Child charged with horrific offense

[MrsCopperfield]

I recently got back in touch with an old friend via Facebook. I have known this friend for my entire life but I haven't seen them for many many years, since I left home. We have had a few nice chats, and arranged to meet up next week as I am going back to my hometown to visit family.

I have just found out their child has been charged with a horrific crime. It was reported in the local news. The arrest happened after we made our arrangement to meet up.

I feel so bad for my friend and have no idea how to handle this. Assuming they don't cancel our meeting, what do I do/say? Do I mention it if they don't? They will surely know I have heard about it (it's a small town). I have never met the child in question. How do I support my friend? I have no idea what to do. Should I back away now? That sounds awful but the crime is one of the worst imaginable.

Please help with any suggestions.

I would meet up with her and let her guide me.
I would not bring it up on a public space, like a coffee shop or whatever. She may not want to burst into tears in front of others.
But I would invite her to mine or go to hers, and ask her how she is coping with it all.
I would not brush it under the carpet, or not meet up with her because of this.
Maybe text her that you have heard and ask how she is feeling?

I disagree with most. I'd meet her. She probably needs you.

I would also meet up with her if she didn't cancel. It's appalling that posters are inferring that blame somehow attaches to the parents for something that their offspring has done. So cruel when you imagine how terrible the parents will be likely feeling, to pile on with snubbing them and withdrawing when they need friends the most.

Often people who are going through a hard time like bereavement find that to their surprise, some close friends vanish and less close friends and acquaintances are the ones who actually provide support and empathy. It happens so often.

If you cry off now OP, your old friend might feel that you are withdrawing from her. I have no doubt whatsoever that other acquaintances and friends are doing just that now, so it's good you still intend to meet up with her if she wants that.

@Coyoacan

Her child could well be innocent. If he is, he wouldn't be the first or the last to be accused of a crime that he didn't commit. But if he is guilty, that does not mean that your friend, as his parent, did something wrong.

Once again, why the assumption that this is a male child we are talking about?

@Oblomov21

I disagree with most. I'd meet her. She probably needs you.

Most people have said to meet her and take her lead.

Your friend did nothing wrong.

If it’s the case I’m thinking of (which was in the national news about 2-3 weeks ago) then I doubt she will be feeling up to it.

I know of a case where a really popular lad was convicted of a serious offence. He had MH issues and had spiralled downwards. The last thing his family would have needed would have been to be ostracised.

I'd probably drop a text along the lines of, 'looking forward to seeing you - roll on Tuesday!' (or whenever). If it is a really small town, she will assume that you know.

I think your friend might need someone to talk to.

"If i'm being honest I'd probably cancel. "

"This might sound awful but I'm hoping my friend will cancel our meeting."

No-one's mentioned the fact that being charged doesn't necessarily mean he's guilty...

I mean, he may well be. I don't know the details. But it shouldn't be assumed.

You friend might be very well worrying over this. If she goes then will you bring it up, if she cancels will you be talking about her etc etc.

I would text her and confirm the meet and if she cancels or not let her know you are there to listen if she needs to talk. Making it clear it is her choice.

You say nothing. Maybe your friend would like to talk about something else. Maybe she thinks that as you no longer live in the area wont know. I would leave it completely up to her if she tells you or not.

She’s your long time friend. Go and let her lead the convo.

@Hexinthecity

She may well cancel as I’m sure she hardly knows whether she’s coming or going herself or how to handle the situation. If you want to support her then a brief message along the lines of, I’m so sorry about what you and your family are dealing with, I’m here for you anytime if you need to talk, looking forward to seeing you on x just let me know if there’s anything I can do in the meantime.

Love this x

@MrsCopperfield

I want to support my friend but have no idea what to do or say.

Don't say anything unless she brings it up, then offer yourself as a sounding board, if she asks direct advice, offer her your kindest offence.

I’d still meet, I’d acknowledge I know and take my lead from her
If she talks about it,I’d listen. If not raised I’d not query any further

The reason people are assuming the child is male is because the worst crimes, which OP has said this is (I.e. sexual abuse of children, rape, murder, sexual assault etc), are overwhelmingly committed by men. It's not as though there's a 50/50 chance and people are leaping to wild conclusions because they are man-haters.