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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to have good sex

107 replies

Myla2 · 12/08/2021 19:55

For once. Just once. I fantasy about it because that's all it will ever be for me, how sad.

My whole life all I've ever had is bad sex. Partners have either been selfish, or useless. I've never finished. I've always been the one to "put on a show" and make sure their needs were met.

My partner never has the initiative to instigate sex, and there is never any romance/build up there. I'm desperate. I've communicated this to him so many times, I've made it clear what I want of him. I'm still waiting for him to take charge .... and we have yet have sex. He will happily try to get a quickie in during the middle of the night but wont bother to put any effort in. It's all so depressing. I'm not even in my mid twenties!

Aibu to just want to have a one night affair (not literally) Surely I deserve better than this awful sex life and negative experiences

OP posts:
WunWun · 12/08/2021 19:58

Your whole life and you're not yet mid twenties 😁

If you aren't happy with how things are you need to speak to him about it more and think about what you want to do if it doesn't improve.

Aquamarine1029 · 12/08/2021 20:01

Why are you staying with a man who doesn't make you happy then? It makes no sense. Get rid and move on.

Original poster
Myla2 · 12/08/2021 20:01

@WunWun yes as in my whole sexual life up until now. I think 5 years of disappointing sex will dishearten anyone. I always hear and read stories about how women lose themselves in it and that it's the strongest form of connection anyone can feel. I would love to experience that.

I'm at a loss at what to do. I keep communicating the same things and now starting to sound like a broken record. There is no point talking if the person isnt going to take it on board

OP posts:
Original poster
Myla2 · 12/08/2021 20:02

@Aquamarine1029 with have children. It seems nonsensical to ruin our ltr over this

OP posts:
Original poster
Myla2 · 12/08/2021 20:03

Also just want to highlight the fact that NO one else I've been with has been great. I havent slept with a great deal of people but they were all so so selfish and I've never finished. So leaving my partner doesnt guarantee I find someone better in that way. I have NEVER orgasmed.

OP posts:
HealthKick2021 · 12/08/2021 20:05

You just haven't found the right partner yet. Perhaps you need someone older with more experience. I wouldn't recommend a one night stand though. I doubt its ever amazing sex! You get that with someone who has a connection with you. Someone whose selfless. You can usually what someone is like in bed when you start dating them.

HealthKick2021 · 12/08/2021 20:06

@HealthKick2021

You just haven't found the right partner yet. Perhaps you need someone older with more experience. I wouldn't recommend a one night stand though. I doubt its ever amazing sex! You get that with someone who has a connection with you. Someone whose selfless. You can usually what someone is like in bed when you start dating them.
*tell
Lockheart · 12/08/2021 20:06

If you settle down with someone who you have shit sex with then shit sex is what you'll have.

Sorry OP but I doubt he's going to change if you've already communicated your needs / wants to him multiple times.

revolving · 12/08/2021 20:06

[quote Myla2]@Aquamarine1029 with have children. It seems nonsensical to ruin our ltr over this[/quote]
My wife, I believe would genuinely leave me if the sex was not adequate.. it's not the everything of a relation but there is a real bond there and good sex created a good connection with one another. I listen to what she wants and vice versa. At your age, kids or not it's clear you're not happy - it's time for him to either start listening and apply or you move on

Thehop · 12/08/2021 20:06

Can you orgasm by yourself?

paintedpanda · 12/08/2021 20:07

It seems nonsensical to ruin our ltr over this

It really really isn't. To some people, sex is important in a relationship. I wouldn't stay with someone I had a bad sex life with.
Plus, he sounds very selfish if he's happy for a quickie but won't put any effort in for you. Is he like that in every aspect of your relationship?

DelphineMarineaux · 12/08/2021 20:10

You have communicated clearly what you want and need from him to be satisfied and happy...and he not only doesn't make any effort with you, he also only cares about getting his own needs met. That's very cruel and unacceptable, honestly. It tells me he doesn't really care about you nor take your concerns seriously when you communicate them to him. In your shoes I would seriously question if he's someone I want to be with. Sex aside, his attitude towards your needs stinks. He doesn't care.

DelphineMarineaux · 12/08/2021 20:13

Also, I would suggest that you raise your standards and expectations in men. Why are you bending over backwards sexually to please these men that offer you nothing but bad and selfish sex? You say you have only ever slept with men like this...that means it's a pattern for you to, somehow, fall for a similar type of self-concerned men. Don't you ever question this? Why not one of them has been different, sexually, than the one before?

Jerseygirl12 · 12/08/2021 20:15

You haven’t found the right partner yet. Ditch this one and start looking for the right one.

Hyggemama · 12/08/2021 20:17

Buy a bullet, show him what it's for. As in the Ann Summer's kind rather than the lethal kind. If you love each other then I'm sure he'll be receptive. A lot of women struggle to orgasm through penetrative sex. If you orgasm with a sex toy regularly you'll be building those neural pathways in the brain to facilitate more Os in future.

LittleRedPill · 12/08/2021 20:20

You’re not with the right person. You’ve communicated what you want but he’s not listening. There’s nothing else you can do. Move on from this man.

If experiencing great sex is something you want, you ain’t going to get it with your current bloke.

Original poster
Myla2 · 12/08/2021 20:23

@Hyggemama already have one. It's the only thing that does it for me. If I didnt have my bullet I'd be a lost cause

@DelphineMarineaux honestly I've been asking myself this. I put it down to bad luck. Then blamed it upon men thinking they are all the same, porn selfish driven guys. I know I've been guilty of being complacent because I usually like these guys so I put up with the crap sex because I'm happy just to be having sex with them. I've convinced myself good sex is a fantasy and the sex I've been having is just the watered down less hyped reality of it

OP posts:
Cuddlemuffin · 12/08/2021 20:24

You want to get yourself a woman Grin

bleachblondemom · 12/08/2021 20:29

If he was genuinely trying his best then it wouldn’t be fair to leave him just over this. But it sounds like he doesn’t give a shit, which makes him an asshole, and why stay with an asshole who ignores your wants and needs?

Hyggemama · 12/08/2021 20:32

Well there was I worried a poor lass was bullet-less! You said you've never orgasmed but presumably, you have orgasmed through that? Can you use it during sex together? You could set him the challenge that you have to finish first. Completely agree that porn doesn't show a helpful representation of women's pleasure! Well, my issues with porn go beyond that but that's a different debate. Anyway you sound like you know what you want to do next.

Mammyloveswine · 12/08/2021 20:41

Gosh I started having sex at 17 and I've rarely had a bad experience!!

But I had two serious long term boyfriends and we had lots of fun experimenting together and discovering what worked for us!

Do you not communicate with your sexual partners?

I always have, even with a one night stand!

Mammyloveswine · 12/08/2021 20:43

Sorry just read further down..

Wow op I'm so sorry you've experienced such a selfish partner!!

I would honestly open up a narrative saying fear if he doesn't listen to what you are suggesting then actually you may well leave..

You are too young to be having shit sex!

karalime · 12/08/2021 20:56

I'm another one saying dump him and find someone that wants to please you BUT if you really don't want to, something that can work is being selfish back.

Don't just tell him what you want, do what you want. Dominate him. Move him where you want. If he is doing something that isn't working for you, go 'NOPE' and move. Use him. Use your hands, vibes, anything you like. This strategy has worked for me to get the job done!

therocinante · 12/08/2021 20:56

@Cuddlemuffin

You want to get yourself a woman Grin
Agreed! Much better... success rate. Grin
DelphineMarineaux · 12/08/2021 20:57

[quote Myla2]@Hyggemama already have one. It's the only thing that does it for me. If I didnt have my bullet I'd be a lost cause

@DelphineMarineaux honestly I've been asking myself this. I put it down to bad luck. Then blamed it upon men thinking they are all the same, porn selfish driven guys. I know I've been guilty of being complacent because I usually like these guys so I put up with the crap sex because I'm happy just to be having sex with them. I've convinced myself good sex is a fantasy and the sex I've been having is just the watered down less hyped reality of it[/quote]
My Love, I can assure you that great sex is not a fantasy - it's out there, believe me. You sound so nice, but also like someone who might not have the highest self-esteem? I felt a bit sad when you wrote this:

I usually like these guys so I put up with the crap sex because I'm happy just to be having sex with them

Who are these men for you to feel grateful for them in any way? They don't please you in bed, and they don't care about your needs when you tell them what they are. Men like these are a dime a dozen...noth worth your time and certainly not worth your gratefulness. My husband would be mortified if I told him he wasn't pleasing me...he would feel a bit like he's failed as a man (his words, not mine). I can't believe this men you've been with have no shame or pride in their masculinity. Most decent men I know take pride in taking care of their woman - and not just in bed.

Please don't settle for these losers. You can do so much better, but it requires that you change your appraoch to men a little bit...