About this comment

[Babymeanswashing]

DP this morning ‘So what are your plans for today?’

I’m probably being prickly but it seems like he’s assuming whatever I do won’t involve him!

@Booboosweet

I don't get it. What did he say wrong?

He assumed that he would get saturday free to himself and op would take their joint baby out. As he frequently does.

@Babymeanswashing

Because he would just say he didn’t mean it like that.

I know what ‘what would happen’ means but it does miss the point completely. It’s not about what happens, it’s about feelings.

So your DP says ‘get me a cup of tea’ and people say ‘what would happen if you say no’ but it’s not about the tea. It’s about someone rudely barking orders at you.

Am I right in thinking that it's not about your response but more about him asking a pointless question because he has already decided you should be going out ?

He's deciding what you should be doing ... it's quite menacing really . The tone , the body language might be all non threatening but it's menacing because you look like the bad guy/ obstructive if you don't go out ... and he gets to say ' but I was only asking nicely.' Really he shouldn't be asking at all .

It’s not menacing but he just doesn’t love either of us, I’ve realised.

This sounds like typical male put himself first behaviour because he sees you at the main parent and possibly his job as more important so home now belongs to him during the week and he needs weekends for his rest and relaxation.

This situation has probably evolved unconsciously since your baby was born. You've stepped up to do the lion share and he has accepted it and now takes it for granted. Boundaries were never set in the first place and you're now resentful of the imbalance. Been there, done that and allowed it to go on for far too long.

The only way you will get change is to make change. State exactly how you see the situation to him and what you would like to see changed. You need to give some thought to what your ideal sharing of the parenting and family time before you present it to him. If you are vague you will be giving him opportunities to swerve his responsibilities.

I wouldn't focus too much on the phrase he used, another opportunity for him to deny and minimise.

It's heartbreaking you think he doesn't love either of you whether it's actually true or not

OP,
You are going round in circles.

You are well able to answer assertively and yet seem terrified of answering a simple question.

Your latest update is enlightening, yet obscure.

If you actually want some help and some constructive advice, then give the background of your relationship.

It's length, depth, and the circumstances of your daughters conception.

You sound stressed and lost and that's a very lonely place to be with a new baby.

It's similar to a thread where the OP was struggling with her DP working from home during her mat leave.

It was going round in circles as she was saying he absolutely HAD to work in the kitchen deposit there being other rules in the house but refused to answer any questions on why it was so inflexible and why she couldn't discuss it with him. She wouldn't answer any questions about their relationship or her DPs job

You sound very stressed.

My dh would say that in the context of do I have something specific that I need to do or do I have plans for us to do somehtk f together. But it ob means something very different in the way your partner says it to you (unmumet hug)

You are extremely snarky and rude and are a dripfeeder so no wonder you are angry with the replies.

I have no idea why so many people are taking the time out of their day to reply to you with advice when in response you just come up with a rude and poorly thought out response to shut them down. There is no point to this thread other than you to moan and you are clearly not in a good mood but you do not need to take it out on random people who are replying to you.

@Babymeanswashing

Like I say it’s the fact that he’s assuming whatever we do it won’t be together. And we have a very young child and since he won’t be having her she’ll obviously be coming with me for my ‘plans’. Probably am being hard work.

So you are assuming that he is assuming...

There's an awful lot of assuming and a lack of actual communicating going on here...

@Babymeanswashing

It’s not menacing but he just doesn’t love either of us, I’ve realised.

Was your relationship always like this or did communication break down recently?

There's a lot of assuming , guesswork and "feels like". You need to talk to him properly and figure out what's going on. You sound at the end of your tether /absolutely exhausted mentally and emotionally and you simply can't keep going like this. You need to figure out what's going on and where you stand.

P.S. send him out of the house a bit more with or without DD. He needs to do the food shopping, wash the car , see his mother /best friend ,whatever.

I don’t know whether I’ve been confused with another poster but my DP does not and never has worked in the kitchen!

I’m sorry if I’ve been rude. It’s not my intention but I don’t like it being insinuated DD was a mistake and with the best will in the world all of the ‘What Would Happens’ have wound me up a bit - they really have come across a bit like someone reading a particularly juicy novel or magazine - ooh, wonder what would happen if …

I think sometimes when you don’t know the characters involved it’s easy to think all can be solved with a nice chat but that isn’t the case here . With the comment that started this thread it’s very easy to think it was said innocuously and maybe it was but either way he’d insist it was and so what can I say, no it wasn’t you arse?

It’s a cliche but really he’s mostly carrying on with his life as it ever was while I’m obviously not.

Probably the consensus would be to leave but to be honest I don’t think that’s the answer here because it would take a very high threshold when there’s a child involved. So I do think I will just have to put up and shut up to a large extent. Nothing will happen, and that’s the point. I certainly will never be in danger of being hit or hurt or harmed in any way but I don’t think I’ll ever be listened to either even if I scream my head off!

I’m quite confused by this thread.

He has asked you a question (that my DP and I also ask each other regularly). You say nothing would happen, no matter how you answered.

Yet you’re comparing it to a partner saying you look like shit or barking orders at you, and then suddenly say he doesn’t love you.

Unless you’re massively overreacting, it sounds like there might be bigger problems in your relationship that you’re not saying?

That’s very selective reading though, so that is probably why you’re confused.

I haven’t compared it to a partner saying I look like shit or barking orders at me. What I was trying to do with that was explain that it’s not about whether something would happen or not, it’s about how it makes you feel.

So DP asks me what my plans are. Other posters articulated it better than me. I have days of walking around out of the house so he can work. Weekend comes and I think great … I get a bit of a break from being the sole care provider and adult company. Except nope it’s expected I’ll continue as I do during the week.

So I could say ‘I have NO plans DP.’ And nothing would happen. Doesn’t matter. I still feel unwelcome and like I’m not wanted around him, which is probably because that’s exactly what it is.

And no, he doesn’t love me. I won’t go into it now because it is outing but a couple of things this weekend have made me realise this and it does suck but I’ve come through worse so it will get better.

So I hope that clears up the confusion. I don’t think there’s anything to be gained by continuing to update.

So I do think I will just have to put up and shut up to a large extent. Nothing will happen

You most certainly do not have to put up and shut up OP. I don't mean to ask you this in a patronising way but are you quite young still? Are you quite a passive person generally? Because it honestly sounds like he is bullying you out of your own home and you are scared to stand up to him.

A PP comment to reply thus "nothing, why - what do you fancy doing?" is a perfect starting point. Or What would happen if you said "I'm going for a coffee with (insert friends name) so you need to take Dd for a few hours. Not sure when il be back"? And be sure to say "you need to" not "will you look after". Make it as a statement. What would he say?

And no, he doesn’t love me. I won’t go into it now because it is outing but a couple of things this weekend have made me realise this and it does suck but I’ve come through worse so it will get better.

Having just read your update I think the problem is as others have said, the initial post isn't really what this is about so it's a bit confusing. You have come to realise he doesn't want you around and feel unloved - of course that is upsetting. But the only thing you can do is try to have an honest conversation with him. No one here knows how he feels or what is going on in your relationship. But I certainly wouldn't be allowing him to make me feel so uncomfortable in my own home that I'd walk around for 5 hours with my baby dd whilst he sits on his arse. I hope you find the strength to do what you have to do OP - you sound very down

Sigh. No I’m not young. I’m old, ugly and have committed the cardinal MN sin of not giving my autobiography in my OP.

@Babymeanswashing, I'm guessing it would have been different if he'd said: "What are our plans for today?", whereas him saying "What are your plans?" makes you feel like he's excluding himself from them.

This situation all rings a bell though... have you posted about this before with him expecting you to be out of the house all day, every day??

No advice I'm afraid, but YANBU, and I really feel for you 💐

And you feel like it has spoilt your maternity leave a bit as you would've also liked to just be able to watch crap TV with baby, etc?

If you said to him either:

I think we should all go to the zoo together (or whatever) today or as pp have said:
'I'm off out so you'll have to amuse dd whilst I'm gone'

What would be his response... would he do it or would he make excuses?

I get that that isn't the point of your post as you want him not to exclude himself from plans at the weekend and that it's hurtful that he's asking you this question in a way that does excludes him, but I think in order to change things, or at least find out exactly where you and your dd stand, it would be good to challenge this statement and maybe not give him the choice to swerve it.

Clutching at straws, it could simply be miscommunication on both sides and because you do usually go out every day, he assumes that's what you like to do and that you're excluding/ don't need him, so he is really just asking innocently, ie, do you have plans (or are we doing something together?).... he's just not adding the last part of the question and assuming you know that's what he means.
Maybe he is phrasing it the way he is because he doesn't want to be rejected as he assumed your plans won't include him a you're out for large chunks of the day every week day?

I do really think you need to sit him down and simply tell him how that question makes you feel and that although you're happy to give him space to work during the week, on the weekend you want to do things together, even if that is just chilling at home.

Hope it works out. Either way though, you'll at least know for definite where you stand 🙂

"with the best will in the world all of the ‘What Would Happens’ have wound me up a bit - they really have come across a bit like someone reading a particularly juicy novel or magazine - ooh, wonder what would happen if … "

This is a really odd response though. Does someone in your real life act like that? A relative or friend or something? (I know there are things that wind me up the wrong way because I instantly think of my mum.)

If it helps, I honestly don't find your story "juicy" and I'm not fascinated by the next chapter. But the thing is, no one here knows you. From your thread it's unclear how you communicate with him, if you do at all, and how he reacts when you try to be assertive.

When I asked, "what would happen", I was really asking, how would he respond - would he scream and hit you? Roll his eyes and go into another room? Nod ever so understandingly and keep doing it anyway?

There must be a reason you're being passive and going out rather than asserting yourself. It might be so fundamentally obvious to you that there's no point writing it but people who aren't in your head don't know.

Probably the consensus would be to leave but to be honest I don’t think that’s the answer here because it would take a very high threshold when there’s a child involved. So I do think I will just have to put up and shut up to a large extent. Nothing will happen, and that’s the point. I certainly will never be in danger of being hit or hurt or harmed in any way but I don’t think I’ll ever be listened to either even if I scream my head off!
You should have a much lower threshold when a child is involved. There are other ways for a child to be damaged by an awful relationship, than to see violence. You have very, very low standards and expectations if you think it is fine as long as he is not violent.

Don't stay where you aren't loved it will erode your self esteem to 0.

@Babymeanswashing

Billy will you stop insinuating my child wasn’t planned or wanted? I’m a bit sick of it tbh. Sorry if that sounds awful but I really feel it isn’t appropriate. She was very planned and wanted. And of course I love him, which is why it hurts so much that he wants me out for hours every day so he can do his own thing.

You are bothered he wants you out of the house yet…..

It’s just I’ve had him in my face for over a year now so I’m getting a bit sick of him!

DH is retired, I’m not, I wish he would get out of the house for a couple of hours as I would love to have the place to myself for a change.

I totally get you OP. I do think you need to have a conversation with him though. It's time to be brutally honest. If he doesn't love you anymore then do you really want to stay in the relationship?

I'd just say "I don't mind, what do you fancy doing?"

Or "I really need some me time, so if you don't mind, I will just keep out of your way"

Normal really