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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to find this unfaithful man (and his other woman)so infuriating

148 replies

User909537 · 13/08/2021 14:32

Okay I'm going to try and be as concise as possible without being too outing.

I am know the general consensus on MN is to stay out of these type of problems but it is honestly making me feel guilty by association and I just feel so sorry for this mans wife.

So the man in question hugely successful business man, hands in many pies so to speak and a real charmer.
His wife who owns 50% of the businesses and assets is one of the loveliest people I know.
He is where he is because of her, absolutely 100%.

For the past 4 months or so he has been having an affair with an employee who is recently out of a relationship. She knows he is married as the mans wife is also her boss and we live in a really small town. If you think of the film hot fuzz it is a lot like that Grin
He spends one evening a week there always the same night as he can legitimately be away. I know this but ( I'll be vague here as way too outing). They never go out and cover the car with a sheet.

What is really starting to bother me is that since she has been having an affair with this man she has a car worth around 6 times the amount of the car she had initially, she has been given an expenses card (again I can't say how I know this but I do) and she doesn't have a job within the company that requires a car or expense account. Far from it.
Yet the manager has made cuts to some of the small perks the company had because of losses since covid
Yet his bit on the side is driving around in a 70k brand new car.

I think the main thing that bothers me is that I know his wife and she is just so genuinely lovely.
I saw her the other week and she was upset that her and her husband couldnt go to an event they have gone to annually as he was so busy with work.
He did in fact go but took the other woman.

I feel like his wife is not only being cheated on but is essentially paying the wages of her husbands mistress (well 50% of them)

My DH thinks I'm silly to let it bother me but I cannot help it.
Aibu?

OP posts:
Anordinarymum · 13/08/2021 15:32

If you like his wife so much then why would you stand by and watch her life crumble. Not only that if she were a friend of mine I would want her to know before the entire neighborhood does and make her a laughing stock.
And in the end she would wonder how much you already knew and for how long and what kind of a friend does this?

EllieStartingOver · 13/08/2021 15:33

I think the right thing to do is to tell her, especially so she can protect herself financially.

Yes she may not want to continue your friendship, but it’s still the right thing to do.

Anordinarymum · 13/08/2021 15:33

@User909537

Yes as I say

I run the risk of the wife being pissed off with me either way but ultimately I would rather her be angry with me for telling her than for keeping it from her.

I saw OW in sainsburys today. I don't think she knows I know and she mentioned her boss at least 3 times in a 5 minute chat.

It's all very incestuous and a bit too cosy
Original poster
User909537 · 13/08/2021 15:35

I know her as we have similar interests. Similar age etc
Not best friends but I definitely feel like I need to tell her.

And with regards to the OW being nice I meant in general before I knew all this. Like I didn't think she would ever do something like this.
My opinion has changed drastically since then.

OP posts:
SW1amp · 13/08/2021 15:36

In a small town, it would be absolutely humiliating to not only find out an absolute cheating scumbag your husband is but to know everyone else knew but you

I agree with @Warsawa31 - let her know where she can find him and the car on that night and tell her that it isn’t yet common knowledge but she ought to know before the whole town knows

Original poster
User909537 · 13/08/2021 15:36

Not at all @Anordinarymum it is just a small place and all 3 of us are of similar ages with DC of similar ages. I know them both, the wife marginally better due to a shared hobbie.

OP posts:
Bollocks989 · 13/08/2021 15:42

I think share, 1:1 and quietly with wife.

Original poster
User909537 · 13/08/2021 15:42

And to the pp who mentioned the sporting event.

That is exactly what made me feel like I need to do something
She said after this rubbish year she was looking forward to it and felt sorry for her DH as he was snowed under with work when I knew they had gone together. I just felt so gutted for her.
That and she is effectively paying for her wages.

I'm not worried about my job being impacted at all as I don't work there.

OP posts:
Potpourri23 · 13/08/2021 15:45

She needs to know, sooner rather than later. You are in a tricky situation because people don't take kindly to being told they're being cheated on so she may well shoot the messenger. But if you send an anonymous email (which would take 5 minutes to set up) she may eventually guess that was you. It depends how many other people know about it.

HollowTalk · 13/08/2021 15:55

Oh I thought you worked there. If you don't then it's a simple solution: tell the woman. Why on earth would she be angry with you? You've found out she's being cheated on and financially ripped off and you're telling her asap.

I'd phone her up and ask if she could meet somewhere quiet that's outside of the local area (given everyone knows everyone else's business.) Do it today; it's very likely he'll be seeing the OW over the weekend.

Thenose · 13/08/2021 15:55

In this case, I'd speak to her directly and tell her what I know so that she can decide what to do next.

I wouldn't send her an anonymous note: further secrecy might amplify the devastating effects of her husband's gaslighting.

And for goodness sake, don't tell anyone else! What terrible advice.

Original poster
User909537 · 13/08/2021 16:00

Yes I agree. My db is very much a let someone else sort it out kind of guy.

He won't be seeing the ow over the weekend as I assume he has no excuse.
It is always one specific weekday.

OP posts:
ChikiTIKI · 13/08/2021 16:02

Have you any proof they went to the sporting event together? Surely just sending that to the wife will be all she needs to see.

Original poster
User909537 · 13/08/2021 16:04

And in a nutshell
I was worried about comeback on me (not violent or anything) more because it is such a small place and everyone thinks the sun shines out of his arse as he is so successful.
People seem to really look up to him. Weirdly so.

So I was worried all his super fans would be shitty with me and I would rather avoid that as I like a simple life. But I think telling the wife outweighs the concerns of me feeling a little uncomfortable on the school run.

OP posts:
Original poster
User909537 · 13/08/2021 16:06

No proof just saw them arriving back.

OP posts:
HarrietOh · 13/08/2021 16:12

Loads of people will say 'stay out of it.'

However, I find it absolutely mortifying and embarrasing that everyone at my ex-DH work knew he was having an affair at work and no one told me. I would rather have known much earlier!

Wheretobuy · 13/08/2021 16:12

Whatever you do, make sure you share the evidence of these expenses with the wife. This will give her undeniable evidence and will put her on alert to save her half of the business.

Dixiechickonhols · 13/08/2021 16:14

I’d tell her as you not anonymously. By message. Then she can think. The I’d like some one to tell me angle. It could easily have come out in conversation when she said it was a shame we couldn’t go to ‘sports event’ this year. I think I’d send something like after our conversation last week I felt I had to message. I’d want someone to if it was me. Brian did go to the races but with Brenda. He has been staying at her house each Friday too. If you want to talk please call or message me.

betrayedandwobbly · 13/08/2021 16:17

I didn't shoot my messenger

I was glad that they were the only person in the whole sorry mess who treated me as a grown up and who didn't think it was right to assist DH's affair. The wife being the last to know is one of the shittiest places to be in

longwayoff · 13/08/2021 16:19

I've lived in a small town and the things that shocked me, Londoner, were the vast amount of drug taking, that everyone seemed to have shagged everyone else at some point and that it was practically impossible to do anything at all without at least 6 people remarking on it by the end of the day. If she's your friend tell her before someone else does.

Peach01 · 13/08/2021 16:28

Is he funding the OW through the company? That adds another layer if so as it's also his wife's company. Disgraceful.

What a greasy man. He must feel untouchable.

bananafish · 13/08/2021 16:30

It sounds as though it will all come out soon enough. You can’t possibly be the only person that has noticed.

I’d stay out of it so that you can be there for your friend when it all falls apart, without her having to deal with you as the whistleblower. If she asks, you could always that you just weren’t sure . enough to say something, or something like that

She will need you much more in the future as a friend than being the messenger of bad news.

Original poster
User909537 · 13/08/2021 16:30

I like the going in from the " I was thinking about our conversation last week" angle.
Think I'll do that.

And yes I'm from a big city and I found moving to a small town quite a shock to the system.

OP posts:
Wheretobuy · 13/08/2021 16:32

@User909537

I like the going in from the " I was thinking about our conversation last week" angle. Think I'll do that.

And yes I'm from a big city and I found moving to a small town quite a shock to the system.

Please do it OP. She will appreciate it if you provide evidence.
BitterTits · 13/08/2021 16:32

Ugh. I would want to know and I'd want to be able to talk it over.

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