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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Treated like an alcoholic by midwife?

736 replies

MyMabel · 14/08/2021 17:45

Anyone else been in this situation?

Ok our telephone consultation appointment I was asked how much I drink prior to finding out I was pregnant - I said (honestly) I had about one or two gins every night, the occasion glass or two of wine instead. Couldn’t tell them in units as I have no idea.

I was never drunk, never drank until DP was home as we have a toddler DD so wanted to make sure if anything happened one of us can drive, plus I wouldn’t drink while solely responsible for her. - again, never drunk or even dizzy. Just a glass or two while watching telly before bed. I suppose with COVID and all I was just bored?

Anyway, was asked if I drank since finding out- said no, because I haven’t.

Come to my face to face appointment; Midwife explains that due to my alcohol intake before being pregnant I’ve been referred to speak to someone. I was in a bit of shock to ask questions and just said ok. But after I left I felt mortally embarrassed and now a bit worried they think I’ve got a drinking problem?!

Maybe I’m not BU in the sense that they could perhaps help someone who struggled with alcohol by doing this routinely.. but AIBU to think I really don’t need to speak to someone regarding what I drank in the evenings?

Did I really drink THAT much too much? I get it was too much and probably not healthy for my body.. but I don’t think it’s that bad?!

OP posts:
BillieSpain · 14/08/2021 19:27

Actually, thinking about it, I'd politely cancel.

Belladonna12 · 14/08/2021 19:28

@toocold54

Drinking 2 gins every night is way over the recommended amount and as you said it was regularly it may have come across like you are dependent on it.

If I wasn’t watching my calories/sugar intake I would 100% happily have 2 gins a night and not have an alcohol dependency issue. But they are just doing their job making sure you have the right support if you need it.

OP said one or two gins. She may well measure the amount. It isn't way over the recommended amount at all.
IsItWorthTheHassle · 14/08/2021 19:29

@B1rthis

Did your midwife gain your consent before making the referral? Did she explain what details she forwarded of YOURS or just that you're a raving alcoholic in her medical opinion? Did you clarify who else she shared your details with? For example your DD is under the age of 6 so a health visiting team may receive a copy of the referral about you. Do they feel that your child that you're carying for is at risk of neglect and want to look into removal/social care interventions at birth? These would be the best questions to be asking as you've declared that you drink spirits daily.
If someone was suspecting abuse on a child and contacted SS, would you consider that unacceptable because they didn’t give consent? What about if you express suicidal thoughts, should a GP or MW wait until they have your consent and check all the things you’ve mentioned?

That sort of information is given to relevant people because they care of your well-being and the one of the child

MouseholeCat · 14/08/2021 19:29

You absolutely don't need to take the referral, but I do think it's worth reflecting on the fact that your alcohol consumption met certain risk criteria.

That doesn't mean that you are an alcoholic by any means, but it can mean that you are more vulnerable to future alcohol health-related concerns or alcohol dependency.

I'm one of those maligned posters who thinks that alcohol dependency and problematic drinking is normalised in the UK, and I do think nightly (or close to nightly) drinking is not normal.

RoseAndGeranium · 14/08/2021 19:31

Maybe someone’s already said this, but I don’t think it’s all that much. I suspect, though, that they assume a bit of strategic under-reporting on the part of people who do have a bit of an issue and respond by referring anyone whose drinking sounds a bit borderline. And fair enough — a lot would depend on how big your measures of gin were and whether your wine glasses are demure 125 ml numbers or 350 ml buckets.

MoorGirl · 14/08/2021 19:32

Give the girl a break, I really don't think your intake is that bad!

GallowwayGirl88 · 14/08/2021 19:33

Drinking every night should definitely not be considered “normal”. Given that the vast majority of people under estimate how much they drink and have little understanding how much is an actual unit of alcohol the midwife wouldn’t be doing her job properly if she didn’t refer you.

OP - for all she knows you didn’t find out you were pregnant till 7 weeks and kept drinking every day until that point. Which would be a reason to be concerned.

Allycott · 14/08/2021 19:33

@Mybalconyiscracking

Two glasses every night is too much, you know that.
So just don't drink for six and then treat yourself to oba bender 😁
BillieSpain · 14/08/2021 19:35

@MoorGirl

Give the girl a break, I really don't think your intake is that bad!
It's the same as mine during lockdown.
WildBluebell · 14/08/2021 19:37

Did I really drink THAT much too much?

Yes.

BertramLacey · 14/08/2021 19:37

See it as a wake up call that alcoholism is actually pretty easy to fall into and reduce the frequency you drink.

This. I've seen people go from drinking a little bit each day, to a fair bit, to a lot, every day. It is far easier to stop or cut down before you really become dependent than once you are. MN is a really odd place to discuss alcohol consumption though. As soon as you start, lots of people bob up to say 'you can't talk about alcohol on here people call you an alcoholic if you sniff sherry at Christmas.' Fact is, drinking every day can become problematic. It is normalised, but that's not a good thing.

Allycott · 14/08/2021 19:37

@Eviethyme

To me I'd say anymore then 1 night a week drinking is too much. I would accept a glass or 2 every Friday or Saturday for example or even both if not getting drunk but no more than those 2 nights unless special occasions
I bet it's an absolute blast in your household
veeeeh · 14/08/2021 19:39

@MurielSpriggs

Women have all these rules to obey don't they?

To be fair men have "rules" about alcohol too. I suspect men are more likely to disregard interfering busybodies though!

Are they interviewed by the MW to see if they are abstaining for nine months of their partner's pregnancy, and are they asked about their drinking habits, and are they referred or reported on in case their care of the baby when it arrives might be impaired due to pre pregnancy alcohol intake?

Not that I know of. Takes two to tango.

Frugblie · 14/08/2021 19:40

If its like here they run a service that's run by specialist midwives, that's probably what the referral was relating to? They also do them for weight, if above x BMI it's offered as standard, but nothing negative happens if you decline. I suspect you've just hit the trigger point for referral rather than having any concerns in particular, and they wouldn't have to consent to sharing the info if it is indeed part of the antenatal care. It is excessive to drink daily, but as you say you've stopped it seems its no longer an issue so meh.

IncyWincyGrownUp · 14/08/2021 19:40

She is being pragmatic. I don’t know anybody who actually measure spirits at home. The chances of two gins being two gins you’d get at the pub is very minimal, which puts consumption at a high level.

lannistunut · 14/08/2021 19:41

I think if it was two gins every night, that would be too much and too regular.

I used to drink plenty, once I gave it up I realised how much. Whatever you drink feels 'normal' I think, but clearly lot sof people in the UK are drinking far more than they should.

TheKeatingFive · 14/08/2021 19:41

MN is notoriously hardline on drinking. Take a lot of these comments with a pinch of salt.

As you’ve now stopped because of pregnancy, I don’t see the issue. I’d decline the appointment.

Mscarna · 14/08/2021 19:41

Check you've not got someone else's notes attached to your medical record. My friend had a problem with this. They kept asking her every gp appt, how's the drinking going and she couldn't fathom why. Turned out someone else's medical notes were mixed up with hers.

melmos · 14/08/2021 19:41

Hick!

PurpleVerbena · 14/08/2021 19:41

What absolute rubbish. My mother's generation drank most days (she loved a gin and vermouth!) - we were all born and now in our 60s - no harm done! Talk about a nanny state - if you want to drink gin, drink gin.

Beeth0ven · 14/08/2021 19:43

@ComDummings

It’s weird on here, so many people get defensive about alcohol intake - there are posts on here already. Drinking every night or almost every night doesn’t mean alcoholic, no but it’s not good or healthy. It’s not normal for most people either. So I think it was the fact you said every night that maybe triggered off the referral to speak to someone. I wouldn’t worry about it OP, you’ve stopped drinking, you know you don’t have a problem. You don’t have to engage with any medical appointments that you don’t want either.
Out of interest - how do you know what is normal for most people? Do you have data on this?
Paint69 · 14/08/2021 19:44

Yes I think that's excessive. I agree with others that the every day phrase makes it sound like you are dependent on it even if you're not.

lannistunut · 14/08/2021 19:44

@PurpleVerbena

What absolute rubbish. My mother's generation drank most days (she loved a gin and vermouth!) - we were all born and now in our 60s - no harm done! Talk about a nanny state - if you want to drink gin, drink gin.
Many babies had/have mild damage due to alcohol consumption during pregnancy, it is not full-blown foetal alcohol syndrome or nothing.
Higgeldypiggeldy35 · 14/08/2021 19:44

2 gins is 2 units and 2 wines (175ml) is nearly 5 units so having that every night equals or exceeds the recommended 14 units/week. She doesn't know whether you intend to drink that level again in pregnancy or after. It does indicate 'problem' drinking and she has to think about a baby being born into a 'potentially' unsafe home with alcoholic parents. They have to have a cut off somewhere whether they offer more help to prevent this. Just explain you're not (hopefully) planning to drink like that when baby is here and you weren't aware of the health risks. Unlikely anything more will come of it. But it is harmful to health to drink that much. Plenty of people do as you can see from the thread which sort of normalises it but it is harmful regardless.

TonkaTrucker · 14/08/2021 19:44

I get it was too much and probably not healthy for my body.. but I don’t think it’s that bad?!

This is a scrambled mess of a sentence. So you know it's too much and damaging your body (which is where your unborn child will be developing, inside your body) but you don't think it was ok for the midwife to see if you needed help reducing that? Even if you don't and it's not needed, for the sake of unborn children who have no control over the environment they develop in, you don't think midwives should be offering help just in case?