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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Treated like an alcoholic by midwife?

736 replies

MyMabel · 14/08/2021 17:45

Anyone else been in this situation?

Ok our telephone consultation appointment I was asked how much I drink prior to finding out I was pregnant - I said (honestly) I had about one or two gins every night, the occasion glass or two of wine instead. Couldn’t tell them in units as I have no idea.

I was never drunk, never drank until DP was home as we have a toddler DD so wanted to make sure if anything happened one of us can drive, plus I wouldn’t drink while solely responsible for her. - again, never drunk or even dizzy. Just a glass or two while watching telly before bed. I suppose with COVID and all I was just bored?

Anyway, was asked if I drank since finding out- said no, because I haven’t.

Come to my face to face appointment; Midwife explains that due to my alcohol intake before being pregnant I’ve been referred to speak to someone. I was in a bit of shock to ask questions and just said ok. But after I left I felt mortally embarrassed and now a bit worried they think I’ve got a drinking problem?!

Maybe I’m not BU in the sense that they could perhaps help someone who struggled with alcohol by doing this routinely.. but AIBU to think I really don’t need to speak to someone regarding what I drank in the evenings?

Did I really drink THAT much too much? I get it was too much and probably not healthy for my body.. but I don’t think it’s that bad?!

OP posts:
Beline4u · 16/08/2021 20:20

From her perspective its considered 'low dependency' with risk. Regardless, you are probably drinking too much every night even if you're not feeling the effects, it's the unknown damage it could possibly be doing.
Why have you changed your amount because you've been referred? It's a good thing that the midwife has brought it to your attention. Now you can be more aware of your drinking and find a more healthy approach to unwind.

Monday26July · 16/08/2021 20:32

@Blossomtoes

Maybe next time you’re at a meeting you could listen to the other attendees who were functioning alcoholics and drank a certain amount each night and didn’t find it impossible to stop each time

You won’t find many alcoholics attending AA meetings like that. @doris9034 is right, most who have reached the point of reaching out to AA drank until there was no more alcohol left or they passed out.

Doris’ point wasn’t about the type of drinking she sees in AA. She was making a global (and incorrect) statement about what defines an alcoholic.
Blossomtoes · 16/08/2021 20:36

Doris’ point wasn’t about the type of drinking she sees in AA

Yours was, though.

Monday26July · 16/08/2021 20:36

[quote Supergirl1958]@Monday26July

Alcoholism is an addiction, an addiction is not knowing when to stop!

I like chocolate, cake, food...I know when to stop but I eat them all excessively. Does that make me a chocoholic/cakeoholic/foodoholic? No!

Don’t judge everybody by your pretentious opinions and try to make out that they are wrong, just because they don’t happen to agree with you[/quote]
Again, that’s certainly alcoholism. But so is drinking regularly, being dependent on it, while being able to stop at a certain limit. It’s a myth that alcoholism necessarily means you start drinking and don’t stop until you pass out. Your incorrect framing completely excludes the many alcoholics who drink daily but stop at four pints or whatever because that’s the amount they need to get drunk, but isn’t so much they can’t function the next day. Are you honesty not familiar with the concept of a functional alcoholic?

Are you really okay sharing a view that means the person who drinks six gins per night, never more, can sit there and tell themselves it isn’t a dependency because they don’t drink more than that? Have you met alcoholics who say ‘I’m not an alcoholic, it’s only one bottle each night’?

I genuinely fail to see why pointing this out is being pretentious, but you do you. Just don’t expect not to be challenged.

Monday26July · 16/08/2021 20:38

@Blossomtoes

Doris’ point wasn’t about the type of drinking she sees in AA

Yours was, though.

Because she said she knew what she was talking about because she’s in AA. I was responding to that. Do read the rest of the comments and try keep up.
Blossomtoes · 16/08/2021 20:40

I have. Don’t be so rude, it’s entirely unnecessary.

badg3r · 16/08/2021 20:48

I think the real reason you got referred was that you told the truth. Yeah it's more than you should be drinking but also if you were necking half a bottle of wine and a couple of fine every night, you'd maybe be inclined to skip mentioning the wine. They probably want to check that you weren't minimising. Congratulations on the pregnancy!!

badg3r · 16/08/2021 20:51

Also the fact it was a telephone conversation would have made it harder for her to read your body language when she asked the question and harder to tell if you were trying to minimise.

Supergirl1958 · 16/08/2021 21:03

@Blossomtoes

I have. Don’t be so rude, it’s entirely unnecessary.
@Monday26July is definitely being quite rude!

I’m just going to say this..I am very aware of the term functioning alcoholic, but being in keeping with the thread, which I have been doing, the OP makes it explicit they have one/two most nights, sometimes 2-3 nights a week, sometimes most nights a week. They doesn’t make them an alcoholic, functional or otherwise!!! It makes them someone who enjoys a treat if an evening!

I go back to my point, having read your OPINION, that it’s an addiction and not knowing when to stop! Just like gambling, or any other addiction!

I’m going to stop talking to you on the matter now, because it’s quite clear that you have to be one of those people who always has to be right!

DingDongThongs · 16/08/2021 21:06

A gin every night is a problem.

Macncheeseballs · 16/08/2021 21:12

I know at least a couple of elderly and happy people who drink a gin or a whisky every night

Reallyreallyborednow · 16/08/2021 21:17

I know at least a couple of elderly and happy people who smoke a pack of 10 cigarettes every night

Anecdotes are not data.

Reallyreallyborednow · 16/08/2021 21:24

I go back to my point, having read your OPINION, that it’s an addiction and not knowing when to stop! Just like gambling, or any other addiction!

Yep, but with alcohol many people don’t realise they don’t know when to stop, or they think they can stop, they are just choosing not to.

That’s why alcohol addiction is so hard to acknowledge. That and the fact that what may be addiction in one, is not in another.

Like we see here, one or two drinks may be fine. The drinker thinks they are fine, after all, one or two drinks is normal. They could not have those drinks tonight, easy. But they enjoy it, and it’s only a couple of drinks, where’s the harm?

So they don’t stop.

Supergirl1958 · 16/08/2021 21:28

@Reallyreallyborednow

I go back to my point, having read your OPINION, that it’s an addiction and not knowing when to stop! Just like gambling, or any other addiction!

Yep, but with alcohol many people don’t realise they don’t know when to stop, or they think they can stop, they are just choosing not to.

That’s why alcohol addiction is so hard to acknowledge. That and the fact that what may be addiction in one, is not in another.

Like we see here, one or two drinks may be fine. The drinker thinks they are fine, after all, one or two drinks is normal. They could not have those drinks tonight, easy. But they enjoy it, and it’s only a couple of drinks, where’s the harm?

So they don’t stop.

But the same could be said of gambling, or eating chocolate or any other addiction.

The original discussion surrounds the OP, who does know and has stopped! So I really feel as though discussion around alcoholism (in her case) is a moot point!

Supergirl1958 · 16/08/2021 21:29

@DingDongThongs

A gin every night is a problem.
In YOUR opinion!
Beline4u · 16/08/2021 21:51

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

Supergirl1958 · 16/08/2021 22:10

[quote Beline4u]@Supergirl1958 You're annoying!!! And seem to be on a power trip to prove a point or "be right" (projecting much)

Alcoholism means something different to to the person experiencing it. You're generalising an alcoholic "...addiction is not knowing when to stop!" Right here shows your lack of understanding and willingness to box addictions.[/quote]
In your opinion!

To be honest, I don’t care whether you think I’m annoying, my parents always taught me if you didn’t have anything nice to say then don’t say it at all! Calling me annoying is downright cruel!! I’m not trying to prove I’m right by any stretch of the imagination, but the amount of generalising to alcoholism that comes from someone having a couple of drinks of an evening (and not every evening) needs addressing!!

I have a good awareness of alcoholism, and addiction thankyou very much!

Beline4u · 16/08/2021 22:23

Ofcourse you do, that's why you identify a person with an addiction by "knowing when to stop". Awareness is great! Maybe expand your education around it.

AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 16/08/2021 22:41

I suppose it comes down to the question of if you’re using it as a crutch.
If you had a very stressful day and got home to find there was no gin in the house, could you find other ways to relax and enjoy the evening or would you head straight to the shop to restock?
I think that’s where you know if you’re dependent on those couple of gins per night.
I don’t think they necessarily mean you have a problem but it’s a very slippery slope and drinking every night is certainly tempting that descent.

MurielSpriggs · 17/08/2021 01:00

In my view everyone posting on this thread has a problem.

If you admit that you have a problem, there you are: you have a problem.

If you don't admit you have a problem and start arguing about it you're in denial, which is proof that you have problem.

(If you ask me what problem I'm talking about, that's very defensive, and clear evidence that you've got a serious problem.)

NotMyCat · 17/08/2021 01:14

I think it's best to have a couple of nights without alcohol but if you've just stopped then it's fine
I ended a relationship over alcohol because he drank every single night, I was always the driver and when I asked him to do a night without alcohol he couldn't. Next guy was the same. Neither thought they had an issue but I think there's a lot of people out there like that. First guy drank a bottle of wine a night or 4-6 cans and that was every single night without fail

I don't drink at home but I'm not a complete tee total, I just drink a lot when I go out Grin

Supergirl1958 · 17/08/2021 07:12

@Beline4u

Ofcourse you do, that's why you identify a person with an addiction by "knowing when to stop". Awareness is great! Maybe expand your education around it.
I haven’t once identified anyone with an addiction as knowing when to stop!!! If you read my posts properly!!! I explain that people with an addiction don’t know when to stop! That’s the whole umbrella of addiction and not just alcoholism!! I’m talking gambling...the lot! Of course there are other factors around it, but I generally don’t think the OP is an alcoholic as has been suggested by many on this post! We are getting into a really weird area whereby we are now discussing alcoholism, when that’s not what this post is about! Some people are being really rude and generalising people as being ‘dependant’ on alcohol when that’s not necessarily the case! May I also remind you that...just because my opinion differs to yours, it does not mean I need to ‘expand my education’ thanks very much!

I’d like you to leave me alone now. If you must stay on the thread please reference others! Enjoy your day!!

AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 17/08/2021 07:16

@Supergirl1958
How is it rude to discuss dependence on alcohol and how is discussion of alcoholism a “weird area”?
It’s the main point of the thread.

Supergirl1958 · 17/08/2021 07:36

[quote AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken]@Supergirl1958
How is it rude to discuss dependence on alcohol and how is discussion of alcoholism a “weird area”?
It’s the main point of the thread.[/quote]
The main point of the thread is actually whether the OP warranted being referred...which in mine and others opinions, she didn’t! And in some others...she did!

I wasn’t saying it’s rude to debate that...I was referencing another poster, who was in fact being rude and dismissive of others opinions! Hope that clarifies it for you :)

NotMyselfWithoutCoffee · 17/08/2021 07:36

I don't think the midwife was wrong to refer.
Bear in mind drinking affects breastfeeding and they may have concerns about drinking every night after the baby was born.