seems to be no point to anything. Why bother. Faith is my option. It helps a little, enough actually.

OP, I don't understand why your life is so dull. I would go mad too if I worked hard all week, only to do a supermarket run and go to the dump.

You sound horribly bored. Can you at least start making small changes?

One thing I read when I was fighting off depression is that you should plan 1-3 things each day to look forward to. These can be small things like a walk with a friend, a good coffee, a long bath etc. Then 1 slightly bigger thing each week to look forward to - that could be a day trip at the weekend, or inviting friends over, or going to a gig, show or comedy night etc. Then one even bigger thing each month - that might be a weekend away or a day at a festival or completing redecoration of a living space. And then one big thing every year. That might be a long holiday or a landmark achievement like passing an exam, buying a house, training for a completing a marathon etc.

There should always be something in the calendar every week, month and year that makes you think, 'Oh yes! Oh good! That's happening.'

Can you make a list of stuff you enjoy, used to enjoy or think you would enjoy? If you love a certain kind of music can you see if any bands you like are playing near you soon? Same with comedians. If you love any sitcoms can you apply for tickets to be in the studio audience?

Are there seasonal things you want your DC to experience? Anything from exploring rockpools and burying their dad in the sand to toasting marshmallows on a bonfire?

If you don't really enjoy your job, can you retrain? Or apply for similar roles which give you a bit more money or a shorter commute or fewer hours?

Life doesn't have to be a relentless slog. Even if work is dull, long hours, there are lots of tiny things we can do to increase the pleasure. I know people who take photos of the sunrise every morning on their commute and others who listen to great audio books. I'm not saying these are life changing. But small shifts towards greater enjoyment every day make a difference. Especially if you are stuck in a rut. You really deserve something more fun every weekend than a trip to the tip!

This is exactly how I've been feeling for the past year or so. You've articulated it really well. I dont look forward to anything, work is awful and weekends just same old swimming, coffee shop, park. I do think my friends and neighbours seem to plan a lot more at weekends but everything costs money in one way or another. The one thing I used to look forward to was ten days in France in the summer but that's gone tits up now. The only thing that's keeping me going is retirement.

I have become a bit of a hermit since covid and haven't had a fun night with my friends in so very long. I wonder if getting out there a bit again would help.

You have to make make your own positives in life. It's not supposed to be easy. You can make up your own special days/activities. Me and my boyfriend celebrate our monthiversaries (it doesn't have to be something big - a day out, a takeaway, a little gift ect.)

For me it helps to see housework and the like as serving a higher purpose. Doing these mundane things of every day life provide the stability and peace in the home where all other things can spring from. I view it as a gift to my family. I load the dishwasher so my kids can have clean plates to eat breakfast in the morning. Its not really a hardship its just a little mundane- but someone needs to do those things. I try and focus on being grateful for things. I can walk, see, smell, talk. I can enjoy nature with my senses. There are highs and lows but i suppose what keeps me going is my belief in God and an afterlife. I believe ill be rewarded for looking after my family and doing those dishes. I believe God has a purpose for us. Its all about your beliefs about life really. If you believe this life is all there is and its meaningless then it may seem pointless. I as a muslim believe life has a purpose and its a test to see who can do the best deeds and serve others for the glory of God.

A mixture of 1, 2, 3, 4, and 5...

Some parts of what I do I really enjoy, that includes feeling useful and valued, it includes doing things that I like doing, it includes some small tasks that I might dislike but give a sense of achievement.

There are days occasions, moments of delight which are highlights. They are great at the time and can be re-lived through photos, videos, memories, reminiscence...

Sometimes when things are shit, I just have to keep on going, so I ignore the awfulness and just do it (knowing that options 1, 2, 4, and 5 are part of the equation).

None of your above options. I also felt like that so quit my job and now do freelance 12 hours a week on two evenings. Life is better!

@Blue4YOU
Your post was so sad and brave, and made me realise how incredibly lucky I am.
I hope life treats you more kindly from now on.

I'm option 1.

There are boring or neutral parts of every day, sure. Do I enjoy taking the bins out - no. Do I enjoy being in debt, or being ill, or doing paperwork? Also no. But I do wake up every day grateful to be here and happy with the big and small good things.

When I'm doing housework I might not leaping with joy but I am happy I'm making our home nice. When I'm commuting down the M6 in the morning I might whinge about traffic but I also love the hour to myself with a podcast and a massive cup of tea. When I'm at work (I jointly run a business in a very very boring sector) I love my colleagues like family, I enjoy seeing them, I enjoy doing my job well, I like when I get a tiny win or something crossed off my list. When DH and I have to go to the tip, we enjoy feeling cleansed of all our rubbish and chucking it in the bins to see how loud we can make the noise and people watching to see what they're throwing away. When I have to wash my hair (worst job) I enjoy knowing I'll love clean hair feeling after. When I top my petrol up (also worst job) I am grateful to be able to afford to, grateful I have my car, grateful I have my freedom. When I walk to Tesco to buy toilet roll I'm not thinking about the mundane nature of it, I'm enjoying being outside in the fresh air.

I am almost pathetically happy and grateful for my small, ordinary life. There were times I didn't want to be here at all and now I take so, so much joy from the tiniest things because even though there's always something shit (and I have my own personal mountains of shit going on, trust me) there's so much good. I know this sounds wanky, promise me - 10 years ago I'd have told me to shut the fuck up and stop being such an idealist.

But I was depressed. Like you, I didn't see the point and it all felt like a crushing grind of years and years of stuff I didn't want. Your inability to take joy from anything is a classic symptom of depression - please, please go to your doctor. You never know, one day you might be as embarrassingly grateful for the tiny mundane things as I now am.

To be honest I love going to the dump, it gives me a real sense of satisfaction to get things cleared out of the house and garden.

I remember complaining about the stifling nature of work to my grandmother (who had lived through real poverty) and she asked me how else I was planning on keeping a roof over my head. On a basic level working is about survival.

I’m no. 1.

OP, you’re not entitled to have happiness handed to you, you have to seek it out.

For me, I love little things as well as big-

How my husband snuggles up to me when my alarm goes off in the morning, while I hit snooze.
The feeling of my lovely fluffy slippers as I slip my feet into them.
A good morning poo- can’t beat it.
The smell of my fancy shampoo and conditioner.
A little goodbye chat with my cat before I leave for work.
A chat with the barista in the coffee shop near work- he’s really cheerful.
First sip of my dirty chai.
The little greetings of work colleagues when everyone arrives in the morning.
A satisfying Excel formula (seriously- it’s the small things!)
The look of wonder on someone’s face when you can automate something for them and save them hours.
The look of pain on someone’s face when they realise they’ve been doing something manually for years when they could’ve asked you to automate it.
A little wander up town at lunchtime to see what’s new in the shops.
A lunchtime manicure.
The smell of nail oil.
Having a full nail salon loyalty card and getting the manicure for free.
Beautiful nails.
Pay day.
Really great bread.
Thinking about dinner.
Gardening.
Plants and bunches of flowers.
Stupid memes.
A favourite song that comes on when you’re in the supermarket.
Smiling at a random dog on the street and they smile back.
Getting home and lighting candles on an autumn night.
Bra removal time.
Open fires.
Gin.
Realising that you have three episodes of a favourite show recorded.
Finding a new series on Netflix and getting super into it.
A nice dinner.
Dishwashers.
A random Curly Wurly found at the back of the freezer.
Clean bedsheets.
Sex.
Grump cats playing with toy mice.
Cuddles.
Forehead kisses.
Finding a new book to read from a favourite author.
Falling asleep listening to a podcast.
Waking hours before your alarm and settling back in for another sleep.

Little punctuations of lovely things that make up life.

Every day when I wake up I feel disappointed. I don’t want to die but I’d rather just be asleep 😴