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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to have good sex

107 replies

Myla2 · 12/08/2021 19:55

For once. Just once. I fantasy about it because that's all it will ever be for me, how sad.

My whole life all I've ever had is bad sex. Partners have either been selfish, or useless. I've never finished. I've always been the one to "put on a show" and make sure their needs were met.

My partner never has the initiative to instigate sex, and there is never any romance/build up there. I'm desperate. I've communicated this to him so many times, I've made it clear what I want of him. I'm still waiting for him to take charge .... and we have yet have sex. He will happily try to get a quickie in during the middle of the night but wont bother to put any effort in. It's all so depressing. I'm not even in my mid twenties!

Aibu to just want to have a one night affair (not literally) Surely I deserve better than this awful sex life and negative experiences

OP posts:
PieceOfString · 13/08/2021 08:18

I think, managing to come despite your partner's disinterest is basically just wanking while a dissatisfactory sex partner is there. That's not quite what op had in mind I feel. All the suggestions of more toys, more bubble bath as to try to get her to satisfy herself and not mind a disconnected individual being present while she does so in the hope it might inspire him to give a monkeys is a bit barking up the wrong tree to me.

Shoxfordian · 13/08/2021 08:23

There is better out there but not with him, you’ve told him how you feel and it’s made no difference so if you want things to improve then you should start by leaving the selfish man

Original poster
Myla2 · 13/08/2021 10:50

@PieceOfString exactly. I know what I could do to get me in the mood. But this thread isnt about self exploration it's about the fact that my partner is incompetent in the bedroom. And no amount of bubble baths or loosening up infront of him is going to give him this sexual awakening. It shouldnt be my job to get him to put in the effort. Otherwise that would put me off before we even start

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Original poster
Myla2 · 13/08/2021 10:51

@BrendaBulldog so correct me if I wrong, you have your fwb alongside with dp?

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Original poster
Myla2 · 13/08/2021 10:52

Its abit depressing reading other peoples situations and seeing that there are men out there the exact same as mine. Makes me feel like there is no hope Sad

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Original poster
Myla2 · 13/08/2021 10:58

@Flowers500 I have no problem being naked. I used to actually prefer it. My confidence in my own skin was great. But since being pregnant and having little to no sex life I dont think my partner has seen me fully naked in a while. I dont even think he knows/remembers how I look down there Confused

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Original poster
Myla2 · 13/08/2021 11:03

@Flowers500 I do think your onto something about his clueless side towards things, and maybe I dont know what I like anymore as I've had to repress myself for so long. But just because he doesnt know how to do things doesnt mean that I should be given up on or deemed as broken, that's a complete turn off and self esteem destroyer. Now whenever we (rarely) do have sex it just comes across as awkward and clumsy. I'm hyper aware of everything and how I'm not feeling it and it distracts me from ever getting in the mood. We are like two teenagers doing it for the first time. The only time we ever have sex now it consists on my dp putting in minimal work, he will spoon me pull my underwear to one side, does what he needs to do and roll over. How amazing is that!

OP posts:
LastInTheQueue · 13/08/2021 11:05

The thing is that is never just about sex.
It’s the lack of intimacy, the being with someone who isn’t listening or willing to work on making you both happy and satisfied. And, from personal experience, I’ve found that the unhappiness and resentment leaks into other areas of your life.

This is what ultimately end my last relationship, after 18yrs together, 14 married. To anyone looking in we had the ideal relationship- friends, cared for each other, affectionate, but the lack of good sex (and towards the last two years, any sex at all) killed my love for him dead. It just wasn’t important enough for him to realise that it was important for me. I needed to be wanted AND loved, I needed someone who cared for all aspects of my well being as I did theirs.

From what you say, you’ve talked about this already, so I’d advise leaving, focusing on yourself for a bit, work out your expectations and boundaries before getting involved with anyone again.

OrlandointheWilderness · 13/08/2021 11:23

Oh God. Look, I'm joining my voice to all the people who have already posted. LIFE IS TOO SHORT for this. I was in a long term relationship with someone who was appallingly awful in bed, had NO interest in my pleasure, had no experience and was not interested in trying different things and it made me feel incredibly lonely. He liked it a lot but I'm a sexual person - I LOVE sex, I'd had a wide and varied sex life and it was stifling.

I left him for different reasons, but the boyfriend I've just started seeing a couple of months ago is insanely good. We are incredibly connected, he knows how to touch me, loves to please me and is endlessly patient in giving me pleasure. I'd begun to think I'd imagined it could be this good. I hadn't.

Leaving for this reason is not a daft thing to do, I think it is pretty indicative of a basic characteristic of him personally. A selfish, disinterested partner who is not willing to take the time to savour the woman he loves in bed, is generally actually the same outside of it.

Branleuse · 13/08/2021 11:25

lifes too short for crap sex. There are plenty of crap lovers out there, but also many really good ones who are generous, passionate, intuitive and uninhibited. I had a long term relationship with crap intermittent sex and i wish i hadnt put up with it, as its a quality of life thing

EmRata95 · 13/08/2021 11:41

Omg OP I'm in a similar situation. Been with dp 7 years, never had an orgasm. He is not interested. He does not get turned on by my pleasure. Has never gone down on me or ever even touched my clit. Foreplay is him dry humping me for 2 minutes until he is hard and then knickers pulled down, 2 minutes of piv till he is done. And that's it, ever time. Unless he wants a blowjob. I've tried to talk to him but he does not get it. He thinks all other women would have no trouble orgasming from this, he says I am the problem and I am an awkward woman. He says his exes thought he was fantastic in bed, best they had ever been with, lol. I'm starting to consider leaving. The other difference between me and you OP is that I've had great sex in the past which makes me miss it even more. I have no trouble orgasming on my own or with exes, even during PIV. I actually suspect my partner is closet homosexual as he literally has no interest in my vagina, or my pleasure whatsoever. I got pregnant very soon on the relationship so have tried to make it work. But what's the fucking point.

Original poster
Myla2 · 13/08/2021 11:51

@EmRata95 oh my gosh that sounds horrendous! The dry humping part really got me, my dp doesn't the exact same and it makes me feel like he is a dog on heat and I'm a bloody lamp post or something. It's so degrading having someone hump you like a pillow then expecting you to be into it. I'm a human, with feelings like hello! I just cant believe they think we should actually like and get off on this. It's like me just grabbing my dp when he is not in the mood pushing my ass up against him for a solid 2 minutes then having my way with him. It sounds so nasty on paper to write it out like that and there is no way he would come out of that feeling appreciated or happy, using him like a human dildo.

Obviously like you said I've never had good sex to compare it to but I imagine for you its agonising because you know what you are missing out on. I dont know how you have stayed with someone like that for so long I'm already starting to crack.

Maybe he is gay, or maybe he is just a inconsiderate prick that has had his ego boosted by either way too many lying women or women that knew no better. And now as a consequence he sees no problem in his performance, or lack of, and i doubt he will change by the sounds of either since he has been set in his ways for so long. At least you know,as you have a basis for comparison that, that you are not an "awkward person" as he is trying to paint you to be. Your partner is clearly trying to project his short comings and downfalls onto you to keep up his pathetic ego he has going. My heart feels for you truly.

OP posts:
EmRata95 · 13/08/2021 11:57

I'm starting to think about splitting up because I am not living the rest of my life like this. I'm only 26 and feel I have already wasted my early 20s. It is definitely agonising, but he is adamant he is in the right. And he says how would I know what works for other women when I've never slept with one? He also tries to mansplain the vagina to me and tells me the clot is not the most sensitive part, there is a part somewhere ' deep inside ' and you need to hit that to get a woman to cum. He's bloody delusional. I've stopped even bringing it up as I cant be arsed with the lectures and arguments. I hope you find strength to leave too OP. I appreciate its hard when kids are involved though!

EmRata95 · 13/08/2021 11:58

Clit not clot haha

PieceOfString · 13/08/2021 13:02

@EmRata95

Omg OP I'm in a similar situation. Been with dp 7 years, never had an orgasm. He is not interested. He does not get turned on by my pleasure. Has never gone down on me or ever even touched my clit. Foreplay is him dry humping me for 2 minutes until he is hard and then knickers pulled down, 2 minutes of piv till he is done. And that's it, ever time. Unless he wants a blowjob. I've tried to talk to him but he does not get it. He thinks all other women would have no trouble orgasming from this, he says I am the problem and I am an awkward woman. He says his exes thought he was fantastic in bed, best they had ever been with, lol. I'm starting to consider leaving. The other difference between me and you OP is that I've had great sex in the past which makes me miss it even more. I have no trouble orgasming on my own or with exes, even during PIV. I actually suspect my partner is closet homosexual as he literally has no interest in my vagina, or my pleasure whatsoever. I got pregnant very soon on the relationship so have tried to make it work. But what's the fucking point.
You've been living like that for 7 years. 😱 Like op says, you're not a human dildo, what makes you stay when you are used this way!? Cos that's what this is, it isn't having sex (which is mutual) it's being used. 🤢
PieceOfString · 13/08/2021 13:11

Sorry EmRata94
sorry, didn't read your post properly, just seen you have a child together and you've been trying to make things work. Flowers

EmRata95 · 13/08/2021 13:17

We have 2 children now, and apart from the sexual side of it things are good so like the OP it seems a shame to split the whole family up over it. It seems in my experience you can't find a man who is the whole package. If they are good in bed they have major downfalls in other areas, and if they are crap in bed they are generally lovely in every other way! My ex who was great in bed was horrible and abusive, I'd rather have this than go back to a relationship like that. I think the men who are good all round are already taken!

Original poster
Myla2 · 13/08/2021 13:30

@EmRata95 or just dont exist Sad

OP posts:
SaharaFlower · 13/08/2021 13:46

@Myla2 : They do exist and you deserve one of those

Holothane · 13/08/2021 14:03

My god what is with men, either they’ve no idea or want to learn what makes women come, my ex was dreadful but it was my problem, or they’re closeted gay, bi etc.

FrancescaContini · 13/08/2021 14:05

Wow. You’re about half my age. Please don’t settle for this. Amazing sex is out there, honestly!

Original poster
Myla2 · 13/08/2021 17:42

To be honest the only time my dp has sex with me is in our "sleep." When it's out of his control and he conveniently so doesnt have to put any effort in

OP posts:
OrlandointheWilderness · 14/08/2021 00:22

@EmRata95
That is exactly what I had for four years. He NEVER touched me below the waist, never went down on me etc. Foreplay was him humping my for a while and getting excited. He was a crap kisser too. It was beyond awful and by the end it felt like I was just a thing to be used. He assumed I would love the brief thrusting and that would be me done, no matter how much I told him I wanted more or gave clear signs I needed more.

Please don't put up with this. You are not a vessel for a man to empty his balls into - you deserve someone who thinks every breath of desire you exhale is incredible.

Holothane · 14/08/2021 00:39

I’ve never had a good kisser, never will now.

Snugglybuggly · 14/08/2021 00:55

@EmRata95

We have 2 children now, and apart from the sexual side of it things are good so like the OP it seems a shame to split the whole family up over it. It seems in my experience you can't find a man who is the whole package. If they are good in bed they have major downfalls in other areas, and if they are crap in bed they are generally lovely in every other way! My ex who was great in bed was horrible and abusive, I'd rather have this than go back to a relationship like that. I think the men who are good all round are already taken!
Not true!
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