Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About this comment

150 replies

Babymeanswashing · 14/08/2021 15:36

DP this morning ‘So what are your plans for today?’

I’m probably being prickly but it seems like he’s assuming whatever I do won’t involve him!

OP posts:
Original poster
Babymeanswashing · 15/08/2021 08:52

I’m just a bit fed up with it. There wouldn’t be an issue at all if I said I’m not going anywhere but that’s not the point. I don’t want to have to map out the day, just to go out when I want and come back when I want. I want to be able to watch shit tv, and relax at home a bit. That’s it really. It’s not that big a deal. It’s just I’ve had him in my face for over a year now so I’m getting a bit sick of him!

OP posts:
billy1966 · 15/08/2021 09:20

Completely understandable.

It doesn't sound like you are in love with this man or ever were.

Surprise pregnancy?

Well if the above is true, things are unlikely to workout so you need to be minding your MH and making plans for how you will do this alone.

It will be easier in the long run that staying with someone that you don't care for and he clearly isn't that interested in family life if he wants you out every day, 7 days a week.

Accept that it isn't going to work out and start making plans.
Flowers

LemonRoses · 15/08/2021 09:22

I’d have that question most days. I’d not assume that it meant no collaboration, but rather they wanted to fit in with my wishes.

alexa677 · 15/08/2021 09:24

That was my first thought @LemonRoses but that's not OPs experience of him asking it in the past.

Doesn't sound like he's much of a family man or spends time with her and his DD on the weekends

SpacePug · 15/08/2021 09:39

I say to my DH "what are your plans for tonight?" To find out if he's gaming on his own or if he wants to hang out with me. I do use it as a way of finding out if he has plans alone or not, maybe he's doing the same so he knows if you are hanging out today or not?

Original poster
Babymeanswashing · 15/08/2021 10:26

Billy will you stop insinuating my child wasn’t planned or wanted? I’m a bit sick of it tbh. Sorry if that sounds awful but I really feel it isn’t appropriate. She was very planned and wanted. And of course I love him, which is why it hurts so much that he wants me out for hours every day so he can do his own thing.

OP posts:
neonjumper · 15/08/2021 11:33

Sounds like you're feeling pushed out of your own home. A lot of people are feeling like this with partners suddenly WFH.

Yes you should be able to just hang out in your own home and not feel that you are in the way .

You need to communicate how you are feeling to him and verbalise what you need .

It's a little difficult to gauge from your posts what your setup is in the home ie why is he working in the middle of the home , why not elsewhere , out of the way ?

I sense a bit of resentment on your part that he has effectively ruined your maternity leave by making you feel pushed out of your own home and outside of your relationship.

Original poster
Babymeanswashing · 15/08/2021 13:49

I do harbour some resentment towards him for that I think.

OP posts:
neonjumper · 15/08/2021 14:10

I'm not surprised you're feeling resentful. He should be embracing being a new dad and supporting you in your new role as a parent who is on maternity leave ... but instead it sounds like he's made you feel like you are in the way.

I'm not surprised you feel your self esteem is at an all time low. He's effectively silenced you so that you are unable to voice how you feel.

MostlyHappyMummy · 15/08/2021 14:25

I don't understand why you can't just answer that you have no plans? But if he wants to do something with your child then to crack on with it.
What would happen if you just said, I have no plans every time he asks?

Original poster
Babymeanswashing · 15/08/2021 14:45

Nothing would happen

I mean, let’s say your partner said you looked like shit. Nothing would happen. But it would slowly chip away at your self esteem, wouldn’t it.

That’s how it is. Nothing would happen if I kept saying nothing. It’s not the answer that’s important, it’s the question, and the meaning behind it.

OP posts:
cakeseeker · 15/08/2021 14:50

What would happen if you talked to him about this OP?

Original poster
Babymeanswashing · 15/08/2021 14:59

I think if I ever have a day as one of MNHQ I will ban What Would Happen Grin

Seriously. It’s not an eastenders episode.

OP posts:
NeverDropYourMoonCup · 15/08/2021 15:07

Why not try replying 'oh, I'm going the gym and then maybe doing some shopping, getting my nails/eyebrows done and then meeting a friend for dinner. What are your plans for you and DD today?'

cakeseeker · 15/08/2021 15:25

I don't get it, why the snarky comment at me?

You have a husband who says something regularly that upsets you.

Wouldn't it potentially improve your life and relationship if you talk to him about it?

Or is the problem that he would be abusive or something?

DrSbaitso · 15/08/2021 15:43

@Babymeanswashing

Yeah and I hear that. It’s because he asks me every day so I’ve probably reacted badly to it because mostly it means ‘when are you two going out and leaving me in peace’ Grin
If that's what you've found it means in practice, you're probably right.

What happens if you say "I was thinking the three of us could spend the day together"?

RandomMess · 15/08/2021 17:13

What would happen = what would his reaction be/what would he say.

Why don't you actually challenge what he infers when he says it?

Original poster
Babymeanswashing · 15/08/2021 17:17

Because he would just say he didn’t mean it like that.

I know what ‘what would happen’ means but it does miss the point completely. It’s not about what happens, it’s about feelings.

So your DP says ‘get me a cup of tea’ and people say ‘what would happen if you say no’ but it’s not about the tea. It’s about someone rudely barking orders at you.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 15/08/2021 17:25

Yes it's about your feelings and that includes why you won't challenge his attitude or feel that you can't and why you don't seem to be able to tell him how it makes you feel.

EverybodyIsInteresting · 15/08/2021 17:25

I'm a bit confused by this at the moment

Has he actually said he wants you to go out? Have you said anything like 'i don't really have any, what do you fancy doing?' or 'I think i fancy just lazing around the house today' or 'hmm, not sure, do you have any ideas?'.

Or do you always just go out and do things so he's assuming that is what you like to do?

Booboosweet · 15/08/2021 17:29

I don't get it. What did he say wrong?

FangsForTheMemory · 15/08/2021 17:31

Well, I would reply 'I'm leaving DD with you while I go shopping and meet a couple of mates for lunch.'

VexedofVirginiaWater · 15/08/2021 17:31

I had similar years ago - not quite the same obviously as no working from home - but I used to just say "Not sure - what are yours?" Then depending on the answer I might just say OK or maybe "So DS is staying with me then is he?" Or " You could take DS, he'd love xyz". It was interesting to see plans change. It didn't always make a difference but it put the idea in his head.

Notimeforaname · 15/08/2021 17:41

It’s about someone rudely barking orders at you

When did your husband rudely bark orders at you ? He asks you a question..

Notimeforaname · 15/08/2021 17:42

And you don't seem to want to do anything about it or speak to him about it.
So the other option is to accept it if you don't want to try to resolve it.