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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To 'unbridesmaid' my sister?

122 replies

LlamaTime · 13/08/2021 12:26

NC as too scared to post under my regular username in AIBU but have been around a while.

I plan on getting married next year and have a real dilemma regarding who to have as my bridesmaids, complicated by the fact that when I got engaged three years ago I already asked people. The wedding was delayed twice in early planning stages due to covid and since then I have badly fallen out with my sister. She has said horrible things to and about me and we haven been very low contact since the start of Lockdown 1 (so some 18 months). Despite living close we don't speak bar a few civilities at parents' birthdays, christmas and the like. She has form for making everything about her and putting me down - I just really don't want her to be there while I get ready and I don't want her to have a big part to play. She will be invited, however. The problem is she will still fully expect to be part of the wedding party, and my parents and brother will be furious and think I am being a total dick if I cut her from the bridesmaid list, and I don't want the drama. Brother and Father in particular always take her side.

Original plan was to have four (bear with me, details relevant):

Friend A (best friend, has two DDs aged 3 and 5)
Friend B (childhood friend, one DD aged 4)
Sister (no DC)
Friend C (no DC, has moved abroad so would come only for wedding itself)

I officially asked Friends A, Friend B and Sister to be bridesmaids 3 years ago. Once drunkenly told Friend C she would be one when I got married, but it was before getting engaged and so hypothetical. Here is how I see my options:

Option 1
Have all 4 - suck up that I don't want sister as part of it, avoid all drama. (would maybe be a bit strange as to avoid having to cancel if restrictions come back we have a small wedding - this would be all the women my age!)

Option 2
Have Friend A and Friend B, on basis that they are my closest friends. Accept the drama and upset to family, although it might ruin the day. Perhaps slightly offend friend C (I would explain reasoning to her and she would understand)

Option 3
No bridesmaids. Declare I am too old for it and wedding is small anyway. Have Friend A and Friend B's kids as bridesmaids / ushers / ring bearer (alongside my own 2 DC). Have Friend A be a witness, Friend B do a reading. (Is it too far to buy them bridesmaid dresses to match their DDs??) Perhaps disappoint friend A and B who are looking forward to being bridesmaids, upset family a bit but not as much since not singling sister out.

Option 4
Have friend A, B and C, not sister (I don't think this is a real option - as I said, she would be the only woman of our age not included, too harsh and too much drama).

As I only have two voting options let's say:

YABU - Yes of course you have to suck it up and have sister, you asked her and you can't go back on it. Plus avoids all the drama. Go for option 1.

YANBU - it's fine to not have sister be a bridesmaid since you are very low contact (would love to hear if you think option 2 or 3 is best - or perhaps another suggestion!)

I know I sound really spoilt and this is a non-problem in the grand scheme of things but I really just want to decide and move on.

OP posts:

SmokeyDevil · 13/08/2021 12:29

I'd either go 2 or 4, but I suppose that depends on why you fell out?

Eralos · 13/08/2021 12:36

Your wedding your rules do what you want

Original poster

LlamaTime · 13/08/2021 12:38

It was covid related - she had a party for her birthday and I didn't go because it was against the rules (she had been going through some stuff so throwing this party was important to her). She got offended I didn't go. The next day she came round to our parents' house when I was round (this was allowed at the time, and she knew I was there) and she went mental when I told her I didn't want her to be there since she'd been mixing with all her friends the previous day. She went on this rant calling me all these names and badmouthing me to the whole wider family. Haven't had a relationship since.

OP posts:

30degreesandmeltinghere · 13/08/2021 12:40

Just have all the little ones.. Lot less pressure and a lot less material costs for dresses!!

DowntonCrabby · 13/08/2021 12:42

If it’s a small wedding have none or one best friend.
Or could you have DF’s DC as flower girls instead of any bridesmaids?

Holly60 · 13/08/2021 12:42

In my honest opinion I would avoid upsetting your sister over this. She is your family and no matter how you feel now, you may regret it in the future if you do this now - you don’t have a crystal ball so you don’t know what the future holds, I wouldn’t burn bridges now.

So as I see it your options really are to have none, have all, or just have the children.

If you just had the children you could ask them to get ready with you, and then you’d really need their mums to be in the same place to supervise, wouldn’t you?

Dishwashersaurous · 13/08/2021 12:46

Have three young flower girls. Then the mums have to be involved and probably even walk them down the aisle, but will not officially be bridesmaids.

Then you can tell your sister that you are not having any adult bridesmaids but your friends can still be involved

DisplayPurposesOnly · 13/08/2021 12:47

Option C. Just your children as bridesmaids/page boys. Friends as witness/reader.

Disclaimer - I'm not keen on multiple bridesmaids unless you're having a royal wedding

Eaumyword · 13/08/2021 12:48

Just have flower girls/ring bearers.
Explain you'd rather keep it lower key like that.
Everyone else can attend as guests.
Explain to your friends-surely they would understand and be supportive.

INeedtobealone · 13/08/2021 12:48

Option 3. No adult bridesmaids, only kids.

Couldhavebeenme2 · 13/08/2021 12:49

How about just your own dc?

I had a small wedding with no bridesmaids, and I'm not a fan of 'mummy' bridesmaids who will likely and understandably be distracted both before and on the day by the legitimate needs of their families over the bride.

Dsis sounds like someone I'd be considering not inviting at all, never mind rescinding the bridesmaid role.

Is friend C going to be able to commit sufficiently as she's abroad?

Just have your own dcs.

Feetupteashot · 13/08/2021 12:50

Chat to your adult bridesmaid mates, expect they'd be happy more than happy to have flowers girls / boys and not bridesmaid themselves.

Original poster

LlamaTime · 13/08/2021 12:50

Oh @Holly60 @Dishwashersaurousthis is a very good idea. I hadn't really thought through how invovled the friends would be with such little DC, and that they could come down the isle too and get ready with me.

Also the ages I gave are the ages they will be when the wedding takes place, when I first got engaged the DC would have been too little or not born! So they weren't an original option, iyswim, and I can maybe say now I do have the option of little flowergirls I've gone with that.

OP posts:

FeckTheMagicDragon · 13/08/2021 12:52

Do you friends know the situation with your sister? If so ask them if it’s ok just to have their kids as flower girls/page boys and ask them to be unofficial bridesmaids?

Apeirogon · 13/08/2021 12:52

I like option 3.

Ponoka7 · 13/08/2021 12:52

Option 3. The adults should be in complimenting dresses, not matching. As said they will be helping their children down the isle, so will still be as big a part as if they were bms.

StarryStarrySocks · 13/08/2021 12:52

I'd go for option 2. A drunken promise to someone who now lives abroad doesn't count.

Original poster

LlamaTime · 13/08/2021 12:54

Everyone saying that the friends would be supportive is right - they're great and I think would understand. @FeckTheMagicDragon I think this is what I would most like, just trying to see how far I can push it with them doing bridesmaidy things without offending anyone!

OP posts:

Christinayangtwistedsister · 13/08/2021 12:55

Who do you want ?

Branleuse · 13/08/2021 12:55

just have kids as bridesmaids. Saves loads of drama and hassle, plus is cheaper. They dont freak out as much and they are generally happy to wear whatever dress you give them

BritishSummertime · 13/08/2021 12:56

@LlamaTime

Oh *@Holly60* *@Dishwashersaurousthis* is a very good idea. I hadn't really thought through how invovled the friends would be with such little DC, and that they could come down the isle too and get ready with me.

I also think this is the best idea and I wouldn't put the mums in matching dresses.

JustAnotherUserinParadise · 13/08/2021 12:59

I think traditionally bridesmaids are unmarried? Sounds like you're all/mostly married and/or have kids, so a bit past being bridesmaids.
but to answer your actual question - I'd just have the kids, and then your friends can get ready with you. Avoid upsetting your sister and family if you can - people can bear grudges for decades when weddings are concerned!

TimeIhadaNameChange · 13/08/2021 12:59

Definitely go with the children, and ask friend C to help you get ready and maybe do a reading so she's still involved.

urbanbuddha · 13/08/2021 13:00

Option 3, but I definitely wouldn't have their mums in bridesmaid dresses.

fabulousathome · 13/08/2021 13:00

Kids only seems a good option. And you have a great reason about the ages they will be when the wedding takes place.

I would tell your parents your choice and the above reason. They can pass this on to your sister on your behalf.

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