Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To 'unbridesmaid' my sister?

122 replies

LlamaTime · 13/08/2021 12:26

NC as too scared to post under my regular username in AIBU but have been around a while.

I plan on getting married next year and have a real dilemma regarding who to have as my bridesmaids, complicated by the fact that when I got engaged three years ago I already asked people. The wedding was delayed twice in early planning stages due to covid and since then I have badly fallen out with my sister. She has said horrible things to and about me and we haven been very low contact since the start of Lockdown 1 (so some 18 months). Despite living close we don't speak bar a few civilities at parents' birthdays, christmas and the like. She has form for making everything about her and putting me down - I just really don't want her to be there while I get ready and I don't want her to have a big part to play. She will be invited, however. The problem is she will still fully expect to be part of the wedding party, and my parents and brother will be furious and think I am being a total dick if I cut her from the bridesmaid list, and I don't want the drama. Brother and Father in particular always take her side.

Original plan was to have four (bear with me, details relevant):

Friend A (best friend, has two DDs aged 3 and 5)
Friend B (childhood friend, one DD aged 4)
Sister (no DC)
Friend C (no DC, has moved abroad so would come only for wedding itself)

I officially asked Friends A, Friend B and Sister to be bridesmaids 3 years ago. Once drunkenly told Friend C she would be one when I got married, but it was before getting engaged and so hypothetical. Here is how I see my options:

Option 1
Have all 4 - suck up that I don't want sister as part of it, avoid all drama. (would maybe be a bit strange as to avoid having to cancel if restrictions come back we have a small wedding - this would be all the women my age!)

Option 2
Have Friend A and Friend B, on basis that they are my closest friends. Accept the drama and upset to family, although it might ruin the day. Perhaps slightly offend friend C (I would explain reasoning to her and she would understand)

Option 3
No bridesmaids. Declare I am too old for it and wedding is small anyway. Have Friend A and Friend B's kids as bridesmaids / ushers / ring bearer (alongside my own 2 DC). Have Friend A be a witness, Friend B do a reading. (Is it too far to buy them bridesmaid dresses to match their DDs??) Perhaps disappoint friend A and B who are looking forward to being bridesmaids, upset family a bit but not as much since not singling sister out.

Option 4
Have friend A, B and C, not sister (I don't think this is a real option - as I said, she would be the only woman of our age not included, too harsh and too much drama).

As I only have two voting options let's say:

YABU - Yes of course you have to suck it up and have sister, you asked her and you can't go back on it. Plus avoids all the drama. Go for option 1.

YANBU - it's fine to not have sister be a bridesmaid since you are very low contact (would love to hear if you think option 2 or 3 is best - or perhaps another suggestion!)

I know I sound really spoilt and this is a non-problem in the grand scheme of things but I really just want to decide and move on.

OP posts:
user1493494961 · 13/08/2021 14:07

I would just have the children.

TidyOmlette · 13/08/2021 14:08

There’s a lot of posts so forgive me if it’s a repeat. What about having the kids as flowers girls and having friend A + B doing readings? You could officially remove all ‘bridesmaids’ and give different roles, maybe ask your sister to do the guestbook?

TempNameChangexx · 13/08/2021 14:10

tbh I'd go against the flow here and say just don't bother with bridesmaids/flower girls etc. at all - young ones can get really, really bored and noisy.
Just go for a less fussy wedding !

diddl · 13/08/2021 14:11

"I told her she shouldn't be visiting them as they are older"

Wasn't that up to your parents?

Did you expect them to tell her to go away?

If you didn't want to stay once she arrived-fine, just leave!

Notaroadrunner · 13/08/2021 14:12

There's no way I'd have small kids in my bridal party - too much hassle if they're whinging, not posing for photos etc. I'd ask friends A and B and leave it at that. Your sister and family can get over themselves if they think you should bow down to her and still have her as a bridesmaid. And friend C was never formally asked so she's not an issue.

NotableTree · 13/08/2021 14:15

@Beowulfa

Are there really adult women who would be upset at not being a bridesmaid? An 8 year old going through the Disney princess phase maybe, but surely not grown ups.

I'm guessing I'm not the target demographic for the white wedding industry.

Grin You mean you didn’t spend years agonising about decorative chair covers and favours? For shame.
1forAll74 · 13/08/2021 14:25

I would stay clear of any unpleasant or quite unfriendly people, family or not, re a wedding thing.. I can't be doing with any family, or people strife at any events. Some people are a downright nuisance to deal with, and can cause worry and upset to the bride herself.

Blackberrybunnet · 13/08/2021 14:29

Yes, def use the little girls and ditch the bridesmaids.

lillylemons · 13/08/2021 14:34

I'd just have the little ones as my bridesmaids.
I never had any adult bridesmaids at my wedding because I never wanted to upset anyone by leaving them out.
Dd was a bridesmaid with her best friends and my Goddaughter. Then I had 2 flower girls one was my goddaughter's little sister and the other was one of our witness's daughters. I did have a maid of honor and that was my Goddaughters mum.

londonmummy1966 · 13/08/2021 14:36

I went to a wedding recently where the bride had had too many bridesmaid options so went for just young children as bridesmaids and pages and had a group of "best women" who all wore the same colour dress but not the same style and sat together at the front but didn't alk in with the bride. Some of the best women did readings/music during the service but some like the grooms sister weren't involved but just wore that colour dress.

If you could wriggle out of the situation that way you could have AB& C involved in the wedding plus child bridesmaids and just ask your sister to wear the same colour dress as AB&C without giving her anything to do. (And if you feel extra mean then you could pick a colour that suits AB&C and your sister looks shit in....)

MzHz · 13/08/2021 14:38

@Dishwashersaurous

Have three young flower girls. Then the mums have to be involved and probably even walk them down the aisle, but will not officially be bridesmaids.

Then you can tell your sister that you are not having any adult bridesmaids but your friends can still be involved

Beat option here
Nocutenamesleft · 13/08/2021 14:38

Option 3.

I had a tiny wedding. Best decision I ever made!

WeAreTheHeroes · 13/08/2021 14:41

There is another option of course and that is to ask your sister if she still wants to be a bridesmaid. She may say no outright or you can choose to tell her that you've rethought things and will just have the children. You can always ask her if she would like to be part of the wedding in some way and say you won't be offended if she doesn't then the ball's in her court.

Dogoodfeelgood · 13/08/2021 14:41

Option C, no bridesmaids - very chic and understandable and then you can have A,B and C friend over for a pre aisle champagne anyway and get the best bits of them being bridesmaids without any drama x

Keepitonthedownlow · 13/08/2021 14:45

I think your kids only idea is great. One thing that might be nice is to ask them to wear a certain colour- eg navy, if it ties in with the wedding theme. Or to have corsages.

PermanentTemporary · 13/08/2021 14:46

Yanbu and option 3 by a mile.

Maireas · 13/08/2021 14:47

Option E - elope! Wink
Seriously, just the little ones is a good idea.
I always think adult bridesmaids looks strange and never quite right (personal opinion, you may all differ Smile).
Good luck anyway!

itsgrand · 13/08/2021 14:53

@LlamaTime

It was covid related - she had a party for her birthday and I didn't go because it was against the rules (she had been going through some stuff so throwing this party was important to her). She got offended I didn't go. The next day she came round to our parents' house when I was round (this was allowed at the time, and she knew I was there) and she went mental when I told her I didn't want her to be there since she'd been mixing with all her friends the previous day. She went on this rant calling me all these names and badmouthing me to the whole wider family. Haven't had a relationship since.
no offense but if I was your sister I would have been quite hurt at this. Any wonder the relationship went downhill since
whynotwhatknot · 13/08/2021 14:55

Your sister is a selfish twat and its not yo0ur parent sor brothe4rs decision who is your bm

i would go with the little ones personally

Livinghereinallentown · 13/08/2021 14:58

I think four bridesmaids for a fully grown woman with two children of her own seems a bit ott. It’s your wedding though so do what makes you happy. I wouldn’t invite my sister if she had fallen out with me. No bridesmaids at all seems like a great and grown up classy option.

shockthemonkey · 13/08/2021 15:06

Option 2

Brendabigbaps · 13/08/2021 15:09

I didn’t have any bridesmaids, my best friend did a reading, planned the hen do, was with me getting ready etc. So option c

Lunaduckdrop · 13/08/2021 15:14

I'd either just have the little girlies, avoiding any grown-up and potentially bitchy women, or I'd elope, thus completely avoiding all the drama. Use the excuse that there is still the chance of your wedding having to be cancelled due to future lockdowns, and that you just want to get married.

Jaxhog · 13/08/2021 15:16

Option 3 . But just the little ones in matching dresses.

stayathomer · 13/08/2021 15:18

I may be reading it wrong but you sound like you want b (you even asked could you get your friends dresses that tells me that's what you want) so I'd go a or b. I'm sure you love friend c but it sounds like in your head she's not in the wedding. By the way you dont sound spoilt, it isn't a non issue and mn would be very boring if it were all the big things only ( which tend to be sad/depressing/argument filled threads anyhoo!!) Best of luck OP

Swipe left for the next trending thread