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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu to find this unfaithful man (and his other woman)so infuriating

148 replies

User909537 · 13/08/2021 14:32

Okay I'm going to try and be as concise as possible without being too outing.

I am know the general consensus on MN is to stay out of these type of problems but it is honestly making me feel guilty by association and I just feel so sorry for this mans wife.

So the man in question hugely successful business man, hands in many pies so to speak and a real charmer.
His wife who owns 50% of the businesses and assets is one of the loveliest people I know.
He is where he is because of her, absolutely 100%.

For the past 4 months or so he has been having an affair with an employee who is recently out of a relationship. She knows he is married as the mans wife is also her boss and we live in a really small town. If you think of the film hot fuzz it is a lot like that
He spends one evening a week there always the same night as he can legitimately be away. I know this but ( I'll be vague here as way too outing). They never go out and cover the car with a sheet.

What is really starting to bother me is that since she has been having an affair with this man she has a car worth around 6 times the amount of the car she had initially, she has been given an expenses card (again I can't say how I know this but I do) and she doesn't have a job within the company that requires a car or expense account. Far from it.
Yet the manager has made cuts to some of the small perks the company had because of losses since covid
Yet his bit on the side is driving around in a 70k brand new car.

I think the main thing that bothers me is that I know his wife and she is just so genuinely lovely.
I saw her the other week and she was upset that her and her husband couldnt go to an event they have gone to annually as he was so busy with work.
He did in fact go but took the other woman.

I feel like his wife is not only being cheated on but is essentially paying the wages of her husbands mistress (well 50% of them)

My DH thinks I'm silly to let it bother me but I cannot help it.
Aibu?

OP posts:

Original poster

User909537 · 13/08/2021 22:12

I'm torn
I can see the benefits of the discreet postbox method.
However, I keep thinking if it were me I would want to ask more questions before I approached dh.

I think I might casually say next time I see her.
I keep seeing your DH by my house. Are you thinking of moving over here or something along those lines. Or something less obvious.

Or might just mention how his car makes me jump as it is so loud when it comes past.
Oh I dunno. It is difficult.

OP posts:

Believer99 · 13/08/2021 22:18

Stay out of it.

I absolutely would NOT want to know if it was my husband. Ignorance is bliss to some.

Dont poke around in peoples private lives you do not know the ins and outs of.

DrSbaitso · 13/08/2021 22:20

[quote Dontwatchfootball]@DrSbaitso - I think you misread my post. Not that OP would not able to live with telling, but that she did not want to do it in person. Most people cheated on say they would want to know what is happening. And OP has said she feels bad for the mans wife and feels she should know. But she does not want to be the bearer of bad news, which no one can blame her for, as she likes this woman and wants to stay in contact. I would not usually say to do something anonymously but in this situation I think it would be ok.[/quote]
Ok, I misread "live with yourself", thanks for the clarification. Don't know what on earth OP is doing that means she can't live with herself just fine, though.

But anonymous tip offs are low. Better to just not get involved at all than give the wife an alert that she can't assess, has no idea where it's coming from or why, how much she should trust it or how to decide. If you think it's your business enough to get involved, it's your business enough to take whatever flak you think will come your way. Dropping a bomb, protecting only yourself and telling yourself it's an act of altruism is horrible. If you know it's going to be so painful that you can't bear it, and it's not even your situation, then what makes you think it's your place to inflict it on others?

QueenBee52 · 13/08/2021 22:20

@User909537

I'm torn I can see the benefits of the discreet postbox method. However, I keep thinking if it were me I would want to ask more questions before I approached dh.

I think I might casually say next time I see her.
I keep seeing your DH by my house. Are you thinking of moving over here or something along those lines. Or something less obvious.

Or might just mention how his car makes me jump as it is so loud when it comes past.
Oh I dunno. It is difficult.

Yes.. that could work.. feign ignorance etc ..

take your time and do whats right for you too OP 🌺

Snaketime · 13/08/2021 22:24

Not RTFT so don't knownif this has been mentioned but could you point her in the right direction to find out herself. Tell her you are worried about accounts or that something doesn't seem to added up because xyz?

DrSbaitso · 13/08/2021 22:27

@User909537

I'm torn I can see the benefits of the discreet postbox method. However, I keep thinking if it were me I would want to ask more questions before I approached dh.

I think I might casually say next time I see her.
I keep seeing your DH by my house. Are you thinking of moving over here or something along those lines. Or something less obvious.

Or might just mention how his car makes me jump as it is so loud when it comes past.
Oh I dunno. It is difficult.

Honestly, OP, if you do decide to tell her then just tell her what you're obviously trying to tell her. I don't mean you shouldn't be tactful about it, but going all Hercule Poirot about it is likely to mess with her head. If she does want to know more, you'll have to tell her about the ridiculous sheet and bins stuff and it'll just be so obvious that you're trying to tell her while maintaining plausible deniability in case you basically get called on it. There'll be nothing plausible about it.

If you don't have conclusive proof of an affair then you might want to consider telling her at all. But if you do, just find a gentle and diplomatic way of telling her what you've seen, and no more. No sodding anonymous messages that will fuck with her and cause pain to everyone but you, no cryptic clues so you can pretend this totally wasn't what you meant it it goes tits up. Just be honest and tell her what you know and only what you know. Don't insult her intelligence.

MimiSunshine · 14/08/2021 07:25

@User909537

I'm torn I can see the benefits of the discreet postbox method. However, I keep thinking if it were me I would want to ask more questions before I approached dh.

I think I might casually say next time I see her.
I keep seeing your DH by my house. Are you thinking of moving over here or something along those lines. Or something less obvious.

Or might just mention how his car makes me jump as it is so loud when it comes past.
Oh I dunno. It is difficult.

Somehow engineer the conversation on to cars. Your DH is into them, say something like “DH is thinking of changing his soon, probably just another X but his dream would be a Y like ‘cheating husbands’ car. In his dreams lol. Besides I’m not sure I could get used to how loud it is. When ‘Dave’ drives up our road on a Wednesday, I swear it sounds like a jet engine go by my kitchen’

Then hopefully she’ll ask what do you mean about Wednesdays. Then just tell her youve seen him go past quite a few Wednesdays around 5ish and can always hear the car.

Nc123 · 14/08/2021 08:29

The trouble with dropping hints is that she might not pick up on them. After all, so her husband drives down your road once a week - if she confronts him with that there will be a plausible excuse.

I’d tell her clearly that I think there’s something going on - sheets, bins, expensive cars, going to the event but with the OW - but say it as sensitively as I could. Put the facts in her hands and let her decide what she needs to do. Don’t lose sight of the fact that their marriage might accommodate affairs - but in case it doesn’t, at least she has the facts.

Hugoslavia · 14/08/2021 09:20

I thought that you were talking about Matt Hancock to start off with.

Hugoslavia · 14/08/2021 09:24

Could you casually drop him in it by mentioning him going to the sporting event.

Looubylou · 14/08/2021 10:51

Hi OP, either tell her in a respectful way or don't do it at all. Respectful means no anonymous messages, no hints, no trying to engineer situations. Just tell her the facts as you have seen them.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 14/08/2021 11:28

How many more validations do you need to do what you feel so very strongly about? If I feel strongly about something, I think then act. I don't need to start a thread about it.

You are enjoying the drama, OP, and living it out on a chatboard. Sad.

Do it or don't do it. Sorted.

happinessischocolate · 14/08/2021 11:40

Send her a letter saying what you know and can prove.

If she believes it and splits with him and is annoyed that you didn't tell her, you can then prove it was you that told her.

If she doesn't believe it or do anything about it then there's no fall out for you.

Balonzette · 14/08/2021 12:25

Tell her, anonymously. If they suspect you just deny deny deny.

LanaDelBoy · 14/08/2021 12:55

@Balonzette

Tell her, anonymously. If they suspect you just deny deny deny.

No, because then the big drama becomes 'who is the mysterious anonymous note-sender?' rather than 'your husband is cheating on you'. It'll be a diversion he can use to his advantage.

Just be up front, say it's awkward and you feel horrible, these are the facts, and I won't talk about it again unless you would like me to.

DrSbaitso · 14/08/2021 15:38

@Balonzette

Tell her, anonymously. If they suspect you just deny deny deny.

And presumably you don't like cheaters because they are dishonest and cause pain?

Betsythecheshirecat · 14/08/2021 17:32

You need to tell her. Present the facts. You don't need to say "your husband is having an affair with Jill from work".

You can preface it with," I've noticed some odd things, every Wednesday David drives past my house to Jill's and they hide his car under a bedsheet before going inside".

This is the bit that you have first hand experience of unless you saw him and Jill at the sporting event. You don't need to go into details about fruit platters being cancelled.

I'd make a note of the times and days and leave that with her. I would find this so difficult to do, especially when others have commented about her maybe already knowing / they have an arrangement / she wouldn't want to know because of the upheaval it may cause.

I'd assure her you haven't told anyone else and understand if she doesn't want to talk about it again, it might all be perfectly innocent blah blah blah.

Difficult position op. I don't envy you.

QueenBee52 · 14/08/2021 19:27

Yes the Messenger 'usually' gets shot 🙁

DrSbaitso · 15/08/2021 08:07

And messengers have been sent to deliver a communication from someone else. Not sure what it is when you've decided to set up the event yourself but it would be decent to take responsibility for your own decision.

LadyEloise1 · 19/08/2021 17:46

@User909537
Was he at his gf's house again this week ?
If I were his wife I would like to know.

QueenBee52 · 19/08/2021 21:10

[quote LadyEloise1]@User909537
Was he at his gf's house again this week ?
If I were his wife I would like to know.[/quote]

me too tbh 🌸

QueenBee52 · 27/08/2021 21:04

@User909537

what did you decide to do 🌸

GreenBiro · 27/08/2021 21:17

Stay out of it.
Decide whether you really want to work for such a duplicitous waste of space.
She’ll find out either way.

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