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AIBU?

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So worried and just want to keep the peace 😥

501 replies

Beautifulbutterfly22 · 12/08/2021 16:14

I have name changed for this. I have 3 grown up children (2 boys and 1 girl) , they each have their own children..( My grand children) Grown up child number one has 2 children, number 2 has 3 children and number 3 has 1 child.. I love my grand children very much..,I baby sit regularly for all of them, have sleepovers every weekend and buy clothes & toys etc most weeks for my lovely grand children.I also have bank accounts for each grandchildren which I put money in little and often. I also work full time and have an elderly mother who I look after. My daughter in law and son (number 3..1 child) has asked me to look after their little one for 4 days a week.. They said as I don't need the money from working I can quite easily stop working (which I love). No matter what I say to them they are saying I am selfish.. They have started to pull back on visits etc.. I miss my youngest grandchild. I am such a worrier and hate to be put in this position. My son & wife needs care for grandchild as with mortgage etc they are finding things really hard!.. I am so upset but don't think I can commit to all this childcare arrangements Sad

OP posts:
username5786 · 15/08/2021 20:28

@pheonixrebirth

Just need a moment to pick my jaw up off the floor..................
This!!!

I can't believe they expect this of you! I have a mortgage and two lots of childcare fees. It's safe to say it's a struggle but I do not think it's my parents/ in law's responsibility. I would go with the suggestion that one of them works evening/weekends. That is precisely what me and my DH have tried to do to save childcare costs.

Window1 · 15/08/2021 20:31

@HerMammy

I’d say you’ve more a son problem than DIL, he should be telling his cheeky wife to rein herself in! They expect you, at 63 to have a baby 5 days per week then work 6-10pm?? They can fuck right off to the nearest nursery!!

This with bells on.

SheldonesqueTheBstard · 15/08/2021 21:12

dontbeme

That broke my heart. Sad

I’d bloody take her to the seaside 🌊

Cerebelle · 15/08/2021 21:35

I hope your DH has grown a spine!

Hercisback · 15/08/2021 21:39

Unless there's a drip feed like you gave your other grandchildren 2-3 days per week childcare, then they are being massively unreasonable.

I'd stay quiet and not contact them at all. Have you asked your other kids what they think?

Dacquoise · 15/08/2021 21:46

It's interesting isn't it that the DH assumes it's the GMs role to provide family childcare and isn't protective of his DWs health and best interests. Is he vicariously benefitting from the goodwill his DWs efforts generate?

Tohaveandtohold · 15/08/2021 21:48

That update broke my heart. You mean nothing to your son and DIL, they don’t care about your welfare at all.
Who on earth suggests that you look after a child all day and then go and work 6-10. Imagine that.
Tell one of them to go and work 6-10, alternating shift and look after the little darling they created.
I think your other children need to step in for you as well and speak sense to that pathetic son of yours.

Dontbeme · 15/08/2021 21:49

@SheldonesqueTheBstard

dontbeme

That broke my heart. Sad

I’d bloody take her to the seaside 🌊

I offered and she refused, the gc are dangled and threats to deny access to her are made.
CommanderBurnham · 15/08/2021 21:52

Well done OP.

they sound batshit.

billy1966 · 15/08/2021 22:05

@Tohaveandtohold

That update broke my heart. You mean nothing to your son and DIL, they don’t care about your welfare at all. Who on earth suggests that you look after a child all day and then go and work 6-10. Imagine that. Tell one of them to go and work 6-10, alternating shift and look after the little darling they created. I think your other children need to step in for you as well and speak sense to that pathetic son of yours.
It is shocking. But her husband is quite happy for the OP to be worked to the bone. His son didn't lick it off a stone!

Very sad but it is actually a lesson to all women.

The less you make of yourself, the more you put yourself out for people, often the less they think of you.

The DIL has been very firmly put in her place by her mother??.....has her mother the measure of her own daughter as an entitled madam, and told her under no circumstances to expect her to be available?

I certainly know of something similar where a woman had tried to impose massively on a neighbour to mind her new baby even though her neighbour, my lovely friend, had zero interest, but was feelibg huge pressure.

By pure good fortune she ran into her neighbours mother, who directly warned her not to be imposed upon as her daughter could be very forward/presumptuous!!

From her own mother.

That gave my ridiculously softhearted friend the mettle she needed to say a firm no.
Neither of her neighbours spoke to her again🙄.
Massive bullet dodged.

Hekatestorch · 15/08/2021 22:26

@Dacquoise

It's interesting isn't it that the DH assumes it's the GMs role to provide family childcare and isn't protective of his DWs health and best interests. Is he vicariously benefitting from the goodwill his DWs efforts generate?
Exactly. He proposed a compromise and they did more days. But actually, it was op doing more days.

Its likely he will try and negotiate op to offer more, then he can be the hero to his son and dil as he is the one that convinced her. As long as he looks good, he doesn't seem fussed about the impact on his wife.

After him telling op they (she) should offer more, I wouldnt trust him to go round and tell them, they are out of order.

These people are like my dbro and dil constantly dangle cutting them off in front of their faces, but never do because they want a baby sitter. They won't ever cut them off. Dad knows this but mum is still scared. My mum is disabled and mid 60s. She could have afforded to retired years ago, but didn't through fear they would push her into doing more childcare.

Hekatestorch · 15/08/2021 22:27

Not dbro and dil. Dbro and sil.

And yes, like this situation sils own mum said absolutely not. She is quite vocal about the fact taht she thinks they are piss takers.

Lou898 · 15/08/2021 22:29

How disgusting to call you selfish. Even if you can afford not to work you clearly want to work as you love what you’re doing. Work is not always about the money it can be a social thing too.
When my children were young my mum had retired and offered to look after my children. I wouldn’t let her other than a day a week. Several reasons, one was that she had a social life which I wanted her to continue with as when my children were grown I wanted her to have people around her. Secondly I didn’t want her to miss out on opportunities because she had my children all the time. Thirdly if she was ill or wanted to go away this would have meant me having issues with childcare or having to take the same holidays as her.
It was easier (although more expensive) to sort my own childcare for the majority of the week. I feel my children got the best of both worlds, socialising with other children at nursery and fun days with grandma.
It’s hard looking after young children when your older and four days a week is a lot. Plus what would happen if your other children wanted/needed you to do the same?
I think you’re right to say no, they are being extremely selfish and entitled.

SheldonesqueTheBstard · 15/08/2021 22:50

dontbeme

Sorry flower, I meant if I was the DIL I’d be honoured to take your sister to the seaside.

How said that she doesn’t even feel able to say no long enough to go away with you.

Threatening to remove access is all too common and I think it is awful to weaponise kids in this way.

💐 for you and for your sister 💐

I’d take you both to the seaside as I bet you could both do with it 🌊

SheldonesqueTheBstard · 15/08/2021 22:51

Sad not said. Sorry.

GreatAuntEmily · 16/08/2021 08:05

If you give in now they will lose respect for you - they don't have much now but will have been forced to realise that you do actually have needs and wants of your own.

scatteredglitter · 16/08/2021 08:24

Please dont give in to the emotional blackmail of your son and DIL.

If your daughter in law chooses to use your time with your grandson to manipulate you into minding him, and it sounds like she will escalate - so it s possible she might not allow him to come to yours for a time for play dates or activities as a way of punishing you.
Please don t bend. If you do she will forever be able to use this and never respect you.
I guarantee that she will need him minded in the future and will come crawling back so they can have Saturday afternoons free.

It is absolutely unbelievable how entitled and callous and their disregard for your situation and your life and complete devaluing of your time energy and effort is just astounding and cruel.

Angryfrommanchester1 · 16/08/2021 08:29

What a hard faced couple they are. I hope you laughed in her face when she suggested nights, If it’s that important to then she should switch jobs to one that offers night shifts.

Member984815 · 16/08/2021 08:31

Nobody is entitled to free childcare , when you have children you have to factor in childcare before you even have them not just rely on the fact that family will pick up the slack . I got dragged into helping a family member in this way but gave up after a few months because of the negative impact it had on my own family.

Saz12 · 16/08/2021 08:55

So... what now? They want you to do WHAT????!!!!

malificent7 · 16/08/2021 09:04

They sound awful...don't keep the peace...tell then to f off!

Ihatesw · 16/08/2021 09:09

OP if maternal grandmas job is so “high up” perhaps she has the salary snd wealth to pay for the other 3 days. Suggest that to the CF!! See how they like that suggestion. Okay for you to lose money but no one else Hmm

Terhou · 16/08/2021 09:39

Surely if they think you can work in the evenings after looking after your grandchild all day, the same applies to DIL's mother? There's a lot of flexibility in high-powered jobs these days, after all.

DomPom47 · 16/08/2021 09:54

Proud of you for holding your ground and I hope your husband doesn’t go and change what you have said when he spoke to them to try to win them over etc. It is hard work looking after kids full time and you have already done your bit with your kids. You are doing lots of lovely things with toys and time and saving lowboy that any decent person would already be so very grateful for OP. You need to make sure you are taking care of yourself and your health so that you are in a position to enjoy your grandkids as long as possible. Well done 💐

lastcall · 16/08/2021 10:04

@Ihatesw

OP if maternal grandmas job is so “high up” perhaps she has the salary snd wealth to pay for the other 3 days. Suggest that to the CF!! See how they like that suggestion. Okay for you to lose money but no one else Hmm
Exactly.

Or DIL herself can work nights and weekends so she can watch child during the day. Or OP's Son can do it himself if he thinks it's so important not to pay for childcare ... note they wanted you to give up your paying job to watch their child for free as well!

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