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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To find eating out with my parents embarrassing and frustrating?

417 replies

NeonJellyBaby · 14/08/2021 12:28

My parents are both fussy eaters. Both are very ‘meat and two veg’ and traditional. DF is a nightmare to feed, although in fairness he admits it. DM on the other hand is marginally better, but still very picky and would hit the roof if you pointed out how limited her diet is. She has a made up ‘dairy allergy’. She isn’t allergic to it, she just doesn’t like cheese or butter, but as you can imagine that brings its own problems when eating out. She also doesn’t have any problems eating ice cream. So allergy my arse!

Eating out anywhere nice is a nightmare. They will only eat very bland stuff, British stuff nothing fancy. No creamy or spicy sauces. Think egg and chips, pie and chips, gammon and chips, fish and chips. But even then they will get funny if it’s too fancy and not traditional. DM will eat a curry but only the blandest one on the menu. If you go out for Sunday lunch they will reel off all the stuff they don’t want on their plate whilst ordering. Meat has to be cremated or it will be sent back.

A few years ago DB, SSIL and I took them out for a lovely meal for DF’s milestone birthday and they moaned about how fancy and rich it was and there wasn’t really much they liked on the menu (there was loads on the menu). It was an American style upmarket chain place, think Miller and Carter type price range.Food was amazing. It was mortifying.

DM has now asked me to go out to lunch with her today. Guess what? She’s already turned down an Italian place because ‘everything has cheese on it(no it doesn’t), a tapas place because cheese again (once again not everything has cheese on it because I fucking looked), she ‘doesn’t fancy’ Chinese and ‘doesn’t like Thai’.. Looks like it will be the Marstons two for one shit shoved in a microwave again place doesn’t it.. I’d say sod if and suggest McDonalds but she’d probably find fault with that as well.

I love them and want to spend time with them but honestly going anywhere with them is a fucking minefield. AIBU to find them a bit embarrassing?

OP posts:
worriedatthemoment · 14/08/2021 13:41

So just don't take them out for meals for special occasions to places you like
Surely if you take someone out for a meal you take them to something they enjoy
You can spend time with them on other ways
And really you sound snobby the way you have generalised all A certain type of pub
Wetherspoons isn't my choice of a great mea my friend likes it so if its her birthday we go there , if its mine I pick

WeAllHaveWings · 14/08/2021 13:42

I love them and want to spend time with them but honestly going anywhere with them is a fucking minefield. AIBU to find them a bit embarrassing?

I could live with a bit of fussiness, my Mum would give us a running commentary of the menu -

  • why don't they have any picked herring, I like herring, i'll ask if they have any
  • can't have X as it makes me belch
  • that gives me heartburn/wind
  • your dad cant have Y, it gave him diahorrea, Fred do you remember the last time (20 years ago) you had Y it was awful wasn't it, like water
  • your gran was ok with Y, it was Z that would repeat on her for hours after
  • won't have Z because it sticks in my teeth and im still eating it 2 hours later

After all that I never feel hungry and get accused of being picky!!

CoffeeRunner · 14/08/2021 13:42

@FortunesFave

I've no patience for snobbery and that's what this is.

I can't abide people judging others for having simple tastes. Leave them alone. If anyone's embarrassing it's you OP!

Exactly my feelings too.

A treat for your father is no treat if he doesn't like the restaurant you picked!

ddl1 · 14/08/2021 13:43

I would not be embarrassed. First of all, it's not you, it's your parents; and no one will blame you for their tastes. Secondly, a good restaurant should be used to accommodating fussy eaters, people with dietary restrictions and people of a variety of tastes. As someone with medical restrictions, I used to find it very difficult to find a restaurant where people would not look askance at me, but now it's very much easier.

People can ask for their meat to be well done (or as you put it 'cremated') and, in many restaurants, for the sauce to be omitted.

And your DM may indeed be to some degree lactose intolerant. Not the same as a true allergy, but could make one feel quite unwell. My mother was lactose intolerant and she could not drink milk or eat more than tiny amounts of cheese, but could eat some (not all) types of ice cream.

They should not moan loudly and publicly about the food; but otherwise, I think they have the right to avoid foods that they dislike. If you find this difficult to deal with in a 'good' restaurant, perhaps a more relaxed meal in a cafe or pub might work better?

dreamingofsun · 14/08/2021 13:43

just like my PIL. Dont let them choose as they will take you to a dive.....or at least ours do.

Daisy829 · 14/08/2021 13:43

My in laws are like this (& my dh to a certain extent) We tend to stick to pubs. Lots of nice ones to choose from that aren’t harvester or brewers fayre types.

Flyinggeese1 · 14/08/2021 13:44

OP is it an option to just not go for lunch at all and just catch up over a coffee mid afternoon instead?

Nc123 · 14/08/2021 13:46

Why not just find something else to do with them that doesn’t involve eating? It sounds like neither of you enjoy it.

Otherwise, just take them where they want to go, otherwise it’s hardly a treat for them.

I sound unsympathetic but I don’t mean to. My mum is very anxious about food - there’s so much she won’t eat and she’s frightened of being given more than she can finish (it happened a lot when she was a child and she was punished for it). Sometime before COVID hit she was worrying about a work outing she had to go on, in case there was nothing on the menu she felt able to eat. It was an absolute game changer for her when I suggested that she could just order a side salad and ask for a plain grilled chicken breast with it. I used to get irritated with how “fussy” and “awkward” she was in restaurants but once I reframed it to myself as “frightened” or “anxious” i felt much more sympathetic.

2bazookas · 14/08/2021 13:47

What is wrong with you?

If you're going out for a meal with DP's, just pick a place that you all know caters for their limited tastes .

HollowTalk · 14/08/2021 13:47

I'd say, "I was going to take you out for dinner but know you're fussy buggers you have a lot of allergies, so wondered if you'd like the money instead? I'd rather hand over the cash than go through a meal like that.

PurpleVerbena · 14/08/2021 13:49

OP, I really do think you are being a bit unfair. I am probably of a similar age to your parents and I have a long list of foods which I cannot eat for one reason or another - mostly gastric-related. You would hate to eat a meal with me as I don't eat red meat, shellfish, onions, most spices, garlic, pasta, peas, most salad, Chinese food, Indian food, Thai food, Japanese food to name a few. It is not a fad or being fussy, these things physically upset my guts.

debwong · 14/08/2021 13:50

@NeonJellyBaby

If we left them to choose the venue it would always end up being one of those awful, grubby Marston’s or Brewers Fayer places with sticky tables and kids running around screaming. I’d rather go to McDonalds, at least the food is freshly cooked! But then DM is picky about what goes on her burger there as well..
McDonalds is freshly cooked? Confused
notanothertakeaway · 14/08/2021 13:50

I know someone who has a food intolerance to yoghurt, but can eat other dairy foods

Sn0tnose · 14/08/2021 13:53

But when I go out to eat I like to eat proper, honest to god food.

But they don’t. So why are you all putting yourselves through this misery? It can’t be fun for any of you.

Etinox · 14/08/2021 13:53

OP isn’t mocking. She’s fed up at having to eat crap. It’s strange that they’re so fixated on eating out when they don’t like it.

Branleuse · 14/08/2021 13:54

cant you just let them choose the venue and then you find something you like on it. If you want to go for more interesting meals, then dont go with your parents.

category12 · 14/08/2021 13:57

Dunno why you're making it an issue - you know what they're like so why get annoyed when they are - themselves?!

Why on earth would you take them to a fancy restaurant for a meal for your DF's birthday - it clearly wasn't for his sake, as you know perfectly well he's not into food in that way. You didn't really put thought into what he would actually like and enjoy, just did what you wanted and then get shitty because neither of them liked it much.

BigSandyBalls2015 · 14/08/2021 13:58

My in laws aren’t fussy, they’ll eat most things (they’re in their 80s), but MIL does like to have a lot of influence over what FIL orders!

Our last meal out he chose lamb shank ... “ooh don’t have that love, you had that last Wednesday, have the gammon, you love gammon” ... and on it goes, painful.

They are lovely people but it’s embarrassing.

GlutenFreeGingerCake · 14/08/2021 14:01

My mum is an educated woman who will eat a lot of different foods and enjoys watching Masterchef but I can tell she is still happier in an everyday restaurant than a "fancy" one where you have to mind your manners. It's the laidback atmosphere she likes, I think and the predictable menu that is easy to choose from. She does like an afternoon tea though.

ancientgran · 14/08/2021 14:03

That’s really not the same at all. Your not liking football doesn’t really impact on others does it?

Not sure how fair it is for you to judge as you have some set ideas of your own, Brewer's Fayre aren't all sticky tables and kids running round. We have one locally and people with children sit in an area with soft play and machines and the tables are clean. No children running round the rest of the tables.

I'm not allergic to dairy but I can't eat cheese as it triggers migraines. I'm sure that must annoy people but I'm not having a migraine to suit them.

worriedatthemoment · 14/08/2021 14:03

@PurpleVerbena I am finding as I get older certain foodsI liked don't agree with me and my nan who is 87 can't eat a lot of foods she used to love as they just don't agree with her now and she gets upset stomachs very easily

ancientgran · 14/08/2021 14:04

@Etinox

OP isn’t mocking. She’s fed up at having to eat crap. It’s strange that they’re so fixated on eating out when they don’t like it.
And yet she loves KFC and McDonalds.
twilightcafe · 14/08/2021 14:05

YABU for letting this bother you. They are never going to change their ways.
Let them choose the restaurant, and stop wasting your money taking them to restaurants where they hate the food.

70isaLimitNotaTarget · 14/08/2021 14:05

Surely this is just the elderly version of all those people who are vegans or have food intolerances

My DParents are very much plain food , which is fine . We knew curries or sauces weren't them.
My Dad couldn't abide butter or cream and I grew up having neither , even now I cannot stomach butter . Reading threads where people post about toast and lashings of Lurpack makes me queasy .

My DMum had a 'dairy intolerance' (she decided) . I made her a cake with vegan margarine (her request) . We went out for dinner she had apple pie and ice-cream (proper full cream milk ice-cream)
She said Oh I eat a raw apple after , stops the side effects Hmm

I would just avoid going out for meals with them Grin

Lunificent · 14/08/2021 14:05

I would go exactly where they want to go and do it rarely. See it as an act of charity or ‘love bombing’.

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