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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Child charged with horrific offense

119 replies

MrsCopperfield · 14/08/2021 13:43

I recently got back in touch with an old friend via Facebook. I have known this friend for my entire life but I haven't seen them for many many years, since I left home. We have had a few nice chats, and arranged to meet up next week as I am going back to my hometown to visit family.

I have just found out their child has been charged with a horrific crime. It was reported in the local news. The arrest happened after we made our arrangement to meet up.

I feel so bad for my friend and have no idea how to handle this. Assuming they don't cancel our meeting, what do I do/say? Do I mention it if they don't? They will surely know I have heard about it (it's a small town). I have never met the child in question. How do I support my friend? I have no idea what to do. Should I back away now? That sounds awful but the crime is one of the worst imaginable.

Please help with any suggestions.

OP posts:

RedHelenB · 14/08/2021 13:44

No, she's your friend and needs your support.

Original poster

MrsCopperfield · 14/08/2021 13:48

I want to support my friend but have no idea what to do or say.

OP posts:

CoffeeRunner · 14/08/2021 13:48

Meet your friend & let her talk.

I'd be very surprised if she doesn't raise the subject with you, she may well need a friend now more than ever.

Basically, let her lead the way. My only issue would be if she was trying to excuse or minimise the crime.

MakeItRain · 14/08/2021 13:49

I would just ask them how they are feeling and let them lead the conversation. How awful for your poor friend. I imagine lots of people will be "backing away" from her now and she's going to need all the friends she can get.

Lockheart · 14/08/2021 13:49

I wouldn't mention it unless they do. They may want to lean on others or they may just want to meet up with a friend like normal without it hanging over them, so be led by them on this.

If they do bring it up, just let them talk about it as much as they want. Don't force any questions - just be there to sympathise, don't probe. If you feel there is practical help you can offer, even if it's just meeting up for a coffee or a walk, then do.

If they don't bring it up, just make sure they know that you're there and always happy to have a chat if they want to.

cardibach · 14/08/2021 13:50

I wouldn’t know either, but maybe just turn up and be guided by her? As you say, she’ll know you know, so if she wants to talk about it she’ll bring it up. You could give a neutral opening like saying you’re sorry she’s having a tough t8me, maybe?

HollowTalk · 14/08/2021 13:50

I wouldn't be surprised if she cancels the meet up now. She'll have enough on her plate and probably won't want to confide in someone she hasn't seen for a long time.

Clocktopus · 14/08/2021 13:50

Just say you heard about her awful news, acknowledge that it must be a very difficult time for them all, and remind her that you can lend a shoulder to lean on if she needs it but equally if she doesn't want to talk about it then you understand.

pinkmoon18 · 14/08/2021 13:51

I wouldn't bring it up unless she does

Hexinthecity · 14/08/2021 13:53

She may well cancel as I’m sure she hardly knows whether she’s coming or going herself or how to handle the situation. If you want to support her then a brief message along the lines of, I’m so sorry about what you and your family are dealing with, I’m here for you anytime if you need to talk, looking forward to seeing you on x just let me know if there’s anything I can do in the meantime.

WeAreTheHeroes · 14/08/2021 13:54

Don't say anything that could be interpreted as judgemental. If she wants to talk, she'll talk.

pinkyredrose · 14/08/2021 13:55

How old is the child?

Plumtree391 · 14/08/2021 13:58

Don't mention it, Mrs Copperfield. If your friend brings it up, just listen sympathetically.

I thought children under a certain age were not named, or at least their names not allowed to be broadcast (there have been exceptions of course). Things will still get out locally.

Your friend must be going through Hell.

Zilla1 · 14/08/2021 14:04

@Plumtree391 her friend's adult child, perhaps?

Plumtree391 · 14/08/2021 14:11

[quote Zilla1]@Plumtree391 her friend's adult child, perhaps?[/quote]
I hadn't thought of that but, yes, of course it could be.

What a nightmare.

Poor woman.

2bazookas · 14/08/2021 14:13

You text her "see you on X" to confirm you're keeping the date.
When you arrive you give her a big hug and say " I'm so sorry about what you're going through. "

The rest is up to her. Either she lets it all out; or maybe she just wants an hour total escape from it all . Play it by ear.

Wobblz1 · 14/08/2021 14:15

Is her child in prison for it?

If so I would imagine she needs a friend more than ever, she'll be worrying about their well-being on top of trying to process what they've done.

BorderlineHappy · 14/08/2021 14:16

I wouldnt mention it,in case they think you agreed to meet up to get the gossip.

I would let them lead the conversation

Lalliella · 14/08/2021 14:17

I am in a similar situation. My friend’s DS has been charged with a offence which I know about because my DS is at the same school as him. I’ve met my friend a few times since I found out and she hasn’t mentioned it at all, and neither have I. If your friend want to talk to you about it she will, if not say nothing.

twinningatlife · 14/08/2021 14:19

I imagine this involves some kind of sexual crime against another child or possibly gang related crime (that poor father murdered the other day was killed by a 14 year old)

Assuming that the mother isn't standing by her child then she needs support - I would still meet with her but if she attempted to vocalise any sympathy or justification for the actions of her child I'd make it clear that you no longer wanted to continue the meet up

Original poster

MrsCopperfield · 14/08/2021 14:20

The child is 19.

I like the message suggestions from Hexinthe city and Clocktopus so will send something along those lines now. This might sound awful but I'm hoping my friend will cancel our meeting.

Thank you all. I feel a bit calmer about it now. I can't imagine what my friend is going through. This is going to be life changing for their whole family.

OP posts:

Original poster

MrsCopperfield · 14/08/2021 14:26

Wobblz1 There hasn't been a trial yet but I'm sure there will be a prison sentence.

2bazookas That is good wording. Thank you.

I don't imagine for a minute my friend will condone what the child has done but it is still their child after all.

If my friend doesn't mention it it will be very weird sitting there doing catch-up chit chat when all this is going on.

OP posts:

DoucheCanoe · 14/08/2021 14:30

I've had this with a friend recently - adult child is now in prison and was reported all over local news.

Tbh we've met up but neither of us have mentioned it, if she wants to talk about it she will. I just followed her lead and take it from there.

maddiemookins16mum · 14/08/2021 14:30

Your title is misleading, it’s your friend’s adult son.

Zilla1 · 14/08/2021 14:33

@Plumtree391 agreed and it took me a few goes to work it out. Your thought of a non-adult child reported under exceptional circumstances might have been the case too.

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