To think these parents shouldn't expect this of DD (potential tw?)

[skri]

Hey all, just signed up to this site but I've been lurking for a while and I would like to know if I'm being unreasonable/insensitive about this.

My daughter is 15, she's been in a relationship with a boy on/off for 2 years. A few months ago, he was diagnosed with cancer, and he's currently getting treatment. I can't imagine what his parents are going through, but his parents always wants DD to call him, as DD makes him happy.

Aibu in thinking that they shouldn't be expecting this of DD? Or am I being very insensitive?

Thanks for the replies everyone.

DD's boyfriend does call her without his parents being involved, and DD calls him. But his mum messages DD and asks her to call him to cheer him up. I'm not sure if DD wants to at those times but she always says yes, even if she is on a call to her friends etc. Although, she tells me she does whenever I ask her.

YANBU. But why does she text - is her son bored/lonely and she suggests DD call to entertain him?
It’s difficult but it imposes too much on your daughter.

I think the mother needs to stop texting and putting pressure on dd, I would not be comfortable with that at all!

I would encourage dd to stop answering the messages, and slowly draw out the response time by longer and longer and not calling on demand. I know he is ill, and that is sad but it is not on.
What is this teaching your dd about boundaries? Expectations and setting her own limits? And what she is able to give at any one time?

If she wants to speak to him, that’s fine. But make sure she is getting the chance to spend time with her own friends too - cancer is a big thing to support someone through, especially at such a young age, but even without the cancer being a factor it’s not healthy to drop friends for a relationship especially on the parents insistence.
Just make sure there’s a balance. You could step in if you feel it’s too much, and say to the parents “she just needs this evening, it’s been rough for her too”. Good luck

If she doesn't want to be in a relationship with him, she needs to break up with him.

Unfortunately sickness does happen, it is a part of life and you can't shield her from that.

My son was diagnosed with cancer at age 5. Some parents refused to allow their children to contact him, maybe like you, trying to protect their children from the horrors of his little skinny body and his little bald head, of knowing that illness exists and that anyone could get sick. This broke my heart as he was still the same person.

Cancer isn't catching, but it is a part of life for many, many people.

The mam of my son's best friend was amazing, i will never forget that she invited him to his friend's birthday and made a huge effort for it to be safe for him (infection risks etc). This was a lovely, normal experience for him at a terrible time. The kids didn't care, they just accepted he looked different, they had no prejudices. He recovered years ago but still age 10 is best friends with this child.

Most childhood cancers are treatable so the chances are your daughter's boyfriend will recover and lead a long life. How will she feel if she blanked him at the most difficult time of his life? Will the relationship survive that? If she wants the relationship (maybe she doesn't which is fine), she needs to address these questions. If she doesn't want the relationship, she needs to take appropriate steps to end it. Yes these are big questions and hard for a 15 year old (hard for adults too) but they are real and you can't take them away or cope with them by ignoring them.

Remember around half of all people will develop cancer in their lifetime. I guess ask yourself how you would feel if (when?) it is yourself or your daughter getting that diagnosis and suddenly people close to you refuse to contact you, treat you like a leper, are disgusted by your body, don't care how much you are suffering, point out that it must be your fault for eating the wrong food or whatever their instinctive emotional reaction is to your illness.

Personally I came to the conclusion that people do this to spare themselves the pain of knowing this could be them with the serious illness. Unfortunately, it can and statistically WILL be you or someone in your family in that position one day, so do bear this in mind when thinking how to react.

@KihoBebiluPute
What an excellent post, so perceptive.

Teen relationships can be very intense and not at the same as mature, adult relationships. As you say they have been on / off for 2 years and with his parents constantly getting involved, your dd and their ds are not able to make the relationship grow organically. Or end. It all seems far too intense for people of this age.

I don’t agree with some of the posts saying your dd should support him. The pressure on her must be very difficult to cope with and I would be concerned she subconsciously feels forced or manipulated into doing so even if she is unable to verbalise those feelings. Especially for an on / off relationship, which may have naturally ended had he not had cancer.

Even if they were totally smitten with one another, the relationship still would not be a mature one, where one is expected to support the other partner. This really isn’t her role as a minor.

I know at 15 teens aren’t really going to want you to get involved. However, adults are already involved. Therefore it is perfectly legitimate for you to talk to his parents and in your place I would do so. They are using your dd as comfort and support for their son, who possibly is feeling lonely and cut off from other young people because he is so unwell. As parents, they should not be doing this because they feel unable to support him themselves. It is irresponsible both for their ds and your dd.

Much as I feel empathy toward them and their ds, it sounds as though your dd is being expected to fulfil a role far too mature for her years.

When I was at school, at about the same age actually, one of my male friends had cancer, and his girlfriend was also my friend. I know she did find it hard and very pressured to be the “perfect girlfriend” and kind of go along with the things he wanted to do. Thing is, before he got cancer he was a normal 15 year old, trying to get in her knickers, liked a drink and a smoke etc and he didn’t change personality just because he was sick, but she had to be pretty strong not to do things out of pity for him.
I know she found it hard, but they did stay together. His treatment lasted around 18 months, with a relapse in the middle. They did split when he was better, but remained friends.
Your daughter will need your support to keep boundaries and to make sure she keeps her circle of friends as well.

Oh and my friend did get better, he’s 43 now.

bean I am so sorry to read about your son, and angry on your behalf that other parents and children treated him so unkindly. It must have been such a heart wrenching time for you, and I am glad you had a few friends that stepped up. Friends for life for sure.

I don't think anyone is suggesting dd 'blanks him' or that she is treating him like a leper or is disgusted. Simply that she retains the autonomy to contact him when she wants to, and she is not being put under pressure by the parents. It is unfair to her, as she is still so young, and also needs to take care of herself. I hope your son has made a full recovery xx

Omg he has cancer and they are trying to cheer him up. Your daughter is capable of saying no although why she would is beyond me

They are going through a nightmare. I try ink you need to back off. If your DD says she’s finding it tough, you need to support her but she sounds caring and and is being there for him. Poor lad.

Because she is 15 and it is hard to say no to distressed parents maybe? and it is not okay for her to be pressured into giving more support than she is able, and left with the burden of 'cheering him up' every day. It has become an uncomfortable, perhaps unhealthy dynamic for a child of 15.

That's not ok for the mum to be doing that.

How many times was your dd on a phone calls to friends when she got a message from his mum to ask her to call him? Exactly how many times has this happened?

@Beanglasrai

If she doesn't want to be in a relationship with him, she needs to break up with him.

Unfortunately sickness does happen, it is a part of life and you can't shield her from that.

My son was diagnosed with cancer at age 5. Some parents refused to allow their children to contact him, maybe like you, trying to protect their children from the horrors of his little skinny body and his little bald head, of knowing that illness exists and that anyone could get sick. This broke my heart as he was still the same person.

Cancer isn't catching, but it is a part of life for many, many people.

The mam of my son's best friend was amazing, i will never forget that she invited him to his friend's birthday and made a huge effort for it to be safe for him (infection risks etc). This was a lovely, normal experience for him at a terrible time. The kids didn't care, they just accepted he looked different, they had no prejudices. He recovered years ago but still age 10 is best friends with this child.

Most childhood cancers are treatable so the chances are your daughter's boyfriend will recover and lead a long life. How will she feel if she blanked him at the most difficult time of his life? Will the relationship survive that? If she wants the relationship (maybe she doesn't which is fine), she needs to address these questions. If she doesn't want the relationship, she needs to take appropriate steps to end it. Yes these are big questions and hard for a 15 year old (hard for adults too) but they are real and you can't take them away or cope with them by ignoring them.

Remember around half of all people will develop cancer in their lifetime. I guess ask yourself how you would feel if (when?) it is yourself or your daughter getting that diagnosis and suddenly people close to you refuse to contact you, treat you like a leper, are disgusted by your body, don't care how much you are suffering, point out that it must be your fault for eating the wrong food or whatever their instinctive emotional reaction is to your illness.

Personally I came to the conclusion that people do this to spare themselves the pain of knowing this could be them with the serious illness. Unfortunately, it can and statistically WILL be you or someone in your family in that position one day, so do bear this in mind when thinking how to react.

I’m sorry for your experience - it must have been very difficult and this thread seems to have touched a raw nerve. Nobody is suggesting that the daughter blanks him - however random texts asking her to drop everything and call NOW is a bit . We don’t have enough background information as well - e.g how involved the daughter is (does she visit him), how else she is supporting him?

Also to add a Im not sure if it’s an indirect way of the parents hinting that she should be more involved
If it was one of my friends/BF , transport and finances permitting I’d be having a schedule of regular visits and calls….

@ThisIsStartingToBoreMe

How many times was your dd on a phone calls to friends when she got a message from his mum to ask her to call him? Exactly how many times has this happened?

This. ^ Are they trying to call her first, getting an engaged tone then texting to get her attention back on them? She’s allowed a life outside the relationship, it shouldn’t fall squarely on her shoulders to be his sole support outside of his parents. Where are his other friends?

@KihoBebiluPute

I understand your dilemma op and I don't think you are unreasonable to be concerned.

15 year olds don't have the emotional maturity to form healthy deeply committed relationships and they will certainly mature and develop their personalities over the next decade as they become the adults they are going to be, so it's not sensible to expect any serious commitment anyway.

The boyfriend's parents are expecting adult levels of commitment and emotional support from a 15 year old. It isn't healthy and will destroy any chance that there might have been for this to ever be a healthy long term relationship whilst making it more likely that she'll feel permanently guilt-tripped into staying with him. Having pressure put on her to put the emotional needs of her very sick boyfriend first, over and above her own feelings, could set up a very unhealthy dynamic not just for this relationship but for all the future relationships that your DD has.

It has to be ok for your DD to back off if she chooses to. Her emotions are valid and she is not obliged to feel a certain way. If she wants to walk away then the young man's heartbreak is a normal part of life which he can't be shielded from just because he is ill. Or she may not want to walk away but be wanting to just keep things casual, and that is also ok.

If she gets railroaded into a greater level of depth and commitment than she is comfortable with, to protect and support him through this illness, then in the long term when she has gained the maturity and perspective to understand how she is being manipulated, she will deeply resent it and more trauma will ensue.

Repeating this brilliant post about teenagers. It applies to all sorts of situations and not just this very difficult situation.

Have posters missed that the DD is 15?

She's still very young. She shouldn't be hassled to call the BF.

What if she wants to split up with him, as would be completely normal at this age? Should she feel obliged to stay in the relationship because he has cancer?

One text from his parents to your DD is fine, two OK, but his parents need to trust her to contact him as and when she feels comfortable.

Thing is, before he got cancer he was a normal 15 year old, trying to get in her knickers, liked a drink and a smoke etc

Exactly. If everyone expects her to stay in a relationship/not allow the relationship to cool if that is what she wants in order to keep the boy happy, how can she feel comfortable exerting other boundaries? It would make him happy if you went to a drink fuelled party with him? If you sat with him during his treatment instead of going to school or doing homework? If you ignored your friends for him? If you had sex with him? Because he has cancer/depression/is a bit unhappy?

I haven’t missed that she’s 15. It she’s not complaining according to OP. If she starts to find it too much then OP needs to support her.

it is a lot for her to process.
she should of course be encouraged to offer support for him but i agree they should not over burden her.

If it’s happened multiple times I’d be concerned. After all he could phone her if he wanted too couldn’t he? The Mum is morphing their relationship towards DD being “support” rather than a girlfriend.

I'd understand if his parents had a quick chat with your daughter saying how happy she makes their son and asking her to remember to give him a call. But to interrupt her conversations with her own friends?? That's crossing the line for me