To think life is not worth living

[Omgthatssointeresting]

I know that sounds dramatic and don't worry I am not suicidal but I just cannot understand how people enjoy life.

Life has some positives but so many more negatives. I'm either working or too tired from working to do anything most days. It's such a relentless slog and I don't see the point in living if 90% of my life is doing things I don't want to do. And the other 10% is just ok.

I have an objectively good life - lovely partner, a.job that is better than most jobs out there, a wonderful dd, etc. And I hate my life. It's not intolerably awful it's just so repetitive with no enjoyment. I've been keeping track of whether I was happy that I woke up and lived that day and 47 days in a row now the answer is no. I wish I never even woke up. Nothing bad happened it's.just what is the point? What is the point in dealing with all the irritation and difficulty of everyday life?

I work so hard. Everyone does. Lots work even harder than me in tougher jobs. But for.what? To go.shppping on Saturday and to the dump on Sunday then try and recover for more work on Monday. Why? Why keep going?

It's insanity. To spend your whole life doing things you don't enjoy. I feel so guilty for bringing my daughter into this world. That one day she's going to have to do this. That when she's 29.she might also be counting down the years until she is 70 and can finally.retire. That maybe she too secretly hopes to get a serious illness or die in a car accident so that she can stop living without feeling guilty for abandoning her loved ones. I have to resist the desire to apologise for creating her life almost daily.

So I think there are 3 possible answers to why people bother to live their lives despite it making no sense to me.

1. They actually enjoy everyday life. I find this unbelievable. What is enjoyable about emptying bins, commutes to work, washing dishes, dealing with people in HR, etc. Most people don't enjoy their job either so I find this option implausible.

2. The good of special days make up for all that work. It would have to be 50x better than everyday life so again not likely.

3. People just bury their head in the sand. They delude themselves that their life is good and that they enjoy it and lie to themselves to keep themselves same. I think this must be what most people are doing.

So sorry for the long winded question. Basically, aibu to have this attitude and if so why? My dp says he is option 3.

Thanks for your insight.

Cross post rocinante on the joys of a tip run!

The trick is to find things in everyday life to enjoy. I thoroughly enjoy getting up in the morning because I love that first cup of coffee and planning the day ahead

I think your list misses a crucial option:

People who work at making every day life enjoyable by finding joy in the small stuff. I love my morning routine of feeding the birds, brewing fresh coffee, doing a bit of yoga.

I make emptying the dishwasher fun by doing a few squats or lunges or single leg deadlifts as I do it, with my favourite music in the background. I don't enjoy housework but I do love nice scents so I put geranium oil in the hoover bag, and use almond scented floor cleaner and lavender beeswax polish, then buy fresh flowers and pot plants to make the clean, tidy room look alive. When I'm cleaning I focus on using different muscles so that it's a bit of a workout. Because...why not? Why not find ways to make the dull stuff fun with loud upbeat music, good smells and physical workout?

I try to do that a lot. I listen for birdsong when I walk to the station, or stare at the clouds. I bring a good book to read on the train. Etc. Small things create the texture of every day. You have to pay attention to them and give them value in your life. Pay attention to all the tiny things that increase your happiness and pleasure and sense of worth.

Horses, dogs, food, sports, books, music - I'll put up with any amount of emptying the bins, hoovering, shovelling shit or tedious life admin for the good things in life. The stuff I really hate (mowing the goddamn lawn for one) I try to automate where possible, or do it as infrequently as I can. I could be happier - fewer worries, more money, lifestyle changes - but I can't control those for the most part, so I focus on the things I can do that make me happy, and I do those as much as I can.

@Donotgogentle

Cross post rocinante on the joys of a tip run!

It makes me so happy 🤣 freeing up space, making big banging noises... it might be simple pleasures for simple minds but I love it haha!

Also, I got a very beautiful vintage mirror last time I was there because I sprinted 100ft (didn't know I had it in me) to stop a man throwing it away and just breathlessly went "NO!!!!!!... I'll have it, please don't throw it away, do you want any money?". And he just looked at me like I was an insane woman and gingerly handed it over hahaha... now that was a good day.

You sound depressed.

Life isn't absurd; not appreciating it is absurd, which is why it's a feature of a diagnosable psych disorder.

Some of the things I enjoyed today:

• sex
• a long, intense conversation with my husband about incels and the Taliban
• light-as-air homemade cheesecake (inspired by a thread on here from yesterday)
• singing to Alexa at the top of my voice while I chopped veg
• stroking the cat
• sitting down with a coffee x 5
• hearing my middle child laughing with his friends
• seeing my youngest tidy up after himself
• a witty youtube video about violence and the Qur'an ...

There are so many things to enjoy, but you won't feel pleasure in them while you're depressed.

Oh and one more thing. It is indeed exceptionally difficult to ‘enjoy the small stuff’ if you have grinding, awful problems in your life… financial hardship, caring responsibilities, insecure housing, addiction, severe ill health etc. So if any of these things apply to you, it’s ok to be gentle with yourself and trust that with tiny steps things can improve somewhat.

@Omgthatssointeresting I am so sorry you feel this way, because I genuinely don’t believe it should feel like this.

Sometimes, when I ruminate and overthink, I can begin to question everything. But, I have so much to be grateful for, so much to keep me going and I subconsciously set myself goals to achieve and they are for me and me alone. This keeps me grounded, in check.

Yes, at times the sleep, work, eat, repeat can be mundane, I struggle with November and January, I hate getting sick, I worry about all kinds of stuff. But, I live in ‘hope’, humans need ‘hope’ and ‘purpose’. OP, I feel that you need to do some self-evaluation to understand what is making you feel so unfulfilled. Then you need to make some changes; they could be simple and small or they could be massive and life changing. Either way, contentment and happiness is important, you owe it to you to find that. I firmly believe that we are responsible for our own destiny’s, no-one else can be responsible for that

It's a 1 for me too. I have a wonderful life. Fabulous friends, husband and family. I enjoy my job. I do lots of things outside work, and enjoy lots of holidays.

Also, this may sound a bit metaphysical and woo but even if you believe life has no point or meaning, so what? In that case, it's just even more reason to damn well enjoy yourself.

And further to this, I think an important thing is to realise that joy does not have to be hedonistic it its source. I don't particularly enjoy house work but it is mentally cathartic to me to be in a nice environment and brings me happiness. Having 3 young children is hard work and involves a lot of actively not enjoyable stuff but there is no reason to not gain fullfilment and pride and satisfaction in knowing you are bringing joy to someone else.

I think a lot of this stuff really comes down to outlook and values. I am a naturally happy person but this nature has been forged by instances of true unhappiness. It helps to examine yourself as objectively as possible when you are struggling with any thoughts or feelings.

Are you doing and spending on enough enjoyable activities in your life?

I'm really over generalising here, but most people I know who have decent salaried jobs seem to try and save way too much money unnecessarily to the detriment of their own life enjoyment for the sake of the future.

If you can afford to accept having much less money for the long term things people tend to save for - ie, accept that you'll live ok on a state pension, not pay towards your kid's uni costs, not own a house outright), I'd say do it. Go part time at work. Or, if you do get some enjoyment of your job but feel completely knackered at the end of the day, spend any extra money you have on things to ease the dreary activities- get a cleaner/ironing lady/a moderately expensive hobby/babysitters/fitness classes/spur of the moment weekend holidays, etc.

Maybe you're overdue going a bit 'Ferris Bueller' on it

3 3 3 3 3 3 I am just literally done.......OP completely understand your post.......dragged myself up...fab job...girls through private school...great husband...just done, too tired, done

I can honestly see where you're coming from op, I do believe that you are depressed though, which is why I get you.

I really enjoy my job, I'm a teaching assistant, I love working with children, seeing them progress, the money is shit, lots of pressure from SLT. I love my family, my DH and I have a great relationship, been together 25 years, three teens, youngest is very hard work, asd, either very clingy or hates me, no calm mode.
Life is tiring, often I think what's the point, but the small things I enjoy. For instance reading a book, sitting in the garden, playing cards with the kids. I hate housework, could easily spend most of my time cleaning and washing clothes; clothes have to get done, chuck the dishes in the washer, but unless the place is really untidy I will clean maybe once a week. What's the point, the kids make it a mess straight away.

By the way up until about 4 years ago I would have said 100% a 1

@Omgthatssointeresting

I am really interested in what people enjoy about their job? Most people dislike their job - this is a research based fact. And by enjoy I don't mean 'it makes me feel important' or 'im making a difference' but specific things.ypi do each day that you look forward to. Perhaps I should focus on these. Also if.yoi don't.mind mentioning your job title too. Thanks

I work in a call centre and for years felt like you do. Then I started volunteering. Breast feeding peer supporter.

I enjoy waking up and looking forward to it. It feels like I've got purpose and I can see the difference it makes to people.

Nothing changes if nothing changes. You need to be that change.

@Whadda

I’m no. 1.

OP, you’re not entitled to have happiness handed to you, you have to seek it out.

For me, I love little things as well as big-

How my husband snuggles up to me when my alarm goes off in the morning, while I hit snooze.
The feeling of my lovely fluffy slippers as I slip my feet into them.
A good morning poo- can’t beat it.
The smell of my fancy shampoo and conditioner.
A little goodbye chat with my cat before I leave for work.
A chat with the barista in the coffee shop near work- he’s really cheerful.
First sip of my dirty chai.
The little greetings of work colleagues when everyone arrives in the morning.
A satisfying Excel formula (seriously- it’s the small things!)
The look of wonder on someone’s face when you can automate something for them and save them hours.
The look of pain on someone’s face when they realise they’ve been doing something manually for years when they could’ve asked you to automate it.
A little wander up town at lunchtime to see what’s new in the shops.
A lunchtime manicure.
The smell of nail oil.
Having a full nail salon loyalty card and getting the manicure for free.
Beautiful nails.
Pay day.
Really great bread.
Thinking about dinner.
Gardening.
Plants and bunches of flowers.
Stupid memes.
A favourite song that comes on when you’re in the supermarket.
Smiling at a random dog on the street and they smile back.
Getting home and lighting candles on an autumn night.
Bra removal time.
Open fires.
Gin.
Realising that you have three episodes of a favourite show recorded.
Finding a new series on Netflix and getting super into it.
A nice dinner.
Dishwashers.
A random Curly Wurly found at the back of the freezer.
Clean bedsheets.
Sex.
Grump cats playing with toy mice.
Cuddles.
Forehead kisses.
Finding a new book to read from a favourite author.
Falling asleep listening to a podcast.
Waking hours before your alarm and settling back in for another sleep.

Little punctuations of lovely things that make up life.

Lovely ! These are the kind of things that really do make life worth living , really simple things.

@robotcollision

I think your list misses a crucial option:

People who work at making every day life enjoyable by finding joy in the small stuff. I love my morning routine of feeding the birds, brewing fresh coffee, doing a bit of yoga.

I make emptying the dishwasher fun by doing a few squats or lunges or single leg deadlifts as I do it, with my favourite music in the background. I don't enjoy housework but I do love nice scents so I put geranium oil in the hoover bag, and use almond scented floor cleaner and lavender beeswax polish, then buy fresh flowers and pot plants to make the clean, tidy room look alive. When I'm cleaning I focus on using different muscles so that it's a bit of a workout. Because...why not? Why not find ways to make the dull stuff fun with loud upbeat music, good smells and physical workout?

I try to do that a lot. I listen for birdsong when I walk to the station, or stare at the clouds. I bring a good book to read on the train. Etc. Small things create the texture of every day. You have to pay attention to them and give them value in your life. Pay attention to all the tiny things that increase your happiness and pleasure and sense of worth.

This is such a good post.

I feel 1 during the hols (teacher) but am mostly a 2. I do know where you're coming from with 3 and even 4 in my darker moments.

I don't think the media has helped - continual articles on SM about how noone wants to go back to life and work as before. I think those of us who have been working throughout don't have these thoughts.

I figured when I was in my early 20s that I would only take jobs which I would enjoy and ignore the money side of things. If I earnt enough great, but if I had to live cheaply then I could and would. I very much enjoyed my life. I spent the days doing work I enjoyed, then had evening classes and hobbies in the evenings, and a bit of socialising at the weekend. I'm a massive bookworm too, so that can fill a whole evening, even a whole weekend if I've come across a few really good books.

Thusly I really enjoyed my life which was filled with variety; sure, there are shit sides to every job but mostly I loved working and mostly I wasn't on the breadline or anywhere near it.

@Omgthatssointeresting

I know that sounds dramatic and don't worry I am not suicidal but I just cannot understand how people enjoy life.

Life has some positives but so many more negatives. I'm either working or too tired from working to do anything most days. It's such a relentless slog and I don't see the point in living if 90% of my life is doing things I don't want to do. And the other 10% is just ok.

I have an objectively good life - lovely partner, a.job that is better than most jobs out there, a wonderful dd, etc. And I hate my life. It's not intolerably awful it's just so repetitive with no enjoyment. I've been keeping track of whether I was happy that I woke up and lived that day and 47 days in a row now the answer is no. I wish I never even woke up. Nothing bad happened it's.just what is the point? What is the point in dealing with all the irritation and difficulty of everyday life?

I work so hard. Everyone does. Lots work even harder than me in tougher jobs. But for.what? To go.shppping on Saturday and to the dump on Sunday then try and recover for more work on Monday. Why? Why keep going?

It's insanity. To spend your whole life doing things you don't enjoy. I feel so guilty for bringing my daughter into this world. That one day she's going to have to do this. That when she's 29.she might also be counting down the years until she is 70 and can finally.retire. That maybe she too secretly hopes to get a serious illness or die in a car accident so that she can stop living without feeling guilty for abandoning her loved ones. I have to resist the desire to apologise for creating her life almost daily.

So I think there are 3 possible answers to why people bother to live their lives despite it making no sense to me.

1. They actually enjoy everyday life. I find this unbelievable. What is enjoyable about emptying bins, commutes to work, washing dishes, dealing with people in HR, etc. Most people don't enjoy their job either so I find this option implausible.

2. The good of special days make up for all that work. It would have to be 50x better than everyday life so again not likely.

3. People just bury their head in the sand. They delude themselves that their life is good and that they enjoy it and lie to themselves to keep themselves same. I think this must be what most people are doing.

So sorry for the long winded question. Basically, aibu to have this attitude and if so why? My dp says he is option 3.

Thanks for your insight.

So you love your partner and your daughter, but hate your job that you describe as "better than most" and your DP feels the same - good to see you're both on the same page, even if it's a dismal one.

So you're lucky. You have choices.

1. You can continue as you are and end up defeated, miserable, resentful. You may infect your daughter with the same mindset and see the cycle continue or you might alienate her which will give you more reason to be unhappy.

1. You can sit down with your partner and work out what your priorities are. Is it money, prestige, status, material goods, time (that rarest treasure)? If it is then knuckle down, grit your teeth, hate your lives until you've achieved your goals and hope you've got enough time left to recover.

1. Figure out what will make you actually happy - either as a couple or separately. Talk about your passions, what you dreamt about as a child, what excites you. If the answer is 'nothing' then see 1 or 2 above. If the answer is live on a desert island, create beautiful things, make a difference, be remembered then grab your courage in both hands.

Your choice.

I also secretly hope to die in a car crash or serious illness. I couldn't commit suicide, knowing how it would plague my family, but if it was an accident I feel they could move on eventually, and I would be relieved of all the stress and worry.

Today I got excited about a football match that I didn't expect to enjoy, went for a walk in a cool new place, heard an excellent song on the radio and booked to go horse riding (haven't been in 10 years), talked to my sister and just finished a brilliant book and I am happy out. Change something op, start a hobby, call someone you haven't talked to. I know it's not easy but just do something. (I know that sounds awful)

I'm option 1. I enjoy my job as a countryside warden.
The little things in life make me happy and I'm quite easily pleased.
Chores are relentless but we do the bare minimum to keep everything reasonably presentable. I usually stick on music or a podcast when doing a boring household job and it's not so bad.
Could you cut down your hours to get a better work life balance? I know it's not possible for everyone but it might help if you can afford it.

For anyone who is living a life of quiet despair:

The Journey

One day you finally knew
what you had to do, and began,
though the voices around you
kept shouting
their bad advice—
though the whole house
began to tremble
and you felt the old tug
at your ankles.
"Mend my life!"
each voice cried.
But you didn't stop.
You knew what you had to do,
though the wind pried
with its stiff fingers
at the very foundations,
though their melancholy
was terrible.
It was already late
enough, and a wild night,
and the road full of fallen
branches and stones.
But little by little,
as you left their voices behind,
the stars began to burn
through the sheets of clouds,
and there was a new voice
which you slowly
recognized as your own,
that kept you company
as you strode deeper and deeper
into the world,
determined to do
the only thing you could do—
determined to save
the only life you could save.

Mary Oliver

And more, here:

anthonywilsonpoetry.com/2011/06/07/lifesaving-poems-2/

OP I could have written this post and have posted similar things in the past. I totally one hundred percent agree with you.

Life is toss and anyone denying is a liar but putting on brave face as there's no alternative.

It's utter shit. What is the point as you say in so many things?

Looking forward to reading responses and hoping for solutions (I know there are none though sadly!)

I don't think it's about the job or the chores. I think that the difference is that people feel well within themselves, and they feel content as a baseline. So when they go to work/do the commute/do the dishes, they stay at their baseline. Most people don't really deviate from their baseline unless something quite bad happens. If you're baseline, though, is that you don't feel content, then you're not going to feel happy going about life. From what I've read, if I were you I would look at the possibility that you have clinical depression. Expressing suicidal ideation and not having an interest in anything is a classic sign. I hope you find peace soon xx