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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think these parents shouldn't expect this of DD (potential tw?)

121 replies

skri · 13/08/2021 00:24

Hey all, just signed up to this site but I've been lurking for a while and I would like to know if I'm being unreasonable/insensitive about this.

My daughter is 15, she's been in a relationship with a boy on/off for 2 years. A few months ago, he was diagnosed with cancer, and he's currently getting treatment. I can't imagine what his parents are going through, but his parents always wants DD to call him, as DD makes him happy.

Aibu in thinking that they shouldn't be expecting this of DD? Or am I being very insensitive?

OP posts:

Kiduknot · 13/08/2021 05:44

She needs to know from you, that she isn’t responsible for him and she should only be involved as much as she actually wants to be, but then you need to let her crack on.

KihoBebiluPute · 13/08/2021 05:57

I understand your dilemma op and I don't think you are unreasonable to be concerned.

15 year olds don't have the emotional maturity to form healthy deeply committed relationships and they will certainly mature and develop their personalities over the next decade as they become the adults they are going to be, so it's not sensible to expect any serious commitment anyway.

The boyfriend's parents are expecting adult levels of commitment and emotional support from a 15 year old. It isn't healthy and will destroy any chance that there might have been for this to ever be a healthy long term relationship whilst making it more likely that she'll feel permanently guilt-tripped into staying with him. Having pressure put on her to put the emotional needs of her very sick boyfriend first, over and above her own feelings, could set up a very unhealthy dynamic not just for this relationship but for all the future relationships that your DD has.

It has to be ok for your DD to back off if she chooses to. Her emotions are valid and she is not obliged to feel a certain way. If she wants to walk away then the young man's heartbreak is a normal part of life which he can't be shielded from just because he is ill. Or she may not want to walk away but be wanting to just keep things casual, and that is also ok.

If she gets railroaded into a greater level of depth and commitment than she is comfortable with, to protect and support him through this illness, then in the long term when she has gained the maturity and perspective to understand how she is being manipulated, she will deeply resent it and more trauma will ensue.

IS0D0RA · 13/08/2021 06:20

@romdowa

I don't think the Boys parents should be contacting your dd to ask her to do anything for their son. Sounds like a lot of pressure for a 15 year old. I'd put a stop to that straight away.

This.

We have been in a similar situation as Ds best friend ( same sex, just a mate ) had cancer at 15. The other parents were very grateful for my DS support, phone calls, visits to hospital and help at a school.

But they never ONCE contacted DS directly by phone . Because he was a 15 year old kid and you don't do that.

They never put any pressure on him to do anything. Because he was a 15 yo kid and it was tough for him too.

They never cried in front on DS, only me. They tried to not put pressure on him or guilt grip him. Because he was a kid.

You need to ask them to stop contacting your DD and making demands of her. It’s way out of line.

BTW that was 3 years ago and the friend is now fine. They are still mates and the other lad has been supporting my DS through some family issues. It works both ways.

IS0D0RA · 13/08/2021 06:22

Excellent post from @KihoBebiluPute

Goldbar · 13/08/2021 06:44

His parents should not be contacting your DD directly. They've let your DD know how much her calls are appreciated, now they need to leave it to your DD to decide when to call and to their son to ask her if he wants her to call.

EmoIsntDead · 13/08/2021 06:54

@romdowa

I don't think the Boys parents should be contacting your dd to ask her to do anything for their son. Sounds like a lot of pressure for a 15 year old. I'd put a stop to that straight away.

Absolutely. It’s up to DD when she calls, not his parents. I think OP needs to speak to his parents and tell them to stop contacting DD and pressuring her.

dworky · 13/08/2021 07:17

@user1473878824

You think your daughter shouldn’t call her boyfriend of two years when he has cancer? What are you talking about? Even if he didn’t have cancer I think after two years it’s pretty normal to speak to your boyfriend.

That's not what OP said, is it? I don't think it reasonable that she should be expected to ring, only when & if she wants to.

Bluntness100 · 13/08/2021 07:18

Honestly it’s not about you. She wants to call him he wants her to call him. Let them do this.

DancesWithTortoises · 13/08/2021 07:19

Echoing KihoBebiluPute's excellent post.

This happened to a schoolfriend and she found it suffocating and frightening. They were around the same age as OP's DD and a typical teen romance. Nothing heavy or intense.

Her parents had to tell his parents to stop insisting that she supported their son whenever they called. They expected her to drop everything and rush to the hospital or to his home. Her school work suffered and the teachers got involved, telling his parents they were being unfair. This didn't stop them, unfortunately.

The boy did recover but friend felt guilted into staying with him far longer than she wanted to. She finished it when she went to university but her sixth form life was not what she would have wanted.

Theunamedcat · 13/08/2021 07:25

She is 15 years old, a child, they are expecting way too much of her

phishy · 13/08/2021 07:26

YANBU to be worried OP. Keep an eye on the situation, good advice upthread.

chaosrabbitland · 13/08/2021 07:35

i do think she shouldnt be under pressure to call him , its putting a lot of responsiblity of an adult kind on her when shes only still 15. but however cancer is awful . i imagine his parents are very frightned about it and they want to do everything possible to keep him calm and happy . so they arent really thinking is this fair when they are asking your daughter to call him . i in their shoes would do anything to keep my daughter happy . have a word with her and see how she feels about the calls , if she says its keeping a bit much then you can ease it off

Hekatestorch · 13/08/2021 07:39

@Bluntness100

Honestly it’s not about you. She wants to call him he wants her to call him. Let them do this.

Op isn't bother about her dd calling her boyfriend. That's not the issue.

The issue is them pressuring her to call him when she wasn't going to call him or doing other things, like talking to her friends

Streamingbannersofdawn · 13/08/2021 07:51

What do you mean by "always" OP. Specific times or several times a day.

I dont think its fair for them to be pressurising you DD at all, she should call when she can/want to. I wouldn't expect her to drop him because he is ill though.

IsItWorthTheHassle · 13/08/2021 08:03

A bit of compassion from all sides wouldnt go amiss there.

Personally, if I was in your shoes @skri, i would be more concerned about how my dd is coping to see her bf in a life threatening situation. I’d want to know if she is coping, if she is trying to ignore the issue by avoiding ringing (or ringing less often than she normally would) etc…

Eg if her tactic to deal with the situation is the put her head in the sand and act if nothing was happening, then I can see why the parents asking her to contact her boyfriend would be stressful. The issue though would be her way of dealing with the situation.

IsItWorthTheHassle · 13/08/2021 08:04

I’m also getting a feeling that this relationship between your dd and her bf isn’t that serious/important, but I can’t tell why i feel like this

stepupandbecounted · 13/08/2021 08:07

I understand why the boy's parents are desperate for their child to have as much as support as possible, of course any parent would feel the same.

I think you have to be careful though, and protect your own child to some degree, she can not be expected to take this on in the same way his parents are, and share the responsibility for his well being/happiness. This is a huge burden to place on her, and completely inappropriate given her age. There should be no pressure on her to call him more regularly than she wants to, and some space for her to spend time being a normal teenager. She is not going to be able to wave a wand and make this better, and it is unfair to state expectations.

Personally if it were me, I would show great empathy for the parents, and offer ways to support them/him myself, I would speak to them about the phone calls, and explain that dd will call when she can but it may not be as much as they like because she is busy with school work/friends being a teenager, and that she has been very upset about the cancer diagnosis, and it has really affected her deeply, so she needs some support and space. I would definitely reset their expectations of her op. She is 15.

IS0D0RA · 13/08/2021 08:11

@Streamingbannersofdawn

What do you mean by "always" OP. Specific times or several times a day.

I dont think its fair for them to be pressurising you DD at all, she should call when she can/want to. I wouldn't expect her to drop him because he is ill though.

The Dd is allowed to end the relationship at any time for any reason.

And there is no good number of days or times for adults to contact someone else’s child and pressurise them or tell them what to do.

Even teachers and coaches will NEVER contact your child by private phone / text. Teachers send messages through the school system, like Google classroom or teams. Sports coaches ALWAYS go through the parents.

This is basic safeguarding. I would NEVER contact any of my kids friends directly unless it was an emergency.

Tibtom · 13/08/2021 08:13

I wouldn't expect her to drop him because he is ill though.

But the fact that he is ill shouldn't be reason for her not to drop him if she feels she no longer wants to be in this relationship.

LemonTT · 13/08/2021 08:18

Well if we are talking about boundaries this is an very outing post to make about a minor on a forum that regularly gets picked by tabloids.

I think at 15 I would be more concerned about my mum doing that.

fatboyslimschin · 13/08/2021 08:25

@Ponoka7

This is the problem with adults putting the friendship of young teens, onto the same level as adult relationships. They expect to much commitment and hold them to any promises they make. I know someone whose teen died and she was very hurt by his gf getting with someone else. They shouldn't be put under that pressure. This needs a level of safeguarding from you.

Yes I agree with this.

The phone calls should still be organic and at a pace the DD is happy to be on.

I can imagine why the parents want her to call him but they shouldn't be 'managing' their relationship.

She shouldn't be the main source of his support, that's too much for any normal relationship.

OP ask her how she feels about it then go from there.

TableFlowerss · 13/08/2021 08:26

I can see both point of views to be honest. They shouldn’t be putting pressure on DD however they’re sin could potentially die so they probably aren’t thinking straight.

I would question why a 13 year old was even allowed to be in a ‘relationship’ in the first place. I wouldn’t have ever referred to it in an adult way so that’s quite bizarre IMO.

TableFlowerss · 13/08/2021 08:27

A friendship yes, a relationship, no.

WeRTheOnesWeHaveBeenWaitingFor · 13/08/2021 08:28

How are his parents letting her know they think she should call?

stepupandbecounted · 13/08/2021 08:36

I agree with pp, the parents shouldn't be contacting dd at all unless it was an emergency and in that case they should be calling you.

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