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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think these parents shouldn't expect this of DD (potential tw?)

121 replies

skri · 13/08/2021 00:24

Hey all, just signed up to this site but I've been lurking for a while and I would like to know if I'm being unreasonable/insensitive about this.

My daughter is 15, she's been in a relationship with a boy on/off for 2 years. A few months ago, he was diagnosed with cancer, and he's currently getting treatment. I can't imagine what his parents are going through, but his parents always wants DD to call him, as DD makes him happy.

Aibu in thinking that they shouldn't be expecting this of DD? Or am I being very insensitive?

OP posts:
Suprima · 13/08/2021 00:25

What does DD want?

anothernamechange224466 · 13/08/2021 00:26

Does she want to call him?

user1473878824 · 13/08/2021 00:26

You think your daughter shouldn’t call her boyfriend of two years when he has cancer? What are you talking about? Even if he didn’t have cancer I think after two years it’s pretty normal to speak to your boyfriend.

Flowers500 · 13/08/2021 00:45

Yeah I have to agree with previous poster…what? How are they crossing the line by thinking the girlfriend should call the boyfriend when he has cancer?

This is going to affect her emotionally regardless of what you try to do. I really wouldn’t try to force her away from him at this time, I don’t think it will make her feel any better to either feel like a bitch who dumped a guy with cancer, or like her mom is evil. You have to support her in what she wants to do and ensure she continues to have her own life. I wouldn’t go encouraging her to be a terrible person and think that that will make things easier…

But no they are not unreasonable in wanting their son with cancer to continue to have company and love in his life??? What do you think they should do, take him down the backfields to be shot? So he won’t be an inconvenience?

Foxhasbigsocks · 13/08/2021 00:52

I think I would encourage dd to support her boyfriend provided she is still happy to be with him.

That poor boy and his poor parents. I have so often read that people back away when young people are diagnosed, partly out of awkwardness. I’m sure his parents just want to make things as easy as possible for him.

Original poster
skri · 13/08/2021 01:01

@user1473878824

You think your daughter shouldn’t call her boyfriend of two years when he has cancer? What are you talking about? Even if he didn’t have cancer I think after two years it’s pretty normal to speak to your boyfriend.
No, I don't think she shouldn't call him. His parents always want DD to call him though even when she's on a call with her other friends, but DD always says yes.

I think she does want to call him though.

OP posts:
DowntonCrabby · 13/08/2021 01:06

She should call him exactly when and how often/ little she wants and all the parents should stay out of it.

Foxhasbigsocks · 13/08/2021 01:09

Are they getting involved because the boyfriend is pretty unwell he does he need help to call her eg from hospital?

AlexaShutUp · 13/08/2021 01:12

If she is happy to call, I don't think it's an issue. If she is being pressurised or guilted into calling, then that isn't appropriate but it doesn't sound like that's the case? What are you worried about exactly?

Losttheequipment · 13/08/2021 01:17

If she doesn’t want to be his girlfriend she needs to tell him and stop stringing him along

Plumtree391 · 13/08/2021 01:19

Leave it up to your daughter. I see nothing wrong with the boy's parents wanting her to call him and if she is talking to other friends at the time, presumably she can talk to them later at any time but her boyfriend may not always be available.

Poor boy, I do hope his treatment is successful.

Tibtom · 13/08/2021 01:39

OP I get what you mean and agree. Your DD has to be able to decide for herself what level of relationship she wants with this boy and shouldn't be made to feel guilty for deciding not to call him or if she wants to cool or stop the relationship. Nor should she feel she has to be there as his support. If she wants to do these things that is fine but not because she is being made responsible for his happiness.

MrsTerryPratchett · 13/08/2021 01:41

No, I don't think she shouldn't call him. His parents always want DD to call him though even when she's on a call with her other friends, but DD always says yes.

Are they contacting your minor child to suggest this? Because no to that. Him and her work it out with parental boundaries.

Gingerkittykat · 13/08/2021 01:42

How often do they want her to call?

5zeds · 13/08/2021 01:43

How are they communicating this to her when she’s on the phone to someone else??

FortVictoria · 13/08/2021 01:43

I can see both sides of this. Of course his parents are clinging on to anything that makes him happy - completely understandable. They, and he, are going through a very difficult period. So is your DD. She will need her friends to support her and talk this through, just as he needs her to do the same. Thinking of all of you.

Notimeforaname · 13/08/2021 01:47

Well if your daughter always wants to, fine.

Is the boyfriend in a position to be able to call your daughter himself , when he wants to? And the parents are just asking her to call more ?

Or does he need his parents to contact your daughter each time ?

Notimeforaname · 13/08/2021 01:52

His parents always want DD to call him though even when she's on a call with her other friends
Do you mean if your daughter ends calls with him sometimes,to speak with/see other friends, the parents will want her to put her attention back on him/call back ? Od do they just call at random times?

I can understand they just want whatever makes their son happy at this point and if yiir daughter doesn't really mind,what's the harm. All I did as a teenager was talk to boyfriends on the phone!

I hope he gets well soon op Flowers

Ponoka7 · 13/08/2021 02:03

This is the problem with adults putting the friendship of young teens, onto the same level as adult relationships. They expect to much commitment and hold them to any promises they make. I know someone whose teen died and she was very hurt by his gf getting with someone else. They shouldn't be put under that pressure.
This needs a level of safeguarding from you.

LovePoppy · 13/08/2021 02:13

Your daughter is not Prozac
If she wants to call fantastic, but it’s not her job to keep him happy

I feel they are pushing the line

mathanxiety · 13/08/2021 03:03

Agree with Pokoka7

mathanxiety · 13/08/2021 03:03

Ponoka7 sorry.

BlackSwan · 13/08/2021 04:58

Awful situation - but if they are still in a relationship you should be the one encouraging DD to be supportive by calling... Cancer is a very lonely time for children. Empathy doesn’t cost anything

romdowa · 13/08/2021 05:08

I don't think the Boys parents should be contacting your dd to ask her to do anything for their son. Sounds like a lot of pressure for a 15 year old. I'd put a stop to that straight away.

Hekatestorch · 13/08/2021 05:34

So she does want to calm him and does call him.

But then when she is doing something else that's not focused on him, they are trying to get her to stop doing whatever she is doing doing and call their son and focus on him?

Yeah, I don't think that's OK. I feel dreadfully sorry for them and I get that they are just trying to make him happy. But its not ok to put that pressure on dd or to expect her whole focus to be on him. She needs a life away from him and her owns life, which would be the case even if he was well.

Its really unfair of them.

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