To think life is not worth living

[Omgthatssointeresting]

I know that sounds dramatic and don't worry I am not suicidal but I just cannot understand how people enjoy life.

Life has some positives but so many more negatives. I'm either working or too tired from working to do anything most days. It's such a relentless slog and I don't see the point in living if 90% of my life is doing things I don't want to do. And the other 10% is just ok.

I have an objectively good life - lovely partner, a.job that is better than most jobs out there, a wonderful dd, etc. And I hate my life. It's not intolerably awful it's just so repetitive with no enjoyment. I've been keeping track of whether I was happy that I woke up and lived that day and 47 days in a row now the answer is no. I wish I never even woke up. Nothing bad happened it's.just what is the point? What is the point in dealing with all the irritation and difficulty of everyday life?

I work so hard. Everyone does. Lots work even harder than me in tougher jobs. But for.what? To go.shppping on Saturday and to the dump on Sunday then try and recover for more work on Monday. Why? Why keep going?

It's insanity. To spend your whole life doing things you don't enjoy. I feel so guilty for bringing my daughter into this world. That one day she's going to have to do this. That when she's 29.she might also be counting down the years until she is 70 and can finally.retire. That maybe she too secretly hopes to get a serious illness or die in a car accident so that she can stop living without feeling guilty for abandoning her loved ones. I have to resist the desire to apologise for creating her life almost daily.

So I think there are 3 possible answers to why people bother to live their lives despite it making no sense to me.

1. They actually enjoy everyday life. I find this unbelievable. What is enjoyable about emptying bins, commutes to work, washing dishes, dealing with people in HR, etc. Most people don't enjoy their job either so I find this option implausible.

2. The good of special days make up for all that work. It would have to be 50x better than everyday life so again not likely.

3. People just bury their head in the sand. They delude themselves that their life is good and that they enjoy it and lie to themselves to keep themselves same. I think this must be what most people are doing.

So sorry for the long winded question. Basically, aibu to have this attitude and if so why? My dp says he is option 3.

Thanks for your insight.

I was in this position a few years ago. Life felt pointless. It was textbook midlife existential crisis.
I read a lot about happiness and the meaning of life, and I have slowly changed my life in light of what I learned.

I still have my moments though, with the utter futility of it all.

Job is ok one day, meh next, great next
Housework is fucking horrible any day😁
DH is ok to great
Commute is boring and buses are late so shit
But
I love my garden, my plants make me happy every day, bad days happen and they will be replaced by good day next, can't be arsed to cook one day because I am tired, absolutely love it next...

Life isn't just great or just horrible. There are elements of both. I am the type of person who is happy for small things. I get excited when my plant flowers and text pictures to nearly everyone I know with regular updates on flower progress (or new leaf)😂. I can also be in horrible mood next day when shit hits the fan. Such is life.

You sound depressed OP. My life is a bit of a slog. My DH is military and away from home a lot. My parents are both dead, I don't have family nearby and much of the time ALL the mundane stuff is down to me. Would it ever cross my mind to be unhappy that I'm alive. Not a chance. I am grateful every day for my lovely family. I do housework and feel glad when it's done as I love our home and I enjoy relaxing in it, which is easier when the dishwasher is on, the laundry is folded and I've hoovered the lounge. I enjoy my job because I like my colleagues and work is interesting and challenging.

I have days when I am thoroughly fed up and exhausted, but those days I have a glass of wine and an early night and the next day I'm back to my normal self.

It sounds to me like you know there are many good things in your life but you just can't appreciate them right now. I think ou should talk to your GP about how you are feeling.

@Aposterhasnoname

They actually enjoy everyday life. I find this unbelievable. What is enjoyable about emptying bins, commutes to work, washing dishes, dealing with people in HR, etc. Most people don't enjoy their job either so I find this option implausible

Emptying bins and washing dishes-the place looks nice afterwards, I love starting with a mess and cleaning it up, restoring order so it all looks and smells gorgeous. Cant imagine why anyone wouldn’t.

Commute to work, are you actually kidding me? best part of the day. Windows open in summer, or heating on full blast in winter, music on, flying(or even inching, both are fine) down the motorway singing at the top of my voice, love it.

Dealing with people in HR, not sure what you mean by this, but can’t see why it would be a problem, they’re just people doing a job like everyone else.

"Emptying bins and washing dishes-the place looks nice afterwards, I love starting with a mess and cleaning it up, restoring order so it all looks and smells gorgeous. Cant imagine why anyone wouldn’t."

I'd like to be able to do that, but I honestly find it difficult and overwhelming, and don't know where to start. Bins I'm ok with as that's straightforward. It's the rest of the cleaning and tidying that overwhelms me, then gets out of hand. It's the main drag on my spirits.

'They actually enjoy everyday life. I find this unbelievable. What is enjoyable about emptying bins, commutes to work, washing dishes, dealing with people in HR, etc. Most people don't enjoy their job either so I find this option implausible.'

Mine is this one but I also love the special occasions in life. I need a partner to also appreciate the special occasions in life but that's harder to find hence I'm single mum. I think your depressed or maybe just elitist - I could feel a touch of scorn and patronisation heading my way in me being stupid enough to appreciate Christmas, birthdays, spring, Halloween, summer, easter, valentines, autumn leaves, flowers...
I enjoy emptying bins because then the bin is empty.
I enjoy commuting to work because I love radio 2 and its me time.
I enjoy washing up because I individually like the action of cleaning the plate or glass and making it gleam and them putting it clean on the draining board.
I like the people I work with and like being friendly and passing the time of day with them inc HR
I probably prefer housework to my job (senior teacher). I love my lovely home to be freshly hoovered and I like the action of seeing the bits that are clean and the satisfaction of needing to do the bits left to clean knowing I'm just about to do it.

I love my job too.

Hmm. It's an interesting one.

Before DH died, he was my reason for living - every joy I had came from him, I looked forward to our evenings together every day etc etc. Everything else seemed a bit of a drudge to me, even, I hate to say it, looking after my daughter.

Then he died and I realised (once I'd got over being suicidal) that I was going to have to find some joy somewhere or I wasn't going to make it.

Now I try and do as many things as possible as fully as possible. By which I mean I don't just make an instant coffee and drink it at my desk, I take the time to make a filter coffee and drink it outside in the garden. If I have to walk to the shops I take the slightly longer route along by the seafront. When I'm reading books to DD, I really throw myself into it and do silly voices and make her laugh, which makes me laugh. When I swim I take 5 minutes to just float and enjoy the feeling of weightlessness. I wear nice lipstick every day. When I fold the clean laundry I bury my face in the sheets and inhale the scent. When I walk past an antique shop I go in and look around, rather than just look in the window, etc etc.

I'm not saying you should do these exact things as obviously they might not be things you enjoy! But honestly, as ridiculous and silly as it might sound, being more present and mindful about making the most of the small things has genuinely transformed my life.

I wish we had money to buy a big house with garden. I wish we didn’t have debts. But this is possible in two years time when we sell the property we are living in. We have 3 young children and life is great. We both work. We love spending time with our children, love cooking them fresh nice foods, love taking them out, love each other a lot and love how life has turned out. I don’t think too deeply about things that needs to be done, chores that needs to be done. We just do it. It’s automatically done, no thought given. We try and do the chores quickly and shared so we have more time with the kids.

However, housework is far worse when you're living with a man IMO

My home is now a lovely refuge and a joy, not a chore like it always was when with a man

I felt like you for a long time. I wouldn't have said I was depressed but certainly wasn't enjoying life and occassionally thought it would be a relief to not have to carry on waking up each day. Nothing wrong with my perfectly normal life and supportive partner. GP prescribed antidepressants and I thought I had nothing to loose. I started on a low dose but for the first 8-10 days I was as high as a kite every single time I took one. Once things settled down I was so much happier. Literally nothing else in my life changed. GP said I had really low levels of something, maybe dopamine, and tablets brought me up to a more normal level. Been on them as same low dose for 7 years. Tried to come off them twice but both times went back to feeling "what is the point" within 3 months.

Haven't RTFT, but if you are the way you have said and your DP is "option 3" then it sounds like your lives are very unhappy but it doesn't have to be this way at all.

There are lots of reasons people enjoy everyday life. I do very much so. I'm not saying that because I'm hurt or feel attacked, I'm saying it because I genuinely want you to know that it is possible, for your own sake

I had a period of clinical depression as a teenager and I felt a lot like you described. It wasn't sadness and fear and extreme emotion (that's my anxiety lol), it's just... emptiness. Pointlessness. Listlessness. No desire to carry on but a bland acceptance of the fact that you kind of have to. I would wake up just in time for school, go through the motions I previously went through as a happy girl as best as I could, then come home and slide into bed. Rinse repeat.

I have anxiety still but I would take my anxiety a thousand times magnified over that emptiness. And I want you to know, at that time in my life I could not see a possibility of ever feeling happy again too.

But I did recover, and I am very happy. I have an incredibly twee and cringe appreciation in the most mundane aspects of life, and now I am a mother that has only expanded. Yes there is drudgery, and housework, and work, but I love it. I listen to audiobooks or music or podcasts that I enjoy when I'm doing the drudgery. I go out into nature and I get excited about life, and planning things. I get excited about having a girly bubble bath, plucking my eyebrows and doing skincare while watching youtube. I cried with happiness yesterday starting to plan Christmas and imagining how lovely it ill be to see my baby's face when he sees the fuss.

You really can get through this OP. Even if it takes leaving your husband. Even if it takes realising that you're not straight and you had no idea your deep unhappiness is rooted in living a lie. Even if you are like I was, clinically depressed with not a damn shred of serotonin in your poor brain.

You deserve to live your life in happiness. Whatever that means for you, you can have it. A trickle of effort like filling out an online self referral form for mental health support.

www.nhs.uk/mental-health/nhs-voluntary-charity-services/nhs-services/how-to-access-mental-health-services/

I believe in brighter days for you.

@VladmirsPoutine

I see your point but what's the alternative? Death? We might as well make the most of our lot in life.

This.

I veer between clearly seeing what you see and option 3 when I decide it is too depressing

I've always had the tendency to think "what's the point ?" but when I was younger certain things did give me moments of joy. If say I haven't had a moment of pure unadulterated joy in about 25 years and in the last 10-15 years very few moments of genuine excitement or enjoyment . But as I keep telling myself however shite life can be, it is usually (though admittedly not always ) better than the alternative

Op. Would you consider seeing a doctor and discussing your mental health? Help is available. You don’t need to feel like this.

For me, it’s number one. I enjoy my job, I love my husband and daughter and love being with them, I have great friends and like seeing them or even just our silly text convos. I do have a cleaner, but don’t mind loading or unloading the dishwasher or doing laundry, my husband ans I split it equally, I have my shopping delivered as I find I don’t want to spend my sat morning doing that.

Maybe also you need to do more in your evenings and weekends? Supermarket and the dump sounds miserable. Maybe try to put some fun things in your life to? Things to look forward to?

OP, I know exactly what you mean.

I feel like at 50 years old I've completely painted myself into a corner.

So-so relationship, DC aged 9, mortgage, never really enough money, a job that really I should love and appreciate- I can't think of a better employer or a role I would rather do...and yet it's all a bit shit isn't it? .

Every decision I make, and every life choice we make as a family seems to extinguish another bit of light .

I realise it's all about perspective though, and I reckon many of us in this world at the moment seem to need a helping to get through 'life' .

Tell you what though, I wish I'd have stayed single. I think I would draw a lot of happiness these days by not being beholden or responsible for anyone but myself.

MONEY...while reading with interest this word just came to me.

I wonder how many of our worries, concerns and despair would be something completely different if money wasn't an object.
They say that even bad health and inevitable death is always better under wealthy surroundings.
The only thing you cant buy is time I guess.
Sorry maybe is not that simple but I personally think money helps massively for a further effect on happiness. Or not?

1. I get so much joy out of small things every day

I think I'm between a 1 and a 2. I don't see life as 'peaks and troughs' as you seem to, expecting 'good' days to be absolutely amazing to make up for the misery of everyday life. I see it more as a sliding scale, so 0 is the starting point, just average, not good or bad. Then you have -1 to -10 where -1 is an unpleasant but normal chore like putting the bins out, -3 could be having a shit day at work, to -10 where a close friend or family member dies. Something really awful.
On the other end of the scale you have +1 to +10. 1 is something tiny you can take pleasure from, like having a good night's sleep or laughing at a joke or getting a new book to read. 4-7, for me, could be doing a fun activity like paddleboarding or having a great meal out with friends with lots of jokes and good food. 10 would be something extraordinary, like falling in love or buying your dream house or having an amazing holiday. Like -10s can bring you down for a long time, +10s don't happen often, but when they do can make life seem wonderful for a time.

Most of the time life is just average. But if all it takes is finishing work half an hour early and sitting in the sun with a beer to make the day a +3 then usually I finish on a plus, even if it's not exactly a 'high.' You just have to find enough things that give you pleasure so that most days are baseline neutral, with opportunities to take some happiness where you can.

You mentioned housework, for example. I don't enjoy it, although I know some people do. But if I put some good music on (or a good show on the tv for the ironing) and blast through it for half an hour I can take it from minus to neutral, and then the satisfaction when it's done brings it up to a (small!) plus.

There is also nothing at all wrong with taking anti depressants to help you manage the lows and climb up to an even keel.

I love my son and every day he makes me so deeply happy. I like my job and the people I work with. I do v little house work as cleaner comes regularly.

@OneGlamMama

I'm option 4 - which is where I think you are OP.

Exhausted by everything.
Guilty for bringing children into this world that is on its way out.
Depressed by the monotonous tone of everyday life.
No "get up and go" anymore.
I don't even have special days. Just special moments in the inevitable shitty days.

This is exactly how I feel.

Only difference is I have a glimmer of guilty guilty hope of leaving my marriage soon and having a renewed zest for life and to escape my boring, lonely, loveless marriage and useless husband.

I like my life.

I enjoy my job, I have a lovely walk in the countryside with the dogs every morning, don't mind work, do hobbies a couple of nights a week but also enjoy a bit of gardening/ reading in the garden or by the fire in the evening. We do nice things at the weekend or house DIY.

I don't love dishwashing or emptying bins but I find domestic life quite comforting.

I work at a vets , i love my job and my team are like a family , it is both physically and mentally tiring , emotional , sometimes difficult clients but ultimately very rewarding.
I am not really that well paid but i knew that at the beginning.
I don't have much spare cash at the end of the month but i have a family and a husband who i love.
My life is similar to your description and i am frequently too knackered to do much when not working , but despite the shit and bad things in life there is so much wonder .
I know it sounds corny but go and stand outside on a starry night and just take it all in , or a huge full moon ,sit in the sun outside and just live in that moment feeling the heat soak into your skin.
There is so much i can't do due to finances but there are still so many simple pleasures in life -money irrelevant- that can bring pleasure to any day.
Of course none of us know what we have coming round the corner but not everything to come is going to be a bad thing.
Also i think pretty much everyone has the same thoughts as you sometimes and the covid situation has knocked the stuffing out of a lot of us too.

I can relate to this. I used to enjoy life when I was younger but that was because my expectations for the future were high, I thought I was on route to great things and higher heights so I was excited with anticipation. I don't mean I thought I was going to be a movie star or anything just I thought getting a good job/financial freedom/travelling the world/having children would all be wonderful things and they've all been a bit meh to be honest!

I find life has been a bit of a let down. I do the nice days out, the weekend breaks, the nice get togethers with family blah blah it's all so samey after a while isn't it? I remember being in Vietnam in my twenties, having what was supposed to be the "time of my life" and thinking - god this is dull and obviously feeling like a complete arsehole because there was poverty right in front of my eyes. I think I felt ashamed of that really, like western ideals are so vacuous and pointless here I am like a dick backpacking in a developing country just for some novelty. Ugh.

I volunteered for a while before I had DC and that does give a sense of perspective and purpose but it also made me even more jaded by the end because the women I was working with were going through such shit times in situations they rarely escaped from and it just seemed it's all such a pointless waste of time. Nihilistic I know, but there you go!

I'm number 1. Wouldn't say I love my job but it's only 9-5 and I work from home so can get house stuff done in between work stuff. Means that after work hours I can make the most of my time with dh, dd and dog. I definitely have genuinely happy times every day, walking the dog in the park, chatting with my daughter about her interests, cuddling up on the couch and watching a film, glass of wine with DH. Doesn't mean my life is all sunshine and lollipops but I choose to focus on and appreciate the good bits of every day.

I know this isn't the main point but why are you going to the dump every weekend?
Go to the beach, go to a park, a walk in the woods, spend time with your family enjoying each other rather than waking up each day thinking this is shit.

Sorry but you seem quite mopey over things you could change but haven't. Order your online shop to be delivered on a Thursday or Friday evening rather than go to the supermarket on Saturday, book something to do over the weekend instead.
If your job is not making you happy, then find a new one that you enjoy. I know that's harder but you could look for another job, talk to your partner about finances etc to see if could work.

You can't carry on like this but equally only you can change it.

I don't work now as was on mat leave then got made redundant during covid but I absolutely loved my job as a dispatch manager for a factory, it was fast paced craziness and stressful sometimes but I loved it because of the people I worked with and I was bloody good at it, I knew it inside out, back to front. I had a good social life inside and outside of work. We had weekends away, day trips and sometimes plain old comfy days on the sofa watching films.
No one has a completely happy life every single day as that's not life, sleepless nights, sick kids, ill health etc but you really need to shake things up here or speak to your GP or both.

Well I think a lot of people are option 3 which is why humans overindulge be it spending, drinking or eating etc.

I quite like my life but life in general is very monotonous & dc exacerbate that. What helps; I like my job & really like my colleagues, a cleaner (can't stand chores), holidays & days out.

Can you afford a cleaner? Sorry not being facetious - genuine suggestion.
Also I think you sound depressed, maybe therapy would help?