'You have broken my heart'

[stepupandbecounted]

I have 3 teen dc and live around 100 miles from my parents. Parents are in excellent health, retired for ten years and late sixities. We moved for context 12 years ago for work opportunities.

I had surgery two and a half weeks ago, a gall bladder and bile duct removal, which not the end of the world didn't come at the best time with dc all at home for the summer. It has been a struggle sleeping and quite tricky with dc all at home and no bus service here anymore. I am also have to WFH!!

We went to visit my parents last weekend, dd was telling her gps all about her A levels, how much is riding on them etc with her uni place and she was nervous. Gps wished her good luck, all good.

Fast forward to results day this week, and Dd is over the moon, she gets her grades and we are happy for her. She spends the few hours screaming and laughing down the phone to all of her friends, whilst I drop other dc to clubs and friends houses. I arrived home with balloons and a gift for dd and I drove to her friend's party and sleepover, picking other dc up on the way home and finally arrived home at 6.45pm knackered and sore.

I then realise my parents haven't sent a message, so I text them to say dd has done really well with exams and is overjoyed before trying to make dinner and sort out dc. My mother replies in a slightly hysterical way demanding to know why I haven't texted her before.
I said I haven't had the chance, I have been driving all day and can't text and thought she would know its all over the news and we only spoke about Sunday! I then get a series of abusive messages from her saying she is so angry, I should have contacted them immediately. It looks like they don't care about dd. How dare I not remind her, and I have broken her heart moving away and now 'ripped out her heart again' by not telling her about the exam results

I replied calmly that I can not be expected to remind everyone of everything. I am permanently exhausted and its no big deal, dd is happy not the end of the world.

My mother is beyond furious and is no longer speaking to me.

Have I done something wrong here? She does not have dementia, she has nothing else going on in her life apart from seeing her local friends, I don't think she is being very fair - I have no idea why she didn't remember. I am only just managing as it is.

@stepupandbecounted

DM has been working really hard to try and make us move back, but dc like it here and don't want to move. It is always a bone of contention.

I would never put conditions and expectations like this on my own dc. It sometimes feels like she 'owns me' I can't really explain it, she makes me feel bad for being happy here, she gets sulky whenever I talk about it in a positive way, so I never speak about anything but her life, because it gets her back up if I do.

I have learnt to literally silence most of my life and not share it with her.

When I need surgery or medical care, I usually tell her afterwards, otherwise she gets hysterical on the phone crying, calling my husband every five minutes telling him what a terrible worry I am to her, calling the ward and crying down the phone to the sister telling them I am not replying (I was in theatre) It was so embarrassing. I am 48.

I have totally stopped telling her how difficult things are, or what hurts me because she weaponises it against me and either tells me its my own fault because I moved here or that I am hurting HER because she worries (her idea of worrying is usually to get straight on the phone and tell her friends about her latest drama unfolding) and she never offers help or real empathy. I am just fodder for her friends to gossip about or I am inconvenient and a nuisance.

There is never any genuine emotion.

The more you say about her, the more I think you should cut her completely from your life.

I'm being serious. This woman is a total mess of a human, wreaking destruction on your life with a spring in her step and a song in her heart. She enjoys making you miserable. Cut her from your life, she's poison.

Your mum feels bad for having forgotten and is lashing out to make it look like you’re the bad guy rather than her. Don’t let her get to and ruin what should be a very happy occasion. Very well done to your DD

Your DD sounds lovely @stepupandbecounted.
Please rest more. The DC can kick around home for a little while longer. Can't any of their friend's parents do some lifts?

She enjoys making herself miserable the most, sadly, and it does make me sad because she is my mother and I do love her. She enjoys misery, thrives on bad news and it spills over into almost every area.

I really wish I had texted earlier in the day, but I can't change it now. And part of me thinks why the hell should I? They are sitting at home without a care in the world, is it so hard to remember to wish dd well?

@stepupandbecounted

She enjoys making herself miserable the most, sadly, and it does make me sad because she is my mother and I do love her. She enjoys misery, thrives on bad news and it spills over into almost every area.

I really wish I had texted earlier in the day, but I can't change it now. And part of me thinks why the hell should I? They are sitting at home without a care in the world, is it so hard to remember to wish dd well?

No it's not hard. Don't overtook it or blame yourself.

I've only read the first 100 posts but my response to your mothers message would have been "Oh get a grip Mum. It's not always all about you. If you can't stop berating me for being an adult and finding my own way in this world, well then we'll have to stop being in contact quite so often. It's not good for my health when you repeatedly come out with such quality shite as you do. Now, be a good grandmother and contact your granddaughter congratulating her on her results, there's a good woman!"

Please enjoy your break in Cornwall and I hope you manage to recover from your op while you're there.

Turn off your phone and only turn it on again when you want to.

Overthink even

Some bloody mother's OP! This is really NOT your problem or issue so please try and let it go and enjoy your daughters success.

I've had very similar with my DM as I also had the 'audacity' to move several hours away. Mine has told me she will never forgive me for doing this and behaves similarly to yours. Naturally as daughters we feel incredibly guilty and they never miss a chance to push that button. It's her not you, and people with parents who don't do this won't ever understand.

Please remember that unforgiveness is "like drinking poison and hoping the other person dies" (forget who the quote is by). The only person actually suffering by not forgiving you for moving away is your mum. Millions move away every year, yet not all mums behave like this.

Either ignore her petulance, or do what's expected and say you're sorry (even if you're not!). I often have to mollify just for a quiet life. Each time it happens I remember the benefit of being so far away!!

Hope you enjoy your holiday and make a speedy recovery from
your surgery

She sounds very hard work. Not unreasonable to think DD would have let her grandma know. Yes you could have reminded dd to let grandma know or called your mum but you have enough on your plate. She should have called DD. My mum definitely would have phoned (she phoned me to enquire how girl who gets bus to school with DD had done!)

Dd's friends live in the town, and I don't know the parents very well at all. Certainly not enough to ask them for lifts etc.

But your daughter is old enough to ask her mates if their parents could give her a lift, because her mum's had surgery? When I was your daughter's age no way would my mum ring up another friend's parent to arrange my transport for me!!!

OP it sounds like your DD has the full measure of her grandmother. She's not a particularly covert narcissistic either.

Seconding others to say check out the stately homes thread, and consider therapy. You no doubt have some extremely painful childhood memories to work through, let alone her behaviour towards your as an adult.

Is your DM incapable of talking to your DD? Phone? Email? FB? WhatsApp?

As you said it was all over the news about the results. She could have bothered to find out for herself.

Hope you recover quickly.

PS: Yes, your Mum is being a nob.

Maybe she was waiting for you to call in case it didn't work out well, and didn't want to contact you or dd just in case.

@stepupandbecounted

Can someone tell me what the script is when it comes to parents? I have a good idea what it means about an affair.

Is your mother the martyr narcissist perhaps? If you loved her enough, you wouldn’t have moved away. She never moved away from her mum etc. Know it well

This is it, in a nutshell. If I loved her enough, I would have stayed by her side indefinitely.

She will never ever let it go.

But a healthy, decent parent would say it’s about them loving you enough to let you go, to allow you to be your own person - not act as though you exist to fulfil their emotional expectations. I have a difficult mum myself so i sympathise but when i told her to let me go she bloody well did. And for that i respect her.

2 1/2 weeks lost op and doing all that running around? You're a hero man. I went back to work after 3 weeks post gallbladder and nearly passed out while there.

Your mother's behaving like a knob, enjoy the peace while she has her tantrum.

YA not only NBU, you are being extraordinarily kind and forgiving to your irrational and demanding mother (and I’m usually on mothers’ side). Congrats toDD, and all best wishes to you for a full recovery from your operation.

Now please take a bit of time for yourself, to rest and recover.

@stepupandbecounted

Sounds like she was looking for a reason to have a go at you as she’s still upset that you moved away

She never misses a chance to berate me about it. I did not think she would use my dd's exams as another stick to beat us with about the move that happened over a decade ago. She sees me as taking my children away, that is the root of it. This probably made her feel worse, but I just don't have it in me to be supervising all contact. I just can't do it. I already feel broken. She would never come and help, and she never will 'because I moved away, I made my bed' apparently. That applied to much more serious incidents than the latest surgery. I know not to ask her for help, the answer will always be no.

This sounds very familiar. Relationships of this kind can be truly toxic. I moved away, to a different COUNTRY, and my mother will never forgive me for "abandoning" her (she was in her 60s when I left, with a very close knit circle of friends and family near her - I followed my career) no matter what I do. I have stopped trying and actually had to force myself stop caring... I suggest you do the same or you will spend a lifetime feeling guilty and thinking of ways to please her so as to be forgiven...it won't happen.

@CliffordMystery

I think everyone seems a bit hysterical in this a description. “You’ve broken my heart” is an overreaction, but I can see her point.

If I knew that someone close to me had important exam results coming that they were worried about, I wouldn’t be texting them to ask until they texted me as if they didn’t get what they wanted they might not be in the mood for questions/might be busy trying to sort things out etc. I’d wait for when they wanted to tell me.

I don’t think someone outside of a direct family with results due should be necessarily expected to remember what day they are either. Not everyone even watches the news or reads newspapers.

I’m sure you could have found literally 30 seconds to text her the results earlier in the day.

What do you mean by “knackered and sore?”

She is BU to not speak to you, but you both sound like hard work to be honest.

I completely disagree. I’m a GP of slightly younger DGC but I definitely keep on top of important events - I would never expect my DS and DD to remind me of every important event in their child’s life, especially if I’d only seen them and had been discussing it the previous week!!

And as to not contacting, I would have sent the following in the morning: ‘hi darling, just a quick message to say I’m thinking of you today and am so proud of how hard you’ve worked xxx’ then later on, if I hadn’t heard anything I’d probably text own DC to check all was ok before texting again, to make sure I got tone right.

It’s called being an adult

Self-centred drama queens have some stock phrases like they’re ‘on their knees’ with exhaustion or someone has ‘ripped out their heart’ or they’ve ‘begged and pleaded’ with someone.

They are hard hard work. Even when you love them.

Thanks Holly, this is what I would have done too, but then I generally don't make other people feel bad if things have not gone the way I expected. I don't feel like I owed anything by others. I really feel it is up to my mum to establish a good relationship with her grandchildren. She could have taken them out over the years, spent time with them, called them every week but she never did. So it is hardly my fault now they are adult and show very little interest back.

There now seems to be total indifference on either side, which has manifested into what happened yesterday. It is not my job to make them care about each other. I did my fair share and more of family parties, holidays and days out to help the bonding process, but my mother seems to think its everyone else's job to pander to her, and she should sit back and wait for the phone calls, visits and flowers to roll in. It doesn't work like that sadly.

OP YOU have done nothing wrong, nothing to feel guilt for please leave her to it and stop running yourself ragged. Teach DD to drive and then get lifts with her.

GB surgery even by keyhole should be a 6 to 8 week recovery

People have different styles of communicating - some might text tactfully, some might wait to be contacted.
Both of those could be out of consideration for the young person.
But this gran doesn't seem to be showing consideration for anyone but herself, and has been like that for years.
OP, you would be entirely reasonable to simply think 'silly old bat' and give your mother no further thought.

Have a lovely holiday OP with your phone switched off as much as possible.

It is a mindset of 'I gave you the best years of my life, now you have to step and repay me' it is a feeling that the bottomless expectations that I need to be crawling over glass to repay her for having me, is the least I can do.

When I was young I had to pay her back because I was an awful teenager, when I reached adulthood it was paying her back for my childhood and now I have moved away and had the audacity to follow my own dreams I have breached the terms of conditions somehow and am exiled. It is draining. I am packing now, and I am not calling her. I am not fixing this. I have done nothing wrong.

Oh my god. I have been here with the manipulation.

Enjoy the break from her. Celebrate with your daughter. She sounds very controlling and self centred.

If they were so bothered your Mum should have listened to her granddaughter when they chatted about it and noted the date of the results.

Why didn't your daughter text her grandparents?

Sounds like an overreaction from her. I don't think I've ever texted my parents about my adult children's exam results!

And re moving away - my son and DIL live 1000s of miles away. No way would I make them feel bad about that. To me, parenting is about preparing children to be independent adults. That's what my son has done - he's happy and that makes me happy.