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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Child charged with horrific offense

119 replies

MrsCopperfield · 14/08/2021 13:43

I recently got back in touch with an old friend via Facebook. I have known this friend for my entire life but I haven't seen them for many many years, since I left home. We have had a few nice chats, and arranged to meet up next week as I am going back to my hometown to visit family.

I have just found out their child has been charged with a horrific crime. It was reported in the local news. The arrest happened after we made our arrangement to meet up.

I feel so bad for my friend and have no idea how to handle this. Assuming they don't cancel our meeting, what do I do/say? Do I mention it if they don't? They will surely know I have heard about it (it's a small town). I have never met the child in question. How do I support my friend? I have no idea what to do. Should I back away now? That sounds awful but the crime is one of the worst imaginable.

Please help with any suggestions.

OP posts:
Darkchocolateandcoffee · 14/08/2021 14:33

The mum will need support from her friends and you are sounding judgmental already.

For her sake, I hope you cancel.

pinkyredrose · 14/08/2021 14:34

So it isn't a child. I'm guessing he's ben charged with rape?

LifesNotEnidBlyton · 14/08/2021 14:35

Just be careful and don't be surprised if she thinks you are saying you don't think her child is guilty or that he/she shouldn't be in trouble. Most people, mostly mothers, don't disown their child even for the worst things like rape and murder. So know what you're going to say if she does start trying to say her child isn't guilty, or that there's more to it than them just being guilty. Some people, if you live in a town where everyone knows everyone, might gossip about you still talking to your friend too.

Antwerpen · 14/08/2021 14:36

@twinningatlife

I imagine this involves some kind of sexual crime against another child or possibly gang related crime (that poor father murdered the other day was killed by a 14 year old)

Assuming that the mother isn't standing by her child then she needs support - I would still meet with her but if she attempted to vocalise any sympathy or justification for the actions of her child I'd make it clear that you no longer wanted to continue the meet up

The Mother can ‘stand by her child’ for goodness sake, doesn’t mean she condones their action Hmm
TheYearOfSmallThings · 14/08/2021 14:36

I wouldn't mention it, and if she mentions it I would stay neutral. The worse the act, the more likely the family is to deny guilt, make excuses, blame others, allege police misconduct.

Crinkle77 · 14/08/2021 14:37

@pinkmoon18

I wouldn't bring it up unless she does
This exactly!
worriedatthemoment · 14/08/2021 14:37

I wouldn't bring it up unless they do and they haven't actually been found guilty yet if no trial

HoppingPavlova · 14/08/2021 14:42

it’s your friend’s adult son.

Which is her friends child, the only confusion initially was that the title indicated it was her child but the OPs first post was clear.

I have adult kids and it’s something that’s odd, sometimes if I say ‘my child’ someone will say ‘oh, they are not a child’, but no idea what I’m meant to say or how that differs to me saying my son/daughter. It’s weird as even if you are 80 and they are 50 you would still refer to them as your child.

WeAreTheHeroes · 14/08/2021 14:45

There's no need to fish for details. The OP is looking to support her friend and asked for advice on that.

girlmom21 · 14/08/2021 14:46

Don't mention it. If she brings it up, remain neutral and respectful.

Mistyplanet · 14/08/2021 14:46

Whatever's happen you need to disconnect your friend from her son in your mind. Your friend is a separate individual and whatever her son has done as an adult is not her responsibility. You may not know the full story anyway. If you really cared for your friend you wouldn't cancel, cancelling could make her feel even worse than she already does. If you honestly can't face seeing her than do cancel but youll have to make up a good excuse.

illuyankas · 14/08/2021 14:48

If she mentions about it is up to her. You may have been close, but haven seen her for a while, so I don't know if she feels safe enough to confide.
I wouldn't mention it if she doesn't, and if she did, I would do my best to support her.

Lotusmonster · 14/08/2021 14:50

Families of offenders take a punishment too when a crime Is committed …Their loved one is incarcerated. They’ve not committed any crime. Meet her, assure her of your discretion and just listen if she wants to talk. It must be a dreadful nightmare for her.

olidora63 · 14/08/2021 14:55

@Hexinthecity is the best advice. Your friend really needs to know that she will be supported and not judged. This poor lady and family are going through a nightmare..remember it’s not their crime .

Turnthatlightoff · 14/08/2021 14:57

You're hoping she cancels as you don't want to face her so why don't you just cancel?
She will need her friends right now and not ones that are more concerned with their own feelings on the matter.

Plumtree391 · 14/08/2021 14:58

@Mistyplanet

Whatever's happen you need to disconnect your friend from her son in your mind. Your friend is a separate individual and whatever her son has done as an adult is not her responsibility. You may not know the full story anyway. If you really cared for your friend you wouldn't cancel, cancelling could make her feel even worse than she already does. If you honestly can't face seeing her than do cancel but youll have to make up a good excuse.
I agree.

Op, it will do your friend the power of good to meet up with someone normally and maybe talk about old times. Her adult child's crime is not her fault and it doesn't need to be mentioned by you. If she brings it up you can say you had heard about it but didn't want to say anything because you know how hard it must be for her. She will appreciate that.

The woman is the same person she always was and is going through a nightmare. I'm not going to 'fish' about the nature of the crime but if it is, say, murder, her child is going to be imprisoned for a very long time. She needs her friends.

Good luck.

AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 14/08/2021 14:58

Of course it was clear it was an adult’s crime. Children aren’t named in the media which is where OP saw it and consequently knew the link with her friend.

You’ve had some good advice here. That poor woman. It must be awful to be in this situation

BrilliantBetty · 14/08/2021 14:58

If i'm being honest I'd probably cancel.
This isn't a current friend, you haven't been in contact for years. Haven't met 19 year old child so you are very far from close.
If he has been accused of murder, rape or something absolutely dreadful like that I think give it a wide berth. Not something I'd want to hear about or have any connection to. I wouldn't be supporting the mother of a rapist / murderer unless it was someone I had an established bond with and owed them my support and love.
Nah. Walk away from this.

Earlydancing · 14/08/2021 14:59

I wouldn't bring it up in any way. She might just want a couple of hours with a friend talking about normal things. If she does want to talk about it, be non-commital and supportive. If you don't know what to say, tell her just that. That you don't know what to say but that you're there to listen to her and if there's anything you can do, she just has to say.

Earlydancing · 14/08/2021 15:00

@BrilliantBetty

If i'm being honest I'd probably cancel. This isn't a current friend, you haven't been in contact for years. Haven't met 19 year old child so you are very far from close. If he has been accused of murder, rape or something absolutely dreadful like that I think give it a wide berth. Not something I'd want to hear about or have any connection to. I wouldn't be supporting the mother of a rapist / murderer unless it was someone I had an established bond with and owed them my support and love. Nah. Walk away from this.
You're lovely.
MurielSpriggs · 14/08/2021 15:03

Bear in mind that people get charged for crimes they haven't committed, and get acquitted. There seems to be an underlying assumption that he did it, which isn't fair.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 14/08/2021 15:07

This might sound awful but I'm hoping my friend will cancel our meeting.

This is exactly what I was expecting you to say.

I feel sorry for your poor friend. She's going through hell but you don't have the balls or the empathy to support her. Are you worried about what people will think about YOU for meeting up with her?

It wasn't her that did something horrific.

Either step up and be a friend. Or cancel and be honest about why.

CharityDingle · 14/08/2021 15:10

I would still meet up.

I would expect this thread to be picked up by the tabloids, so to be fair to your friend, I would ask MN to delete it.

AnonymousA · 14/08/2021 15:12

You definitely need to contact her before you turn up. Your meeting may be the furthest from her mind if her son was arrested after you arranged it!

I’d text her and say you’ve heard what has happened and you understand if she wants to cancel but you would like to be there for her and help in any way (if you want to).

georgarina · 14/08/2021 15:13

I would ask her how she's feeling. If she wants to talk about it or not will then become clear.

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