So worried and just want to keep the peace 😥

[Beautifulbutterfly22]

I have name changed for this. I have 3 grown up children (2 boys and 1 girl) , they each have their own children..( My grand children) Grown up child number one has 2 children, number 2 has 3 children and number 3 has 1 child.. I love my grand children very much..,I baby sit regularly for all of them, have sleepovers every weekend and buy clothes & toys etc most weeks for my lovely grand children.I also have bank accounts for each grandchildren which I put money in little and often. I also work full time and have an elderly mother who I look after. My daughter in law and son (number 3..1 child) has asked me to look after their little one for 4 days a week.. They said as I don't need the money from working I can quite easily stop working (which I love). No matter what I say to them they are saying I am selfish.. They have started to pull back on visits etc.. I miss my youngest grandchild. I am such a worrier and hate to be put in this position. My son & wife needs care for grandchild as with mortgage etc they are finding things really hard!.. I am so upset but don't think I can commit to all this childcare arrangements

Do not let them bully you. Stand your ground. They are so rude about your job. Unreal.

Typical, too, that your husband has gone quiet, after you suggested he gave up a day of work to do childcare.

my daughter in law is very vocal in the relationship and my son just follows what she says 😥 She hates it when grandchild has said he has had a good time at my house

And this just makes it worse. You're good enough for childcare but nothing else. What a cow she sounds.

@Beautifulbutterfly22

OH has just helpfully said 'can we do 2 days a week for them at a push?' So I said that's great.. problem half sorted .. he can do one day to my one day.. which day does he want to do? He has gone ever so quiet!

Well done OP. Sounds like that's put an end to his "help" 😂

They clearly could care less about you and both think you are a skivvy to be used.

Your son is a disgrace.

I think you have clearly made very little of yourself over the years for them to have such distain for you, your life, your health.

Your husband is no better.

I had a lovely neighbour whose son and wife were similar.
They had 4 children and she raised them.
After 16 years of free full time care for their 4 children, she had a stroke and ended up in a home at 68.

Her son and his wife were nowhere to be seen.
Her two lovely daughters whose children NEVER got a look it, stepped up until she died.

You are a very silly woman offering up your life to people who clearly could care less about you.

YANBU at all, OP. Your son and DIL are being incredibly cheeky.

I know you are concerned that DIL will withdraw your contact time with your grandson but is that realistically going to happen? She seems happy for you to take him swimming on Saturday, which I bet will continue even when you aren't the unpaid childcare, and I would also be sure you will come in handy for babysitting in the future when they want a night out etc. DIL needs to be very careful that she doesn't cut her nose off to spider her face.

From what you say she doesn't like you even if you did do 4 days it would be fought and never good enough .
Chances are soon as it didn't suit they would drop you and you've given up your job.

You can't be blackmailed into doing this .As for your son chances are if he does take your side she'd turn on him it's not just men in relationships that can be controlling abusive twats .

@Beautifulbutterfly22

Thank you every one of you all I just over worry about things I have tried so hard with my daughter-in-law but if you asked her if she liked me she would say no! I try so hard not to upset her of have an opinion on anything she says just to not rock the boat.. She is such a good mother to my grandson and they do work very hard but 4 days of childcare looking after my lovely (and boisterous ) grandson would be so hard for me to manage.

And probably hard for her to manage too.

Stand strop OP, you sound a lovely person.

@billy1966

They clearly could care less about you and both think you are a skivvy to be used.

Your son is a disgrace.

I think you have clearly made very little of yourself over the years for them to have such distain for you, your life, your health.

Your husband is no better.

I had a lovely neighbour whose son and wife were similar.
They had 4 children and she raised them.
After 16 years of free full time care for their 4 children, she had a stroke and ended up in a home at 68.

Her son and his wife were nowhere to be seen.
Her two lovely daughters whose children NEVER got a look it, stepped up until she died.

You are a very silly woman offering up your life to people who clearly could care less about you.

Agreed re the DH, can see where the son gets his spineless passiveness from.

@Beautifulbutterfly22

OH has just helpfully said 'can we do 2 days a week for them at a push?' So I said that's great.. problem half sorted .. he can do one day to my one day.. which day does he want to do? He has gone ever so quiet!

Brilliant :D Yes, stick to your one day. If Grandad wants a day to himself, he's free to crack on :)

@Beautifulbutterfly22

I have text daughter-in-law and (useless) son to ask if I can meet up with them for a chat when I drop grandson off on Saturday (taking him swimming with other grand kids Saturday morning). I am going to tell them no once and for all for the 4 days.. I can drop 1 work day and watch him for 1 day a week to help them out. Thank you for all your messages and I have realised I am NOT being unreasonable over this!... Its so hard when it's your family

No, please no. You are financially worse off and giving them a foot in the door, say you can’t or won’t do it.

I just can't get over the nastiness and hypocrisy of it.

You don't need the money so look after our child practically full time for nothing & if you don't you're selfish?

I mean who else would they be able to say that to?

@Disfordarkchocolate

I know it sound awful but I think you have accept you aren't going to see this grandchild much.

People like this are never happy no matter how much you give. Do these 4 days and before you know it they'll only want their child with you and no other grandchildren about. Or they will suddenly insist on extra hours so they can go out etc when they know you were planning to see your other grandchildren. Entitled people are never satisfied.

Very good point. As another poster said, grabby people are never satisfied.

A few months in the four days will be the status quo and just how life is.... So then you'll be asked to do more or babysit or another favour that you're too exhausted to do.... And then you'll return to the emotional blackmail because you won't do them a favour. Or you'll have dared "left them in the lurch" because something happened with your mum and she needed you to be there for her/to advocate or care for her and you won't be able to do so... Or you'll be blackmailed into taking him with you and watching both because "it won't be difficult!" (!)set your boundaries and be firm!

Whatever you do won't be enough.

Sorry to say this but, either way they will reduce contact, either now or when the ds starts school, at that point you might only see them in the holidays for childcare.

They aren’t interested in you, but what you can give them, which will never be enough.

If you did 4 days for one of your adult children then you risk a serious fall out with the other adult children. Why should you wear yourself out for one of them. And leave yourself with no energy for the others.
Be careful - personally you are doing much more than I do for my DCs. I do a lot but less than you do.

Your other children will be as upset with you as your daughter-in-law will be happy--you will not win by giving in to the loudest voice. You MUST stick to your guns. Your daughter-in-law is projecting her own selfishness onto you.

Lol god what planet do these people live on? My MIL and FIL are retired and live a few doors up and still don't do childcare for us.

You're a grandma not a childminder. I wouldn't do a single day for them whilst they have this attitude and are trying to blackmail you.

Am glad you have said one day only. I have friends who always did childcare for one day a week and then gradually it crept up to overnight stays (because they were at the pub, not special occasions/ because Grandma wanted them) and then they were basically abused for not doing more.
You already seem like a fab Grandma, carry on doing that. You won’t get thanks for doing more.

YANBU. I am a single working parent with a mortgage and only ask my mum to help with childcare very very occasionally in the school holidays. They need to suck it up, kids are expensive and that's just how it is.

Of course YANBU

if her job is so important surely they can afford paid childcare to enable her to work!

Given their attitude I wouldn’t even do one day a week for them, how awful to call you selfish for not wanting to give up your job to care for their child! The only selfish ones here are your DS and DIL

If you were to do this (please don't), your DIL sounds like the type to come on her bitching that "MY MIL doesn't do everything I tell her to do, the way I tell her to do it with MY son. She only fucking well gave my little angel a freddo and a glass of tap water. AIBU to hate the interfering bitch".

Seen it so many times.

[quote Beautifulbutterfly22]@SofaSpuds... My other grown up children are saying to me don't do it! But I am so worried that they will cut back on the time my grand child spends with me my daughter in law is very vocal in the relationship and my son just follows what she says 😥 She hates it when grandchild has said he has had a good time at my house . I love having him but 4 x per week is too much for me [/quote]
Do not give in to emotional blackmail. It won’t stop there.

We all love our grandchildren but if their parents are vile you sadly have to step away

@Beautifulbutterfly22

I have text daughter-in-law and (useless) son to ask if I can meet up with them for a chat when I drop grandson off on Saturday (taking him swimming with other grand kids Saturday morning). I am going to tell them no once and for all for the 4 days.. I can drop 1 work day and watch him for 1 day a week to help them out. Thank you for all your messages and I have realised I am NOT being unreasonable over this!... Its so hard when it's your family

Do not drop a work day for them!

And stop doing so much for them all. Let them look after their own children

Childcare is their problem, not yours like so many PPs have said.
Seeing grandchildren should be fun, not a sense of duty either. You've done your share with your own DC. I've never asked my parents to do this, we made our own arrangements.

Surely if they are pulling back on visits because you understandably don't want to do this, then they are shooting themselves in the foot because they'll miss out on the sleepovers and the babysitting that you do?

I wouldn't worry about not seeing your grandchild because I'm sure they'll soon realise just how much you already do for them