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AIBU?

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Original poster

So worried and just want to keep the peace 😥

501 replies

Beautifulbutterfly22 · 12/08/2021 16:14

I have name changed for this. I have 3 grown up children (2 boys and 1 girl) , they each have their own children..( My grand children) Grown up child number one has 2 children, number 2 has 3 children and number 3 has 1 child.. I love my grand children very much..,I baby sit regularly for all of them, have sleepovers every weekend and buy clothes & toys etc most weeks for my lovely grand children.I also have bank accounts for each grandchildren which I put money in little and often. I also work full time and have an elderly mother who I look after. My daughter in law and son (number 3..1 child) has asked me to look after their little one for 4 days a week.. They said as I don't need the money from working I can quite easily stop working (which I love). No matter what I say to them they are saying I am selfish.. They have started to pull back on visits etc.. I miss my youngest grandchild. I am such a worrier and hate to be put in this position. My son & wife needs care for grandchild as with mortgage etc they are finding things really hard!.. I am so upset but don't think I can commit to all this childcare arrangements Sad

OP posts:
Hanab · 12/08/2021 21:38

Are they going to pay all your expenses & then some for you to provide childcare? If not then they have no right to even ask you to consider this. You have your obligations, wants a& needs & being at their back & call is not one of them.

CrazyNeighbour · 12/08/2021 21:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Terhou · 12/08/2021 21:43

It's great that your other children are supporting you and I suspect they will make their views clear to no. 3. I also strongly suspect that there is no way that your son and his wife will stop their child seeing you long term, you are still too useful to them in terms of things like babysitting in the evenings and at weekends. Just calmly tell them that you need to continue working and are not available for childminding.

If DIL's mother has such a high-powered job that she can't be expected to help out, how about asking her to pay for a childminder?

Doublestar · 12/08/2021 21:45

Is this real? I've never heard anything so entitled.

Quite frankly I'd be glad to have such selfish people out of my life - they treat you like a piece of shit. Losing visitation of your gc is collateral damage quite frankly. Don't let them use their own child as a pawn to barter with, just tell them your not doing it and that's that.

But I suspect once they realise they have no one to babysit anymore they'll come creeping back...in the meantime you need to get a backbone OP.

cptartapp · 12/08/2021 21:49

You have 'sleepovers every weekend!' Every weekend??!!
Don't you have a life of your own? Friends, hobbies, holidays?
Dear God, what a way to live. Something's gone badly wrong somewhere.
Where are the grandfathers in all this?

TR888 · 12/08/2021 21:51

OP, one way to look at this is to think that if you looked after one child 4 days a week, you'd be favouring your son over your two other children. Helping him so much more wouldn't be fair and could perhaps upset your other two children.

In any case, I actually don't think you should over justify the reasons why you can't look after your grandchild four times a week. Just state calmly that you don't want to give up work and can't commit to it. Try and not sugarcoat the message.

They may well initially cut down on visits to make a point. Hopefully, they will reflect on what they've asked and realise it's outrageous.

RisingSunn · 12/08/2021 21:54

I would/have never put this pressure on my mother or mother in law ever. Their child, their responsibility. How entitled!

bevm72yellow · 12/08/2021 21:58

They are manipulating your feelings. Even though you love your son and his wife they are manipulating your feelings. Smile back and say no you will not be doing it. They may shout abuse, name call you and sulk your reply will be "That is the end of the matter"..full stop. They will throw stuff in your face about what you have done for them in the past or done for other family members compared to them and you will not entertain the argument and you will say "It's not for discussion" . They may say you wont see the grandkids and you will say " I hear what you say and I am listening but childminding is not for discussion/negotiation".

HerMammy · 12/08/2021 22:00

She hates it when grandchild has said he has had a good time at my house
But expects you to give up work to have him 4 days?
Beyond cheeky cunto!!
If she’s so high up in bank she should stretch her salary to nursery fees.

Lonelylooloo · 12/08/2021 22:01

Urgh they’re awful CF’s and emotionally manipulating you. They like you enough to get free childcare from you but if you say no then they’ll cut access to DGC to punish you Angry

I have a toddler and a baby. My DM is very involved by her own choice and offered me one day a week childcare. I was VERY grateful.
My MIL had offered to do the other day (I work 2 days per week) but now she might not be able to.

I looked for a nursery, when DM found out she was hurt and asked why I’d not asked her to do the extra day. It was ofc because I’m not a CF and didn’t want to overload her!

Don’t let them take advantage of you if they have had a child they should have taken into account the cost of childcare. If they can’t afford their lifestyle and their childcare costs then perhaps they need to downsize/sell up or seriously cut back!

GalaxyGirl24 · 12/08/2021 22:04

My parents are doing 2 days childcare but they offered, I'd certainly never ask or presume, or harass!!!! How rude of them!

bevm72yellow · 12/08/2021 22:05

And your husband wants to "keep the peace" by allowing responsibility to fall on you. Again the answer will be "It's not for discussion" (you are not childminding for any days)

Brawsome · 12/08/2021 22:09

Also, consider the expectations should they have more children. Whatever you offer now could be x2 or more.

Hannayeah · 12/08/2021 22:10

If she says you are selfish again just say “then so be it.”

She’s outrageous anyway, not matter what you do she won’t be happy. So don’t try so hard.

Sounds like they spend more than they can afford and expect you to sacrifice for them.

Echobelly · 12/08/2021 22:20

Sounds like you are doing the right thing. You have the right to your own life, you've done the parenting, and even if you weren't working you'd be totally entitled to say 'no' because you have your own life going on. Also it would be unfair on your other kids presumably, as you'd have less time/space for their children.

billy1966 · 12/08/2021 22:21

@Disfordarkchocolate .....is correct, this type are NEVER satisfied.

Getting involved in ANY childcare with them will bring nothing but drama, sadness and regret.

How well she knows better than to go near her own mother but thinks her MIL is some skivvy to be told to give up her job.

You would be far wiser to resign yourself to not seeing them and move on.

Because the very MINUTE you are no longer useful, you won't see either of them for dust.

Your son is an absolute disgrace to stand by such appalling rudeness.

MyrrAgain · 12/08/2021 22:24

Sorry haven’t been able to read all the responses. 1 day a week is very generous given that you would be sacrificing work for it! If they can't afford the other 3 days of childcare then sorry but that's just tough - THEY will have to make sacrifices not you. Reduce their hours or work for pocket money pay until the child qualifies for 30 hours free childcare.

How old is grandchild? When he is 3 he'll get 30 hours free so can they compromise until then?? Some of us just had to suck up the childcare costs and get on with it. Free childcare days will come, but not from your sacrifice! Tell them it's not forever and you'll help 1 day a week until then

Libraryghost · 12/08/2021 22:25

Stand your ground. Seriously if you don’t draw a line in the sand now things will get worse. They are entitled and rude.

Viviennemary · 12/08/2021 22:25

Of course you should say no. I think you should tell your other children about all the pressure this is putting you under and how upset you are about it all. They are being absolutely horrible.

Timeisavirtue · 12/08/2021 22:38

My mum helps with childcare, I would never ever expect her to quit her job to do it. They are being selfish not you. Tell em, you don’t mind helping out but not at the expense of your work.

Pipsquiggle · 12/08/2021 22:46

They are being CFs. I am glad you have asked to speak to them.

Honestly, if you love your job, stay working, you don't have to give them any days childcare - they knew you worked full time before they had their child and there should be no expectation on you to give up the job that you love

CantSayJack · 12/08/2021 22:53

Wow 😮
I would love a Grandma like you for my children, you sound wonderful.
As for your son and DIL, how rude. Asking is one thing, expecting or blackmailing is another.
Do not give in, if you give in and give up your job you will regret it for the rest of your life. Also ask why can’t DIL’s own parents help out?
Unbelievable.

QueenBee52 · 12/08/2021 23:02

Horrid selfish brats 🌸

Mary1Mary · 12/08/2021 23:20

Going against the grain here but I would not engage in a "Little Chat" with them under any circumstances. They're not going to accept it and are going to continue to emotionally abuse you. You are going to get caught in what is known as the explaining trap.

I would text them and firmly state you won't be doing childcare and you won't be discussing it further.

I also think you need to have a discussion with your husband about why he thinks you should provide free labour.

QueenBee52 · 12/08/2021 23:27

@Mary1Mary

Going against the grain here but I would not engage in a "Little Chat" with them under any circumstances. They're not going to accept it and are going to continue to emotionally abuse you. You are going to get caught in what is known as the explaining trap.

I would text them and firmly state you won't be doing childcare and you won't be discussing it further.

I also think you need to have a discussion with your husband about why he thinks you should provide free labour.

Yes ... it is risky and there is two of them...

you are sadly likely to be manipulated into saying Yes

Please take one of your other Sons or your Daughter with you.. Im worried for you 🌸

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