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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Treated like an alcoholic by midwife?

736 replies

MyMabel · 14/08/2021 17:45

Anyone else been in this situation?

Ok our telephone consultation appointment I was asked how much I drink prior to finding out I was pregnant - I said (honestly) I had about one or two gins every night, the occasion glass or two of wine instead. Couldn’t tell them in units as I have no idea.

I was never drunk, never drank until DP was home as we have a toddler DD so wanted to make sure if anything happened one of us can drive, plus I wouldn’t drink while solely responsible for her. - again, never drunk or even dizzy. Just a glass or two while watching telly before bed. I suppose with COVID and all I was just bored?

Anyway, was asked if I drank since finding out- said no, because I haven’t.

Come to my face to face appointment; Midwife explains that due to my alcohol intake before being pregnant I’ve been referred to speak to someone. I was in a bit of shock to ask questions and just said ok. But after I left I felt mortally embarrassed and now a bit worried they think I’ve got a drinking problem?!

Maybe I’m not BU in the sense that they could perhaps help someone who struggled with alcohol by doing this routinely.. but AIBU to think I really don’t need to speak to someone regarding what I drank in the evenings?

Did I really drink THAT much too much? I get it was too much and probably not healthy for my body.. but I don’t think it’s that bad?!

OP posts:
Bunnycat101 · 15/08/2021 08:25

‘Fucking hell, I wonder if continental Europe know that half the population are 'functioning alcoholics'

I actually think there probably are a lot of functioning alcoholics in France. I stayed with friends in quite a small village and they were constantly having aperitifs (and driving around which is another story). I’m sure the whole village was constantly half cut tbh.

2 gins every night probably is a bit too much

pommepommefrites · 15/08/2021 08:41

After all this I bet they just send op a fucking information leaflet... You are both overreacting just ring the midwife and tell her don't want to go ahead with the referral.

Oblomov21 · 15/08/2021 08:54

Re the referral just say that you've realised your were too casual in your reply. And that it's not daily.

Oblomov21 · 15/08/2021 08:57

Or better still ring the midwife. Tell her you were too blasé, too casual and you didn't understand the seriousness / severity of your response. It's not the case, and get the referral cancelled.

ttcsucks · 15/08/2021 08:59

@MurielSpriggs

None of their fucking business! (And I say this as someone who doesn't drink.)
But it is their business when they do nothing and then get blamed for not intervening.

In this case while I think OP isn't an alcoholic it is a red flag as far as medical professionals go their job is to intervene when there are red flags and this is one.

Oblomov21 · 15/08/2021 09:04

Op went cold Turkey and hasn't drunk since finding out. So presumably part of the referral is not going to be assisting her stopping?

"let’s define ‘alcoholic’ as a person who wants to stop drinking and finds that they can’t."

So that doesn't apply.

Monday26July · 15/08/2021 09:25

@Oblomov21

Op went cold Turkey and hasn't drunk since finding out. So presumably part of the referral is not going to be assisting her stopping?

"let’s define ‘alcoholic’ as a person who wants to stop drinking and finds that they can’t."

So that doesn't apply.

That’s not an accurate definition of addiction. You don’t have to want to stop to have a problem. Plenty of people with substance dependency issues don’t actually want yet or ever to stop. Even if it’s causing major problems for them.

Midwife won’t have made a personal judgment call based on her own opinions of alcohol, there’ll be guidelines for this and they will refer anyone who acknowledges they drank daily before pregnancy. There will be a proportion of women who were daily drinkers who find they manage to stop for a while but go back to it during pregnancy, they can offer support to ensure that doesn’t happen. It isn’t the midwife’s place to analyse whether OP has a problem, she’s raised a red flag so she’s referring onto people who know about this stuff.

I would see it as a pink flag that OP drinks daily with a toddler in the house too, that may also be a concern. Hopefully OP can remain teetotal for the duration of the pregnancy but a percentage of previously daily drinkers will find they’re unable to manage that and require support. Of course OP can decline the referral though personally I’d be wary of how that looks, going back and saying ‘actually I told you I drink more then I actually do’ comes across a bit as minimising or lying to avoid any consequences of what she initially said now she’s been told about the referral.

I’d accept it, be open and honest and see what they say. If OP is telling the truth then it will be closed after advice and OP will know where to go for support if she needs it in the future.

whiteroseredrose · 15/08/2021 09:28

This is bonkers. 2 gins a night is 14 units and spot on the recommendations so definitely not 'far too much'!

SchrodingersImmigrant · 15/08/2021 09:29

Fucking hell, I wonder if continental Europe know that half the population are 'functioning alcoholics'

I actually refuse to answer how many units I drink. I just say that I don't drink daily and I can go weeks without with no issue. Problem is that some people take the recommendation as a gospel and anything over is considered a problem (as shown on this thread)

Monday26July · 15/08/2021 09:29

Hopefully OP can see after a bit of time has passed that this isn’t supposed to be a stain on her character or an accusation or some kind of punishment, they’re concerned solely with what’s best for you and your baby and I’m sure you’d rather people who need support be referred than midwives ignore statements that concern them for fear of upsetting their patient. Even if you did have a problem with alcohol they’re there to support you, not to judge you as failing or a bad parent. Plenty of people have babies who drink quite a bit or take drugs on occasion and do fine. But it is something they need to be aware of for the cases where it’s detrimental to the children in the house so they can build a picture and act on safeguarding concerns. As others have said, a couple of gins or glasses of wine every night is really quite a lot and that’s what you told her you were having.

Hope it goes okay!

Benjispruce5 · 15/08/2021 09:32

My midwife told me very seriously that the rugs in my house were a death trap. I honestly thought she’d lost the plot. Relax, it’s just a box on a list to be ticked.

Monday26July · 15/08/2021 09:32

@whiteroseredrose

This is bonkers. 2 gins a night is 14 units and spot on the recommendations so definitely not 'far too much'!
The NHS do promote having some drink free days in the week, and OP said she was drinking daily, so that will be the concern. Especially as she wasn’t just drinking daily before pregnancy without kids, it was while living with a toddler.

Really, the services see people who drink far more and as long as OP is honest I’m sure they will discharge her with advice.

IncyWincyGrownUp · 15/08/2021 09:33

@FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop

I wonder how many posters who are Pearl clutching at the OP's perfectly acceptable 14 units a week have spent their adult lives stuffing their faces with chocolate and crisps and making themselves overweight before they got pregnant - this is also a huge risk factor in pregnancy but we can't tell people off for it like we apparently can for having booze
They can, and do. I was under the care of a midwife who specialised in overweight mothers. She didn’t like me much, as I steadfastly refused to have gestational diabetes for my entire pregnancy. Rocked her world view a little!
Monday26July · 15/08/2021 09:35

@IncyWincyGrownUp

You think midwives WANT their patients to be unwell?

Dontevenstart · 15/08/2021 09:37

Your alcohol intake was fine if you didn’t feel you had a problem, and were able to stop with no issues. There’s the crux. You did. Fair play. Filtering the medical professional advice with the subjective human advice is the next part.

AntiHop · 15/08/2021 09:37

@Nichebitch

Absolutely fine. I lived in several countries where 1/2 glasses of wine with your meal are the norm. Relationship with alcohol in Britain is really weird - you’re far far from too much! Also midwives can be great or the very opposite, it’s not like they are medical professionals, in my experience they just have opinions like most of us. Use common sense and relax x
Of course midwives are medical professionals. What are you talking about?! Also they will be giving advise informed by official guidelines, which are evidence based.
Benjispruce5 · 15/08/2021 09:37

My DM was advised to drink Guinness whilst pregnant in the 60s/70s, for the iron content!!

ancientgran · 15/08/2021 09:46

@whiteroseredrose

This is bonkers. 2 gins a night is 14 units and spot on the recommendations so definitely not 'far too much'!
Surely that depends on the size of the glass and how full it is. Glass the size of a thimble half full will be nowhere near 14 units, pint glass full well I think we all know that will be more than 14 units.
IncyWincyGrownUp · 15/08/2021 09:47

[quote Monday26July]@IncyWincyGrownUp

You think midwives WANT their patients to be unwell?[/quote]
Oh, not at all! Most of the staff I saw at the hospital were absolutely awesome. My specialist midwife just had very rigid views about how a fat person’s pregnancy WOULD progress, and was startled on a regular basis that my body wasn’t following her carefully learned script: no GD, no SPD, slow weight loss, not gain, no complications at all.

Eventually my consultant took over, because midwife appointments became uncomfortable due to her constant consternation.

dottydodah · 15/08/2021 09:54

I think thats a fair amount TBH! Gin is around 37% proof" .A couple a night adds up .Anyway you have stopped now which is good .I drank a lot at parties and social events .One day had a dreadful hangover .Have only drunk occasionally since .I think they will just maybe go over your drinking level ,and if necessary keep an eye on you .Lots of lovely soft drinks now ."Mocktails" Sicialian Lemonade , Ginger Beer , Gordons do an Alcohol free gin now! (Maybe just check ingriedants as a lot of preservatives and so on)

dottydodah · 15/08/2021 09:56

Many home measures will be generous as well .Govt guidelines are for a pub measure .

whiteroseredrose · 15/08/2021 10:08

@ancientgran OP said 2 gins, not two buckets!

I often have 2 gins a night preparing dinner. I use the little measure that came with a bottle once and add a small Fever Tree can. Exactly one unit per drink. Any more gin in it and it would taste foul.

OhGiveUp · 15/08/2021 10:10

I've always had a glass of wine with both lunch and evening meal and a nip of whisky in hot milk on a winter's evening.
I continued to do so throughout my pregnancies.
I would have been telling the midwife where to shove her sanctimonious twaddle.

Oblahdeeoblahdoe · 15/08/2021 10:17

@MyMabel

Is it just a consultant I see about this? I’m under a consultant anyway due to previous complications (non-alcohol related!)

She didn’t actually say who I see.. am I going to be sat in a circle of other alcoholic pregnant mothers? Will I need to stand up and introduce myself followed by ‘and I’m an alcoholic’? You know, the stuff you see in movies.

Politely decline the invitation, it's a terrible waste of resources.
Stealbee · 15/08/2021 10:22

It's probably just a specialist midwife and there'll be some generic leaflets and you can talk to us etc. Just decline it if you want.