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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Child charged with horrific offense

119 replies

MrsCopperfield · 14/08/2021 13:43

I recently got back in touch with an old friend via Facebook. I have known this friend for my entire life but I haven't seen them for many many years, since I left home. We have had a few nice chats, and arranged to meet up next week as I am going back to my hometown to visit family.

I have just found out their child has been charged with a horrific crime. It was reported in the local news. The arrest happened after we made our arrangement to meet up.

I feel so bad for my friend and have no idea how to handle this. Assuming they don't cancel our meeting, what do I do/say? Do I mention it if they don't? They will surely know I have heard about it (it's a small town). I have never met the child in question. How do I support my friend? I have no idea what to do. Should I back away now? That sounds awful but the crime is one of the worst imaginable.

Please help with any suggestions.

OP posts:
Ponoka7 · 14/08/2021 16:23

@Plumtree391, the 19 year old in that case strangled his 15 year old sister. The parents most definitely need their friends.

If it was a situation were a child had been killed, I'd cancel to protect my own mental health. Anything else I would. She might need a completely neutral person who didn't know her son, to talk to.

Couchpotato3 · 14/08/2021 16:24

I think I would say nothing when meeting her, in case she just wants to escape from it all for an hour. The topic of children and what they are doing will probably crop up naturally in the conversation, and if she wants to say something she will. You could say something supportive as you say goodbye, but I definitely wouldn't open with it, or she might feel really awkward and feel forced to say more than she wants to. Let her take the lead.

mum11970 · 14/08/2021 16:25

Dear God I thought it was innocent until proven guilty. You’ve convicted her son for a crime he hasn’t even been to court for yet. She doesn’t need friends like you.

mynameisbrian · 14/08/2021 16:26

Thats tough but if it was me I would meet up and not mention it.

Earlydancing · 14/08/2021 16:26

@NCBlossom

Just read that you were once very good friends.

In that case I’d cancel with an excuse but be clear to her that you will definitely be in touch at another time and keep communication light and open. Then let her process it with people she knows without having to have the awkwardness of cancelling it herself. And knowing that you are there in the background to pick up after a few months. Often it is the long term when people drift off so that would be a better time and possibly more needed/appropriate.

But doesn't this risk the ops friend, who has done nothing wrong and who is looking forward to seeing the op, feel like the op is judging and rejecting her? Maybe ops friend would like to meet up and chat with someone different about different things. Ultimately maybe op should treat her friend as a grown up and let her cancel the meeting if she so wishes.
LowlandLucky · 14/08/2021 16:30

Your friends adult child has committed an offence, she is in no way responsible for that. I am sure she must be feeling like the whole world is talking abut her, meet her and let her take the lead.

Plumtree391 · 14/08/2021 16:35

@mum11970

Dear God I thought it was innocent until proven guilty. You’ve convicted her son for a crime he hasn’t even been to court for yet. She doesn’t need friends like you.
You are right about innocent until proven guilty. We also don't know if it is a son or daughter who committed the offence, just that it is a very serious offence. It's best not to speculate. I feel for the entire family.

(Thank you, Ponoka. A double tragedy for the parents in that case.)

Blossomtoes · 14/08/2021 16:39

@BrilliantBetty

If i'm being honest I'd probably cancel. This isn't a current friend, you haven't been in contact for years. Haven't met 19 year old child so you are very far from close. If he has been accused of murder, rape or something absolutely dreadful like that I think give it a wide berth. Not something I'd want to hear about or have any connection to. I wouldn't be supporting the mother of a rapist / murderer unless it was someone I had an established bond with and owed them my support and love. Nah. Walk away from this.
Please don’t do this. It’s awful to punish a woman for her adult child’s actions.
DameAlyson · 14/08/2021 16:40

that poor father murdered the other day was killed by a 14 year old

Allegedly. No-one has yet been tried and convicted.

AbsolutelyPatsy · 14/08/2021 16:46

we dont know what the 19 year old did,
i doubt it was involving his sister as the mum would be completed bereft

it may have been a drink driving offence and particularly if it make the local news rather than national

thenewduchessofhastings · 14/08/2021 16:46

Just be as supportive as you can.My friend is one of the loviest people you'll ever meet but unfortunately her then teenage son stabbed another teen and is now serving a prison sentence.

Those of us who know the family and know thé history of what happened with their son (it's very complicated);have been there to offer support.No doubt your friend will be distraught and very worried for her son's future.Just listen;don't offer advice;what's done is done.

FuckingFabulous · 14/08/2021 16:46

Once, someone who was close to me was charged with multiple sexual assaults. The friends who turned up and listened to me cry and process and rage and generally provided a safe space for me to do that were at my wedding a few years later. The ones who cancelled on me, talked shit about me, and made it harder haven't been spoken to since. If you're her friend, prove it. If you're not, piss off out of it now, before you add another layer of heartbreak. She's done nothing wrong

Lockdownbear · 14/08/2021 16:53

Turn up and don't mention it.
Who suggested the meet up?

If you, suggested meeting and mention it, it will look like you were fishing for gossip.

Are you sure it's her child and not just same name 🤔 it's not that unusual it have people with same or very similar names.

Yourstupidityexhaustsme · 14/08/2021 16:55

She’s your friend.

You meet her, you pretend you have no idea and don’t bring it up, if she chooses to bring it up, make no comment on whether you know or not and allow her to speak on it without judgement.

She’s your friend, she’s probably lost most of the people she considered friends either through embarrassment or scandal.

We had a trauma in the family and we lost so so many people we considered family/friends because most simply did not know what to say. Stand by her, she’s a victim too.

TheGumption · 14/08/2021 16:58

If it's a crime against a child I'd want to be well out of it to be honest.

fellrunner85 · 14/08/2021 17:09

If the child has been charged (ie not just arrested) with the "most horrific" crime then s/he will presumably in custody now, awaiting trial. They don't tend to bail people charged with the most serious of offences; meaning that the friend will be going through all sorts of hell at the moment with prison visits and so on.

If it were me, I'd meet up as planned, see if my friend raised it, and give her space to talk. I certainly wouldn't cancel. Sounds like she could use a friend right now; particularly one who is prepared to listen, withhold judgment, and not immediately jump to conclusions.

Dontwatchfootball · 14/08/2021 17:24

I think you need to acknowledge you know things must be hard for her right now, and that you are there for her. And then let her take the lead - she may need to talk it out, or she may need to opposite and to feel like she has a moment of normality in the middle of this traumatic experience. So many people avoid situations like this, which means that the blameless and grieving person (and she will be grieving the loss of her esteem of her son, his future, her expectations and hopes for him, and shocked and traumatized) is isolated when they have done nothing wrong. It may feel uncomfortable from time to time, but true friends put on their big girl pants and tolerate the discomfort. It wont kill you and it will mean the world to her.

2021V2 · 14/08/2021 17:27

@MrsCopperfield

Wobblz1 There hasn't been a trial yet but I'm sure there will be a prison sentence.

2bazookas That is good wording. Thank you.

I don't imagine for a minute my friend will condone what the child has done but it is still their child after all.

If my friend doesn't mention it it will be very weird sitting there doing catch-up chit chat when all this is going on.

Innocent until proven guilty.

If guilty, unless your friend is making excuses for her adult child, just be there for her.

Askingforfriend · 14/08/2021 17:28

I would text her something like "Still hoping to meet up on Thursday" and then "I heard the news, I'm sorry you are going through that"

and then she can decide whether to bring it up in person or not.

Plumtree391 · 14/08/2021 17:30

@TheGumption

If it's a crime against a child I'd want to be well out of it to be honest.
It still wouldn't mean the op's friend was guilty.

It's sad to think that perpetrators' families are somehow automatically tarred with the same brush. If you think about it, it could happen in any family, however nice and respectable.

I hope I would still be a friend to someone whose child had committed a serious offence - and not dwell on the offence or be nosy about it.

TheGumption · 14/08/2021 17:36

I wouldn't dwell or be nosy at all. I wouldn't want anything whatsoever to do with it.

Chloemol · 14/08/2021 17:40

I had similar. I didn’t mention it, nor did they. To this day 10 years later it’s not mentioned

Earlydancing · 14/08/2021 17:43

@Chloemol

I had similar. I didn’t mention it, nor did they. To this day 10 years later it’s not mentioned
Exactly. Bad things happen in people's lives. Friends can be a welcome distraction. Don't sack off your friend because of your discomfort.
Coyoacan · 14/08/2021 17:46

Her child could well be innocent. If he is, he wouldn't be the first or the last to be accused of a crime that he didn't commit. But if he is guilty, that does not mean that your friend, as his parent, did something wrong.

Mybestgirl · 14/08/2021 17:49

If neither of you say anything it’s going to be a HUGE elephant in the room. I would ask how she is, and say, ‘you’ll probably know I heard about X, I’m so sorry’ that gives her the opportunity to either say she doesn’t want to talk about it or open up to you. I really don’t think it can be left unsaid.