Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To 'unbridesmaid' my sister?

122 replies

LlamaTime · 13/08/2021 12:26

NC as too scared to post under my regular username in AIBU but have been around a while.

I plan on getting married next year and have a real dilemma regarding who to have as my bridesmaids, complicated by the fact that when I got engaged three years ago I already asked people. The wedding was delayed twice in early planning stages due to covid and since then I have badly fallen out with my sister. She has said horrible things to and about me and we haven been very low contact since the start of Lockdown 1 (so some 18 months). Despite living close we don't speak bar a few civilities at parents' birthdays, christmas and the like. She has form for making everything about her and putting me down - I just really don't want her to be there while I get ready and I don't want her to have a big part to play. She will be invited, however. The problem is she will still fully expect to be part of the wedding party, and my parents and brother will be furious and think I am being a total dick if I cut her from the bridesmaid list, and I don't want the drama. Brother and Father in particular always take her side.

Original plan was to have four (bear with me, details relevant):

Friend A (best friend, has two DDs aged 3 and 5)
Friend B (childhood friend, one DD aged 4)
Sister (no DC)
Friend C (no DC, has moved abroad so would come only for wedding itself)

I officially asked Friends A, Friend B and Sister to be bridesmaids 3 years ago. Once drunkenly told Friend C she would be one when I got married, but it was before getting engaged and so hypothetical. Here is how I see my options:

Option 1
Have all 4 - suck up that I don't want sister as part of it, avoid all drama. (would maybe be a bit strange as to avoid having to cancel if restrictions come back we have a small wedding - this would be all the women my age!)

Option 2
Have Friend A and Friend B, on basis that they are my closest friends. Accept the drama and upset to family, although it might ruin the day. Perhaps slightly offend friend C (I would explain reasoning to her and she would understand)

Option 3
No bridesmaids. Declare I am too old for it and wedding is small anyway. Have Friend A and Friend B's kids as bridesmaids / ushers / ring bearer (alongside my own 2 DC). Have Friend A be a witness, Friend B do a reading. (Is it too far to buy them bridesmaid dresses to match their DDs??) Perhaps disappoint friend A and B who are looking forward to being bridesmaids, upset family a bit but not as much since not singling sister out.

Option 4
Have friend A, B and C, not sister (I don't think this is a real option - as I said, she would be the only woman of our age not included, too harsh and too much drama).

As I only have two voting options let's say:

YABU - Yes of course you have to suck it up and have sister, you asked her and you can't go back on it. Plus avoids all the drama. Go for option 1.

YANBU - it's fine to not have sister be a bridesmaid since you are very low contact (would love to hear if you think option 2 or 3 is best - or perhaps another suggestion!)

I know I sound really spoilt and this is a non-problem in the grand scheme of things but I really just want to decide and move on.

OP posts:
Flufflekins · 13/08/2021 13:03

Could you just make her a bridesmaid but have her meet you at the venue? Then all she needs to do is walk up the aisle and stand there. Get her a dress but say everyone arranges own hair and make up. That way you could get ready and have a couple of glasses of bubbly with your girlies at a hotel or at one of their houses. She doesn’t need to know about that bit. Put them in a separate car. You could have a photographer there but don’t show your family those photos.

pussycatlickinglollyices · 13/08/2021 13:05

Option 3 - kids only.
And get some friends to chaperone/keep your sis away from you all day.

Rosebel · 13/08/2021 13:05

If you do want your friends as bridesmaids why not get your sister to do a reading or be a witness so she's still involved but not a part of the bridal party.
Or just have the kids but that's a bit sad for your friends even though they probably would understand.

Original poster
LlamaTime · 13/08/2021 13:08

Thanks everyone - I think you are all right and kids only is the way to go. I would actually like that, I love their kids and it would make it more exciting for my own DC I think.

Yes to mums not in bridesmaids outfits, agree on reflection that would be strange and too far. Someone suggested complimentary outfits (perhaps in the colour tones but different dresses), might that be ok or do we think too far as well?

As some people mentioned we are perhaps all a bit old for being bridesmaids (early 30s) anyway. They both got married before we all had kids, so when I was their bridesmaid it was different. I think I've just always assumed they would be my bridesmaids when I did get married (we've been friends since school) and it's taken a bit to change perspective.

OP posts:
ancientgran · 13/08/2021 13:09

How old are the children? I think I'd go with having the children, at least if they have a tantrum it is more forgivable than if it's an adult.

Original poster
LlamaTime · 13/08/2021 13:11

@Rosebel that is the remaining niggle - a bit sad, and I would have liked the photo of them both in their dresses to put up next to the photos of us on their weddings! But actually on reflection it will be just as lovely - if not more so - to have it with all their little ones dressed up. And the day itself, which is what really matters, would essentially be the same.

OP posts:
ancientgran · 13/08/2021 13:11

Sorry I missed the ages. Definitely the children, their mothers will be with you getting ready so they will be involved and they will love seeing their little ones dressed up so will make up for any disappointment.

luckylavender · 13/08/2021 13:13

@30degreesandmeltinghere - exactly what I was going to say. Just gave the 3 little ones. Solves all your problems.

Beowulfa · 13/08/2021 13:14

Are there really adult women who would be upset at not being a bridesmaid? An 8 year old going through the Disney princess phase maybe, but surely not grown ups.

I'm guessing I'm not the target demographic for the white wedding industry.

Wjevtvha · 13/08/2021 13:14

I would say she is welcome to be a bridesmaid but due to changing arrangements bridesmaids aren’t getting ready with you and give her the dress to arrive ready on the day and on the quiet have your other bridesmaid with you while you are getting ready, maybe have them come at delayed times so it’s perhaps less obvious. Tell them to keep it quiet. Obviously that plan has some risks but if it works then all your sister will be doing as a bridesmaid is walking down the aisle with you snd being in the pictures

gamerchick · 13/08/2021 13:14

You know what it is, I sucked up a lot for my wedding and I still won't look at the photos 11 years on. I wished so many times I had did it the way I wanted to do it.

Don't compromise, do what you want to do. Who care who it upsets, they'll get over it.

Seriously, have the people you want. If people aren't happy then they're welcome not to go.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 13/08/2021 13:17

Stop being frightened of your sister. If you've fallen out and don't want her to be your bridesmaid, then she doesn't have to be your bridesmaid. But you do have to tell her.

midsummabreak · 13/08/2021 13:17

Option 3
It’s your day, enjoy without any stress

QuirkyUsername · 13/08/2021 13:17

I think before making this decision, you need to sit down with your sister and see if you can sort this out. It may make the decision easier.
If you do, you'll feel happier about her being there, if you don't then you know you can't have her being in the bridal party if she's got the arse with you.
But, being your wedding day, do what you want. I regret picking certain people for my bridesmaids because I felt awkward about it and stuck to weird old joke promises.

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 13/08/2021 13:17

The children as bridesmaids sounds a lovely compromise. That way you can have their mums with you as you all get ready beforehand so by all intents they'll be your bridesmaids anyway, just unofficially and without carrying the flowers. As per coordinating dresses if wanted, I'd just allow them the option to wear whatever they liked, just like every other guest.

I also have to say, you don't sound spoilt in the least. 18 months of barely having a life should hopefully have taught some of us to value more what we might once have taken for granted. You sound immensely tactful and thoughtful - especially given the circumstances - and have gone to a lot of effort to ensure an outcome you want with minimal drama and without upsetting anyone concerned. Kudos to you.

ddl1 · 13/08/2021 13:18

I think I'd either choose option 3, or reserve the bridesmaid roles for children, as was common in the past.

I hope you have a lovely - and drama-free- wedding!

ddl1 · 13/08/2021 13:19

Now that I've read the whole thread, I see that you have done just this. Good decision IMO.

SE13Mummy · 13/08/2021 13:19

What's your sister like with children? Another option might be to have your friends' children as flower girls etc., let your sister know why and say that given the two of you no longer have the same relationship, you're not expecting her to want to be a bridesmaid but if it's still important to her, she could have a dress that matches the children's and could have the role of child-herder...

Dozer · 13/08/2021 13:20

Agree, no adult bridesmaids is best.

And no ‘co ordinating’ outfits!

Unsubscribed · 13/08/2021 13:21

3 years is a long time and circumstances can change for all parties therefore I wouldn't feel obliged to stick to the original plan.

And if the wedding is not until next year, depending on when next year , things could change again.
Friend C might not want to come from abroad
I agree with previous posters suggestion of going with just the kids, but I'd probably hang on until nearer the time.

LH1987 · 13/08/2021 13:21

Firstly, you are not unreasonable to take your sister out of the wedding party if you don’t speak and she has been horrible. Though it might be a good opportunity if you wanted at all to rebuild the relationship.

I had a 3.5 yr old as one of my bridesmaids. She had a total meltdown and didn’t walk down the aisle. 😂

AppleKatie · 13/08/2021 13:22

Where will you be getting ready etc? Are you likely to be with your parents? If so they are likely to want your sister there?

In that situation I’d just have her tbh. But task one of the others with keeping her away from you Wink

Or else you could come up with a list of things you want from your bridesmaids…. And drop it on her when she’s already in a bad mood. No problem if she resigns is there 😉 (probably not a good idea in the real world…)

midsummabreak · 13/08/2021 13:25

Would you consider simplifying it to just your kids and not your friends kids?
Spend $ saved on the hair, flowers and bridesmaid clothes on a children’s entertainer that arrives to surprise the kids

Dishwashersaurous · 13/08/2021 13:26

Nothing to stop your friends wearing a dress in a certain colour. Just saying...

Original poster
LlamaTime · 13/08/2021 13:27

Thanks so much everyone - feeling actually very positive about having the children be part of the day now! Especially since, as a lot of you have pointed out, I'll still get to spend that lovely getting ready time together with my friends. Will have to allocate half the day to it with 5 kids to get ready haha - luckily I was planning on doing our own hair and make up anyway, and no limo as we live round the corner from the venue anyway!

@MarieIVanArkleStinks That is such a kind thing to say, thank you! I find that my family, especially my brother, have gotten so dramatric about me forging my sister that anything other than doing exactly what she wants now feels like a big step out of line.

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread