To want to have good sex

[Myla2]

For once. Just once. I fantasy about it because that's all it will ever be for me, how sad.

My whole life all I've ever had is bad sex. Partners have either been selfish, or useless. I've never finished. I've always been the one to "put on a show" and make sure their needs were met.

My partner never has the initiative to instigate sex, and there is never any romance/build up there. I'm desperate. I've communicated this to him so many times, I've made it clear what I want of him. I'm still waiting for him to take charge .... and we have yet have sex. He will happily try to get a quickie in during the middle of the night but wont bother to put any effort in. It's all so depressing. I'm not even in my mid twenties!

Aibu to just want to have a one night affair (not literally) Surely I deserve better than this awful sex life and negative experiences

@bleachblondemom because I used to love it! Its depressing the comparison, I used to be such a sexually free active woman. I used to love pleasuring my partner whether it was head or hand jobs. I really got off on it. Now I begrudge given it and as a consequence I'm losing my sexuality and the interest. It's like I have to refrain from being fully me and it's so unsatisfying. I want to love sex again. Before giving birth my sex drive used to be so high. Now it's barely there and I'm trying but all of this with dp is just crumbling my desire for it

Oh god this is so so sad. You're going to stay with someone who calls you broken because his shit selfish sex doesn't give you an orgasm? And who says you take too long? At best this is hideously disrespectful and stupid, at worst this is abusive. OP you really sound like you have low self esteem and have spent your life with guys that treat you badly. Sex will never get better if this situation continues. Once you know and believe your own worth you will be able to find a partner who also knows it and who actually wants to connect with you and pleasure you in bed. Please please please do not stay with this guy even if you have children. Your children deserve to see their mother respected and have a healthy relationship modelled for them. I can't imagine he is that respectful and caring outside the bedroom if that's what he's like in it. You deserve SO much more. You have your whole life ahead of you!

You need to take it right back to the beginning and almost train him. Start off by one night tickling backs and no sex. Then do massages. Then another night let tickling or massages lead on to "making out" then let it go further another night and progress to foreplay. Him touching you! Tell him what you like, get him to use the bullet and show him how. Do role play if you are embarrassed. Then when you introduce penetration only do it if its been worked up to. Try different positions - love honey emails a different one each week. Get different sex toys to try together. You need to go back and start from the beginning so you can relax and get what you want and he can see sex isn't just wham bam thank you mam but something you both can take time over and enjoy. Maybe if you let go and orgasmed infront of him with your bullet, it would turn him on and make him put alot more effort into achieving it.

It took time for me to start orgasming with my DH (then boyfriend) and I hadnt with anyone before him. He genuinely wanted it to happen though and was very happy to try things to see what works. Now I orgasm every time (the problem is I'm just tired alkthe time and get migraines often so struggle to want sex even if it is good!). Some people can't orgasm from penetration so maybe you are one of them and he needs to put the time in. Personally I need both penetration and clit being touched at same time. I'd definitely stop giving head if he can't be bothered to try and get you an orgasm. Definitely don't fake, he'll never realise the problem if he thinks he's getting you off.

Life is too short to put up with this, OP.

As a side note, though, is this a generational thing? I'm 45 and all my partners (all male) have been considerate in bed, even the ones who turned out not to be very nice people. I'm wondering whether this is a side effect of the Internet porn generation.

Ok you need some new rules for yourself.

First. No more faking it. Ever. If you're not going to get there occasionally this is fine and a nice man will understand and be cool with it. If you fake it, the guy might genuinely think you're turned on and he is doing the right thing.

Second. Sorry but your age screams internet porn generation. Stereotype but there we go. I'd stay away from anything too "porny" with a new partner in the beginning and keep things simple. If you have chemistry that will be enough.

Third. Take control. You're describing things as you have told him what he needs to do. Sex isn't a thing that is done to you OP, it's something that 2 people decide to do together. Use your own voice and agency to get what you want.

Fourth. Seriously ditch this loser. If sex is shit with him at 25, it's going to be way shitter in 20 years!

Good luck!

Please don't stay in a lustless marriage 'for the kids'

The love will turn into resentment and everybody will suffer. Unhappy parents = unhappy kids.

Honest advice, get out now, co parent the kids. Happy parents = happy kids

Optional advice - In your own time get some casual sexual experiences where your focus is about the pleasure you receive rather than about liking the guy and putting on a front according to what you think will make him like you

You have your whole life

Oh wow I could write this word for word 😳
But im 8 years on n still no better .

My exdh was crap. But we were each others first so I didn't know. My now dh is amazing

@Feelingfrustrated990 your name is just the perfect fit for this thread and to describe what I imagine is both if our feelings 😂

8 years is a long time though! Is there really no light at the end of the tunnel. I dont know what I'd do if nearly going on a decade later things were still the same

As I said I already fantasies about being with another guy and having my desires met. Any longer and I may end up doing just that

[quote Myla2]@Feelingfrustrated990 your name is just the perfect fit for this thread and to describe what I imagine is both if our feelings 😂

8 years is a long time though! Is there really no light at the end of the tunnel. I dont know what I'd do if nearly going on a decade later things were still the same

As I said I already fantasies about being with another guy and having my desires met. Any longer and I may end up doing just that[/quote]
I dont know 😔 im still waiting but he is good man in other areas so I think is sex worth it to end it .

Cause There is only so many times I can explain to him that women are not like men cant just give it quick rub and we ready , that it takes longer and more effort . Think he gave me oral sex prop 3x in 8 years, like u I've never had it done right so now I hate it .

With the oral, did you go on top of his face? It's better to move in to position. Or put him on his knees. You tell him you need good sex or you will leave him. Take control, put him in the place.

@Feelingfrustrated990 : A good man cares for a woman's pleasure.

[quote SaharaFlower]@Feelingfrustrated990 : A good man cares for a woman's pleasure.[/quote]
I've just gave up now expecting change .

@Myla2 I was the same with my ex husband. I kept thinking to myself is it because I had a great sex life before him, that I must now atone for my sins and suffer in marriage. Like you I stopped giving oral sex and even making the effort. He kept telling me that it takes me to long to orgasm hence why he didn't bother as much. Fast forward to now, I'm in a relationship with someone who takes the time for me and I am having the best sex I've ever had. I can't even call it sex, as it would be classed as the same level of the trash I was enduring. Honestly if he ain't going to change you'll just be there suffering. Looking back, I can't believe I was suffering for so long, it's not a way to live. We only have one life, so why suffer for someone who doesn't even care to try? You'll never get the time back, so don't put up with s* sex.

@Feelingfrustrated990

We deserve so much better! For me sex is the most intimate vulnerable state I could be in with someone. I dont just sleep with "anyone". So I want it to be done with the more respect, someone that recognises this and cherishes me. Basically makes it as special as it feels for me. Your literally letting someone enter your body. So if the person cant be bothered to put some effort for something that big than I guess it says alot about them, not matter how we want to excuse it with oh but he is great away from the bedroom.

Let's be honest, for alot of people it's a deal breaker and for me, someone who is strongly against cheating, it's making me question my morals and making me want to go against it.

It pisses me off that they dont listen, dont consider. Like you said that they think they can just do minimal effort and go straight down on us like we are guys then get their some.

I've done all I could. I've communicated the same old line and its fallen on deaf ears. Think my dp would be better of with a guy with the mentality he has because he treats me like one in bed. Also how we both dislike head because we havent experienced someone that can be bothered to try or do it right is just sad. I know I am NOT the problem and he is. We are not broken. We are not a lost cause. Honesty there MUST be better out there.

sigh

[quote Myla2]@Feelingfrustrated990

We deserve so much better! For me sex is the most intimate vulnerable state I could be in with someone. I dont just sleep with "anyone". So I want it to be done with the more respect, someone that recognises this and cherishes me. Basically makes it as special as it feels for me. Your literally letting someone enter your body. So if the person cant be bothered to put some effort for something that big than I guess it says alot about them, not matter how we want to excuse it with oh but he is great away from the bedroom.

Let's be honest, for alot of people it's a deal breaker and for me, someone who is strongly against cheating, it's making me question my morals and making me want to go against it.

It pisses me off that they dont listen, dont consider. Like you said that they think they can just do minimal effort and go straight down on us like we are guys then get their some.

I've done all I could. I've communicated the same old line and its fallen on deaf ears. Think my dp would be better of with a guy with the mentality he has because he treats me like one in bed. Also how we both dislike head because we havent experienced someone that can be bothered to try or do it right is just sad. I know I am NOT the problem and he is. We are not broken. We are not a lost cause. Honesty there MUST be better out there.

sigh[/quote]
I would advise you to get out dont waste years like i have cause To be honest we literally have sex like once every couple weeks now cause I just have no edge anymore esp when I'm like get me in mood and he gives me boobs a rub like they magic lamp

If you think his selfishness ends in the bedroom, you are going to be very sorely mistaken OP.
Actions speak louder than words.
We'll see you in 10yrs time telling us how selfish he is with your kids and how you're doing EVERYTHING for him.

Your DP isn’t listening to you and isn’t showing any regard for your feelings. It’s not really just about the sex.

I think there’s a lot going on here, yes your partner doesn’t sound great but it’s a lot deeper than that.

Firstly you don’t seem to feel comfortable actually being sexual in front of him—you say you’re too embarrassed to masturbate in front of him. That needs knocking on the head!!! You can’t let yourself go in front of him, therefore I don’t know how he could please you if he wanted to. Also, he possibly doesn’t really see you in a sexual way—like he sees you as a 5 minute shag rather than someone sensual. You could try masteubating in front of each other, that kind of thing?

It sounds like you’re not sure what gets you going sexually. You need to set up intimate situations to explore—wine bubble bath, massages, a sexy bar date where you make out and takes ages to get home, ice nipples, that kind of thing. Watch sexy movies together (no not hardcore porn! Things like Troy and movies with sexy people you like). Touch yourself and him.

Turn the lights down low for the first while, if you feel self conscious, but are you comfortable being naked in front of him? If not, get started with that, and lots of skinny dipping! Or shooting together. Need to be comfortable in your own skin.

What makes you feel sexy? Any particular clothes, hair or makeup? A date where you go somewhere sleek and dark, where you feel sexy, is a great starter.

When it comes to asking what you want, men are dumb. Sometimes you need to show them. And if you have a pace you prefer, enforce it. Like dry hump on the couch for ages, pants stay on, or at least his do.

If you’re nervous and find it hard to be comfortable in your skin, maybe try a bit of booze? Not saying get plastered but it might take the edges off

I think you could really benefit from looking into blindfolding? To help you get out of your own mind. Sexy music on, he’s not allowed any penetration but he is allowed massage oil.

Not being sympathetic to the guy here, but he may well be equally baffled about how to please you! I doubt he’s ever been great in bed or known how to please others.

I was/am in your position, OP.

DPs idea of foreplay is to grab one of my boobs or grab my V through my jeans or try and stick his hand down my pants. I've tried to instruct him and it lasted all of 5 minutes with a whiny "Can I go inside you now?" then it's endless boring thrusting until he is finished. Delightful. I was also one of those women who "didn't like oral".

DP and I only have sex a couple of times a year now (and usually I need to have a couple of drinks), because I'm just that resentful and can't tolerate being treated like a doll.

Meanwhile, I have had a FWB for 2 years... an older man who knows exactly what I need. He has this ability to just read my body and know what to do next. I love oral sex now. I could have him down there for hours (and he would too if I let him). He's the only man who has ever made me orgasm without toys or me doing a bit extra myself.

I obviously wouldn't recommend this, as it doesn't solve the selfish DP problem, but it has definitely made me realise what I have been missing and done wonders for my self esteem

The more you post, the worse he sounds.

This problem isn't even about sex or orgasms, it's about your partner being a selfish prick.

There are much better men out there.

Maybe it’s because like you’d aid in your own words you are ‘putting on a show’.

I feel like I was like this when I was younger, always kind of putting on a false front over it, all the effort to be the way I thought they wanted me to be. I didn’t orgasm with someone until I stopped caring so much about them as selfish as it sounds and concentrated on me. Never with my Dds dad, the first time ever the last 6 months of a 4 year relationship with my next partner (ultimately this was because I stopped caring so much about the abusive prick enough to start putting my needs first for a change). Always and multiple with my current partner. Lots of lessons to be learned here!