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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About this comment

150 replies

Babymeanswashing · 14/08/2021 15:36

DP this morning ‘So what are your plans for today?’

I’m probably being prickly but it seems like he’s assuming whatever I do won’t involve him!

OP posts:
rubbletrouble · 14/08/2021 20:54

I ask my hubby this all the time, I like to know his plans so we can then sort our days out.

I think your issue is sorting out somewhere better for him to work from in the house, to ease the building up of resentment that may be creeping in,rather than sending him out for a few hours so he can come back smug ConfusedConfused as one suggested ConfusedConfused.

Original poster
Babymeanswashing · 14/08/2021 20:56

Well, it won’t happen and anyway I’m back at work in 2 weeks. I think the PP have hit the nail on the head though. It is him wanting us out the house. I can’t honestly say DD is particularly difficult and I actually took her out on my own today for 5 hours and it was fine, it was great. It’s just it’s never reciprocated.

OP posts:
Original poster
Babymeanswashing · 14/08/2021 20:57

Not sure what all the Confused Confused Confused Confused is about

OP posts:
RandomMess · 14/08/2021 20:58

Perhaps you should have that conversation with him about him stepping up to be her parent and sharing the load and that you need downtime and you are NOT the default parent and he needs to change his mindset fast.

happydays2345 · 14/08/2021 20:59

See we always say "what shall we do today"

Original poster
Babymeanswashing · 14/08/2021 20:59

There’s so much we need to talk about but I have to admit if I started at the moment I think I’d never stop!

OP posts:
Original poster
Babymeanswashing · 14/08/2021 20:59

@happydays2345

See we always say "what shall we do today"
Yeah but he didn’t say that did he

He said ‘so what are your plans for today’

OP posts:
imisscashmere · 14/08/2021 21:06

All the people saying it’s a normal question… it’s not! They are a family of 3 - two parents and a child. They can’t just make plans totally independently - unless of course it’s just assumed that OP will always have the baby, which is just so unfair, and sad!

Isn’t it normal for partners/parents to make plans together? Or, together discuss how you can do things separately. My husband likes to run every day, at the weekends he usually suggests a way it can fit into our plans.

YouBringLightInToADarkPlace · 14/08/2021 21:07

My husband and I ask each other this question at least once a day, as well as what our goals are for the day, in order to help each other achieve them. It's just a shorthand way for us to communicate.

Monr0e · 14/08/2021 21:12

You should say "oh, didn't I mention? I'm meeting Laura for a bottomless boozy brunch, have fun with dd, what are your plans with her?"

JulesCobb · 14/08/2021 22:59

He said ‘so what are your plans for today’
Ive not made any. What do you think we all should do?

HollowTalk · 14/08/2021 23:11

What would have happened if you'd said well I thought I'd go and meet some friends for a few hours while you looked after the baby?

MindyStClaire · 15/08/2021 05:37

If you're back at work in a fortnight, I'd approach it from that point of view.

"We must have a chat about our routine once I'm back at work. I really can't wait for some alone time at home, I get a bit jealous of you sometimes! Shall we take one lie in each? We must make sure to prioritise some time with the three of us together as well. Gosh it's going to be busy trying to fit everything in, I hope we find a rhythm quickly."

I'd be unhappy in your shoes OP, I hope you make some progress with him. Beware of the mental load, make sure he realises that once you're back at work he needs to be doing half the pick ups and drop offs, housework, cooking etc as well as the things like making a plan for the weekend.

Youarestillintherunning · 15/08/2021 05:42

I think it sounds like you need to have a discussion with him about how you are feeling. Yes it might be his office, but it's your family home first, and you shouldn't feel like you can't just mooch around the home if that's what you want to do. Just say to him, nothing, do I need plans? It's normal in my relationship for my dp to ask that, but I think that's because I have a tenancy to make plans in my head for all of us. If its a nice sunny day I might decide that we will all go to the beach or whatever. But it doesn't sound like that's the case in your scenario. Communication is the way forwards op!

TinToms · 15/08/2021 08:05

In the nicest possible way, where’s your backbone? If he does mean ‘when are you two leaving so I can have the house to myself’ why wouldn’t you challenge this in your partner? You’re a teacher! You must have the confidence surely?!

Original poster
Babymeanswashing · 15/08/2021 08:06

Whaaat? I can’t even. Anyway.

OP posts:
alexa677 · 15/08/2021 08:11

If he works Monday -Friday and he had a day off with no concrete pre-arranged plsns for himself that he'd run past you first (eg had arranged to play golf with friends and had previously checked it was ok with you) then I'd be hurt/annoyed by this.

My assumption would be weekend days are family days unless otherwise arranged as one person had plans. And these type of should go both ways (ie spa days, baby free shopping etc)

billy1966 · 15/08/2021 08:22

Why are you allowing him to be such a selfish waste of space.

When he asks your plans tell him you are off for the day leaving the baby with him.

Or say, my plan is you take her out for the day and I'm going to have some time at home.

He is a selfish waste of space.

Don't get pregnant again.

You rightly sound stressed and unhappy and he sounds like a selfish twat.

Start standing up for yourself and make plans to go it alone.

If he does nothing with his child it is clear he doesn't want this child.

Protect yourself and stop being suchba doormat. Flowers

Original poster
Babymeanswashing · 15/08/2021 08:26

People shouting at me and saying I’m a doormat and allowing it don’t help. I’ll leave it there. I know you were trying to be supportive billy but it isn’t helpful. My confidence is rock bottom, I feel so low and so fed up, I’m in no position to make big decisions. I’m just doing my best to keep everything happy and stable for DD and that I can do at least.

OP posts:
Aprilx · 15/08/2021 08:27

@Babymeanswashing

Sorry, how am I being awkward?

I accepted on like the third post I’ve clearly read a bit much into it.

I’m really getting paranoid about this.

I don’t necessarily think it was a weird question, but it could be depending on context, whether you live together and whether he has individual plans today that you both know of.

As I live with my husband, I would find it an odd question unless I knew he was otherwise occupied himself. If not, I would expect him to say “what shall we do today”.

Aprilx · 15/08/2021 08:29

*Sorry I should have read the full thread first, I was sure it only had one page when I opened it. ☹️

EarringsandLipstick · 15/08/2021 08:29

@Babymeanswashing

I did get it.

But if you are unhappy with the situation, the only starting point is to clearly say that, and what you need. YANBU to do that.

YABU to feel unhappy about (at least superficially) innocuous comments without just addressing them there & then. I'm not saying your DP doesn't need to make changes, but you are being unfair - to you both - by not articulating your needs.

Try it today? Ask him what he'd like to do, all together.

BabyBunnyMama · 15/08/2021 08:30

My husband and I usually spend most of our weekend/evenings together but we still ask this most days. What are your plans today/this evening/for lunch? Just our way of asking what the other person is planning on doing, doesn't mean we are excluding one another. I don't see any harm in it.

billy1966 · 15/08/2021 08:38

@Babymeanswashing

People shouting at me and saying I’m a doormat and allowing it don’t help. I’ll leave it there. I know you were trying to be supportive billy but it isn’t helpful. My confidence is rock bottom, I feel so low and so fed up, I’m in no position to make big decisions. I’m just doing my best to keep everything happy and stable for DD and that I can do at least.
I'm sorry I certainly didn't mean it that way.

Can you pack up and go visit family?

If you are that unhappy and stressed you need to see what you can do to help yourself.

Have you been posting before?

Are you the poor woman stuck in a bedroom with a baby in HIS home?

If you are, then you need to reach out for any support you can get from your GP, family, friends?

If you are so low, what can you do to help yourself.

Did you accidentally get pregnant with this man?

What is the background story that you feel so awful in your home and pressurised to leave it.

Because it sounds so awful and stressful.

Have you anywhere or anyone that would let you stay?

OppsUpsSide · 15/08/2021 08:42

My dad does this to my mum, drives her absolutely up the wall. I don’t know the answer sorry because are 50 odd years of marriage she still just goes out.

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