So worried and just want to keep the peace 😥

[Beautifulbutterfly22]

I have name changed for this. I have 3 grown up children (2 boys and 1 girl) , they each have their own children..( My grand children) Grown up child number one has 2 children, number 2 has 3 children and number 3 has 1 child.. I love my grand children very much..,I baby sit regularly for all of them, have sleepovers every weekend and buy clothes & toys etc most weeks for my lovely grand children.I also have bank accounts for each grandchildren which I put money in little and often. I also work full time and have an elderly mother who I look after. My daughter in law and son (number 3..1 child) has asked me to look after their little one for 4 days a week.. They said as I don't need the money from working I can quite easily stop working (which I love). No matter what I say to them they are saying I am selfish.. They have started to pull back on visits etc.. I miss my youngest grandchild. I am such a worrier and hate to be put in this position. My son & wife needs care for grandchild as with mortgage etc they are finding things really hard!.. I am so upset but don't think I can commit to all this childcare arrangements

I would never expect someone to take my kids 4 days a week even if they weren't employed. My DM has never needed to work but I was shocked when she said she was going to drop a day and do 1 day childcare for me...never in a million years expected that of her, I had the kids, I have to pay for them.

I doubt your DS and DIL can't afford childcare. They maybe can't afford the lifestyle they have become accustomed to or 2 cars and childcare but its something that you just have to budget for that period of your life. They are guilt tripping you by mentioning the mortgage. If they really were on such a low income that it was entirely unaffordable then surely they would receive some support?

Really hope the DIL is on mumsnet so she can see the opinions of others of her complete cheeky fuckery.

Why is your husband so nonchalant about you dropping hours? Are all your finances shared?

Oh I had a gin and this has hit a nerve. They are being so, so ungrateful. My mum would have been about your age if cancer hadn’t taken her 5 years ago. How I wish she was here and could take her grandchildren swimming, have them for sleepovers. She was beyond gutted to know she would miss all that too. Your son and daughter in law are so lucky.

(PS I know it is a bit silly when people come on and say ‘you might not be getting on with your mum but mine is DEAD’ but you sound really lovely and I genuinely think they are being ungrateful. Hope your DH can help to resolve things)

Good afternoon..I had a talk with my son and daughter-in-law about the childcare situation and it went down like a lead balloon!! Apparently 1 day a week looking after grandson isn't good enough

Well they are going to have to find someone else who is good enough to provide 4 full days, FREE, child care then.

I’m in a similar position. 3 adult DC with DC of their own. Once I agreed to look after one of the GC for one day a week (his other GP also have him one day) until they were in a position to afford full time child care, I immediately had the other DC asking me to have their children, periodically. Then the requests went from one day to two days, then three…. Combined with older GC wanting to sleepover on weekends (for parents to have Saturday night out and Sunday to recover 😏)

One week we spent the entire week providing constant childcare, between them all. It is extremely mentally and physically exhausting! So I spoke to them all and told them this cannot continue. DP (who is not a well man so is no help) and I offered to have the children from each family for one day a week with no overnight stays. That takes up 3 full days. We need the other 4 days to get on with our everyday lives and relax a bit. Our DC were not happy but guess what - “Tough”!

When did “calling to see grandma and grandad for a few hours every now and then” turn into constant demands for free childcare?

I love the bones of my GC. But there is only so much GP’s can do to “help out”.

@Beautifulbutterfly22

Good afternoon..I had a talk with my son and daughter-in-law about the childcare situation and it went down like a lead balloon!! Apparently 1 day a week looking after grandson isn't good enough! Daughter-in-law suggested I could start working nights (6-10) and maybe a weekend day at the store I work in instead of my normal 9-5 hours yes she really said that! I laughed as I thought it was a joke and they were pulling my leg..but no! she was very serious! She then took grandson to her mothers. Son said nothing much but looked very embarrassed! I told him they were taking the pi$$! Then left. Her mother can't watch grandson at all as she has an important job!...I am speechless! No texts/phone calls from the pair of them since! Husband is going round later to see son as he was also upset at the cheek of it all. I feel so used by the pair if them!

They really are a pair of entitled cheeky fuckers !

Maybe your DIL (or son) could change their hours to 6-10. Any reason why they won't do that is also why you won't either, of course . Or oh-so-important-job DIL's mother can be tapped up for childcare costs, I'm sure she'll be sooo flattered.

Really, I don't think I'd be able to bear so much as looking at the pair of them.

@Lanique

Op really I would withdraw the one day a week offer. What an utter cheek. I would have been beyond grateful if my parents or ILs could have even done that.

And yes, I think I'd be doing this too. You might think it is cutting off your nose to spite your face, but this pair need to be brought down to earth.

Full time childcare is a huge undertaking. You’re within your rights to say no.

Why is your Dh suddenly getting involved? He was happy to sit back initially and leave you to fret over it. You've said no. Let that be the end of it. And I'd be calling your son and telling him that the offer of one day a week is off the table. Let the pair of them figure out childcare like the rest of us had to, without family freebies.

Wtf?! What a pair of self righteous twats they sound like!

All bets would be off for me now and there would no longer be an offer on the table.

YOUR life is important too.

I'm shocked at the outrageous sense of entitlement from your DIL, that your job isn't important or you should kill yourself working nights, while her own mother's job is too important to mess with. And no mention of fathers' jobs at all, eh?

What a bitch, frankly. And your son is coward for sitting there while she makes these outrageous demands. I hope your husband lets him have it, OP, and he grows a backbone with his wife.

And going forward, withdraw the 1 day offer. Point out they've had a child, not you. Surely they thought through and priced out the childcare realities before they did so without assuming other people would just magically step in for free and do it for them. And wait for a response.

Good afternoon..I had a talk with my son and daughter-in-law about the childcare situation and it went down like a lead balloon!! Apparently 1 day a week looking after grandson isn't good enough! Daughter-in-law suggested I could start working nights (6-10) and maybe a weekend day at the store I work in instead of my normal 9-5 hours hmm yes she really said that! I laughed as I thought it was a joke and they were pulling my leg..but no! she was very serious! She then took grandson to her mothers. Son said nothing much but looked very embarrassed! I told him they were taking the pi$$! Then left. Her mother can't watch grandson at all as she has an important job!...I am speechless! No texts/phone calls from the pair of them since! Husband is going round later to see son as he was also upset at the cheek of it all. I feel so used by the pair if them!

OP's Update... for anyone who missed it..

Thanks for the update OP and for Queen for bumping it. I'm glad you haven't given in, OP, it sounds as if you are totally being taken for granted. Stick to your guns!

I'd withdraw the one day offer.

Is your DIL in the habit of getting what she wants by demanding and controlling? I wonder what would happen if you could do 4 days? I think you might find yourself micro-managed and told how to do things and if you don't comply, threats of withdrawal and no increase in appreciation. Its a shame but your son also has a role to play - I would set your boundaries and hold them firm as you have done.

@Tistheseason17

I'd withdraw the one day offer.

Yeah me too

Well 4 days babysitting plus evenings and weekends working in retail, means you’ll get Sunday off. Any chance you can clean my house that day as you aren’t doing anything?

These people are clearly entitled. Your son should be shamed.

Not sure your DH now getting involved will help the situation, they’ve clearly made up their minds to be unreasonable.

@Tistheseason17

I'd withdraw the one day offer.

Absolutely.

It won't be appreciated anyway, just expected, and then OP will end up the go to for sick days etc and basically the dumping ground.

And will be expected to work around THEIR holidays, and god forbid she might want to go on holiday during term time.

And all this for no money nor gratitude.

No no no.

I am so sad to hear how they are treating you.

When I returned to work, my mum had my child two days and she quickly found it too hard so went down to 1. I paid her as well!

If you can’t afford childcare you either give up your job or change jobs… it is so unreasonable to expect you to bend to their will because suddenly they have realised how expensive childcare is and think that after raising 3 of your own children that you now want to raise theirs because of their opinions on your life.

Please continue to stand firm

Just need a moment to pick my jaw up off the floor..................

Your update!! - no words are enough.

Very very pleased you stood your ground.

They are so lucky to have you - my babies lost all grandparents by the time dd1 was 3, and dd2 just a couple of months old. We would cherish a grandparent like you

Sorry, read most but not all of the thread. I'm relieved that you haven't said yes.

It wouldn't be fair to your other DC and DGC to commit 4 days a week.

My DStepM had 4 DC. One married and had DC a few years before the the others but DStepM wouldn't commit to regular childcare incase any of her other DC needed her later.

@Beautifulbutterfly22 do no days, withdraw the offer of even one day.
My sister is just a few years older than you and does childcare all weekdays for one grandchild. Her other GC from her two sons also regularly have sleepovers and time with her too and she is taken advantage of.
So far she has had to refuse surgery on a badly fractured arm as there was "nobody to mind the kids", now she has a bulging disc in her back, us in daily pain and can't sleep with the pain but can't have surgery as "nobody to mind the kids".
One son dropped his dd over to be cared for on one afternoon and collected her three days later! As he and wife went to visit friends when they had "free time".
The thing that broke my heart for her was that the GC she cares for five days a week was going on a week's break by the seaside at a family home owned by the other GP's and she asked if Nana could come too, my lovely caring sister was told she come not come as it was family only?
She is good enough to care for this child, her GC every weekday but is not close enough family to join them for a weekend by the sea. As my DS is not working due to doing childcare, she cannot afford her own break.
I offer to take her away but her DC insist the GC are included as they have no other childcare.
The more she does, the more they use her and disrespect her. She is old before her time, beaten down and her DH like yours stands by or negotiates more work for her.
Put your own health first, say no and feel no guilt protecting yourself, as your son and Dil will have no guilt about running you into the ground.

I’d say you’ve more a son problem than DIL, he should be telling his cheeky wife to rein herself in!
They expect you, at 63 to have a baby 5 days per week then work 6-10pm??
They can fuck right off to the nearest nursery!!