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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To 'unbridesmaid' my sister?

122 replies

LlamaTime · 13/08/2021 12:26

NC as too scared to post under my regular username in AIBU but have been around a while.

I plan on getting married next year and have a real dilemma regarding who to have as my bridesmaids, complicated by the fact that when I got engaged three years ago I already asked people. The wedding was delayed twice in early planning stages due to covid and since then I have badly fallen out with my sister. She has said horrible things to and about me and we haven been very low contact since the start of Lockdown 1 (so some 18 months). Despite living close we don't speak bar a few civilities at parents' birthdays, christmas and the like. She has form for making everything about her and putting me down - I just really don't want her to be there while I get ready and I don't want her to have a big part to play. She will be invited, however. The problem is she will still fully expect to be part of the wedding party, and my parents and brother will be furious and think I am being a total dick if I cut her from the bridesmaid list, and I don't want the drama. Brother and Father in particular always take her side.

Original plan was to have four (bear with me, details relevant):

Friend A (best friend, has two DDs aged 3 and 5)
Friend B (childhood friend, one DD aged 4)
Sister (no DC)
Friend C (no DC, has moved abroad so would come only for wedding itself)

I officially asked Friends A, Friend B and Sister to be bridesmaids 3 years ago. Once drunkenly told Friend C she would be one when I got married, but it was before getting engaged and so hypothetical. Here is how I see my options:

Option 1
Have all 4 - suck up that I don't want sister as part of it, avoid all drama. (would maybe be a bit strange as to avoid having to cancel if restrictions come back we have a small wedding - this would be all the women my age!)

Option 2
Have Friend A and Friend B, on basis that they are my closest friends. Accept the drama and upset to family, although it might ruin the day. Perhaps slightly offend friend C (I would explain reasoning to her and she would understand)

Option 3
No bridesmaids. Declare I am too old for it and wedding is small anyway. Have Friend A and Friend B's kids as bridesmaids / ushers / ring bearer (alongside my own 2 DC). Have Friend A be a witness, Friend B do a reading. (Is it too far to buy them bridesmaid dresses to match their DDs??) Perhaps disappoint friend A and B who are looking forward to being bridesmaids, upset family a bit but not as much since not singling sister out.

Option 4
Have friend A, B and C, not sister (I don't think this is a real option - as I said, she would be the only woman of our age not included, too harsh and too much drama).

As I only have two voting options let's say:

YABU - Yes of course you have to suck it up and have sister, you asked her and you can't go back on it. Plus avoids all the drama. Go for option 1.

YANBU - it's fine to not have sister be a bridesmaid since you are very low contact (would love to hear if you think option 2 or 3 is best - or perhaps another suggestion!)

I know I sound really spoilt and this is a non-problem in the grand scheme of things but I really just want to decide and move on.

OP posts:

JazzerMcCreary · 13/08/2021 13:30

I did option 3 basically. Had a friend I knew would be very offended if I didn’t ask her to be a bridesmaid but didn’t want her as one so just had niece and two little girls I used to look after as flower girls.

WetWeekends · 13/08/2021 13:30

Option 4. I wouldn’t spoil your day just to keep family happy. It’s your day not theirs!

Original poster

LlamaTime · 13/08/2021 13:33

Oh yes I completely forgot to say - DP's niece (who will be 11) will also be a bridesmaid. This really is an old promise, she asked me when she was 3 years old and I told her if we could ever afford a wedding then of course! But I think it still will be fine that she's older, she can be the responsible one and lead my own DC down the isle without them causing havoc.

Ok, so it seems consenus is not co-ordinated outfits for mums. That seems right actually, and let's face it a dress that looks great on 4 different little girls is way easier to find than one that looks great on 4 different adult women.

OP posts:

NoSquirrels · 13/08/2021 13:38

Kids as bridesmaids/flower children.

Their mums help you & them get ready. If your friends happen to talk to each other about coordinating their own outfits, as a surprise to you, well… you weren’t to know, were you

DeflatedGinDrinker · 13/08/2021 13:39

Of course it's fine to cut your sister out of it. She was rude to you why would you want her there. She wouldn't be invited to mine if she was as vile as you described.

drumandthebass · 13/08/2021 13:39

I would just have the littles ones and then your sister will not know she's been 'unbridesmaided'

SunshineCake · 13/08/2021 13:40

I'd have one conversation with the sister to say you are sorry and sad for the fall out. You want to move forward. Would she like to. Then make your decision in how she behaves.

mushroom3 · 13/08/2021 13:40

I agree with other posters, kids as bridesmaids/page boys, no adults in matching dresses and maybe a specific roll for the older bridesmaid as she will be quite a bit older/taller than all the others

HyacynthBucket · 13/08/2021 13:43

Go with the three little DCs as flowergirls and you have no drama and no huge costs. Have a great day when it happens, and do not let family ruin for you or take over. Its your wedding,not theirs.

CutePanda · 13/08/2021 13:43

@LlamaTime

It was covid related - she had a party for her birthday and I didn't go because it was against the rules (she had been going through some stuff so throwing this party was important to her). She got offended I didn't go. The next day she came round to our parents' house when I was round (this was allowed at the time, and she knew I was there) and she went mental when I told her I didn't want her to be there since she'd been mixing with all her friends the previous day. She went on this rant calling me all these names and badmouthing me to the whole wider family. Haven't had a relationship since.

Is there anyway that you’re willing to try and fix this relationship? Not sure what she said to you, but your other reasons for ignoring your sister are a bit childish really.

diddl · 13/08/2021 13:44

@LlamaTime

Did she go round deliberately to wind you up then?

I think it's a bit off to tell someone you don't want them there when it's not your house.

Kids only seems a good idea, although it seems a shame not to have your friends as Bms just because you can't/won't tell your sister that you don't want her as one anymore.

But if you would be getting ready together & they would be quasi bridesmaids, perhaps that's better than nothing & they would understand.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 13/08/2021 13:46

Given you already have children, I’d take them and the bride and grooms parents and have a simple ceremony. I wouldn’t have delayed due to covid though if I really wanted to be wed and take my vows.

MazDazzle · 13/08/2021 13:47

Option 3.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 13/08/2021 13:48

I'd have none.
I did have none.
It was far and away the simplest solution to family politics and dynamics. Meant DH didn't have a best man either, which actually suited him (his own family politics!)
Our "wedding party" was just us and parents.

Didn't even have flower girls (see above re politics).

But you could have flower girls, as both Friends A and B have appropriately aged DDs for this. Means they don't feel completely excluded and it won't cause as much drama for your family.

Either that, or have none at all.

LimitIsUp · 13/08/2021 13:49

Option C - I see you are leaning that way in any case

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 13/08/2021 13:50

Oh yeah - definitely do NOT get "bridesmaid" or matching dresses for Friends A and B. Bad form because then they will just look like bridesmaids.

Catflapkitkat · 13/08/2021 13:50

Option 2 and ask friend C to be a witness or do a reading.

Giving what you have said about your sister and her history of making everything about her, why would you include her in your bridal party? You'll be on edge in her presence. It boils down to this, you have ONE wedding day (fingers crossed) but there will be plenty of opportunities for your sister to fall out with you again.

Buffoonborisisatwat · 13/08/2021 13:51

It's quite a big ask for the mums of the flower girls to be bridesmaids as well as looking after their children who will need their mums undivided attention getting ready and doing their bit in the wedding party. the mums won't have time or energy to look after their kids as well as you.

Go for NO adult bridesmaids, perhaps just the little girls if the mums want them to be flower girls - no pressure - not everybody thinks it's fun, and maybe casually ask your friends if they want to spend the evening before your wedding with you or come over the morning of the wedding with the dressed flower girls for bubbles without the burden of actually being a bridesmaid ie just for fun.

being a bridesmaid when you have young kids isn't as much fun as when you're young, free, single and childless.

tickledtiger · 13/08/2021 13:52

2 or 4
Either way you’ll lose- if you keep her as bridesmaid she’ll be bridesmaid, and if you cut her out your family will disapprove. However.

My only wedding regret was making my sister a bridesmaid. Ruined the whole getting ready period, and I’ll never get that back.

Original poster

LlamaTime · 13/08/2021 13:53

Yes actually I wasn't very clear - I told her she shouldn't be visiting them as they are older (this was way before vaccines) and that I did not want to stay if she was staying. I didn't actually tell her she had to leave, but said I would if she didn't. Which she (tbf rightly) said was the same thing.

@cutepanda you are right about the rest being a bit childish and I wouldn't have excluded her for those reasons. I guess at this point it's a mutual ignoring that has been going on a while. She is angry at me too. I do want to fix the relationship but I don't think it will go back to how it was after her calling me all these names and honestly I don't want to put the effort in to make it what it was. I think involvement from brother and other family members made it worse than it had to be though.

OP posts:

Shellfishblastard · 13/08/2021 13:54

I would actually just have your best friend as bridesmaid and give the others a role.

Anordinarymum · 13/08/2021 13:57

You both sound as bad as one another IMHO

uktrippin · 13/08/2021 13:58

"I'll still get to spend that lovely getting ready time together with my friends. Will have to allocate half the day to it with 5 kids to get ready haha - luckily I was planning on doing our own hair and make up anyway"

Ha, it'll be anything but "lovely" unless your ceremony is at around 6pm. Absolute stress and chaos more likely. Why bother? Just have your own kids and niece.

Original poster

LlamaTime · 13/08/2021 13:59

Actually everyone saying that it's not as fun when you have kids is really onto something!! They might actually be relieved. It's low key so they won't have many duties as such anyway in the lead up.

We'll be getting ready at my house and we all live local so it won't be a problem for them to come round early.

Great, thank. Decision made. Only little ones, reading and witness for friend A and B if they want, specific role for older girl. DP doesn't want a best man so no adults suits us perfectly.

OP posts:

CutePanda · 13/08/2021 14:01

@LlamaTime it sounds like you’re both waiting for the other to make the move. You both upset each other. I don’t have a sister, but it seems sad to fall out over that. Make the move and talk to your sister without being judgemental or defensive. I agree with PP though - just have the DC as flower girls and don’t dress their DMs like bridesmaids.

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