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AIBU?

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Original poster

So worried and just want to keep the peace 😥

501 replies

Beautifulbutterfly22 · 12/08/2021 16:14

I have name changed for this. I have 3 grown up children (2 boys and 1 girl) , they each have their own children..( My grand children) Grown up child number one has 2 children, number 2 has 3 children and number 3 has 1 child.. I love my grand children very much..,I baby sit regularly for all of them, have sleepovers every weekend and buy clothes & toys etc most weeks for my lovely grand children.I also have bank accounts for each grandchildren which I put money in little and often. I also work full time and have an elderly mother who I look after. My daughter in law and son (number 3..1 child) has asked me to look after their little one for 4 days a week.. They said as I don't need the money from working I can quite easily stop working (which I love). No matter what I say to them they are saying I am selfish.. They have started to pull back on visits etc.. I miss my youngest grandchild. I am such a worrier and hate to be put in this position. My son & wife needs care for grandchild as with mortgage etc they are finding things really hard!.. I am so upset but don't think I can commit to all this childcare arrangements Sad

OP posts:
UmbrellaInAugust · 12/08/2021 19:43

YANBU at all. Stand firm. 💐🌻💐🌻

olidora63 · 12/08/2021 19:45

I look after my 1 grandchild overnight once a week…it’s actually really exhausting…there is a reason why women cannot have a baby after a certain age !! Just stick to your guns and do not be emotionally blackmailed 💐

ThinWomansBrain · 12/08/2021 19:47

I have a neighbour who gave up a job she loved to look after her grandson - long days, five days a week, from whenever the daughter went back to work.
as soon as the grandson reached school age, neighbour was told she wasn't needed anymore, and moreover was slopped from seeing the child. Poor woman used to spend most of the day sitting in the park on the off chance she'd see him in the school playground. He must be about twelve now.
DON'T DO IT

ThinWomansBrain · 12/08/2021 19:48

stopped not sloppedHmm

HappydaysArehere · 12/08/2021 19:48

So they are cutting back on visits. That will soon change when they realise they are missing out on your continued generosity. They are only thinking of themselves. What about their other grandparents? Are they living anywhere close to them? You are obviously a very good gran and instead of appreciating it they are taking advantage. Four days is a lot and if you are having other grandchildren at the weekends you will find you have no independence at all.

Chamonixshoopshoop · 12/08/2021 19:50

4 days, every week?! EVERY WEEK? That’s not on.
Maybe 1 day they could politely ask, as in request. But to demand 4 days a week? Madness.

StepGarlic · 12/08/2021 19:54

@ThinWomansBrain

I have a neighbour who gave up a job she loved to look after her grandson - long days, five days a week, from whenever the daughter went back to work. as soon as the grandson reached school age, neighbour was told she wasn't needed anymore, and moreover was slopped from seeing the child. Poor woman used to spend most of the day sitting in the park on the off chance she'd see him in the school playground. He must be about twelve now. DON'T DO IT
That is horrible!
Disneycharacter · 12/08/2021 19:54

They are blackmailing and trying to manipulate you. You brought up 3 children to adulthood. I'm sure you did this without your mother being forced to childmind for you. Say no and do t feel guilty

DoubleTweenQueen · 12/08/2021 19:58

@Beautifulbutterfly22 That is completely appalling. You can't agree to it - it's a huge commitment.
Sadly, if your access is limited because you're unable to comply, there's not much you can do, but it absolutely stinks.
Just talk to your son - DIL sounds a peach Hmm

JudgeJ · 12/08/2021 19:58

[quote Beautifulbutterfly22]@SofaSpuds... My other grown up children are saying to me don't do it! But I am so worried that they will cut back on the time my grand child spends with me Sad my daughter in law is very vocal in the relationship and my son just follows what she says 😥 She hates it when grandchild has said he has had a good time at my house Sad. I love having him but 4 x per week is too much for me Sad[/quote]
Even before I read your update I knew that the DIL would be pushing for this, if you don't she will bad-mouth you as the MIL from hell and will weaponise your grandchildren. Despite all of this, don't do it, she's being totally ridiculous, let them live according to their means, including childcare.

ThinWomansBrain · 12/08/2021 19:59

One of my colleagues pays £400 a day for an emergency Nanny - maybe use that for starters on negotiating your day rate?

Added bonus for your shit bag of a son - even if you work 52 weeks a year, you'll just be under the VAT thresholdGrin

Shellfishblastard · 12/08/2021 19:59

They are being incredibly selfish and very entitled.

When we had DC we hoped / wanted grandparents to help with childcare - so that they had a close bond with the DC, so that the DC weren’t in childcare every work day, and yes, also as if saved us a bit of money.

However, we approached it with them by asking if they would like to help with childcare, and asked them to decide what they would like to do in terms of days. We were clear that we were happy to find a childminder for the other days, or for all days if they didn’t feel they wanted to commit to the days. All of them were retired with no commitments. They were really keen to help out because they wanted that time with the DC but they could do that because they were retired.

You are not and your shouldn’t feel that you have to take that step until you are ready.

Don’t feel bad and don’t let them talk you round. You will just come to resent them in the end anyway.

Highfivemum · 12/08/2021 20:00

How incredible lucky your three DC and their families are. You are giving up your time when thiabia now your une in life to enjoy having brought up your family. I gather your two other DC appreicate what you do for them as they should. Your third DC and DDIL sound like a bullish entitled pair of users. How dare they undermine you with saying you can give up work. I would be livid. As a lot of people on here we all struggle when we have young DC air is never easy but we do it. One should never expect or demand others to take on their DC. I would be speaking to my DC and saying there is no negotiation I love being part of my grandchild life but I am not prepared to be put on. You need to say you also have a life and you have other grandchildren.
I like others would love to have you as a Granparent in my life you sound amazing and she shouldn’t be took for granted but appreicated

lastcall · 12/08/2021 20:00

I wouldn't even offer them 1 day. You are working and have caring responsibilities. You don't have the time or energy for a small child and that's ok!

Tell you son you're extremely disappointed he hasn't told his wife to back off. They're completely out of line pressuring you in this manner, and he surely knows that. You're entitled to a life of your own, a job of your own ... you've done your time raising children.

Stand up to him like you did your husband, who clearly knew damn well that he was generously offering your time, not his, as suddenly it's not so appealing if you''re not there to do it for him, no?

ThinWomansBrain · 12/08/2021 20:00

@StepGarlic - yes it's awful, the woman is still depressed five/six years later.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 12/08/2021 20:03

She hates it when grandchild has said he has had a good time at my house

But she wants you to have him for free 4 days a week? She sounds like a right charmer.

Keep saying no. Get your other children to give them a bit of a talking too. Totally unreasonable from them. But also hope it works out. You sound like a lovely grandmother.

Wheresmybiscuit3 · 12/08/2021 20:05

This isn’t okay of your son. Why on Earth should you give up work to look after his child?

winterchills · 12/08/2021 20:05

They sound absolutely awful!! Do not give in to them. They need to arrange their own childcare! Sounds like they are trying to guilt trip you. How awful

Booboosweet · 12/08/2021 20:05

They need to pay for childcare like the rest of us have to. Yeah it's expensive. My childcare bill is 800 euro a month. But tough shit. They should have thought about that before they had a baby.

StepGarlic · 12/08/2021 20:06

[quote ThinWomansBrain]@StepGarlic - yes it's awful, the woman is still depressed five/six years later.[/quote]
I don't think I'm going to forget that story for a long time. It's made me quite teary.

Lucycantdance · 12/08/2021 20:12

OP I am absolutely raging for you. They are being selfish, horrible and completely unreasonable. How dare they require you to give up work to look after their child?!

I get really cross with the entitled nature of people that somehow expect free childcare from grandparents as though it’s a human right. To expect you to give up work though is absolutely appalling.

Stand firm. Flowers

tribpot · 12/08/2021 20:15

Please don't offer them one day. It's the thin end of the wedge. You will never hear the end of it with 'emergency' phone calls just before you start work for the day asking to drop the little one off.

WTF is wrong with your DH? It sounds like they've been working on him separately to get him to pressure you into giving in to their demands. How the hell you can do two days 'at a push' if you work?? Your response to him was quite right and his attitude demonstrates a very strong strain of 'childcare is women's work and women's problem' which does him and your DS no credit whatsoever.

KatherineSiena · 12/08/2021 20:18

Notwithstanding the impact on your health and financial situation I really worry about your ongoing relationship with your other children and grandchildren.

If you offer even one more day to your demanding DiL and son you potentially limit your time and energy for the others. They are rightly concerned about your wellbeing but if you are doing more for one family it might in time jeopardise your time and relationships with them. I think you need to tread very carefully.

I think you’ve handled your DH well so far but I think you need to point out to him that treating one of your children so differently to the others has the potential to go horribly wrong. Of course there are times when one’s children need different things or attention but I don’t think this is one of them.

Frazzledmummy123 · 12/08/2021 20:20

I say this more tongue-in-cheek, but maybe there might be worth consideration Wink. You could say "yeah I'll drop everything and do the 4 days for you, but when the time comes when I hit old age and unable to do certain things, I want one of you to give up work and care for me 4 days a week...

Titterofwit · 12/08/2021 20:21

This is awful. No matter how much you love yur grandchildren it is very unreasonable for anyone to expect you to totally change your life to look after them. Dont offer 1 day .As lots of PPs said it is very likely that this would be the foot in the door where you suddenly become the 'owner' of the child as regards childcare. 1Day becomes 2 days becomes 3 days etc.
Going on whatyouve mentioned about DIL it could well be that they separate in a couple of years if shes as discntented as she seems. Then you would be either cut off completely or expected to pull in more childcare if your son works during access days.
Step away from them for now. Say your piece and let them mull it over. You will still be there, ready with open arms any time they want to se you. Dont let the walk all over you. You owe it to your other grandchildren not to be too worn down to attend to their needs too.

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