To want to have good sex

[Myla2]

For once. Just once. I fantasy about it because that's all it will ever be for me, how sad.

My whole life all I've ever had is bad sex. Partners have either been selfish, or useless. I've never finished. I've always been the one to "put on a show" and make sure their needs were met.

My partner never has the initiative to instigate sex, and there is never any romance/build up there. I'm desperate. I've communicated this to him so many times, I've made it clear what I want of him. I'm still waiting for him to take charge .... and we have yet have sex. He will happily try to get a quickie in during the middle of the night but wont bother to put any effort in. It's all so depressing. I'm not even in my mid twenties!

Aibu to just want to have a one night affair (not literally) Surely I deserve better than this awful sex life and negative experiences

OP - it's not 'stupid' or selfish or whatever to leave a relationship where your partner does not care that when you do something that's supposed to be enjoyable for you both, it is only enjoyable for one of you.

It almost doesn't matter what it is. Could be where you lived or what TV you watched or what you takeaway you order from or anything - it just happens to be sex.

And you said:
"I am unhappy with X in our relationship, please can we do Y and Z to change it."

A "yes" would have been doing the things to make it better.

A "no" is refusing to do those things, EVEN THOUGH your partner knows you're unhappy with an element of your relationship. They are showing you that they don't care if you are unhappy with it, as long as they get what they want out of it.

No compromise, refusing to listen to your clearly expressed needs, pretending to care about a relationship issue but refusing to meet you halfway to fix it - bad grounds for a relationship.

Imagine these conversations instead:

"I don't like that when you cook, you only cook foods you like, every single night. If you took out the mushrooms, then we'd both like it."
"I don't care. Having the food I like is more important, so I'm going to keep making what I like and I don't care if you go to bed hungry."

"Can we watch something other than wrestling? Every time we put the TV on, it's wrestling, and I'd like to watch something we both enjoy."
"I want to watch what I enjoy and I don't care if you enjoy it. You have to sit and watch it anyway, though."

"Can we talk about where we live? I can't commute to work from here because it's 100 miles, and your work is round the corner."
"No - I don't care if you can't get to work - I can, so it's fine."

Good sex is not a fantasy. And wanting the bare minimum - a partner who at least TRIES to ensure you orgasm - is not a frivolous reason to end a relationship. It's not putting up with selfish and uncaring and frankly exploitative behaviour - sex is supposed to be something you enjoy and do together, and currently he's doing it at you.

A bit off topic but I was recently having a conversation with my Sister about Sex Education at school. We were told how to put a condom on a penis to prevent pregnancy and STI's. We were told about reproduction and pregnancy. We were never told that as females, intercourse should never be uncomfortable. I spent so long having bad sex as my needs to enjoy the experience, were mostly ignored. I didn't know that I needed to be turned on, that the vagina becomes lubricated, that sex can and should be safe and enjoyable for both people. I really hope it's changed these days and teenagers get more information about sex and relationships.

@mrstnov13

A bit off topic but I was recently having a conversation with my Sister about Sex Education at school. We were told how to put a condom on a penis to prevent pregnancy and STI's. We were told about reproduction and pregnancy. We were never told that as females, intercourse should never be uncomfortable. I spent so long having bad sex as my needs to enjoy the experience, were mostly ignored. I didn't know that I needed to be turned on, that the vagina becomes lubricated, that sex can and should be safe and enjoyable for both people. I really hope it's changed these days and teenagers get more information about sex and relationships.

Same here (1970s).

@karalime

I'm another one saying dump him and find someone that wants to please you BUT if you really don't want to, something that can work is being selfish back.

Don't just tell him what you want, do what you want. Dominate him. Move him where you want. If he is doing something that isn't working for you, go 'NOPE' and move. Use him. Use your hands, vibes, anything you like. This strategy has worked for me to get the job done!

Not saying this isn't good advice because it is, but I just think I'd be lying there thinking god he's following the bloody manual isn't he. Whereas a really good shag with a thoughtful lover who already knows what he's doing, takes control but has the right ratio of gentle to firmer touch (thinking like 80/20) is just impossible to beat.

Although if OP doesn't want to split with her partner you're right, showing him what to do is the only choice she has.

@karalime oh I am. Sex usually goes for us, me giving him head then him finishing with penetration. So I've decided to stop giving and force him to put in the effort. And again as a result I've been constantly waiting and we have just not had sex!!! Doesnt stop him from trying to have a half arsed quickie with me. Whenever I questioned what the hell I'm waiting for he said he has plans to romance me but needs to wait for x y and z. It's so pathetic and such a cheap cop out. He just wants his sum. Of course he would gladly be down for a quickie or even better still a bj

@therocinante @Cuddlemuffin haha I may do at this rate. I hear the sex is attentive and mind blowing. One can only imagine

I would tell him you have had enough of your current sex life, you have tried talking to him in the past so now as a last resort, here is the three choices:

Splitting up

No more sex

He puts the effort in and realises your enjoyment is as important as his

Continuing to have crap sex where he doesn’t care if you orgasm is no longer an option. I would be blunt and I would stick to it.

Stop giving BJ’s, introduce a small clit sex toy, show him where it goes, play around with it, when you’re ready go on top, move around how it feels good for you, then if you need to, finish off with the sex toy. Stop the porn style sex.
If this doesn’t work ditch him
And move on.

@mrstnov13 ahh I can relate to that so much. Half the time I want to scream to my partner I AM NOT A GUY!!!! Because he just wants to grab me down there with no foreplay, no build up. I've told him so many times for us woman most time sex is a mental state, and starts in the mind. We need to feel loved, secure, cared for to be in the mood. I dont have a penis. You cant grab me down there and expect a light switch to turn on. It leads to uncomfortable painful sex. Honestly it's so annoying! All my talk is falling on deaf ears because yet again he tried to have a quickie with me by going straight down there.

Get this sorted one way or another, my life’s gone now I’ll never have great sex don’t waste your life taking second best. Hugs

@Hyggemama yes I can orgasm on my own with my bullet in no time. Not a problem. As much as my dp cant believe that because he says I'm broken as I've never orgasmed with a guy before. Every guy I've been with sees me as a challenge to accomplish and every time I've been thoroughly disappointed.

I had tried incorporating the bullet when we are together but I guess I get on edge with it and never feel relaxed enough to finish. Mainly because I know it's just minimum effort from him but also because I've only orgamsed on my own so to me the concept of my dp being there and witnessing it is strange to me. Its become such a personal matter

My Fiance is the only man to have made me orgasm. I had done so by myself but my exes were pretty selfish so it did not happen. Mind you I had to guide my Fiance to what I wanted because at first all he wanted was sex in a certain position so after a while I told him that I didn't want to have sex in that position all the time and we had a good discussion about it and decent sex became amazing sex.

@Myla2 how long have you been together?

Talking hasn't worked. So you're doing the right thing - if he asks why you're not having any sex, tell him "Why would I have sex when I don't get anything out of it?" Every. Single. Time.

Cos... why should you!?

Try 30 years of crap sex. Do something about it before you become…. me.

Dump him and find someone who isn't selfish and shit.

Good, pleasurable sex is not a fantasy. DH can get me off in a wayyyyy more intense way than I can on my own. More importantly, he actually wants to. Every time. First, and often more than once.

@Bluejeanjen oh gosh, did it not get any better for you

Have you ever considered that you might not be straight? Never able to orgasm with men, not just this man but every man you've slept with, but being able to get there alone... either that or you've had awful luck with the men you have been with.

You deserve good sex! Tell him that it needs to improve, or leave and find someone better, tbh.

@thevelvetcurtain unfortunately I just think I've been really unlucky. Every guy I've been with (which is not double digits) just didnt know how to work anything. It was all very repetitive sex. Abit of fingering which lasted 5 minutes if I was lucky, I'd give them head then penetration which was literally them just going in and out until they finished which would be about 10 mins tops.

The "best" sex I've had was with a quite experienced guy but it was borderline non consensual. He never respected when I wanted or didnt want anything. And as well I suspect my standards are very low so maybe me being impressed by him doesnt equate to him being great.

I definitely am not sexually attracted to woman, much to my dismay. When I finish on my own I do fantasies about a certain man....let me not get into that

Does oral work for you? Will your current partner do it?

@Myla2 so none of your sexual partners have gone down on you?! That is horrendous. Don't get me wrong, I've had bad sex, but most men I've encountered have been eager to please, happy to be gently guided and cared about my pleasure. It sounds like you've been unlucky.

unfortunately I think OP's story is common amongst straight women

I dont like head! But to be fair as I said alot of these guys seem to think they know what they are doing and they really dont. It never feels that great so I'm sure it comes down to the inexperience or lack of effort. I've never had anyone do anything to me whole heartedly, it's always just been a quick job to warm me up for sex.

Even my current dp said I take to long to get anywhere. He will try something for maybe ten minutes then give up. It really does make me feel like I'm broken.

He constantly asks me "well you want romance what can I do" and it's so infuriating because I say anything else over than groping me down there! But he just doesnt seem to have that initiative, or maybe it's just too much to ask for him.

I crave to experience what others say, having a partner that is attentive and gentle. Knows what they are doing, can take my breath away, can work my body well and WANT to unravel me like that. I could almost cry at how pathetic it seems. I'm so young to be giving up on sex and I know it seems silly to get emotional over but after giving birth I really struggled with my sexuality. So I really wish I had someone that brought it out of me. I'm trying so hard to like sex for my partner, so we have some form of a sex life, but his lack of effort is just putting me right off. I'm worried I will end up resenting sex.

You seem to be giving a lot of bjs for a woman who never gets oral in return. Knock that off for a start!

I hear you op. I had a few rubbish partners and was beginning to wonder if there was something wrong with me as I didn't orgasm. Then I met a guy who was really genuinely interested in giving me pleasure. Genuinely. So not going through the motions, or doing the bare minimum as a token effort. He was intuitively good at... Touch. Problem solved.
Sadly he was also a jealous person, not abusive with it but it really got in the way, we should have broken up 6 months in, but the sex was so goooood!
Finally we ended, then I met my now DH, he was equally genuinely interested in both of us enjoying it all, hoorayyyyyy. At last, no more being made to feel like I was faulty cos they were lazy and selfish in bed. DH isn't quite as intuitive with his skills, but he was keen to learn... Me. So we both enjoy each other.
The other kind of guy need to get a blow up doll and call it a day, it would be a lot more honest of them, because a real living woman to interact with and use skill and energy.. they haven't got it in them. They think it's too much effort, what they don't realise is the heights of happiness and pleasure you get if you can be arsed. The guys who know this are out there.