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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think these parents shouldn't expect this of DD (potential tw?)

121 replies

skri · 13/08/2021 00:24

Hey all, just signed up to this site but I've been lurking for a while and I would like to know if I'm being unreasonable/insensitive about this.

My daughter is 15, she's been in a relationship with a boy on/off for 2 years. A few months ago, he was diagnosed with cancer, and he's currently getting treatment. I can't imagine what his parents are going through, but his parents always wants DD to call him, as DD makes him happy.

Aibu in thinking that they shouldn't be expecting this of DD? Or am I being very insensitive?

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 14/08/2021 09:16

Having had a fair few comments, are you going to talk to your dd about this for starters?

Pluto46 · 14/08/2021 09:54

@BungleandGeorge

I’d be encouraging my 15 year old to call a friend with cancer, 15 is quite old enough to show some kindness and realise that in times of need you should step up and be a good friend. Treat others how you’d like to be treated yourself. There is a line about what is acceptable but there’s no indication that the mum is asking for more than a few phone calls which isn’t a lot.
This 100%

Some of these other posts show a frankly staggering level of self-absorption. Probably from the same sort of people that post 'be kind' on their FB pages

Loopylobes · 14/08/2021 11:07

It depends how often the messages are received. If it's once every couple of days, that seems reasonable. If it's several times a day, they need to be made aware that this could disrupt their sons relationship, which is exactly what he doesn't need right now.

hahahayoumustbejoking · 14/08/2021 11:18

The difference here is between friend and girlfriend.

The former has much less expectation and pressures than the latter.

DD should be comfortable to not want to be the girlfriend indefinitely and move on at any point. Entangling her deeply in giving support places an extra burden. She will be the baddie if she, as most 15 year olds do, want to break up.

I'd be watching this carefully that my DD was comfortable and not becoming pressured.

Mummyoflittledragon · 14/08/2021 11:19

In response to that Pluto it’s fine for a parent to encourage their child to call a friend. I would be doing the same. And I have been that child, whose parents didn’t bother to get their kids to call me, when I was devastated and something the parents absolutely should have done.

This is completely different as it is the parent of the ill person doing the asking. Fine, a couple of times if it is a firm friend... and you’d hope friends would contact him anyway. But this is the parent of the boyfriend in an on / off relationship contacting the girlfriend. To cheer him up. Ie potentially to be in a supporting role. Op is right to be concerned and should be discussing this with her dd.

PandemicAtTheDisco · 14/08/2021 11:21

Do you not like the boy and his parents?

Dutch1e · 14/08/2021 11:40

I'd definitely be having a quiet but clear word with the parents. They must be going through hell and I'd happily offer whatever support I could. Yet at the same time it's deeply inappropriate for an adult to orchestrate teenagers' interactions no matter the circumstances. There is a power imbalance between an adult and a child and the other parents are using it as leverage (totally understandable but no way I'd let it continue).

ShingleBeach · 14/08/2021 12:03

YANBU.

Your Dd should net be being pressurised to call. She is only 15, it has been an ‘on off’ relationship, she is calling him if her own initiative and speaking with him when he calls her.

But the parents are probably desperate.

Tell her that it is OK for her to do things at her own pace and in her own way. It is a LOT for a 15 year old, and she shouldn’t feel guilt tripped.

Balonzette · 14/08/2021 12:17

Honestly, you're being quite horrible. Really insensitive, and bordering on cruel. She WANTS to call him, he's her boyfriend. Of course his parents will want to encourage something that makes him happy. It could really affect his health and general well-being, feeling positive and optimistic. Put yourself in their shoes! I can't believe what I've just read.

ShingleBeach · 14/08/2021 14:06

@Balonzette

Honestly, you're being quite horrible. Really insensitive, and bordering on cruel. She WANTS to call him, he's her boyfriend. Of course his parents will want to encourage something that makes him happy. It could really affect his health and general well-being, feeling positive and optimistic. Put yourself in their shoes! I can't believe what I've just read.
The Dd DOES call her bf, and answers when he calls her.

Her relationship is with the boy, and how it manifests itself is between her and him.

She has no responsibility for the (understandably anguished) feelings of the adults. Fine, for them to be welcoming of her relationship with their son, not fine for them to pressurise her or ask her to take responsibility for cheering him up, beyond the contact she has because she wants to and in communication with him.

QueenBee52 · 14/08/2021 14:27

@PandemicAtTheDisco

Do you not like the boy and his parents?

I think this is very unfair...

OP is only concerned that the Mother is placing additional emotional pressure on HER daughter to call the boyfriend...

When the Daughter and Boyfriend call each other naturally anyway..

Texting OP's Daughter is not necessary and it's manipulative ..

🌸

QueenBee52 · 14/08/2021 14:30

@Balonzette

Honestly, you're being quite horrible. Really insensitive, and bordering on cruel. She WANTS to call him, he's her boyfriend. Of course his parents will want to encourage something that makes him happy. It could really affect his health and general well-being, feeling positive and optimistic. Put yourself in their shoes! I can't believe what I've just read.

Not sure what you think you've read ... but OP is correct to ensure her Daughter isn't being manipulated or emotionally blackmailed ...

Her Daughter and the boyfriend speak regularly without intervention.. that is a good thing ..

the boys Mother is adding an unnecessary pressure and this is wrong..

Mistyplanet · 14/08/2021 14:55

OP i agree with you and maybe some boundaries need to be drawn up somehow. Im imagining if your dds boyfriend passes away and she becomes heavily involved how upsetting that could all be for her. Yes its so sad for their family and the son but your dd is only 15 and its a bit too much pressure.

MrsTerryPratchett · 14/08/2021 15:50

Some of these other posts show a frankly staggering level of self-absorption. Probably from the same sort of people that post 'be kind' on their FB pages

First, I've never put #bekind on my FB because it's nonsense. Secondly having been in caring roles for 30 years I've seen both the damage that caring roles do to children AND what happens to women who grew up as girls pressured around relationships.

She calls, he calls, they're happy? Great. She calls, his parents call for more calls? Absolutely not great.

QueenBee52 · 14/08/2021 17:14

First, I've never put #bekind on my FB because it's nonsense. Secondly having been in caring roles for 30 years I've seen both the damage that caring roles do to children AND what happens to women who grew up as girls pressured around relationships.

She calls, he calls, they're happy? Great. She calls, his parents call for more calls? Absolutely not great.

exactly 🌸

mord0 · 15/08/2021 00:58

YABU

DancesWithTortoises · 15/08/2021 09:20

I can't believe how many people think the parents' behaviour is ok. It is not ok to pressure a 15 year old child and to nag her by text.

OP is right to want to protect her child from the oppressive parents. She has said she's happy when he DD wants to phone her BF and supports her.

Some either can't read or are deliberately misunderstanding.

chinateapot · 15/08/2021 09:49

I agree that the DD’s welfare is hugely important - though from OP’s posts it isn’t clear whether or not it’s being impacted.

But I’m really uncomfortable that these parents have been referred to as “oppressive” and “manipulative”. They are living an absolute nightmare and are trying to do their best for their very sick child. It may be that they are not thinking as logically or as completely as they would in an ideal world. If DD is feeling distressed by the texts perhaps a parent to parent conversation is needed to check on why texts are being sent when they are (is it just that’s when he’s well enough to speak?) and what would work better for DD if she is becoming distressed by this (eg parents of boy text DDs mum to say when he’s well enough to speak, DD texts on a day when she feels she can speak to him to ask if he’d like to chat). It’s very very likely that it just won’t work for DD to call him when she feels happy to do so - when my daughter had chemo she felt well enough to speak via FaceTime for about 30-60 minutes a day on a good day and it wasn’t predictable when that would be. So if DD is happy to speak to him and wants to support him by doing so it’s likely some coordination will be needed. If she’s not happy to do that - that’s a shame but of course her absolute right that should be protected. But losing friends and social contacts to childhood cancer really, really sucks and makes an already horrific experience worse. These kids already feel different- they look different (and are acutely aware of that), they have a whole range of different experiences and different worries. They do need their friends.

Umbra · 15/08/2021 11:34

Too much pressure from the parents on a 15 year old girl. She should feel absolutely free not to call him if she doesn't feel like it or even to break up with him, as their on-off relationship goes. Too much pressure of the 'be kind' crap.

Where is dd's space to feel a bit down about something, have a headache, period pain etc? Or to be gloriously happy or out with friends? It's unfair to expect her to be a perennial cheerleader.

Plumtree391 · 15/08/2021 23:12

I think it is up to the girl. She doesn't have to answer her 'phone or respond to texts immediately, most people don't.

If she can manage it, that's fine. I doubt the parents are contacting her on the hour every hour.

Rainbowsew · 15/08/2021 23:21

@DancesWithTortoises

Echoing KihoBebiluPute's excellent post.

This happened to a schoolfriend and she found it suffocating and frightening. They were around the same age as OP's DD and a typical teen romance. Nothing heavy or intense.

Her parents had to tell his parents to stop insisting that she supported their son whenever they called. They expected her to drop everything and rush to the hospital or to his home. Her school work suffered and the teachers got involved, telling his parents they were being unfair. This didn't stop them, unfortunately.

The boy did recover but friend felt guilted into staying with him far longer than she wanted to. She finished it when she went to university but her sixth form life was not what she would have wanted.

This is what could happen, you're right to be concerned op. Fifteen year olds fall in and out of relationships a the time. She shouldn't feel guilt tripped to staying with him because he is ill.

If she is happy at the moment fine, however she needs to know you have her back that if she wants out she can. It isn't appropriate for the boys parents to contact her.

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