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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Treated like an alcoholic by midwife?

736 replies

MyMabel · 14/08/2021 17:45

Anyone else been in this situation?

Ok our telephone consultation appointment I was asked how much I drink prior to finding out I was pregnant - I said (honestly) I had about one or two gins every night, the occasion glass or two of wine instead. Couldn’t tell them in units as I have no idea.

I was never drunk, never drank until DP was home as we have a toddler DD so wanted to make sure if anything happened one of us can drive, plus I wouldn’t drink while solely responsible for her. - again, never drunk or even dizzy. Just a glass or two while watching telly before bed. I suppose with COVID and all I was just bored?

Anyway, was asked if I drank since finding out- said no, because I haven’t.

Come to my face to face appointment; Midwife explains that due to my alcohol intake before being pregnant I’ve been referred to speak to someone. I was in a bit of shock to ask questions and just said ok. But after I left I felt mortally embarrassed and now a bit worried they think I’ve got a drinking problem?!

Maybe I’m not BU in the sense that they could perhaps help someone who struggled with alcohol by doing this routinely.. but AIBU to think I really don’t need to speak to someone regarding what I drank in the evenings?

Did I really drink THAT much too much? I get it was too much and probably not healthy for my body.. but I don’t think it’s that bad?!

OP posts:
Miisty · 15/08/2021 18:22

Also she might be worried about the long term effects on the baby foetal alcohol syndrome Maybe she could have handled it more sensitivity but in these difficult times it is hard good luck with your pregnancy

ohthestruggles · 15/08/2021 18:27

@Boredmotherofone I'm afraid your idea of a functioning alcoholic is complete horse shit. My dad is a functioning alcoholic, to other people he seems to have it together. He has a full time job, is able to FUNCTION as part of society but has had numerous failed attempts at giving up alcohol, cannot control cravings and hides his drinking. The OP is not a functioning alcoholic ffs.

AuroraSophia · 15/08/2021 18:28

I definitely think that is too much and I like a drink. If you have it just sat and watching telly in the evenings does that mean you need it to wind down? And do you NEED it?

BillyWhozz · 15/08/2021 18:29

You're drinking too much. End of.

Whenigrowupiwanttobea · 15/08/2021 18:30

Fetal Alcohol Syndrome is on the rise. All these people on here slagging off the NHS and Midwives. The Midwife was just doing her job and doing a risk assessment! As for "ignoring the midwife"... don't bother seeing her at all then but don't complain about not receiving adequate care or moaning that something wrong with the pregnancy or foetus was not picked up!!!!

Ohsotirednurse · 15/08/2021 18:31

2 glasses of wine is 4 units- as a nurse I’ve nursed patients admitted with a Stroke - I’m not judging of course I’m not but folks may not think they drink excessively x

Mollymoostoo · 15/08/2021 18:40

@FOJN

Did she tell you who you were being referred to and for what purpose? I doubt attending an appointment with whoever you've been referred to is compulsory so you could just decline if you don't want to go.
I agree, you can't be forced to talk to someone. I don't think anyone is in a position to give advice here or to judge. I have a qualifier (Alanon speak for alcoholic) and they drink 3 bottles of wine a night. If you feel you want to talk to someone, please do, but AA and Alanon are very clear that unless the drinker feels they have an issue, nothing will change so the midwife referring you without your consent was not really helpful anyway (IF you are indeed on the scale of needing help).

Wishing you the best with your pregnancy.

mussymummy · 15/08/2021 18:40

Oh ffs sake ignore the pearl wearing curtain twitching mumsneters who never drink and don't have a clue about real life and how most folk have survived the past 18 months. Most folk I know have increased their alcohol intake to bloody well cope and to the pearl clutchers I ain't talking about downing a litre of cheap vodka every night just a glass or two, no more than that.
You stopped drinking when you needed to and thats all that counts so ignore that judgemental "I may have a wee sherry every Christmas " twats and don't feel bad, you did nothing wrong, you were doing what you could to survive the most awful fucking year in our lives x

Mollymoostoo · 15/08/2021 18:42

[quote ohthestruggles]@Boredmotherofone I'm afraid your idea of a functioning alcoholic is complete horse shit. My dad is a functioning alcoholic, to other people he seems to have it together. He has a full time job, is able to FUNCTION as part of society but has had numerous failed attempts at giving up alcohol, cannot control cravings and hides his drinking. The OP is not a functioning alcoholic ffs. [/quote]
I am so with you on this. People who live with or have an alcoholic in their life will know that they would not even post this OP because they KNOW they don't have a problem.
One day at a time x

Belladonna12 · 15/08/2021 18:42

@Whenigrowupiwanttobea

Fetal Alcohol Syndrome is on the rise. All these people on here slagging off the NHS and Midwives. The Midwife was just doing her job and doing a risk assessment! As for "ignoring the midwife"... don't bother seeing her at all then but don't complain about not receiving adequate care or moaning that something wrong with the pregnancy or foetus was not picked up!!!!
Read the OP properly. OP hasn't drunk alcohol while pregnant so there is no danger of FAS so what has it got to do with the midwife?
tarnishehalo · 15/08/2021 18:51

@mussymummy

Oh ffs sake ignore the pearl wearing curtain twitching mumsneters who never drink and don't have a clue about real life and how most folk have survived the past 18 months. Most folk I know have increased their alcohol intake to bloody well cope and to the pearl clutchers I ain't talking about downing a litre of cheap vodka every night just a glass or two, no more than that. You stopped drinking when you needed to and thats all that counts so ignore that judgemental "I may have a wee sherry every Christmas " twats and don't feel bad, you did nothing wrong, you were doing what you could to survive the most awful fucking year in our lives x
Like it!
MidsummerMimi · 15/08/2021 18:55

I drink one small bottle of wine once a week.It is just enough to fill a regular wine glass.It is about 12% or 13% alcohol.Bottle contains 250ml.
Up until recently, I would have considered this to be one unit and if asked for medical reasons, I used to confidentiality say “ one unit a week”.
However, I noticed recently that the label on the back of the bottle, says the bottle contains 3.3 units.
This was way more than I realised.
I guess what I am trying to say is home measures can be way more generous than you think.
You may think that two glasses of gin or wine 6 nights a week is 12 units per week.
The reality is, it could easily be 36 units.
This would certainly be condensed excessive.

mnmumak · 15/08/2021 18:57

Read the OP properly. OP hasn't drunk alcohol while pregnant so there is no danger of FAS so what has it got to do with the midwife?

@Belladonna12

A proportion of women who were daily drinkers before pregnancy will struggle to stop, which may mean support is required to ensure the wellbeing of baby and help mum to manage her drinking. Midwife isn’t able to predict the future or know whether OP is being entirely truthful so she’s referring on for support in the knowledge that some women who meet the referral threshold will need it. They don’t just make this stuff up on the spot, daily drinking prior to conception is a risk factor for continued alcohol use during pregnancy which may lead to FAS.

Yourbinstinks · 15/08/2021 18:58

I think through covid many people increased their alcohol intake - I know I certainly did and my mum did too. I have 2 toddlers and whilst nursery (and everything else) was closed, it came as a stress relief once they had gone to bed.
I’m sure your midwife is just ticking boxes. Next time you go and explain that you haven’t had a drink since being pregnant she will drop it. Good luck with the pregnancy Flowers

Livinthedream84 · 15/08/2021 19:07

Unfortunately people who rely on a drink don’t always tell the truth when they say they’ve stopped. The OP was drinking way too much and the midwife only has her word for it that she’s stopped. She is just doing her job and offering any help that maybe available. No doubt she’ll be given a leaflet in responsible drinking and that will be the end of it.

Btw I’m not saying the OP is lying but many people do.

tarnishehalo · 15/08/2021 19:11

Cheers! 🍷

Nanny29 · 15/08/2021 19:15

Oh my god. I’m shocked by some people’s reactions on here! If we’re talking about one measure of gin a night every night then that’s 14 units a week-‘the recommended weekly limit’. Personally I think the government pulls these numbers out of their backside!
Most people who comment on this thread will either drink very little or nothing at all because it feels good to have the moral high ground.

Personally, I applaud you first being able to stop at just one or two a night. It doesn’t sounds like you have a problem at all.
My grandad had drank a shot or two whisky every night for 50 years and he is 94!!

tarnishehalo · 15/08/2021 19:22

My auntie is 91 and she has had a glass of Sanatogen every night for over 40 years, all her numbers are good. 😊

monotonousmum · 15/08/2021 19:23

My parents usually drink wine/beer every night with dinner (and after). I thought this was totally normal.
I drank a lot pre kids. Binge drinking mostly, but I was living on my own and definitely has alcohol free nights every week - though probably not many.
My husband doesn't often drink during the week, and treats me as a bit of an alcoholic if I was to have a glass of wine with dinner - even if it's once every couple of weeks!!
But unless we have a wedding/event etc (very rare now) I almost never hit 14 units a week. I can't believe how much I was drinking, or how often. And I don't think I'd want my kids thinking a drink every night was normal.

That said, given that you've stopped drinking during pregnancy I do find the referral a bit odd. Is there any change the mw misunderstood and thought that's what you're drinking NOW?

ClareBlue · 15/08/2021 19:25

They have a criteria for referral, you know you have stopped whilst pregnant, you tell them this. That's it.
Was pre pregnancy drinking too high? Possibly, but you stopped when you had to and you can not change it now. That's it.

tarnishehalo · 15/08/2021 19:27

@monotonousmum

My parents usually drink wine/beer every night with dinner (and after). I thought this was totally normal. I drank a lot pre kids. Binge drinking mostly, but I was living on my own and definitely has alcohol free nights every week - though probably not many. My husband doesn't often drink during the week, and treats me as a bit of an alcoholic if I was to have a glass of wine with dinner - even if it's once every couple of weeks!! But unless we have a wedding/event etc (very rare now) I almost never hit 14 units a week. I can't believe how much I was drinking, or how often. And I don't think I'd want my kids thinking a drink every night was normal.

That said, given that you've stopped drinking during pregnancy I do find the referral a bit odd. Is there any change the mw misunderstood and thought that's what you're drinking NOW?

If he was my husband I'd tell him to pee off lol
DanceItOut · 15/08/2021 19:30

Every night is a red flag for medical profession I’m afraid and it is higher than recommended. I mean you aren’t drinking to excess every night so I’m sure one or two is fine but it is a bit more often than average.

Roxy69 · 15/08/2021 19:32

If you have to have 2 drinks a night it would be seen as worrying by healthcare professionals. It's not even the amount really just the regularity, habits are very hard to break but well fine for doing that. Just don't start again unless you have to. There are lots of other ways to relax and have fun.

Roxy69 · 15/08/2021 19:33

Well done!