Page 4 | To think these parents shouldn't expect this of DD (potential tw?)

skri · 2021-08-12T23:24:39+00:00

Hey all, just signed up to this site but I've been lurking for a while and I would like to know if I'm being unreasonable/insensitive about this. My daughter is 15, she's been in a relationship with a boy on/off for 2 years. A few months ago, he was diagnosed with cancer, and he's currently getting treatment. I can't imagine what his parents are going through, but his parents always wants DD to call him, as DD makes him happy. Aibu in thinking that they shouldn't be expecting this of DD? Or am I being very insensitive?

Unsubscribed · 13/08/2021 09:59

his mum messages DD and asks her to call him

The Mum should not be doing this but she will not be thinking straight at this time.
There was a useful post earlier about how DD can withdrawn from these messages.

Beanglasrai · 13/08/2021 10:02

I totally agree about the teen relationships above. Of course it's highly unlikely the person she's with at 15 will a long term partner as an adult - I have a teen myself and I know how their relationships are. But it needs to be let to break up/fizzle out in as normal a way as possible (accepting this is very difficult for all concerned) with support for all, and without pressure from his parents to make their son happy OR pressure from her parents to avoid the DD having to engage with the realities of cancer.

I would just say though, one thing no one has realised here is that young cancer patients going through treatment don't necessarily have much of their time available for phone calls.

You or your daughter might be experiencing texts from his parents as emotional pressure to call and make him happy, but the parents might be experiencing them as "oh great, finally an hour where he's awake, alert, not in theatre, not sedated, not vomiting, not having a consultation with a specialist, not having his counselling, etc etc, maybe one of his friends could call now". It might actually be more of a logistical thing from their point of view.

I second the poster above who asked you to really engage on the question of what the "pressure" looks like, whether your daughter is experiencing anything as "pressure", and whether you possibly want to see "pressure" so you can tell your daughter to disengage and spare all of you from having to acknowledge cancer happens, a lot, to a lot of people.

Is it one or two texts along the lines of the above, or a barrage of constant messages full of emotional requests or accusations etc? There is a very big difference.

None of this is easy for anyone, and there are no templates for negotiating these situations, so sending love and reassurance to you as well as both the teens and the other parents.

Lovemusic33 · 13/08/2021 10:16

Your dd is 15, a child, she shouldn’t be put on like this or made to feel guilty, shes not responsible for this boys emotional health, she shouldn’t have to be on call to “cheer him up”. Of courses it’s terribly sad that he has cancer but it sounds like your dd is a good friend to him and calls him often off her own back.

People saying “she should be supporting him”…….she’s 15….a child? 😡, let her be a child not a support worker or therapist when someone’s feeling low.

OP, I would maybe call the parent, explain that you understand they must be going through hell right now but it’s not appropriate to be texting your dd asking her to call when she has other things going on (being a child/teen). It should be left to them to call each other (dd and her BF).

BungleandGeorge · 13/08/2021 10:41

I’d be encouraging my 15 year old to call a friend with cancer, 15 is quite old enough to show some kindness and realise that in times of need you should step up and be a good friend. Treat others how you’d like to be treated yourself. There is a line about what is acceptable but there’s no indication that the mum is asking for more than a few phone calls which isn’t a lot.

WeRTheOnesWeHaveBeenWaitingFor · 13/08/2021 11:34

His mum shouldn’t be getting involved regularly. It’s a horrible situation but your daughter is a child not a therapist. She’s too young to take on responsibility for his emotions state. She probably need support herself.

IsItWorthTheHassle · 13/08/2021 11:35

@skri

Thanks for the replies everyone.

DD's boyfriend does call her without his parents being involved, and DD calls him. But his mum messages DD and asks her to call him to cheer him up. I'm not sure if DD wants to at those times but she always says yes, even if she is on a call to her friends etc. Although, she tells me she does whenever I ask her.

I'm not sure if DD wants to at those times

That is absolutely crucial.
If your dd has no issue ringing him at those times, you are creating a problem when there isnt any.
You need to talk to your dd. You need to check what impact her bf illness has in her. Is she worried about him? Is she scared/getting some sort of health anxiety herself? Does she want to talk to him at all or does she feel obliged to do so?

Until you have any of those answers, it’s impossible to know if the parents are unreasonnable/thé pressure in your dd is too much or if actually she is quite happy to keep in touch with him when he is available.

It sounds like you are projecting your own feelings into the situation rather than actually looking at it for what it is.

IsItWorthTheHassle · 13/08/2021 11:36

@WeRTheOnesWeHaveBeenWaitingFor

His mum shouldn’t be getting involved regularly. It’s a horrible situation but your daughter is a child not a therapist. She’s too young to take on responsibility for his emotions state. She probably need support herself.

But the OP has never said that the dd is his emotional support etc..

She is his gf. Of course he will he happy to talk to her!

Until the OP is actually clarifying what is said and asked of her dd as well as how the dd feels about it, it’s impossible to say whether it’s an issue or not (let alone say that the dd is used by the parents to help their ds on an emotional basis)

hahahayoumustbejoking · 13/08/2021 11:54

As long as your DD doesn't feel beholden to the situation and pressured to continue the relationship. Bit of a heavy number at such a young age and she isn't responsible for his recovery or good health.

Goldbar · 13/08/2021 14:19

One thing that would worry me is that, in the normal way of things, you wouldn't necessarily expect a relationship between 15 year olds to last that long. It would be harmful for your DD if she was guilted into continuing this relationship beyond its natural lifespan. Hopefully, the parents are encouraging their son to keep in touch with his friends as well as your DD so he has multiple sources of support.

MrsTerryPratchett · 13/08/2021 15:46

Women are not the emotional support humans. And unfortunately any pressure at this age to be one is damaging. It actually doesn't matter if she experiences it as pressure. There are many things we look back on in later life and think, "that was coercive" that we didn't at the time.

The messaging to DD (if she were my DD) would be:

Adults shouldn't be messaging you to do things, I will ask them not to
You can break up with anyone for any reason, you don't need to explain or justify
Make sure you have your own people, your own support and your own needs met

chinateapot · 13/08/2021 15:56

@Beanglasrai this.

Kids with cancer very often are not able to speak for most of the day - either because they are too poorly or there’s just too much other stuff going on. Paediatric cancer treatment is often extremely intense - more so than most adult cancer treatment - with long inpatient stays and kids being extremely unwell.

So it depends what’s happening. Are the parents texting every now and again to say “hey, x is awake now, he’d love to chat if you’re free” or every day saying “x is really distressed, please can you call to cheer him up, he needs you now”. World of difference.

Whichever it is please be kind to this young person and his parents who are living a nightmare. Hard as it is for the friends of the kid who has cancer it’s tougher for the kid.

DOI: my kid had cancer age 6. There were days when I sent the first sort of text to the parents of her best friend who was also 6. Meant the world to her that some of her friends stayed in touch. Hugely upsetting that some people felt the fact that she was so sick was too much for their kids to cope with.

Holly60 · 13/08/2021 16:01

I can understand your concerns. The situation is very scary for a 15 year old to have to deal with. It sounds awful but I can sort of understand why you might actually prefer your 15 year old to be able to pull back a little bit.

TractorAndHeadphones · 13/08/2021 16:01

[quote chinateapot]@Beanglasrai this.

Kids with cancer very often are not able to speak for most of the day - either because they are too poorly or there’s just too much other stuff going on. Paediatric cancer treatment is often extremely intense - more so than most adult cancer treatment - with long inpatient stays and kids being extremely unwell.

So it depends what’s happening. Are the parents texting every now and again to say “hey, x is awake now, he’d love to chat if you’re free” or every day saying “x is really distressed, please can you call to cheer him up, he needs you now”. World of difference.

Whichever it is please be kind to this young person and his parents who are living a nightmare. Hard as it is for the friends of the kid who has cancer it’s tougher for the kid.

DOI: my kid had cancer age 6. There were days when I sent the first sort of text to the parents of her best friend who was also 6. Meant the world to her that some of her friends stayed in touch. Hugely upsetting that some people felt the fact that she was so sick was too much for their kids to cope with.[/quote]
Sorry you had to go through all that
And this exactly.
Thé OP is too vague for anyone to comment on in a useful way …

TractorAndHeadphones · 13/08/2021 16:04

Also to add - agree with point regarding calling sick person - they often have small windows of time in which they’re well enough to talk. Can’t always ‘schedule’ it.

If DD is okay to prioritise him knowing this (e.g if she doesn’t speak to him when he’s well, the next chance could be when she’s at school or whatever) then it’s perfectly fine.

How ok all of this feels depends on how SHE feels and as pp have mentioned a frank chat about it would be best. Impossible to say whether you’re U or not.

IsItWorthTheHassle · 13/08/2021 17:11

@chinateapot YY

Also it depends what is actually happening when she rings.
Is it a nice chat like they normally have, talking about GCSE etc…
Or is it about how hard he is finding things and HE is using her an emotional crutch?

Again vastly different scenarios.

MrsTerryPratchett · 13/08/2021 17:28

How ok all of this feels depends on how SHE feels

And parenting. Because at 15 I wanted to marry an arsehole. 15 yos don't make great choices all the time and she does still need parents to step in sometimes.

Original poster

skri · 14/08/2021 00:34

His mum sends DD a message like ‘can you call x, as he needs cheering up’ or something along those lines.

OP posts:

Willyoujustbequiet · 14/08/2021 01:15

Imagine if the shoe was on the other foot....

I would be encouraging dc to call.

AcrossthePond55 · 14/08/2021 01:16

I think she needs to understand that she doesn't need to jump when his mother texts her. If she's on another call she needs to finish that call in her own time. I understand her desire to support him through this ordeal, but she shouldn't lose her 'sense of self' in doing it.

I don't know his prognosis and am not asking, but the time may come when she may have to continue her life without him. She will need her friends to be there for her then.

I'm supporting my DH through cancer treatment (prognosis is excellent) and one of the things that has been stressed to me is that I also need to take care of myself and that seeing/speaking to friends is a big part of that.

MrsTerryPratchett · 14/08/2021 01:38

@Willyoujustbequiet

Imagine if the shoe was on the other foot....

I would be encouraging dc to call.

I parent my own child. Not someone else's.

And what I want for my child is good boundaries, an understanding of consent, and compassion for herself, and only then others.

I would absolutely not 'encourage' DD to do something for a boyfriend. Anything. That doesn't grow good boundaries.

justfuckoffthelottayer · 14/08/2021 01:49

He is obviously struggling and not very happy and poor mother is doing her best and trying to cheer him up but failing so asks your daughter its a super difficult time and she probably isn't thinking straight. Your daughter is caring and wants to cheer him up whilst he is very ill so she does there is actually no issue at all.

QueenBee52 · 14/08/2021 03:29

@romdowa

I don't think the Boys parents should be contacting your dd to ask her to do anything for their son. Sounds like a lot of pressure for a 15 year old. I'd put a stop to that straight away.

this...

it's too much pressure and it needs to stop..

they converse naturally anyway 🌸

SaltySheepdog · 14/08/2021 03:37

Ask your dd how she feels about it and support her to lower contact if it’s too much.

TractorAndHeadphones · 14/08/2021 09:09

@MrsTerryPratchett

How ok all of this feels depends on how SHE feels

And parenting. Because at 15 I wanted to marry an arsehole. 15 yos don't make great choices all the time and she does still need parents to step in sometimes.

Agreed, but I was talking more in the context of how supportive she wanted to be. If I was in this situation and I liked the person then I wouldn’t mind working around them (e.g I’d explain to my friends that so and so is ill, I might prioritise talking to him as I might not get much chance otherwise etc). That specific decision isn’t a bad one like marrying.

However if she’s being railroaded into it, if her schoolwork suffers, etc etc then yes parents need to step in.

The OP’s update however puts this in the latter category. Daughter is being made an emotional crutch.

OP YANBU to put a stop to this.

TractorAndHeadphones · 14/08/2021 09:10

She can’t just get ‘someone to call’ as a sticking plaster. Friends when sick are there to make you feel better but not every time you need ‘cheering up’.