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AIBU?

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Original poster

Child charged with horrific offense

119 replies

MrsCopperfield · 14/08/2021 13:43

I recently got back in touch with an old friend via Facebook. I have known this friend for my entire life but I haven't seen them for many many years, since I left home. We have had a few nice chats, and arranged to meet up next week as I am going back to my hometown to visit family.

I have just found out their child has been charged with a horrific crime. It was reported in the local news. The arrest happened after we made our arrangement to meet up.

I feel so bad for my friend and have no idea how to handle this. Assuming they don't cancel our meeting, what do I do/say? Do I mention it if they don't? They will surely know I have heard about it (it's a small town). I have never met the child in question. How do I support my friend? I have no idea what to do. Should I back away now? That sounds awful but the crime is one of the worst imaginable.

Please help with any suggestions.

OP posts:
DriveMeCrazy1974 · 14/08/2021 15:15

@BrilliantBetty

If i'm being honest I'd probably cancel. This isn't a current friend, you haven't been in contact for years. Haven't met 19 year old child so you are very far from close. If he has been accused of murder, rape or something absolutely dreadful like that I think give it a wide berth. Not something I'd want to hear about or have any connection to. I wouldn't be supporting the mother of a rapist / murderer unless it was someone I had an established bond with and owed them my support and love. Nah. Walk away from this.
I hope nothing ever happens to your children that makes others treat you as you think it would be OK to treat this woman. When your child commits a crime, it's often the family that suffers the most. Families need support to, but they often don't get it. This leads to people feeling isolated at a time when they could really do with just knowing that somebody has got their back.

OP- I hope you do meet up with your friend if you feel able to. A mother being there for her child doesn't mean that she supports him or her in any way, it just means that they are her child and she's being a mum, whether she actually wants to or not.

Plumtree391 · 14/08/2021 15:16

In fairness to the op, she hasn't given details except that the woman's child is a nineteen year old and (unfortunately), nineteen year olds are up in court for serious crimes very often. Nobody could identify anyone from what has has said on here so I don't think deleting the thread is necessary.

I was browsing headlines earlier and found a case where a 19 year old has been charged with killing a fifteen year old at a holiday park in Wales; no details were given. I only mention that to illustrate that - it happens. I expect that person's parents are going through what the op's friend is currently experiencing. They will need their friends to rally round.

olidora63 · 14/08/2021 15:20

@BrilliantBetty….with views like yours I would give you a wide berth!

Original poster
MrsCopperfield · 14/08/2021 15:24

Are you worried about what people will think about YOU for meeting up with her?
Not at all. I don't live there any more and in fact I can't stand the small town mentality. That was one of the reasons I left.

However, you are right in saying I don't have any empathy for this situation. This is completely alien to me, and I can't pretend to understand what my friend is going through.

It will seem strange to talk about old times while all this is going on but if that will be helpful for my friend then I'm more than happy to do it.

OP posts:
spongedod · 14/08/2021 15:24

I wouldn't raise it and don't be surprised if she just uses your meet as a bit of normal and doesn't say anything to you either. You are not friends. she is a friend of years gone by who you are just about to reconnect with. Im sure she will have other people much closer to her that she has spoken to about this.

StarDrawers · 14/08/2021 15:27

@BorderlineHappy

I wouldnt mention it,in case they think you agreed to meet up to get the gossip.

I would let them lead the conversation

Yes this was my thought. If you say anything like "I'm here if you want to talk" it's going to come across a bit as if you want the gossip. Seeing as you haven't spoken to her for ages.

Let her lead.

StarDrawers · 14/08/2021 15:30

It will seem strange to talk about old times while all this is going on but if that will be helpful for my friend then I'm more than happy to do it. but that's what you were going to do anyway.

You can ask how she is and she'll make it clear if she wants to talk about it or not.

Plumtree391 · 14/08/2021 15:30

olidora63 Sat 14-Aug-21 15:20:27
@BrilliantBetty….with views like yours I would give you a wide berth!
...........
Too right. It's a strange attitude to hold

Mrs Copperfield:

It will seem strange to talk about old times while all this is going on but if that will be helpful for my friend then I'm more than happy to do it.
..........

Good for you, Mrs C! When you are with you you will find that she is quite normal and you will be too.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 14/08/2021 15:31

Unless she brings it up, I’d pretend I didn’t know.

Had similar in a group I used to meet up with now and then. Because one of them had evidently not wanted to mention one of their adult children, one of the others did a google. Turned out there had been a shocking offence, with a lengthy jail term to follow.

So no wonder she didn’t want to talk about it.

That was a few years ago and the rest of us still pretend we don’t know.

Plumtree391 · 14/08/2021 15:31

I meant 'when you are with 'her'', not 'when you are with 'you''.

Plumtree391 · 14/08/2021 15:33

DriveMeCrazy - that is a very kind and thoughtful post from you, with which I agree.

Frodogo · 14/08/2021 15:35

OP, I understand your reluctance, and it doesn't make you a bad person.

You haven't been in contact with this old friend for years and years, until only recently. It's not as though you're wishing to drop someone you're very close to and who could reasonably be expecting you to "be there".

I'd be surprised if she wanted to confide in you, since it doesn't sound as though you currently have that sort of friendship and have only recently been communicating much again.

It's not horrible to want to avoid the intense awkwardness and discomfort of not knowing what to say, how to act, etc., and it's also instinctive to want to put distance between ourselves and the worst kinds of crime, unless we owe it to someone, like a lifelong, very close friend, to stand beside them, be their sounding board, etc.

If we were only casual friends, I'd probably act as though I didn't know anything about it, and let her take the lead. It might help her to know that others aren't shunning her. However, if it turned out that she actually did want to talk about it and didn't accept that her child had committed a crime, I'd disengage, assuming I believed her child was guilty.

Abraxan · 14/08/2021 15:37

@maddiemookins16mum

Your title is misleading, it’s your friend’s adult son.
Most adults all refer to their sons and daughter's as 'their child/children' ime.
dapsnotplimsolls · 14/08/2021 15:38

I agree that you should still meet up and let her lead the conversation. She might need to reminisce and have her mind taken off what's happening.

Branleuse · 14/08/2021 15:40

I think if you dont have time in your life to potentially support someone going through a tough time then avoid. If you dont think youve got the skills to navigate this awkward situation then dont. Youre not forced to.
I know it sounds harsh but ive really had to.make a conscious effort to not take on new friemds that have a lot of drama going on, as i seem to attract them into opening up to me and i honestly dont have the resources emotionally anymore. I dont think people should be guilt tripped if they hsve boundaries about who they develop friendships with

70isaLimitNotaTarget · 14/08/2021 15:40

Your title is misleading, it’s your friend’s adult son.

If he has been accused of murder, rape or something absolutely dreadful

It doesn't say the child is a Male

Earlydancing · 14/08/2021 15:41

maddiemookins16mum

Your title is misleading, it’s your friend’s adult son

The title is accurate. It's your preconception that's wrong. Sons don't stop being sons because they're 19.

LitPearl · 14/08/2021 15:44

I'd ask her if she was ok. She didn't do the crime. I have a 15 year old son and I'm becomng increasingly aware that I have no control over him. I would be devastated if he committed a crime but I wouldn't deserve to be shunned for it.

rainbowunicorn · 14/08/2021 15:58

@maddiemookins16mum can you point us all to the post where the OP mentions that the child is male or are you just making stuff up?

olidora63 · 14/08/2021 15:59

@LitPearl

I'd ask her if she was ok. She didn't do the crime. I have a 15 year old son and I'm becomng increasingly aware that I have no control over him. I would be devastated if he committed a crime but I wouldn't deserve to be shunned for it.
This 100%
rainbowunicorn · 14/08/2021 16:00

@pinkyredrose where does OP mention that it is a male? Are you just jumping to conclusions?

NCBlossom · 14/08/2021 16:01

I would cancel if I were you.

It is different if it were someone you had kept up with over the years, or had some kind of connection / supportive thing already.

However diving in to someone’s life completely fresh, when you have had no connection for a number of years, into an extremely heavy situation - well I just can’t see it being good for you or her. If she tells you all, that’s a lot for someone who has become a stranger. Unhealthy. If she ignores it, that is a strain on you both.

I just wouldn’t see a time like this as a good time - for that parent - to meet up casually with someone from years ago. She needs someone who knows a bit about her currently, a counsellor, good friends, family or a big group of acquaintances in which to lose herself or distract herself. Not a one to one - just way too serious a time and not appropriate. Imho.

NCBlossom · 14/08/2021 16:05

Just read that you were once very good friends.

In that case I’d cancel with an excuse but be clear to her that you will definitely be in touch at another time and keep communication light and open. Then let her process it with people she knows without having to have the awkwardness of cancelling it herself. And knowing that you are there in the background to pick up after a few months. Often it is the long term when people drift off so that would be a better time and possibly more needed/appropriate.

HollowTalk · 14/08/2021 16:06

So you haven't seen this woman in the last 19 years, then, if you've never met her child?

I really doubt she's remembered she's supposed to be meeting you. Her life at the moment must be terrible.

AbsolutelyPatsy · 14/08/2021 16:19

she wont be in a good place so dont be surprised if she cancels.