So worried and just want to keep the peace 😥

[Beautifulbutterfly22]

I have name changed for this. I have 3 grown up children (2 boys and 1 girl) , they each have their own children..( My grand children) Grown up child number one has 2 children, number 2 has 3 children and number 3 has 1 child.. I love my grand children very much..,I baby sit regularly for all of them, have sleepovers every weekend and buy clothes & toys etc most weeks for my lovely grand children.I also have bank accounts for each grandchildren which I put money in little and often. I also work full time and have an elderly mother who I look after. My daughter in law and son (number 3..1 child) has asked me to look after their little one for 4 days a week.. They said as I don't need the money from working I can quite easily stop working (which I love). No matter what I say to them they are saying I am selfish.. They have started to pull back on visits etc.. I miss my youngest grandchild. I am such a worrier and hate to be put in this position. My son & wife needs care for grandchild as with mortgage etc they are finding things really hard!.. I am so upset but don't think I can commit to all this childcare arrangements

Your son should be ashamed for putting you in this position and now restricting visits! Shocking behaviour. They’ll just need to find a way to manage like the majority of us do. Do not give up your job for this unless it’s what you want to do.

I assume they were expecting you to do this for free?

I would never dream of asking my parents, in laws, anyone to do this!

Whether you need to work, enjoy working or just want to work for the company is no-one's business but your own.

When your DS and DIL decided to have children they should have factored in childcare. It's what everyone else has to do. Yes it costs, yes it's a pain the backside to organise and stay on top of and yes, sometimes things go wrong. But that's their problem. Not yours.

It's one thing to help in an emergency (like a change of working hours or a childminder falling sick) but you're not their unpaid help. Your a grandmother and should be treated with respect, not some lackey who does their bidding or else.

I've already told DS - who is 14 years old - that he's not to depend on me or his DF for regular babysitting as I plan to be off out and about in my retirement, not chained to a pram! Been there, done that and survived so he and his future DP will too...

Don't give in. You seem to have the support of the rest of the family on this so stand your ground.

Your DIL is shooting herself in the foot if she pulls back on time with your GC. She and your DS will only have to find even more time to spend on their DC - just like the rest of us have to. Harsh lesson but one best learned early on.

You are lovely and they are being awful.

One day a week is VERY generous. It's a commitment and hard work.

So I suggest you say something along the lines of:

I really want to help so I am giving up a day at work. Assuming Granny 2 will commit to a day a week, that's 50% of the time taken care of.

So now you just need two days a week childcare, which considering you are doing 'so well at the bank in your super stressful job' should be manageable'.

Please don’t say yes Op. l can’t believe someone would expect their dp to quit their job. I would never do that to my dm.

Have your little chat.

Say no.

If there is a threat or an implied threat of less contact with the grandchild because you won't do four days of free childcare, tell them that you resent being emotionally blackmailed, and are appalled that they are using your beloved grandchild as a pawn. Tell your son you are heartbroken and disappointed that he would be a part of this.

Tell them that the cost of childcare is something they should have taken into account when deciding to have a mortgage and a baby at the same time.

Then get up and leave.

YANBU, stay strong @Beautifulbutterfly22 . Don't let your husband land you wiith doing 2 days either As you've told him, he can do one of the days if he wants.

Be prepared to possibly have to reassert this when you retire, too. They might say since you're retired, why can't you have them now? If that happens, you could say it's too much for you or something. x

Wow! Your DIL is a special kind of mean.
As someone whose childcare costs were the same as their income and I had no family help- it's what I chose. She needs to sort it out! You are not responsible for their life decisions.

So there are four(?) grandparents, and yet you’re the only one being targeted - asked to give up your job, provide free childcare, lose NI / your pension - and you’re being called selfish for not being willing to do this?

Incredible.

One of your other children needs to take your son aside and have a strong word with him.

They are totally unreasonable. What’s with people? I have a friend that is in her 80’s - yes 80’s - and her son asked her to babysit their infant 5 days a week and it’s an hour and a half commute round trip! She’s doing one day a week and hats off to her but I wouldn’t! Pay for your own damn childcare! She’s been retired 20 years!

I really want to help so I am giving up a day at work. Assuming Granny 2 will commit to a day a week, that's 50% of the time taken care of.
Any reason why Grandpa 1 and 2 can't also give up a day, @SlightlyJaded?! That's the whole week taken care of, easy peasy. Only OP's job appears to be optional.

I have primary aged kids. My parents don’t do any child care beyond the odd Saturday night. Non of my friends get regular child care either. In fact a number of them don’t get an odd Saturday night either. The idea that you are being called selfish when you are offering a day a week plus babysitting for free is unbelievable! They we’re extremely rude to even suggest it never mind getting the hump when you are reluctant.

4 days a week is a ludicrous request.

There's no dilemma here. You have to say no. Your job is important to YOU and that's reason enough to keep working. Also you don't want all your childcare energy going on one grandchild.

Stand your ground. If your DiL is that jealous of your grandchild's love for you, chances are she's going to find other reasons to cut you out of her child's life or reduce your time together when it doesn't suit her purpose anyway. If it's not 'failure to do childcare' it'll be 'wrong type of applesauce', 'deviated from my instructions', or 'undermining my relationship by doing XXX'.

Can't win for losing.

Can you get your other kids to back you up and say you're too old to be minding a small child 4 days a week. You're supped to be enjoying this time in your life not being unpaid childcare!

I've told all mine who are nowhere near having kids that I've brought them up and won't be bringing their children up but relaxing and spending time doing volunteering and hobbies just in case they ever pulled a stunt like this. Babysitting or the odd weekend yes, countless days to cover childcare, no way. I've read too many threads on here over the years where people have kids without factoring in the cost of childcare and bitching about grandparents not wanting to be involved!

Nobody told them to have children. They made the decision and with that comes responsibility..... THEIR responsibility, not anyone else's.

You can't win anyway. If you did four days you would be criticized for the way that you raised him, especially if she gets jealous. You would be criticized for inconveniencing them if you were unwell or went on holiday or had a dentist's/drs appointment. That's great that her mother works high up in banking though. She can help them pay for their childcare. Clearly if she has lots of money, she can afford it more than you can. Also, I would point out that they don't know the state of your finances.

They are being completely unreasonable. Very few people would be so cheeky as to even ask for childcare for 4 days per week!
Especially as you're still working.

My mum did one day a week for my DS and 1 day for my niece. But she's already retired and she offered. I would never have dreamed of asking her to give up her job!

They need to pay for childcare like everyone else!

Alternatively ask them if you should just hand over all your wages to them to pay for childcare, because that is effectively what they are asking you to do. They are assuming that your time is free. Honestly it is so entitled. And I bet that either way they will go on to have more children that they can't afford either.

When I was pregnant with DC1 my mum was asked what she wanted to be called - nanny, grandma, gran etc? She vetoed Nanny because that is, in her opinion, the name for someone who provided childcare, not a grandparent.
YA absolutely NBU. Please stand your ground, keep saying no, and don't give up the job you love.

@Beautifulbutterfly22

OH has just helpfully said 'can we do 2 days a week for them at a push?' So I said that's great.. problem half sorted .. he can do one day to my one day.. which day does he want to do? He has gone ever so quiet!

That’s the exact sort of thing my DH would say.....he’s never looked after a young child in his life! I know just how tiring it is looking after DGCs, definitely don’t commit yourself in any way OP.

Unfortunately, if you do this, you will be teaching your DIL that threatening you with the loss of contact with your grandchild works, and that you will do anything to maintain that relationship.

Some people can't see beyond their own needs and have no scruples about getting what they want. My SIL forced my terminally ill MIL to look after her very active toddler (by just dumping him there no matter what anyone said). She didn't feel a bit of guilt about it.

Your son is probably under a lot of pressure, but this isn't the answer.

@Beautifulbutterfly22

I would gladly do one day a week as I have told them but this is not enough as they can't afford the other 3vdays in full time childcare..

I've read al the posts OP and I have nothing more to add apart from that childcare costs are indeed horrendous. Many parents can't actually afford to go back to work full time due to full time childcare costs and many can't afford to go back to work at all. BUT it is not the grandparents' responsibility to sort it. You are so generous offering to have your DGS once a week. They need to sort out the rest. It's their responsibility and not yours. They are really mean and horribly cheeky. I feel for you, it must be horrible to be put in this situation. She sounds like a nasty, selfish bully.

I think you ought to announce that you're moving several hundred miles away...

Are they going to compensate you for loss of pension, holiday benefit, sick pay? No, thought not. It's not just work - it's a bigger picture. You will also be tied - no spontaneous trips or visits to friends or seizing a holiday opportunity. Just don't do it. If the other granny has such a Busy and Important job then perhaps she can stump up the cost of childcare.

There seems to be some expectation of childminding by parents today. Grandparents are supposed to provide all the childminding needed often doing other household tasks like ironing DIY and gardening. Many grandparents are emotionally blackmailed into this.
The grandparents provide this help all free of charge but at some point in the future they become ill even temporarily the parents get very angry, wont help the grandparent like shopping, picking up medications or even just visit and converse with the grandparent. While the grandparent is childminding several days a week they don't really notice that their adult child is only dropping off the child or picking the child up and not actually seeing the grandparent as a person they should at least hold a conversation with and not just dash in drop off or pick up child with barely a word.
It is not a good plan to childmind for your family.