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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Treated like an alcoholic by midwife?

736 replies

MyMabel · 14/08/2021 17:45

Anyone else been in this situation?

Ok our telephone consultation appointment I was asked how much I drink prior to finding out I was pregnant - I said (honestly) I had about one or two gins every night, the occasion glass or two of wine instead. Couldn’t tell them in units as I have no idea.

I was never drunk, never drank until DP was home as we have a toddler DD so wanted to make sure if anything happened one of us can drive, plus I wouldn’t drink while solely responsible for her. - again, never drunk or even dizzy. Just a glass or two while watching telly before bed. I suppose with COVID and all I was just bored?

Anyway, was asked if I drank since finding out- said no, because I haven’t.

Come to my face to face appointment; Midwife explains that due to my alcohol intake before being pregnant I’ve been referred to speak to someone. I was in a bit of shock to ask questions and just said ok. But after I left I felt mortally embarrassed and now a bit worried they think I’ve got a drinking problem?!

Maybe I’m not BU in the sense that they could perhaps help someone who struggled with alcohol by doing this routinely.. but AIBU to think I really don’t need to speak to someone regarding what I drank in the evenings?

Did I really drink THAT much too much? I get it was too much and probably not healthy for my body.. but I don’t think it’s that bad?!

OP posts:
wurlycurly · 14/08/2021 23:00

They are ticking their boxes. Your drinking doesn’t sound problematic at all. There is a trend now to admonish all women who drink. Its misogynistic and controlling.

Cleverpolly3 · 14/08/2021 23:04

@felulageller

disgraceful scaremongering

saraclara · 14/08/2021 23:19

[quote Cleverpolly3]@felulageller

disgraceful scaremongering[/quote]
Agreed. I've spent my entire career in special education, and only came across one child with diagnosed FAS.

If even 10% of women who'd drunk alcohol before they found out they were pregnant gave their child FAS there'd be no room in special schools for any other children

Nichebitch · 14/08/2021 23:34

Absolutely fine. I lived in several countries where 1/2 glasses of wine with your meal are the norm. Relationship with alcohol in Britain is really weird - you’re far far from too much! Also midwives can be great or the very opposite, it’s not like they are medical professionals, in my experience they just have opinions like most of us. Use common sense and relax x

sleeponeday · 14/08/2021 23:36

@Sitchervice

felulageller

"Drinking before finding out you were pregnant could result in FASD, the damage is done before a positive test would show.

I'm sorry."

If this was true for two glasses of wine or gin a night before realising you were pregnant than most of France and Italy would have FASD ...

Quite. It's not true at all.

What sort of person tells a pregnant woman a lie like that?! It's borderline sociopathic, IMO.

FortniteBoysMum · 14/08/2021 23:37

If your drinking every day that's a sign of a problem. The fact you waited until partner was home indicates your a functioning alcoholic. You say you waited until he was home so one person can drive in an emergency. Did it never occur to you to have a night off the drink and let him have one if he wanted too?

Cam2020 · 14/08/2021 23:43

If your drinking every day that's a sign of a problem. The fact you waited until partner was home indicates your a functioning alcoholic. You say you waited until he was home so one person can drive in an emergency. Did it never occur to you to have a night off the drink and let him have one if he wanted too?

Perhaps he doesn't want one? Perhaps he's happy for his partner to unwind at the end of the day? Intereated in how you know the dynamics of the OP's relationship so well and your medical credentials to be going around diagnosing people!

Nat6999 · 14/08/2021 23:45

If you live somewhere posh having a couple of G & T's & the same in wine every night is OK, but have a couple of pints of beer or glasses of wine in a working class area is wrong. As long as you have a couple of alcohol free days a week, can function & if alcohol was banned tomorrow wouldn't have a panic attack then don't worry. You stopped drinking as soon as you found out you were pregnant, you haven't anything to be concerned about, it isn't that many years since pregnant women were recommended to drink a bottle of Guiness every day to build themselves up.

saraclara · 14/08/2021 23:51

@Nat6999

If you live somewhere posh having a couple of G & T's & the same in wine every night is OK, but have a couple of pints of beer or glasses of wine in a working class area is wrong. As long as you have a couple of alcohol free days a week, can function & if alcohol was banned tomorrow wouldn't have a panic attack then don't worry. You stopped drinking as soon as you found out you were pregnant, you haven't anything to be concerned about, it isn't that many years since pregnant women were recommended to drink a bottle of Guiness every day to build themselves up.
My GP told me to have a glass of red wine when I did my baby's early evening feed. I can't remember why, but he did. Late 80s.
beigebrownblue · 14/08/2021 23:53

@Cam2020

If your drinking every day that's a sign of a problem. The fact you waited until partner was home indicates your a functioning alcoholic. You say you waited until he was home so one person can drive in an emergency. Did it never occur to you to have a night off the drink and let him have one if he wanted too?

Perhaps he doesn't want one? Perhaps he's happy for his partner to unwind at the end of the day? Intereated in how you know the dynamics of the OP's relationship so well and your medical credentials to be going around diagnosing people!

You could always call a taxi if you needed it. Don't panic.
saraclara · 14/08/2021 23:59

The fact you waited until partner was home indicates your a functioning alcoholic.

Now I've heard it all.

Wiltshire90 · 15/08/2021 00:06

@ChardonnaysPetDragon

Meh.

Midwife has a script and is unable/unwilling to deviate.

Agree with this. I got flagged for mental health monitoring because honestly answered that I had panic attacks 10+ years ago. It's on the front page of my notes FFS and I haven't had a single issue with mental health since!

I think the midwives/NHS are overly cautious, probably due to the blame culture we seem to live in (and some posters and demonstrated beautifully - foetal alcohol syndrome? Really?).

FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop · 15/08/2021 00:12

@FortniteBoysMum

If your drinking every day that's a sign of a problem. The fact you waited until partner was home indicates your a functioning alcoholic. You say you waited until he was home so one person can drive in an emergency. Did it never occur to you to have a night off the drink and let him have one if he wanted too?
Fucking hell, I wonder if continental Europe know that half the population are 'functioning alcoholics'

Some people are total drama llamas

Lanareyrey · 15/08/2021 00:40

I know it must come as a shock and I understand why you are feeling puzzled, but I do think drinking everyday is not entirely normal or healthy and definitely would raise eyebrows in the medical field.

You are not alone in normalising drinking every day, maybe time to explore drinking habits when you are not pregnant anymore? It can be hard to do but we almost certainly think we do drink much at all, but ends up being well over the recommended units.

Try not to worry!

MurielSpriggs · 15/08/2021 00:52

drinking everyday is not entirely normal or healthy and definitely would raise eyebrows in the medical field

Maybe you don't know any doctors!

Lanareyrey · 15/08/2021 00:56

@MurielSpriggs

drinking everyday is not entirely normal or healthy and definitely would raise eyebrows in the medical field

Maybe you don't know any doctors!

Latest medical advice is there is actually no safe level of drinking, but you do you boo!
Changechangychange · 15/08/2021 01:08

If you aren’t using a measure, you are probably pouring doubles (most people do). So yep, that would be over the recommended amount.

But you’ve stopped now, so no harm done.

Lanareyrey · 15/08/2021 01:11

@Changechangychange

If you aren’t using a measure, you are probably pouring doubles (most people do). So yep, that would be over the recommended amount.

But you’ve stopped now, so no harm done.

This.
MurielSpriggs · 15/08/2021 01:13

Latest medical advice is there is actually no safe level of drinking, but you do you boo!

I don't drink! But I do find the puritanical lecturing on here very tiresome. So what if it's not safe? It's fun. And adults are capable of making these choices for themselves.

I don't much like "you do you" as an expression, but I do wish the Mumsnet Temperance League would adopt it as a motto to guide their actions.

TheKeatingFive · 15/08/2021 05:15

I don’t expect there’s a ‘safe’ level of sugar intake either

Megameg56 · 15/08/2021 06:04

Depends how big the glass is,but I do think it is an overreaction of midwife.people that eat all evening sweet stuff is far far more unhealthy!

Monday26July · 15/08/2021 06:56

@IceLace100

I think people tend to think there are 2 categories of people when it comes to alcohol:
  1. Sensible normal people who mostly drink a normal small amount and
  1. Full blown alcoholics.

In fact there is a whole group of people who fall somewhere in between.

For example, at uni I was defo a problem binge drinker. I wouldn't say I was an alcoholic because I wasn't physically dependant. Doesn't mean it wasn't problem drinking.

OP, you probably fall somewhere in the middle too (but much closer to "normal" than my uni binges!)

Where this is the case it's kind of tricky for the NHS to know what to do. They probably work on a "when in doubt refer" basis.

Yeah, as others have said in the thread it’s like people don’t recognise that actually alcoholics aren’t a different breed of people. They’re regular people who found that they were drinking more and more to cope and ended up with a dependency.

Not saying OP is alcohol dependent, though her drinking levels would concern me too, it’s likely that for some people who drink daily it would be too difficult to stop in pregnancy. People who drink daily do so for a reason.

I’m sensitive to the posts saying proudly ‘relative drank THREE PINTS per day my entire life and is fit as a fiddle’ as they are fortunate it turned out that way. Many people would find their health impacted on that amount (42 units per week I’d say?). Take it from someone whose lovely, ‘normal’ mum developed a dependency in her middle age and went from a couple glasses of wine per night to drinking herself to death in front of my eyes in the span of two years after an emotional trauma. It’s not something to boast about and any one of us could find ourselves with a drink problem under the right circumstances.

Glad OP is at least being offered help, it’s up to them whether they take it but I’d far rather they offer.

Reallyreallyborednow · 15/08/2021 07:43

Also midwives can be great or the very opposite, it’s not like they are medical professionals, in my experience they just have opinions like most of us

Midwives absolutely are medical professionals, and their “opinions” are based in best clinical practice. Not like most of us at all.

You can’t just walk off the street to be a midwife, it’s a 3 year degree and professional registration with the Royal College of Nursing. They don’t just make it up as they go along- they are guided by years of research into midwifery practice, just like any other HCP.

Wtf do you think midwives are there for?

Bluntness100 · 15/08/2021 07:51

@Megameg56

Depends how big the glass is,but I do think it is an overreaction of midwife.people that eat all evening sweet stuff is far far more unhealthy!
Irs not a race to the bottom or a competition. Neither is good.
TheKeatingFive · 15/08/2021 08:13

its not a race to the bottom or a competition. Neither is good.

Pregnant or about to be pregnant women don’t tend to get berated for overeating sugary crap on here though.